Celebrity 2009 Year in Review

2009 was a year of many first - too many events to count, celebrity news, and untimely deaths. As my blog has unfolded I've done less celebrity news and more writing about me. I decided to take a quick year in review on just a few of this years celebrity happenings.

Lets take a look back

Falls from grace:

Chris Brown - beating up Rihanna and then complaining on Twitter that his album wouldn't sell.

Tiger Woods - cheating with high priced prostitutes and tacky blonde barmaids

Joe Wilson - who became instant idiot overnight shouting "You Lie" in a public forum at President Obama

Plaxico Burress - receiving prison time for shooting yourself in a public nightclub. Plaxico Burress translates to "idiot" in swahili you know.

Kanye West - who stole Taylor's Swift's moment of glory then promptly went AWOL. At least for a moment.


Come Ups:

Barack Obama - Need I say More?

Mo' Nique - Not only her own hit talk show on BET but her performance in Precious was simply amazing "Precious, take your a** to da welfare" - CLASSIC!

Twitter - A social watering hole that allows "celebs" to amass a following and believe they are much more important than they really are while giving us "I'm drinking the coldest water ever" and "Jesus is my homeboy" updates 24/7. Twitter creator is the definition of come UP!!!

Susan Boyle - 48 year old Scottish chick who has never been kissed. She stuck to the "young newbie idols" to the tune of 3 million units (and counting)
Sonia Sotomayor - First Latina Supreme Court Justice who makes more waves in 4 months than Clarence Thomas has done in 18 years.

The Kardashians - I have a blog ban on these no talent chickenheads but you can't deny they were EVERYWHERE in 2009

Whitney Houston - the voice is still a bit raggedy but at least she is trying and produced a sellable album and at least she doesn't look like this - anymore.

Tiger Woods "Jump offs" - They are already counting the loot they will be making in expose interviews, playboy photo shoots, and reality shows to come.

Just Go Away Already:


The Gosselins

Sarah Palin

Balloon Boy

Frankie and

Rappers that add nothing to a social discussion (looking at you Gucci Mane and Souljah Boy)

Happy New Year!


End of Year Horoscope

I enjoyed reading this about myself so I thought I would share.

"You are conscientious, oberservant and always immaculately dressed. You quickly determine who can help you climb to the top. A loyal friend, you dislike showing vulnerability, which can make you seem cooly detached. You're compatible with Taurus, Virgo, Pisces and Scorpio. Cancer, your opposite feels like THE One, but the crabs mood swings wreak havoc on your controlled existence.

The Year Ahead: Your transformation is long overdue. Its time to complete projects, including taking college courses, writing that great American novel.

Love: You are superorganized but stop scheduling romance down to the minute. Work: Honing your skills will give you staying power. Money: Start a savings plan. Inspiration: Don't second guess your role in someone else's journey.

Hhhhmmmm, interesting if I do say so myself.


One Minute Writing Prompt

Found a great new site called The One Minute Writing Prompt . I love it. It gives you a chance to set your timer and write on the topic of the day for one minute. I love the fact that the topic is provided. Makes my brainwork just a little bit.

figured I would try it today. Today's topic "Carpe Diem" (Seize the day)

One minute - here we go -

Wake up at 6am and thank my Lord for another beautiful day

Hope up and eat my yogurt, hit the gym and crank it out for a few hours

long hot bubble bath, favorite jeans, track jacket and my pumas

Long drive to my favorite tunes to the movie theatre to enjoy a

large tub of popcorn, nachos with jalapenos and drink

great dinner for the fam, wrap up in a blanket with my feet in front

of the fire and the little ones head on my lap

put em all to bed, blog about my perfect day and do it again tomorrow.

Carpe Dieam!


Reflection for the Occasion

So yeah, uummm 36. Not feeling it!

I feels really... old

and I just thought I'd share (in a slightly humorous tone) the lessons I've learned "so far" (No big explanation for each, just try any one of them and I bet you'll either get a positive result or you'll feel better about life):

1. Be good to people.
2. Upon first glance, give everyone the benefit of the doubt.(-Im working on this)
3. God first, family second, everything else will take care of itself.
4. Give more than you expect.
5. Invest into the life of your children(it will pay off huge dividends).
6. Talk to total strangers. (Yeah I know, it is the exact opposite of what we were taught as children...)
7. Be brave.
8. Have a good cry now and then-sit in your shower and let it flow but don't tell anyone, they'll think you need Zoloft.
9. Buy yourself little treats(if you wait till Christmas and don't get them you'll be bitter).
10. Diets make you crabby and no fat on your body makes you moody.
11. Leave notes of gratitude to waiters/ tip more than expected.
12. Work harder as a volunteer than you would as a paid employee.
13. Choose being humble above being right.(It shuts them up faster too)
14. Write about it.(I do even if I don't undraft)
15. Take lots of pictures.(And download them too)
16. Go to a great movie with a large tub of popcorn by yourself. If feels GREAT!(First movie I ever saw alone was Kill Bill-loved it)
17. Strive to learn something new every week. It's empowering
18. Love. For God's sakes... LOVE!
19. Eat Chocolate. Yes...because chocolate=endorphans=happiness.
20. Trust in God with everything you have and all that you are, and watch Him take care of the rest.(Did I say that already)
21. Hey...your parents: they know what they are talking about. LISTEN.
22. If you like it, DO IT even if no one else agrees. If you don't you'll be an old fart that wished you had.
23. Nap.
24. TV really can rot your brain. Read a book.
25. God created you, and He loves you, so it is for the benefit of all mankind that YOU love YOU as well. You are a good thing...God said so.



Last one for 2009 - Likes and Dislikes

great conversation
this year is almost over
getting my point across
the perfect verse over a tight beat
music that moves me
a game that comes down to the last point
kit kat (no longer a reeses fan - they added to much peanut butter)
new lotions and oils
cute socks
people who actually listen
a great book
a surprise ending
those who allow me to be me (is this you?)
a great smile
good that come with the bad
my privacy (at times)

plain oatmeal
cheap bread
Oakland Raiders/ their fans
bad drivers
people who text while talking to you
people who ask to use my cell phone
selfishness (even my own)
fried okra
arrogance (I don't think I'm arrogant - is that arrogant?)
bad that comes with the good

Simply Truth

I can be irrational and difficult.
Moody and over-analytical.
Guide issues of the heart with the logic in my head.
Sometimes I will use too many seconds doubting and not enough of them noticing that someone thinks I'm perfect in all my imperfections.
simply....still...I am quite happy with who I am at the end of 2009.
I am continuing this work...on me...
Still an emphatic YES.

DISCLAIMER: sometimes my writing means nothing to anyone but me - I wish it were more intuitive at times.This is my continued therapy and as always it keeps me sane. Still I love you


Feliz cumpleaños mi amor - Happy Birthday

I sat down this morning and tried to think of something moving to write so that a reader could truly understand my journey with the twins. How much they have saved my life and how much I adore them. The are no real words to describe how I truly feel. Until today I didn't think 16 was ever coming...meaning, I felt they would be my babies forever.

That's probably why I finally gave into the promise to allow Twin A to get his ears pierced when he was 16. I made the deal at 12. He never forgot. I did. He started reminding me last Wednesday. CRAP! Thank God, I had enough sence to tell him he will never be allowed to get a tattoo as long as he lives in my home.

In all seriousness though, I looked back at some letters I wrote when they were still in my womb and how much I loved them before they even arrived. It's still tickles me to think of myself breaking down crying on the ultrasound table when they told me it was twins. I couldn't imagine how in the world I would ever complete this huge assignment the Lord had chosen for me. Instead I cursed God and asked him why he had done this to me. God is good and he only gave me one busy baby at a time. When one cried the other smiled, when one screamed the other slept, when one swing stopped rocking back and forth the other kept going. When one bottle was empty the other was full. Twin A walked a month before Twin B and Twin B talked 2 months before Twin A uttered a word. It has been like that their entire lives.

How far I've come in raising these two and no matter how many mistakes I make they continue to love me regardless. Our daily talks, or laying on the bed in silence or my loud mouth in the stands at their games make me so happy.

This year I promised myself I would baby them less and allow them to grow up a little and not shelter them so much but it's been a internal fight sometimes. When I see Twin B not working his hardest on the field or court, even though I know he is one of the most talented out there, I no longer want to beat up the coach because he is an "idiot" and doesn't know true talent. I look to my son and say "work harder, no one is going to give you anything you have to take it". I also make sure to reward him when his grades continue to rise because I want him to know that hard work pays off and an athletic scholarship is not the only way to college.

I'm still working on not coddling Twin A so much. He needs his hand held just a bit longer academically but with God's help, my continued push and some more maturity I'm sure he will be as successful in the classroom as he is on the field.

I've often said if you make them into one they are SUPERHUMAN but they are two and each have their own issues, traits, and qualities. No matter the situation they realize if that I love them so much and they love me. Tonight they have planned a dinner...including dates and a movie with friends for their 16th birthday. I guess I should enjoy the chauffering that I'll be doing tonight as next year they'll probably ask if they can use the car.

Twins - Mommy loves you more than you will ever know. Happy 16th. Love Mom.


Christmas Craziness

I'm a sleeping bear that hasn't been to sleep yet. I'm slightly crazed from lack of sleep, my back is in pain, my pockets are empty, my nerves are on edge and my christmas shopping is one present away from being done!

This week has only just begun. Last week ended Friday with Twin A bombing his Final in history which means he will be seeing Semester 1 of Modern History again in summer school but still pulling out a fairly decent GPA. Not good enough in my opinion to earn his driver's education classes yet or double my insurance but good enough to earn his phone back for the Christmas break.

Twin B however finished great but still didn't pull the 4.0, I would have liked. When I caught myself jumping on his case about just missing a perfect GPA, I had to remind Miss Nesha that I was such a dingbat in school I didn't even have friends that got all A's, let alone get more than an A in PE myself so to have a son battling for it each semester and missing it for bombing his Geometry final was still reason to be proud.

Now back to Christmas Craziness. I'm still finalizing a few school and sports projects that I'd like to get done before I hope out of town and I have one more gift to get before I blow the joint on Saturday morning....oh did I mention I'm heading out to see my beautiful mommy and handsome daddy in Texas? I can't wait.

My twins will be 16 on Wednesday. Wow! I get a little teary each time I say that...what frightens me even more is that they requested a Red Lobster birthday dinner with 6 friends (are they all gonna order crab????) This is a triple date! Even my shy baby boy Twin B has a date. I'm not ready for this. While overhearing a conversation about the digs they will be wearing for the dinner, Twin A said we need to tell the girls to wears skirts. My mind..."filthy"...said WHAT!!! I leaned into the conversation and said, "any girl who shows up in a skirt in December to Red Lobster is getting sent home, just FYI". I kept a straight face, even when they both gave me and each other a quizzical "What's she talking about" look. Hmpf! I know what I'm talking about and ain't no damn skirts going on! I know I was born at night...(HINT - December 25, 1973), but not last. I'm probably wrong but the little hooches still need to wear jeans. (insert smirk here).

Why does it always feel like even when you are done with your shopping that you have one last gift that you forgot? I even find myself getting stuff like a box of See's, a gift card at Starbucks or a candle just in case I forgot someone and I can't gift wrap it quickly. Feels weird saying it's Monday and I'm done. I'm sure I'll have to grab something tomorrow.

Until then, I'm working on my list of things I've learned for this year. Hopefully it will be published by Christmas!

I wanted to catch up with long post but I'm seriously just wanting to lay it down.

Love and hugs to all


The Blind Bat "Situation"

So for those of you who don't know me I think I truly need to explain myself on this "glasses situation". Problem is, I hate them. I hate little ugly spectacles sitting on my face. They annoy me. They are just not cute and above all they make me feel old. Problem is, that I cannot see a darn thing without them.

While my boys are playing football or basketball I know who they are from their build, the way they stand and move, but I can't actually see ANY of their features. I can't read the score clock, I can't see how much time is left, I can't see a friend waving to me across the gym to come sit next to her.

While driving, I know where I'm going because usually I've been there a million times but I can't actually see what the name of the streets are. When I go to a new place I'm so lost that I can't see the number of the house, so I stop in front of each house, I can't see the street until I actually pass it, or the exit to get off on.

Next problem. At the gym women think I'm mugging them and men think I'm staring at them. For this reason alone I try not to make many facial expressions at the gym, mall, store and just plain out in public because quite honestly people believe I'm looking at them when I can't even see them.

I've been known to say is that 'Suzie" and the boys laugh and say, no mom, that's "Sally".

I realize it's MY FAULT because I won't wear the glasses but I hate them. Picture this. I put them on right before the game begins and then the minute I go to the snackbar I snatch them off. Next issue, everyone is going to the snackbar at the same time - halftime-, so they think I'm snubbing them because my eyes are adjusting from taking my glasses back off and I walk right by them.

You know those phoney people who let you walk up on them and you know they saw you 10 minutes before you saw them and they say "ooooohhh, hey girl, I didn't even see you". Well really, I didn't see you, so please don't think I'm one of "those" people.

At one point it was my dream to be a police officer but my horrible vision put an end to that dream. Last year I almost couldn't renew my driver's license because I refused to tell them I had a eye prescription and I couldn't see the letters. I actually memorized the sign before the start of the test (darn shame huh).

So I hear you - Get lasik. I've already had the test and my vision is so bad that it wouldn't work for me. Wear contacts - my eyes are so sensitive that I can't wear them. I've tried 6 different times now and I walk around all day looking like the Grinch because my eyes don't make enough water to keep them moist and I have bottles of contact wet drops everywhere yet my eyes are still dry.

So I continue to complain and wear my trifocals (good thing is they make them really thin now so they don't look like coke bottles) and I sit here blind and making excuses for not wearing them. I've resolve to at wear them while driving, but I haven't given up my dream of walking to the snackbar and still looking cute.
Typical Diva. To know me is to love me! Check out some of my favorite glasses commercials.


Beware of the Skanks in Training

If you follow me on facebook at all you'll know that I was enraged at the end of my day yesterday regarding Twin A's new little love interest. I'm being polite in the decription of my post regarding the FSOA club (future skanks of america).

Here is a brief summary. Twin A who almost never texts unless its to me, dad or to ask a friend about an assignment a practice or to his ya-ya about his touchdowns had been on his phone texting away for about a week...night and day. His new quarter grades on powerschool left a lot to be desired as well and in my opinion he's been more than distracted the last couple of weeks. Add to the pot my lovely school VIP's who make sure I remain in the loop who also stopped by to throw me the skank alert flag, and my beams were on fire. The alert was not only was the girl not the most attractive chickenhead in the group but her reputation for already being a squirrel (you know what squirrels like to eat) had already made it around the school. She's a freshman and its November for Pete's sake.

After some detective work and checking my facts (you know we have our ways), I approached Twin who basically told me "mom I heard it all, she a nice girl and I like her". I gave him the benefit until I got my last phone call before I had my second discussion with him in which it went something like "I trust your judgement and will support whatever decison you make because I've raised you right but please know that for every rumor there is some truth to it and I'm not sure how you feel but the thought of kissing a girl who may even have possibly given bj's or anything else to some or even one of your friends should make you throw up in your mouth a little bit". He sat quietly and told me he would think about it and soon went to bed.

I got a text about an hour ago that said "mom, I love you I had to cut her".

I'm sure I can't chase all the hoes in training away forever and his emotions will eventually over rule my scenarios and visuals but for now it worked and all I can do is continue to put some type of morsel into his mind about what is appropriate to bring home.


Hey, Whatcha Talkin Bout!

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, What can I say? NOT A DARN THING. It's none of MY business and none of your's. Tiger don't pay my bills and I don't golf so why do I care about Tiger sleeping with some little chickenhead waitress. If Steve McNair didn't teach you about sleeping with broke waitress I can't help you. Nuff said.

Ron Artest - dude. You trippin. You coulda said you were a head case without telling ALLLLL THE BUSINESS! Dang dude!

Obama? Why you gotta go give them a date we gonna pull out. I see gold diggers hang around a raggedy rich dude for 18 months. You think terrorists don't have 18 months to wait it out. Jeeeezzzz. Keep some secrets to yo' self...PLEASE

Who in the HELL want Allen Iverson on their team? 76ers musta forgot all that ruckus he was making. They'll remember in a minute when he starting shooting everything he touch again and laying out in the floor having a temper tantrums. I'm just shaking my head. Allen needs to follow Latrell Sprewell into the land of disappear. He's quite raggedy now but Philly will learn soon enough.

That's it. I'm done for now. Going to bed. I'm exhausted

Baby It's Cold Outside

Love subjects you to the worse kinds of treatment. It completely bashes you sometimes doesn't it. It is literally a call to submit one's will to that of another. That may mean forgiving an offense quickly. Biting your tongue when misunderstood in order to prevent more hurt. Embracing when you're not ready to. Love never looks out for itself...it is constantly, intentionally self-less. Easier said than done huh?. Oh, it's quite easy to give your last dime when you don't have any issues standing in the way of you and the person in need. It's pretty effortless to give Love in the middle of June, on a gorgeous beach...as you and your love stretch out next to one another; picking out clouds and deciphering their shapes. Sure. But, to me, Love is sometimes the dead of winter. Two embittered people stung by circumstance and hovering together underneath one umbrella...while the harsh cold winds blow and the stinging snow comes down unmercifully. There is a chance for survival, because they are in it together. Chance. There will be times where the other person will slow his/her pace. Or get weary. And will need encouragement and a strong arm to hold them up. Soon, it may be your own feet that drag from the journey in the cold. Can't do this anymore. Love knows that it will die without exercise or freedom of movement. Freedom.

So, in the cold it moves as much as it possibly can...But what if there's only one person?

A solitary soul...out in the cold.

"...if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?"--Ecclesiastes 4:11

What happens to a person that has no other to keep him/her warm? To aid him/her along in the journey? Always possessing the Source/Creator of Love, but having no one to exercise Love to? Or having a body to keep warm, but receiving no warmth themselves in return? How does a heart survive without true empathy, selflessness, and kindness?How long will that soul travel the streets before someone stops to join him/her?


10 More Honest Things About Me

I was pondering -

1. I love that our family's roots are from the south. Wouldn't trade it for any other geographic affiliation in our nation.

2. I can't imagine my life without being a mother. I felt I've been here my entire life. It's hard to remember how life was before them.

3. I love the news and it's been years and years since I started my day without watching it. Whether good or bad I need to watch it and read it each morning.

4. I am surrounded by opportunities to force friendships. And I can't do it anymore. I'm sick of pretending that I have connections with people that I just don't. And that makes me sad....

5. I spend many moments of the day reminding myself that I am okay just the way that I am. I take up too much of my time actively trying to evolve/grow, but it's when I completely let go, that I forget what I lack; unconsciously trusting that it's God that adds to my heart daily.

6. I love writing. (Duh....but. Really. I do.) Even it's I'm just jotting down drama. I know I don't make since sometimes but it just feel so good to write and clear it out.

7. I don't know why Jesus loved me enough to die for me. Or why He still loves me. Or why He promises to love me always. But whatever the answer is...it is, by far, the hope of my life.

8. The more I'm extremely picky about what music I listen to/buy/download, the more gems I find. (I.e. Deemi - Soundtrack of my Life)

9. I'm starting to loathe the whole gift part of Christmas. I don't want a thing this year, I really don't want to buy anyone else anything this year either. Ba humbug

10. I love my momma and daddy. There's no one else I look up to more.


The People In My Life

I just wanted to say first that people sometimes should take a step back... stop what you are doing... and look at your life... where you've been, where you are, and where you're going... and then take a closer look and acknowledge the people that have helped you along the way... people that have helped you become who you are now...People that have wronged you but have somehow made you stronger.People that have been there for you only for a season never to see them again... but they were still there at some point.People that are distant but always watching you or praying for you.People that love you dearly and sacrifice for you.People that have changed your whole world.People that stick with you even when you have done things that would make an ordinary person want to leave.People that push you to grow, push you to become a better you, not just better.People that have broken your heart.I'm taking a second to acknowledge those people... thank you... thank you for everything, despite the wrong things i may have done to, despite whether or not i have hurt you or you have hurt me, even if i don't know you too well but you have impacted my life in some way... people i don't get along with, but have helped me understand how to love others better... thank you... thank you to those who have educated me, enlightened me, encouraged me... thank you to those who have loved me and shown me that love... life is all the more better because of you all... and you continue to inspire me !!!

Little This, Little That

1) I am terribly afraid of failing. Not in the everyday sense of making a mistake, but not becoming the person that i have the potential to become.
2) I am now living in the crazy state of mind right now. Can't explain

3) I am in love with a nice hot bath of bubbles

4) I love massages
5) I hate when there is a whole empty row and someone I don't know comes and sits RIGHT next to me or really close..ugh! Especially the treadmill at the gym
6) too much contemplating

7) I detest people with no common sense!!! No really, i do!!! :-)
8) I'm use to love roller coasters as a kid. Now they terrify me

9) I adore hanging out in the house in my pjs and no shoes

10) I hate catching myself laughing outloud

11) I believe I'm much more complicated than anyone will ever understand.

12) I love to read....looking for my next novel
13) Despise all romance novels....don't hate me people :-)
14) I love new and interesting words....

15) I wish I was more sensitive to other's feelings
16) I REALLY don't like pets

17) I love talk radio

18) I can palm two men's basketballs

19) I hate encountering new situations (new school, new job, new friends, new places)
20) I hate fried okra

21) I love a great smile
22) I hate double standards
23) I absolutely HATE shopping, especially on black Friday
24) I green is my favorite color

25) At my core, i am the same person i was when i was 10:-)...uncontent, serious, curious and nosey
26) I pride myself on being different and slightly peculiar
27) I despise public restrooms and I'll hold it all day to keep from using them.
28)I hate when someone says something funny and people laugh and then they keep saying it.
29) I don't really like other people's small children...I know it's mean

30) I love great sermons

31) simplicity rules
32) I believe the eyes are the windows to the soul!!!
33) I adore music

34) Lover of forensic shows
35) Raisin bran is my favorite

36) I was such an ugly duckling in high school and so skinny that my socks didn't fit my ankles

37) I love to travel
38) I am afraid of cats

39) I'm a product junkie and would love to own a Walgreens or Rite-Aid
40) I would to throw snowballs before actually skiing
41) I enjoy camping...in my bedroom.
42) I am afraid of the dark and that's why I sleep with my tv on

43) Disrespectful and aggressive individuals annoy me
44) I'm way to competitive for my own good.
45) I hate people using my stuff (lotion, soap, tweezers, food).
46) I love a great deal on a nice pair of shoes

47) I don't have any tattoos
48) No piercings except my earholes
49) I HATE being told to do something instead of asked

50) I wish my butt was bigger and my bra size was two sizes up. (Happy 50 items)

Turkey Time

I must admit that I don’t understand the motivation and rationale behind Thanksgiving. Of course, I understand that Thanksgiving is a day set aside so that we give thanks for the blessings of the past year, but I don’t really get the traditions behind the day. Indians and Pilgrims, blah blah blah.

So we give thanks by overindulging, by stuffing ourselves until we are utterly miserable? I have often questioned the rationale of showing thanks by engaging in a day of gluttony. Just doesn’t really seem to make sense. Wouldn’t it make more sense to show our thanks by spending a day of fasting and prayful reflection?

But who am I to go against this Hallmark holiday that kicks off the Christmas season? Who am I to ponder too much on good food? So I will spend Thanksgiving indulging myself in direct proportion to those blessings that have come my way this past year, and those blessings have been many. In other words, I am going to make a pig of myself again this year, and by late this afternoon, I will be cursing myself for overdoing it once again. By the way, I was extremely annoyed when I called to find out 24 hour fitness would close at 2pm. What exactly does 24 HOUR FITNESS MEAN?

But in all seriousness, I have plenty this year to be thankful for. I am thankful for having been blessed with beautiful family. I am thankful that we finish this year with a safe place to lay our heads at night and food on the table; there are so many others who may not be able to say the same.

I am thankful for the friends that have come into my life. I am thankful for the opportunities I have been given this year as well as the opportunities that are to come. I am thankful for a future that looks bright. I am so thankful that we are not going through the same injuries this Thanksgiving as last when I had a 4 year old with a broken femur and a 14 year old with a broken fibula and tibula.

I am so thankful my mommy and daddy continue to be healthy and happy and my sisters are well too. I am even thankful for each trial that makes me stronger and a voice if even through my blog that allows me to voice my feelings at times.
I am thankful for all those who continue to pray for me and my family and even when I am too foolish (or too arrogant) to pray for myself.

If I were too continue with those things I am thankful for, this list would continue ad naseum; however, there is one more thing that I feel I must give thanks for. I am thankful that I continue to have readers to come over and read my pitiful commentaries and occasionally leave a comment or two. Thank you and I wish you and your family and love ones a very Happy Thanksgiving.


In the Pit of My Belly

So much craziness going on right now. I learned this weekend that I'm not insane. I'm every bit the overprotective mother I ever wanted to be. Found out some information that has recently changed the life of one of my children's friends forever. I feel sad for them. I don't care what ANYBODY says YES, MY CHILDREN ARE SHELTERED, Yes I'm overbearing, protective, too sensitive and too involved in my children's lives. SO WHAT. Kiss my butt.

I'm staying this way.

I feel like sending my favorite song but instead of posting the video I'll post the lyrics.

I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don't care
'Cause I know my happiness is waiting out there somewhere
I'm searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I've never seen
Oh I'd like to take just a moment and dream my dream
Dream my dream
Zoom I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind is fresh and clear
And I'd find the love that I long to see
Where everybody can be what they wanna be
I'd like the greet the sun each morning



I can feel it come in the air tonight, oh Lord - Phil Collins

Well, it's that time. Been waiting all season for it to get here and now is the time. Playoffs are here and in the SJS Saint Mary's High School is rated #1 baby! Come get it!

Checked to make sure my boys were focused on the task at hand and grades look good. Next checked their myspace pages for inspection and I found this on Twin A's page...

love it!

On Twin B's page I found something equally as good. Love a multi-talented receiver -

Twin B has gone on to basketball. The last JV football game ended Friday night. Saturday morning he was at basketball practice at 8am. This was the last football reminent I found on his page as he's remade it to fit the upcoming basketball season. Still love that round ball! Can't wait for the season to begin but right now I got OUR (YES I SAID OUR)...okay okay, (THEIR) sights set on a run for the state title. It's all for the parents anyway right?

Be back with an update next Friday peeps!


Good Morning Heartache

I often refer to my favorite movie "Lady Sings the Blues" because Billy Holiday seemed such a woman on the edge of greatness who could never get over her desire to belong, feel true love or appreciation and in the end her sadness was her demise.

Today, I feel wounded. Somedays life seems hard. I couldn't think of a more perfect song.

Hoping tomorrow is better.


Honest Scrap Award

The Honest Mommy nominated me with this award and I'd love to share it with those important blogs that I read daily.

Thank you for the "Honest Scrap Award". When I first decided to make this blog I was a bit afraid, since it has been so hard for me over the years to share intimate parts of my life, experiences, and things that I'm going through as I speak. I feel that by sharing I reveil myself, release tension and allow people to know the real me.

Thank you so much to everyone who takes the time to read my blog, it really means a lot to me that you enjoy my work, I love comments but it's okay if you read privately too. Hugs to all

The honest scrap award rules:

1. Present the award to seven bloggers whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design or who have encouraged you.
2. Tell those seven people that you have given them the Honest Scrap Award.
3. Share ten honest things about yourself.

I Nominate :
A Place of Comfort
Bitching Wives Club
The Nubian Epistle
Live Out Loud Then Write About It
In Dew Season
Sam I Am Land
The Way It Is

I love following all of your blogs; they inspire me with my work, and show that regardless of how diverse we all are, we are always connected by words and our love for writing and sharing.

10 honest things about me

1. I love Jesus
2. I adore my family
3. I am connected at the hip to my blackberry
4. I eat yogurt every single morning
5. I hate coffee and the smell of cigarettes
6. I am a procrastinator but the finished project always looks like weeks of work
7. I love folding fresh towels out of the dryer
8. I'd rather not work out then work out with my ipod
9. I read the newspaper every morning followed by checking my favorite sports forums
10.Working on me is a daily process. Honestly

The Evolution of Beauty

“Character contributes to beauty. It fortifies a woman as her youth fades. A mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude, and integrity can do a great deal to make a woman beautiful.”- Anonymous

Little girls everywhere need to see this.

Some Stuff

We all have baggage; it's a pre-requisite for life. Writing is what keeps me sane and sustains my soul, never could I leave it. I don't want to let it go.

I write fragmented pieces of memories, emotions, fears and dreams. I desire to share with those important to me, and I'm eager to read my pieces and share a more intimate side of myself.


Saints Are ROLLIN!

Yes, I am every bit the daddy's girl you thought I was. I love everything my daddy loves, including THE SAINTS! My daddy has been a Saints fan since their inception. When the Saints were losing he still repped his team with pride. His a Louisiana Boy! (RUSTON - WHA WHATTTT!) Whatcha know 'bout that GSU BABBBBBBY!

Anyway, the Saints are rollin! Only time we..YES now it's we cause like I said "I roll wit' my daddy" was in 1991 in the franchise's 43 year history.

Let's keeping it going guys!


Football Pics

The push for the holidays has begun. I'm getting nervous. Things are getting tight and the economy is starting to squeeze just a little...well a lot.
I'm having fun watching the boys week to week play their football games and I still continue to push them in the classroom. Sometimes it's a struggle. Got some new football pics. Thought I'd share!

Slightly Rambling

Just some words...I love that this is my blog, and nothing has to make since. I don't really mind how many followers I have, if it's read at all, if no one but me clicks. Sometimes my blog, my ipod and some arm curls are what keeps me sane.

Funny been using that "sane" word a lot lately.

Just words



Happy "Act a Fool Day" Day

"Its close to midnight and something evils lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes, You're paralyzed"

- Thriller, Michael Jackson

It’s that time of the year again. Time to act a fool. Let me call it by its government name: Halloween. I don’t need a calendar to know when October 31st is approaching ‘cause the signs are clear. Houses decorated with jack-o-lanterns, witches, ghosts, and cobwebs. The specialty aisle in the grocery store is all decked out in orange and black. Every sitcom, drama, and other television series are airing commercials for their Halloween special. Every club in America is throwing a party, offering such prizes as $500 to the best Ice-T & Coco costume. And if I hear one more thunder clap on the TV or radio…

Who said thunder had a thing to do with Halloween anyway? The History Channel states Halloween's origins date back 2,000 years ago to the ancient Celtics celebrating their New Year, November 1st. This day marked the end of summer & the harvest and the beginning of the dark, cold winter, a time of year that was often associated with human death. Celts believed that on the night before the New Year (October 31), the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred. On that night they celebrated Samhain, when it was believed that the ghosts of the dead returned to earth. To commemorate the event, Druids built huge sacred bonfires, where the people gathered to burn crops and animals as sacrifices to the Celtic deities. During the celebration, people wore costumes, typically consisting of animal heads and skins, and attempted to tell each other's fortunes.

European immigrants brought many Halloween customs with them to America. In the late 1800s, Americans made an effort to mold Halloween into a holiday more about community and neighborly get-togethers, than about ghosts, pranks, and witchcraft. Now, at the top of the 21st century, this day has evolved into a celebration of assholery and buffoonery.

I’m sure most of you don’t give a darn about the origins of Halloween but I think it’s important to know your history. I witnessed a white man dressed as Superman stop in the middle of the street and yell “now watch me Superman dat hoe”. Acting a fool!

How do you explain what Halloween is to the kids? I’m trying to put together something coherent but it’s real hard. Here’s an idea:

Halloween is one of several “special days” created by our nation to incur a massive profit in a significantly short period of time thus fueling our economy and maintaining the value of the dollar. In other words sweetie, it keeps our country rich.

How was that? Oh you think I’m tripping? Going a tad too far? According to the National Retail Foundation’s 2008 Halloween Consumer Intentions and Actions Survey, consumers are expected to spend $5.07 billion this Halloween, up from $4.96 billion last year and only $3.29 billion two years ago. Other cool facts from the survey include:

The average consumer celebrating Halloween will spend $64.82 on Halloween, compared to $59.06 last year.

Halloween has become the third biggest occasion for adult parties after New Year's Eve and the Super Bowl

Halloween continues as one of the biggest decorating holidays of the year, second only to Christmas. 66.7% of consumers plan to purchase Halloween decor and 47.8 % plan to decorate their home or yard. Consumers will spend approximately $1.39 billion on decorations, an average of $26.59 for those planning purchases.

Because it is not a gift-giving or an apparel holiday, Halloween ranks lower than other annual holidays in terms of spending. Halloween remains the sixth-largest spending holiday after: Winter Holidays, Valentine's Day, Easter, Mother's Day, and Father's Day.

Keep that in mind the next time you put on your pirate patch, witch hat, or vampire cape. Think about that while you feed your children junk. When someone says to you "Happy Halloween", before you answer back ask yourself what the heck does than mean. Instead of spending $64.82 on some bull, deposit it into an account that will accrue interest, make a tax-free donation to a charitable organization, use it to buy someone lunch or another random act of kindness. But please don't buy into ignorance all for the sake of having a free pass to act a damn fool for the day. That is one storm I do not sanction.

Of course scary things happen every day, not just October 31st. And you know the freaks come out at night ;-)


Just Stopping By


Wow! Things have been a little crazy here lately and it's becoming much harder to make this a daily blog. Weekly has been hard enough. Football season is NUTS! It seems the Fridays are flying by.

My boys team cracked the top 100 in the nation this week! See for yourself. We'll take the number #88 spot!. BAM BAM will make his Varsity appearance this week. After accumulating 14tds in 7 games at the JV level this year and 500+ yards he's making the big jump. I'm a little worried for him but we left the decision completely up to him. I'm hoping he won't be camping out on the sideline too much. Even a 4th quarter appearance would make me...and him, I'm sure feel good. We'll see.

Twin B will stay down at JV and he's doing well with quite a few vicious catches in traffic this year, but I still look at his face and watch the computer history and his frequent visits to the basketball forums and know that he is pining for the basketball season to begin.

As the holidays begin to approach I'm increasingly becoming more anxious to visit my mom and dad sometime soon. I never thought I'd be a adult child in misery over not seeing her parents but I somehow feel that visits to them are necessary to keep me sane. As necessary as my gym visits each day...I know, wierd but even though I've been with my immediate family all of my adult life I still sometimes feel as if my real wall only can be let down with my mommy and daddy. Yes that is what I call them and if you have a problem with it...SEE ME. (smile)

Well, I rushed this one in between, scrubbing uniforms and floading 4 loads of laundry that has been sitting slowly growing in a chair for 2 days. Peace and Hair Grease!

Just say no to fried ocra!



100 Times

Here we go, the fabled 100 Things About Me for my 100th blog post (I missed it so I'm doing it now). You've all been holding your breath waiting for this, right? Well, exhale and read on!

1. I have a freakishly good long-term memory. I can remember things accurately going back to when I was just over 2 years old. I also can memorize things very quickly and easily. I remember ALMOST everything that I've ever read.

2. I will occasionally pretend not to remember something because people would find it weird/odd/stalkery for me to remember it/them, which I do thanks to #1.

3. I'd like to learn how to play the piano. This is my midlife crisis plan: no fancy car, just a piano and some lessons.

4. I'm a high school sports 'FAN' addict. Mostly football, boys and girls basketball and track. Daily I read local and national forums and newspapers.

5. I get slightly annoyed when someone sends me an article I already read that morning especially if they are close because I'm usually thinking "you aren't telling me anything I don't already know dingbat, I read that at 7am this morning.

6.I was a Brownie, then a Girl Scout and I still remember the Girl Scout Song and Kumbaya.

7. I love reading magaizines from cover to cover.

8. I was taught how to speed read in a Gifted and Talented program in 5th grade, and to this day, I read very, very, very quickly.

9. I failed my driver's license test the first time I took it (on my 20th birthday). I failed due to parallel parking. I can now parallel park my big suburban with the best of them.

10. I'm really, really talkative. Gregarious. Outgoing. Loquacious. Chatty. Expansive. Verbal to those I like. If I've sat next to you and not talked to you, I probably don't like you. (Sorry, just being honest).

11. Just kidding about #11. I talk to everyone, even strangers in line at the grocery store.

12. I always dreamed of being an actress or a teacher. Later my dream was to be a police officer but my near blindness quickly killed that.

13. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life.

14. I can't sleep without being on my side. If I had to sleep on my back I'd be awake all night.

15. I used to be in charge of a doctor's committee at Kaiser for Drug Seeking Behavior. I had no idea that so many people in the world were addicted to presciption drugs and the lengths they would go to get them.

16. I was raising one eyebrow long before THE ROCK!

17. I can still do the Fosbury Flop on que and high jumped with no shoes in high school.

18. I've never considered myself to be pretty.

19. The smell of most animals makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit. I think animals know that I don't like them so I often have to stand still and suffer as cats or dogs of friends "check out" my feet and legs but I really am not a pet lover.

20. I have had the same recurring nightmare since I was 16 years old.

21. I always dream in color. I didn't realize there are actually people who don't dream in color until one day at lunch when I was describing a dream I'd had to my coworkers and one of them stopped me to say he'd never dreamed in color in his life. I find that very odd, assuming one isn't colorblind, that one wouldn't dream in color. I mean, we LIVE in color, don't we?

22. I wasn't popular high school. I was so skinny that most of my socks didn't fit my ankles. (Get your laugh on) and I wore leg warmers and extra pants under my jeans to make myself look thicker.

23. My new ipod currently has 750 songs and I've listened to them all at least twice.

24. I have one slanted eye and one round eye.

25. I've been to 12 states in the United States.

26. I want to go to every state in the US someday. The state I'd like to go to the most, to which I've never yet been, is New York.

27. I have a fear of sleeping in public, and won't allow myself to fall asleep unless a loved one is there to stand guard.

28. I talk in my sleep. I have had entire conversations while sound asleep.

I've always wanted to swim with dolphins. (The closest I've come thus far is seeing them from a boat in the Gulf of Mexico out of Tampa Bay and touching one at the Mirage in Vegas.)
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an archaeologist and a linguist. At the same time - I thought knowing many languages well would help with the world travel required for archaeology.
When I was a senior in high school, I played the role of "Smitty" in the school musical (we did How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying that year). A few years later, I began dating my hubby, who was nicknamed Smitty. I refused to ever actually call him that, though.

I do a killer rendition of Barry Manilow's Copacabana. I perfected the routine when I was about five years old.
The first movie I remember seeing in the theater is Snow White. According to IMDB, Snow White was re-released in December of 1975, which means that I was 4 years old.
I have a serious fear of heights. Not heights, specifically, but of heights where falling seems possible. (For example, I've been to the top of the Empire State Building or similarly high places and felt fine as could be. When we went on a cruise once, I couldn't stand at the railing on deck because that didn't feel secure enough. Even watching a movie where a character or the camera angle is up high - like Cliffhanger - can make my palms sweat.) I'm not sure if "fear of falling from a height" is actually acrophobia, but whatever it is, I've got it!
I'm more concerned than I ever try to let on about people liking me. This stems from the years as a child where I had no friends (primarily age 7-12) and was utterly miserable. Consequently, I find it hard to say no to people, because I just want to be liked!
I can hang a spoon off my nose. I've also taught my daughter how to do this, because come on, isn't that an essential skill?
I never broke a bone in my body for the first 18 years of my life, despite being a huge klutz.
Two days after my 18th birthday, I fractured my skull and broke my nose while sledding.
Ever since I broke my nose, I snore, especially so if I'm the slightest bit congested. (According to Hubby, I snore very, very loudly when I'm congested, too. Loudly enough to drive him to the guest room when I'm sick just so he can get some sleep.)
I'm allergic to the sun. (It's called PMLE.) My sun allergy started when I was 18 years old, on a trip to Mexico. (Coincidence that it was the closest I'd ever been to the equator? I don't know...)
I have been to eight countries outside the US (Canada, Mexico, the Cayman Islands, Jamaica, England, Wales, Italy and Switzerland).
I can walk down a flight of stairs while balancing a dictionary on my head.
I have been in the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans as well as the Gulf of Mexico and the Mediterranean Sea.
I once came upon an adult (or at least it was quite large) octopus while swimming in the Mediterranean. I have never swum so fast in my life as I did to get back to the boat after encountering it.
My nicknames in high school were Mugsy and Heddy. There are very, very few people who still use these names.
The other name my parents were considering for me was Pamela. The reason I wasn't named Pamela was because my father has an aversion to nicknames and didn't want to give any of his children names from which a nickname was commonly derived. If I'd been a boy, I would've been named Derek.
I cry very, very easily. Books, movies, TV shows (and not just the Lifetime channel), even newspaper stories and TV commercials have been known to turn me into a blubbering mess. Even just hearing a sad or touching story told in real life can reduce me to tears.
I have been in the studio audience for both the Arsenio Hall Show and the Phil Donahue show.
I'm a naturally upbeat and happy person. I'm cheerful a lot more than I'm grouchy, and I like it that way. Optimist and glass-half-full is my general mode.

My favorite holiday is Christmas. I am a Christmas nut. My hubby had to enact a rule in which Christmas music is not allowed to be played except between the day after Thanksgiving and New Year's Day. Kiddo and I have amended that rule to "played in Hubby's earshot" and listen to it for much longer than that.
I have a snowman figurine collection. I love snowmen.
I do not, however, particularly love snow. I like snow for a couple of weeks in December, but by January, I'm over it. Unfortunately, I live in a corner of the world where it can start snowing in October and last through April into May. Seriously, Kiddo has been Easter Egg hunting in snowpants before.
I would love to live on a beach somewhere.
For our honeymoon, Hubby and I went to Disney World. The very first ride we went on during our honeymoon was the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. (Have I mentioned my fear of falling from a great height? Yeah. I thought so.) Somehow, not only did I not die from fright, but I enjoyed it so much that we spent the entire morning re-riding the ride.

I have never ridden on a roller coaster (or any other amusement park ride) that goes upside down. I plan to ride on a roller coaster that does go upside down for the first time next month when we go to Disney World. (That'd be the Rockin' Roller Coaster starring my beloved Aerosmith.)

I had two sets of adult teeth, and subsequently had 33 teeth pulled, not counting my wisdom teeth.

I have ridden an elephant and a camel and petted a lion cub.
I cannot stand pumpkin guts. The smell and feel of them makes me woozy. Real, animal guts? No problem, but pumpkin guts, ewwwww.

I would love to someday be a published author. Of what, exactly, I haven't decided yet, hence the "someday" part of this one............
Whew. 100 things isn't easy. Did anyone actually read them all? I don't think I'll be repeating this for 200 or 1000..............

Doin Me

So there was a song out on the radio a couple of years ago by someone named Rocko (yeah not really sure who he is) titled Imma do me. Well actually when I googled the song (because I am getting old and out of touch), I found out that it was titled: Umma do me. Lawd! Please save the babies...

So the chorus to the song is as follows: you just do you and Imma do me…Never mind that the rest of the song is filled with the usual boasting and braggadocio of having money, platinum and other things us regular folk can never have… let’s just focus on: you just do you and Imma do me. Not too profound is it?

Years ago I read renowned theologian Howard Thurman’s book The Search for Common Ground and he writes: I have always wanted to be me without making it difficult for you to be you. Profound and insightful is it not? And dare I say the complex, philosophical version of: you just do you and Imma do me…And if I may add, way easier said than done...

Problem is this. I'm a capricorn. A born Ox. It's so hard for me to allow people to "DO THEM" without judging. If you've been reading my blog for a minute then you realize how "black and white" I am. I judge people so harshly at times. I'm really working on it. Some say it's not a big deal but it really is...I'm getting off subject. Let me get back on.

When I first read Thurman’s line years ago it made me pause because I thought about how difficult it is to let someone be who they are or who they want to be without bringing all your own stuff to the table. Parents place extraordinary expectations onto their children, friends have unrealistic demands of friends, spouses project their uncertainties onto spouses, etc, etc. At one point or another we have felt the need to tell somebody about themselves, about how they were living, about what they need to do: go back to school, leave that man alone, take that job, don’t take a risk and move to a different city… And if we haven’t said it to their faces, we’ve thought about it or gossiped with our other friends about it. We have brought our own fears and trepidation about our lives into someone else’s life and tried to stop them from being who they are and who they want to be.

A few years ago, a friend and I had tête à tête. I told her all about herself and what I thought about a certain situation she had been in, not in a mean way per se, but in a matter of fact, I think I’m being helpful and being a friend kinda way…And she retorted by telling me all about herself, her real self...Who she was at the time and who she is now. What she believed then and how she has grown from that situation. She revealed parts of psyche that I never knew (and I mean was I really entitled to knowing the inner workings of her mind) that left me like “oh is that what you been thinking all along? Well I ain't know all that…”

It was days after our exchange I thought about Thurman's line and I had one of those ‘doh’, I coulda had a V8 moments. I realized that I had brought how I would live my life into my friend’s life. And how many of y’all know that doesn’t work? I mean like ever. I had to really accept that just because we're friends or family, just because we share a lot of the same values, hopes and wants in life, doesn't mean that we approach situations the same way. I had brought a little too much of me into her life...

As 2010 approaches I have been thinking about ways that I want to improve, not resolutions that can be broken in a few weeks or a few months, but slight alterations or improvements that might take years of work to see results. And I have decided that I’m committed to doing me. I am ready to examine parts of me that may make it difficult for others to be themselves: my nosiness, my judgmental ways, my refusal to let some things go, my 'I know what's best for you' attitude... I’m committed to living my life and my life only, committed to emitting my inner fabulousness for all the world to enjoy, committed to being the best daughter, sister,friend, wife, mother, etc. that I can be without purposefully encroaching on the lives of others.

Now this isn’t to say that I won’t provide sage advice to those who ask (smile), but it does mean that I’m going to resist telling people (or spend a huge amount of time worrying about) what they need to do to get themselves together. As we get older, I see some friends growing up and getting themselves together, some remaining seemingly stagnant, some making decisions that I question and wonder how that’s going to work out later on, but I am really accepting that we all have our own path to take. And while we need all the support and encouragement as we walk down that road, when it's all said and done, no one can do it for us or make us do anything differently. So you just do you and Imma do me. For real this time.

Theme Music

My New Favorite Song. I think Fergie made it just for me. Reading my thoughts again.


Slighty Schizophrentic or Completely Sane

Fried Ocra? NOT!Talapia is new to me. Are you close to your mother? Your father? Your sister? Your brother?Good friend? Good Father? Good Mother? Are you happy with your decisions? Can you live with them? Is this really real? Do you smile when you feel like frowning? Can you make a way when there is no way? Would you give anything for it? Do you miss her, miss her...or just miss her? Can I get just a little D...elicious buffalo wings? What happened to my ipod? A million trips to Target. Look in my eyes. Cheese. Don't touch that spot. That's my spot. My name is written in the sand. That's so special. I've learned a lot. Changed a lot. Grown a lot. I'm still the same. A college kid? Wow? Boy or Girl? Silence is golden. Who would have thought.

Theme Music

My first love is music. I begin each day with it and I end each night with it. Music is the language of my heart and I could not imagine life without it. Every person has a soundtrack to their life. Songs that signify a special person, a unique place, a family gathering, or even a broken heart. Today, I am having a hard time putting words together. I am finding difficulty in synching my tongue [and fingers] with the body and soul. Therfore I am sharing with you the current melody that my heart beats.

I hope you enjoy. I may just a foolish dreamer but I don't care....


The Makings Of You

There's a time in your life when you find who you are
That's the golden time of day.

-Golden Time of Day, Maze featuring Frankie Beverly

Is this not one of the most beautiful ideas revealed in song? In life? Frankie n'em hit the nail on the head with this line right here. Even though as people we all grow and change, there comes a time when you have to set some standards, principles, convictions, truths about and for yourself. You have to know who you are and where you stand. Now let's not play ourselves, it takes some people longer than others to get there but hopefully everyone will…cause once you do, it's a beautiful thing, but it certainly is a process.

There are two people in my family, my gran and my uncle who was married to gran's daughter, and hearing stories about them has made them legends of sorts in my eyes. Both have now passed away. But whenever someone speaks about them, it's always with a quiet reverence and genuine admiration, like they left more than an impact but an imprint on my family’s soul.

It's interesting to hear what people have to say about someone, and not while their eulogy is being given at the funeral, but after that, years later, decades later even, when people remember the sums that made that person whole. It really says something that everyone has the same view of that person, without having to consult others for agreement, because that person left each individual with the same impression. And that's a powerful thing. Ain't it?

I'm not saying that either of these people walked through life, thinking "let me be this way so people have something good to say when I'm gone." But instead it seems that they knew what kind of people they wanted to be and they lived their lives accordingly. From these seemingly mundane, everyday activities of working, raising a family, character emerged, principles were revealed, and values were affirmed. And the people around them noticed and remembered. Now, I don't know what experiences helped shaped their final decision of how they wanted to live life, but I think that at some point, they had to have looked at life and said, this is how I'm going to navigate it, and this is the kind of person I'm going to be while doing it.

And that's a hard thing. To become a consistent person. To know yourself at your core and then to live your life in such a way that it’s revealed in the seemingly insignificant moments that in actuality string life together. That’s a beautiful thing. But it can take some work getting there. It can take some growing up, some exiting from a state of denial into one of acceptance about one’s flaws and imperfections, some true self examination of where you've been and where you want to go. I’m sure at one point or another; a lot of us have had to stop to ask ourselves: Who am I? What kind of person do I want to become? How do I get there? The hope is that you find the answers along the journey, hopefully in time, to enjoy the sunshine.

Dont Revoke My Pass

So what exactly do y’all think would happen if I gave up my Strong Black Woman card for a few hours, a few days, a few weeks, shit a few years even? Would I ever get it back or would it be permanently revoked? I understand that as Black women we are supposed to be all things to everybody cause that’s how our mamas did it, our grandmas did it, they mamas mamas did it…that’s how us Black women have survived through slavery, brutal rapes, family separation, Jim Crow, the Great Migration, segregation, discrimination, racism, strife, disease, poverty, and just regular day-to-day living. But I gotta admit something, I’m tired. I need a break.

I do have what seems to be that innate gene in Black women that makes us feel that we have to carry the world on our backs, like Atlas. But what if we shrugged? What if we took time for ourselves and did what made us happy for once? Forget what our friends, our family, our church, our co-workers say we need to do, should be doing, haven’t done, please volunteer for this, please cook something and bring it to the potluck, teach Sunday School, chair this committee, read this essay for your cousin applying to college, help mama with this, the dishes need doing,twin A gotta go here and twin B gotta go here, the baby sick, somebody can't find their wallet, and your husband or man needs loving, the kids noses need wiping…what if we just said screw it all and lived for us?

This subject has been on my mind since I saw Keyshia Cole’s reality show The Way It Is on BET. Her sister Neffe went to a medical facility to be tested for STD’s because she found out that her last partner was a drug user. What she found out instead was that she was 6 weeks pregnant. Now this is a woman who already has 3 children, who is separated from her husband and has had a lifetime of hardships and strife. When she found out she was pregnant, her face fell, her whole body language just screamed defeated and you could tell that she was not prepared to have another baby.
Now, I could have gotten on my high horse and criticized her decision making skills, but the following scene with her riding in the car from the clinic shook me to my core. She started yelling and screaming and it was clear that it was misplaced anger about finding out she was pregnant. And then it hit me. She is the face of depression. She is so many Black women who mask their depression by putting on that Angry Black Woman and/or Strong Black Woman façade…you know the two can be interchangeable right? And sometimes they happen at the same time, when we get to sucking our teeth, rolling our necks, cussing and kicking that man out, talking bout we don’t need nobody. Like so many Black women, Neffe had shoved her sadness into a deep, dark place and what we saw was merely a manifestation of that depression.

We are carrying that tired, old, heavy mantra that we “can do it all by our damn selves.” Um, we can’t. We shouldn’t have to. We have to shift some of the weight (easier said than done, I know, I know). Alright then, we’ve got to drop some of the load. Admit that some things and everything just can’t get done. Admit that you need help. Cause you know what happens when you don’t. Depression reveals itself in: anger, overeating, low self esteem, substance abuse, sex, anything to numb the pain. In an effort not to go this route I tend to lean the other way and just not speak...I figure this is my way of not going the "angry black woman" path.

When I look back at my childhood, one thing I admire about my mother was that she always took time out for herself. She always made time to get her nails done, her hair done, to hang out with her friends and be away from work, husband and kids. Sometimes she would close her bedroom door and tell me and my sisters that she needed to be alone and not to bother her unless we were bleeding. And we did as we were told and left her alone.

Sometimes when I tell this story, people (women in particular) can’t comprehend that my mother made time for herself. The fact that she took a few hours to herself seems so selfish. But I think that she understood the importance of being with herself, in stillness, peace and silence. I think this kept her sane, grounded and strong. Really strong. Now sometimes she took on more than she could handle, But she always managed to do for us and herself.

As I get older, I find myself taking on a lot of responsibilities. And sometimes it becomes overwhelming: working, side hustling, volunteering, trying to fulfill my personal dreams and have a social life. And I wonder, who can I turn to if I’m always the one who is called on? When do I get to crack? Sometimes I fear that maybe I say “yes” to too many things, so that I don’t have time to be sad or think to much. And that’s not the way to go either. Balance is necessary. Listening to my body and accepting my emotions are necessary. I am reminded of lyrics from Jill Scott’s song, I Keep : I keep smiling when I come through, and I cry when I need to…So, I am learning to find joy in all aspects of my life. I am learning to stop worrying about what I don’t have yet and just keep moving towards my goals. I’m learning to take care of myself because it’s the most that I can do. I am beginning to accept that I can’t do it all. And I’m not even going to try. So let me get that Strong Black Woman guest pass.

That’s my time y’all!


I am Superwoman because
in a single bound I can make a smile out of a frown
bad moments roll of my chest
like hot ones off a bullet proof vest
I can work, work it out, cook a tasty meal
give the kids a bath, perm my hair
and still have give him something he can feel
I can smell bullsh** coming
like Ray Charles can hear
a hummingbird humming
I can tear down a persons brick wall
without using my hands at all
I can balance being a mother, a wife, and a friend
all on one hand.
I know although I'm just one person
I can help God give many blessings day to day.
I am Superwoman and with me there is no Superman

I Am

Bring me to a place....
where i dont belong...
and im sure,
that ill find my way home...
Im lost in a sea,
full of many things,
most of them dreams....
or things that are unseen.....
No one feels my struggle,
no one sees my pain....
No one understands my restraint...
my withdraw from the world....
from the society that surrounds me....
No one can see the things that haunt me....
No one can understand my fear....
They dont know why i dont want to get near....
They are so quick to judge,
They are so quick to nudge,
They are so quick to assume,
But no one dares to ask why,
why, sometimes at night i cry,
and sometimes i feel like i should die,
and sometimes...i feel like i shouldnt try....
But i keep on going anyway....
For those who understand,
for those who know,
For those who seen and watch me grow.....
For those whose seen those sleepless nights,
and foodless days....
For those who's love strayed away,
For those who had their heart broken,
and couldnt bear the pain...
i carry their burden,
i carry their name,
I am the hope,
I am the dream,
I am everything in between,
I am here to rise and succeed,
I am now what the world needs...
I am love,
I am strength,
I am happiness......
Im the definition of.....


Just Pondering

Just some things I've been thinking about as my thoughts have been drifting the last couple of days. It's hard to write when my mind is so jumbled so I'm doing my best to be in the very best spirits I can because I know everyday is a blessing. I love this, I've learned email so I decided to leave the ones that I've LEARNED from.

I've learned to believe people when they show you who they are the first time.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, a flat tire, and a rejected credit card.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. (or move away to Texas)

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back sometimes.

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.

I've learned...
that just because someone doesn't love you
the way you want them to doesn't mean they
don't love you with all they have.

I've learned...
that no matter how good a friend is, they're
going to hurt you every once in a while and
you must forgive them for that.

I've learned...
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by
others, Sometimes you have to learn to forgive

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've leaned that I still have a lot to learn.