So I made some promises to myself at the beginning of the year. One of those was that I would not be caught up in depression, remorse, misery, tears and lies in 2010. I promised myself no matter what I would be happy above all. Well, we are 5 days from June and this pity party has continued...until yesterday. Sunday night I woke up and realized that I am the most miserable person alive. The star in my self-victimization (is that a word?) movie is me. My loved ones have told me this in arguments and for some reason this week it's rang so true to me....poor me. I'm not sure if it's the vicodin, the penicillin, the flexerall or the Advil but somewhere in my deep sleep I was pinched wide awake.

I am the reason for ALLL of this. Real or Imagined, I've made this bed. I'll have to lay in it now. I've changed lives. Mostly my own with my "poor me" attitude. I can't make it right, I can't only do my best to mend the wreckage.  Happiness truly comes from within. It is truly vain to demand of others when we aren't happy with ourselves. Faith always restores Happiness. I have Faith in this process. I'll be away for awhile. I need to mend some things and some people.  I can't write at this point in my life. It would be hopeless and continue the train wreck. Fact is, I've already shared too much. I realize this. Last night I shed this miserable carcase of the Old Nesha and today I've started new. I'm doing my best God. Throw me a little rope here. Funny I should say that when the only reason things haven't ended worse than they currently are now is because of God. Last night I listened to Marvin Sapp tell me that "He saw the Best in Me, when everyone else could only see the worst in me". I've listened to it a million times but last night was different. It rings loud and clear. It's always been there. HE has always been there. I just haven't listened, haven't appreciated and been a spoiled bitch. God gave me everything I asked for many years ago down on my knees, pregnant in a dark room alone. When I received it, it came too fast and I had no idea what to do with it. At this point the world doesn't really matter to me. They will think whatever they want. I don't owe anyone anything. I only owe the people that live in this house.  To the others that will judge I say, "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones". I need to surround myself with people who will love me when I'm 80, wrinkled and have a walker. Very few people that I feel matter now will be around months from now anyway, so why do we care what they think.  It's because we don't want to look stupid, eat our words, look like we aren't in control. (All of that is what I've cared about in the past, I don't now). It will be work, but I know it will be so much freeing to not care what others think or say.

When asked what do I want, I realized I keep giving the same answer "complete happiness". It's standing right in front of me and I've refused to reach my hand out for it even though a million times it's reached it's hand out to me. I've slapped it, spit on it, kicked it to the curb. I've decided to make many changes in order to get there and the first is me. People are in charge of their own happiness as well as their own sadness. I intend on being happy under any and all circumstances. I may be disappointed at times but I know it is within my own power to control how I feel.

Best Wishes to all. I will return soon,

Powerful Beyond Measure


How I Feel

There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only true guide you will ever have. And if you cannot hear it, you will all of your life spend your days on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls.--Howard Thurman


Quick Break

I'm on a short break. Lots going on, including have 3 wisdom teeth extracted yesterday. A horrible experience I must say after one doctor had to stand up on the sides of my chair to really put his muscle into it. It was a flashback from a doctor standing up over me and pushing twin B out at birth after he decided he would float around instead of coming out right after his brother. I'm miserable. I'm on 2.5 vicodine right now and still in pain...so iWrite.   I woke up to the boys giggling about Twin A's computer animation video they put together. I've attached for your viewing pleasure. He got an A. Wish they would have cleaned up the room first or even video'd (is that a word?) on a wall other than the one they were wrestling near and kicked a hole in the wall. 

Large tourney this week and next. Summer begins...PS...as of tomorrow. The boys are JUNIORS!


How I Feel

Wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, whatever misfortune you may have suffered, the music of your life has not gone. It's inside you--if you listen to it, you can play it.--Nido Qubein


Communications - Top 10

So I'm often told by the girls that I have entirely too much testostrone. Actually, I've been told that by some men too. I don't think they mean I have an Adam's apple but more of I act too much like a boy in many ways.  I think it's just "Nesh". So I'll embrace it.  Soooo here is the deal. We've been asked in my Communications class to put a Top 10 list together that will need to be presented to the class. 10 things with explanations included. I wanted to present something interesting, hold their attention and that will definetly draw the attention of the 32 women and 4 men in the class while being "informative", which is what the project calls for. I decided to present the ladies...oops, I mean class with a top 10 list of what guys are looking for in a woman. So let's get to it.

"What are guys looking for in a woman?"

If I were a male, here are the Top Ten things I would be looking for in my perfect woman.
10. Independence

No man wants a woman they have to baby-sit. Once in a while, if she's had a rough day at work, it's great to be a shoulder to cry on, but if she can't seem to wipe her butt without you handing her the toilet paper, she will eventually make you feel like you're suffocating, which is a surefire way to get you running out the nearest exit. On the other hand, if she has her very own personality and opinions, can stand on her own two feet, both financially and emotionally, and is able to enjoy time away from you - while still missing you, of course - then she must be a great woman.

9. Intelligence

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the ditzy dumb-blonde chick routine gets real old, real fast. Instead of being the one in total control, you'll find yourself trying to figure out what she's really thinking behind those glazed eyes of hers (or if she's actually thinking at all). An intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. She won't let you get bored of her. Besides, it's nice to have something to talk about between all that toe-curling, spine-busting sex.

8. Sexuality

While we're on the topic of sex, a great woman has to be sexually compatible (freaky-deeky, if you're nasty) with you. For instance, if you're into some freaky, nasty froggy-style agendas and she's more the “hold each other until the sun comes up” type, that's a problem. The two of you have to be on the same page or, at least, she has to be willing to wear a smile with some whipped cream from time to time. Of course, this doesn't imply that she has to know all the precise moves right away; it simply means that you and she have an undeniable attraction toward each other, and are able to communicate your desires verbally (or with physical cues). It is important that you please each other in the bedroom, or on top of the dryer - whatever the case may be.

7. Attractiveness

Let's be honest, this one is kind of obvious, but important nonetheless. A great woman will not only want to look good for you, but also for her. There are days when she has to be cute in a t-shirt and shorts too but if she goes from glamorious girl when you met her to that ugly, messy ponytail on top of her head all the time in your college sweatshirt there will quickly be a problem.  Men have to be proud to have their women on their arm and enjoy the sight of her in any light. And this doesn't mean that she has to be a Halle Berry clone. Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

6. Respect

This is very important. Your partner must respect you. This means that they listen to you, even if they don't necessarily agree with what you're saying. And, of course, they never try to humiliate or demean you in any way, shape or form. A phenomenal person won't ever cause scenes in public or in front of your friends and family, and will always wait to discuss matters with you in private. If they respect you, chances are that they will behave in a tactful and diplomatic manner in most situations, which is definitely a good thing.

5. Non-Controlling

Do not - I repeat – DO NOT get involved with someone who tries to get you to eat goat cheese and fruit for breakfast and insists that you give up the things you love most. You will end up resenting them more than you can imagine. A good partner lets you be you in all your glory, dirty draws and all. They have to realize the differences that men and women have and should allow you to be yourself. If they aren't happy with most of the things about you it will ultimately fail.

4. Non-Complaining

There is nothing worse someone who nags! A great woman knows this and chooses her battles wisely. She knows when to speak up and when to let it slide. You don't want a woman who will give you hell for leaving a couple of dishes in the sink occasionally. However, if you're shacking up and you stay out all night without calling her, and she lets you have it, then you're setting yourself up for disaster. This is a situation that nobody would let slide - not even a great woman.

3. Pleasant

A great woman will not only help your mother in the kitchen, listen to your long stories about nothing and hang out with your friends, but she will enjoy it. She'll make a real effort to get to know and love the most important people in your life. And she won't try to get you to ditch your best friends. She'll actually empathize with your homeboy getting dumped and suggest that the crew take him out to cheer him up. Not only that, but your friends won't roll their eyes and moan when you mention that she'll be joining y'all when she gets off work (yes, women like this do exist).

2. Loving

If you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to be sometimes, you should definitely hang on to her. A woman who doesn't try to change you is hard to find. Of course, all women have their slightly annoying habits (leaving a drop of juice in the fridge) that their mate has to contend with, but if she really loves you, she will be able to cope with these. Another way to know if she really loves you is by observing the way she looks at you and treats you on an on a daily basis. If the sight of you doesn't seem to faze her either way, and she doesn't really seem to care about what you have to say, she's either playing very hard to get, or sees you as just some guy. But if a surprise visit or phone call from you makes her light up, there's no denying that she loves you.

1. She makes you want to be a better man.

Stop making that face… any man who has a great woman will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man. She doesn't have to say or do anything; it just is that way. If you suddenly feel bad about how you treated your baby's mama or find yourself trying to get your finances in order, or even cleaning the hair out of the sink you might want to think about your motivation for doing so. It could be love.

Ladies, remember to have an opinion. Have an interest. Have a sense of humor. Have a brain. Be smart, be witty, but avoid being a [insert expletive]. Challenge us, but not too much. The male ego is a fragile thing.

Nothing Interesting To Say

I want to blog today, but i really don't have anything to talk about in particular so i guess i'll just think aloud for a while. I'll start by saying it's been really cold in Cali and I hate it. Secondly, I have a major toothache. I've been sucking air since Sunday. I broke a molar about a month ago and instead of going to the dentist I ignored it. My terror with the dentist continues. I have an appointment tomorrow but I know it hurts cause it's infected and they are going to tell me I need a root canal. I found some tetracycline in the cabinet from a spider bite one of the kids had. So I took that an hour ago along with a codeine. I'm nervous about the dentist tomorrow and on top of that I can't afford it right now.  The twins will be juniors on Friday. It's finals week. CJ will be in 2nd grade in August. Cayden will begin kinder. Wow. I've got over a dozen projects I need to make progress on. There have been some movements in my life that annoy me but like everyone in this environment i'm  for each day. Road trip soon. I can't wait.  I'm excited about life right now but emotionally, I'm a bit drained. Hoping I don't ruin the road trip fun by sleeping the entire time.  re reading it. I hope you all enjoy it. I digress

I guess that's all i have to say... wasn't too bad What's new with you?


Twin B

I wanted to share a conversation I had this week. It seems so much more enlightning lately to talk to people who don't just listen but are actually processing what you say. It makes me smile each time I think about it.

So I had this discussion about my Twin B. He's so very different from Twin A in so many ways. Not only are they mirror twins (meaning one is left-hand, one is right, one reads well, one does numbers well, one is the spokesperson for the twins and one is a bit shy, one is the social butterfly and the other not so much).  Here is the thing...they both are good at sports but one seems to excel without having much effort most days while the other works a bit harder at sports but is so bright in the class that sometimes it seems too easy.

Problem is this. Twin B is so smart, not just with books but just about life in general that he sometimes seems disturbed by us normal people.  We are mere pions to his oversized brain. Not that he is a genius or anything. He merely thinks that you should be able to explain to him in detail why you think he should be doing it your way, hold an intelligent conversation and realize when you are the joke of the room. He could care less about doing his best on the court when he doesn't feel like it, or rather if you can't coach him to it. He doesn't want to hear your spewing of the magic trick for getting to college being a sports scholarship because in his opinion sports is fun and he'll apply himself when need be but he's going to college anyway.  I love him for being his own man. My problem is that at 16 you simply can't turn your nose up at people you think are not very intelligent. You aren't in the position nor is it nice. 

I've simplified this conversation quite a bit.

So in my discussion about Twin B I was told some things that I will keep in my heart forever about my dear twin.  Simply put, we can't down our kids because they don't fit into our box. If he realizes his limits at this stage in life he is far ahead of many others and of course the biggest thing that got me.  My friend shared that "you must know more than me for me to respect you or be happy about following you". Those are not the exact words so I shouldn't put them in quotes but basically simplified.  I loved the example I was given.

"You want me to play man to man on this dude. You know he's faster than me, I know he's faster than me, he's beat me down the court the last 3 times and instead of switching to a better defense or adjusting who I guard, you want to make me look like an idiot and scream 'run twin' and then get mad when I don't", then throw me on the bench and say, he's just not working hard. 

Wow. Good stuff. Quite simply put. In order to be the very best parent I can be I've learned over the years that all this competition stuff is irrelevant.  It's not about living our dreams through our kid. So they don't make the paper each week. So they don't make 20 points a game or 4 TDs a game. They are having a good time and we need to learn to love them through it all. Our hangups are not theirs. I love that Twin B is his own man. He thinks different than others. He has dreams and goals that don't include every single thing that I want from him. Sometimes it just takes longer to take the mommy goggles off.

Powerful Beyond Measure

I'll Admit It

I Admit it...

...i am secretly one of the most insecure people you will ever meet...on the under.

I constantly question the motives of others on a weekly basis. And if you ask those in that tight predicament they'll reluctantly confirm this.


1. I analyze everything. In short...I think way too much. Nothing is ever simple with me.

2. I am a know-it-all. I love to learn and I enjoy sharing my findings...but most of the time....I'm just showing off, a little. I think that because I fall short in other areas, I love to try to research anything I don't know about. Look at me and all the unnecessary facts I know! (sarcastic laugh...)

3. I'm spoiled. I whine when people don't consider me.

4. I suffer from a martyr complex. When someone disappoints me or does something I don't like, I overemphasize or exaggerate the outcome. Basically, everyone is out to get me.

I will at least admit these things...and the fact that I'm working on them.


Friday Fill In

And...here we go!

1. I just had an Orange Creme Yogurt.

2. Tired that is.

3. The third sentence on the 7th page of the book I'm reading: Buddha was man who was determined to find enlightment.

4. Great Conversation tickles my fancy.

5. I was walking very fast last nigh cause it was freezing.

6. World Star Hip Hop makes me laugh!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a hard work out, tomorrow my plans include watching the boys at the combine and Sunday, I want to have a great cheat meal!
To participate in Friday Fill in, Click Here

Thoughts? (Single Toddlers)

So a couple of weeks ago my dear friend sent me this video and asked my opinion. We had a discussion and basically my view is that they are doing some very technical dance movies to a HUGE pop culture song right now that even, the chicks from Alvin and Chipmunks performed in their latest movie. The outfits, slightly inappopriate because of the red and black, just my opinion but all in all, it's a dance competition. We discussed, I blew it off and never thought about it again....well until I saw it this morning on Good Morning America. It has over 2 million hits. Ouch. Poor parents have major egg on their face now and the site owner refuses to take it down. I'm just wondering at anytime did any of the parents think of what people would say if it got out? Probably not, because we never think about it until after the fact. Well that's not true...some of us crazies do (which may lead to me living in this box - but that's another subject). Anyway...poor kids. I'm still kind of stuck on what great dancers they are. If they had on leotards and ballets shoes they wouldn't have made it past 200 hits.



Problem with this damn Ox/Capricorn syndrome I have is that my mind continues to spin...constantly. I feel at this point as if I haven't slept in days. I'm frustrated as hell right now. For a couple of reasons...I'll share JUST a few:

1. I've been working on this script for a minute yet I'm plaqued with these short stores...see "Nonchalant". It's buggin me just a bit.I can't get the creativity flowing. It even spills over into my conversations in life. I can't get the words out.

2. Life and my current situation is like a freaking movie. I just have so many twists and turns right now that it seems most of my energy is just zapped. Sometimes at 5:00am when that alarm goes off and says get to the gym, I just can't cause I've been laying awake for hours. I'm ready for Part II to start already.

3. I'm completly frustrated with my heart and my emotions right now. She is letting me down.

Still, I find some type of peace in coming here and letting go of what I can. At this point I could give a damn if anyone reads or not. I don't need that. Can you tell by how I don't even seem to fix the grammar and spelling errors right now.

I feel so completely out of control of me right now

A Public Service Announcement

After hearing this word for the millionth time, I decided to study it, work with it a little bit. Figure out why this word has become a Philosophy. A Doctrine even. I've heard preachers use it from pulpits, rappers, Obama, Sarah Palin, Bill O'Reily...the list goes on. It hit our society like a meteor, as if it is the Diagnoses for all of our problems. It is the Root & it becomes the Enemy.

"Don't even worry about Nesha, girl...She ain't nothing but a hater."

So, let's look at the two people involved in this "Hate"' relationship: the hated and the hater. By definition, the hater is uncomfortable with the hated getting so much attention, and purposefully slanders the reputation of the hated, so that people will praise them less. Secondly, the hated is "innocently" shining, and becomes subjected to the hater's wrath. They therefore, dislike the hater. Thus, completing the cycle...

In the beginning of this phenomenon, the hated acted like victims, gaining the pity of those rallying around them. But now, suddenly, the hated are now boasting at the number of haters they had. (I've seen a hundred shirts that say "I love my haters"). It has become a desirable attribute in life. No one wishes to live peaceably with their neighbor, or to cultivate loving relationships, but they would rather increase in the number of people who "hate" on their way of living. The hated quickly say that the opinions of the hater means nothing, but will turn right around and feed their ego with the jealousy of who?...that's right: The Hater.

The root of the two names can be attributed to the two extremes of Self-Esteem. The Hated are often so self-absorbed that they sum the Hater's negativity down to being a "Hater". Many times it is the very first judgement they come to. And instead of seeking restitution with the other person, they would rather stand on their insubstantial conclusion. As stated before, it is often the most saught after rationale. The "Hater", however, usually struggle with a lower level of self-esteem; emphasizing the accomplishments of others and ignoring with makes them unique.

The Remedy for both? In the simplest terms, the Hater needs to love himself and the Hated needs to get over himself....They should both then work on uplifting the other; becoming totally comfortable with allowing him or her to shine as bright as he or she possibly can.

It's a dark world and we need all the light we can get...


Getting in Touch

The problem is that too many times we are taught NOT to express ourselves. To save something, especially in relationships with the opposite sex. I'm trying to re-teach myself to express how I feel. Getting up there in age means no time to hold back what I feel right? If you get in trouble for it, at least it's off of your mind. Therefore what I feel is so important right now. I was thinking that we must get back to teaching people how to treat us. Men and women need to go back and when the hearts of each other. Sometimes after a conversation with the girls, it feels as if women have lost so much faith and trust in men for so many of the following reasons:

-We feel verbally abused and this leaves women withwith self esteem issues.

-Some are putting their hands on their women

-They get greedy, and choose to be in a relationship, and still cheat.

-Some are just on a POWER TRIP, and refuse to listen

-Other's just don't know how to treat a lady.

and so many other reasons. Now I am not saying we aren't guilty, or have never been guilty, but I believe it's about bringing the issue to the table. Making sure that IF we see it, it is no longer covered by a napkin or a cloth. It's about being socially aware.

Women are very sensitive, very emotional. Me for one. They can be a man's best friend if the time is put in. Take the time to listen to what we are trying to tell you. We have the ability to give you strength when you are down, leading to a more healthier environment, but women are sometimes emotionally fragile and men must take the time to be patient with women.

Lets treat each other right.

50 Things (About Me)

1. What time did you get up this morning


2. How do you like your steak?

Medium Rare

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?


4. What is your favorite TV show?

The First 48, Forensic Files, TruLife

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

Cabo San Lucas, Mexico (open for discussion but I love it there)

6. What did you have for breakfast?

A cup of oatmeal and a protein shake

7. What is your favorite cuisine?

Any soulfood and most crustaceans

8. What foods do you dislike?

Not a huge fan of stir fry or Indian food

9. Favorite Place to Eat?

A hole in the wall Soulfood spot is always good.

10. Favorite dressing?

no dressing, thanks anyway

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?

a gaz guzzling suburban but I been eyeing that Charger for sometime now.

12. What are your favorite clothes?

I love tank tops and shorts at home...in public I'm a jeans and t-shirt person.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?

Ghana, Gambia, Brazil, Cuba, Puerto Rico, Morocco, South Africa, Iran, Jamaica, New York

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full

1/2 full

15. Where would you want to retire?

See #5

16. Favorite time of day?

Mid Morning...very peaceful

17. Where were you born?

Travis Air Force Base

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?

Football and Track

19. Coke or Sierra Mist

Neither, Lemonade please

20. Valentines or Thanksgiving

hhhmmm, not sure

21. Hugs or Kisses


22. Bird watcher?


23. Are you a morning person or a night person?


24. Pets?


25. Any new and exciting news that you’d like to share?

I'm seeing progress with my summer goals!

26. What did you want to be when you were little?

Police Officer

27. What is your best childhood memory?

Summers in Louisiana at Grandma's House

28. Are you a cat or dog person?

please stop with the pet questions.

29. Are you happy

at this moment, very much so!

30. Always wear your seat belt?


31. Been in a car accident?

Yes, a bad one but God is amazing

32. Any pet peeves?

uncleanliness, rudeness, inconsiderate people, liars, the selfish, cheap people

33. Favorite pizza topping?


34. Favorite Flower?

Calla lilly

35. Favorite ice cream?


36. Favorite fast food restaurant?

In and Out

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?

1 time

38. From whom did you get your last email?

My daddy

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?


40. Do anything spontaneous lately?

yeap and I'll leave it at that

41. Like your job?


42. Broccoli?

Yes. Love it

43. What was your favorite vacation?

last minute trips

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?

The boys

45. What are you listening to right now?.

Trey Songz

46. What is your favorite color?


47. How many tattoos do you have?

none but I'm very close to getting just one.

48.showers or baths

adore bubble baths

49. Hip Hop or R&B


50. Favorite Website?



RIP Lena Horn

"Don't be afraid to feel as angry or as loving as you can, because when you feel nothing, it's just death."

(June 30, 1917 – May 9, 2010)


I Feel It

Slowly but surely, it's coming
I'm getting my Mojo back
Self Confidence is Building Up Inside Me, I Feel It

in bits and pieces
like pieces of a puzzle.
I can sense it all coming together, I Feel It

One day soon, I will have the answers to my questions, I Feel It



I won't pretend that I'm easy to love. In fact I know that I'm quite the opposite. I guess esoteric would be a better word. Ask any man who's ever loved me in my life, especially my husband. I'm complicated, arrogant at times, selfish sometimes and expect that you show me that you love me. I expect ALOT...that doesn't mean material items. It means emotionally. Are you as invested in this as I am?
I'm a brat. I know this but I won't make excuses for what I expect or what I'm willing to give in return.  I'm all in or all out. I'm a capricorn...this means if you aren't all in...quite simply...bounce fool. 
Thing is, I'll admit it, I'm in love with love. The feeling of someone loving me and me completely, and even when life settles down I still need that feeling now and then of, "damn I picked her...oops no..she PICKED ME". So, I want the little extra put into it....make me feel like you thought about it, and I promise I'll do the same.


"I Hate It When" Wednesdays

Just a little freewriting. I was thinking today about annoying things that others do and starting thinking about some of the stuff I hate that I do and plan to work on changing in the next few weeks, months...this year.

1. I hate that I interrupt people or sometimes start talking when they are talking.
(I notice sometimes when someone is saying something I don't allow the pause before I speak back to them or if they pause I sometimes think they are done and overtalk them. I've promised myself to take that extra second to listen and make sure they are done...I really want to work on this cause I've caught myself doing it more recently)

2. I bite my cuticles in stressful times. It's the most disgusting habit. It think it's worse than nailbiting, expecially for a girl. I start and literally cannot stop sometimes until they are bleeding. If there is even a slight piece of skin left I have to get it. If I'm not biting them I will pick at them while they are sitting in my lap if I'm talking to someone who is stressing me out, or pissing me off, making me nervous. Lately I've found I just do it just because. Funny thing is when life is peaceful it often goes away except when I'm nervous. Right now my cuticles are beyond repair. It's so gross I feel like wearing gloves!

3. I'm a picker. If I love you...have to love you or you have to be immediate family cause I can't do this to strangers. (I have a skin thing and can't touch other peoples skin)...okay I'm off track. So I'm a picker. I will pick any pimple I see on my family members. They are hate it! Sometimes I'll just be talking to them and something on their face will catch my attention. When I get the "look" they immediately go "No mom" and go scurring out the room, but that's okay cause I follow. This goes for pimples, blackheads, ingrown hairs, splinters, etc.

4. I curse to much. I know it. Again, it's gotten worse with age. There was a time when I wouldn't say one curse word. Now, it's become out of control. I am completely insane with it lately. The F bomb is dropping left and right. It's so unattractive for a lady. Soooo unattractive to hear a woman say "F** You" or Effin, or Mother Effin. I'm so embarrassed. Okay, I'm gonna stop. I promise.

5. Texting while talking. I'm an addict with that darn red light indicator. If it comes on in the middle of talking to someone I gotta check it. I'm talking to you. I hear you, I'm responding but I can't look up at full attention until I respond...if I feel like it but I must read it. Gotta stop it!

6. Judging. This is the worst of the worst. I am so terrible. Judge not, lest ye be judge. It's in the bible and yet I continue to find myself judging. Not the normal eewww, I don't like her, she's broke, he's ghetto type stuff. This is more like "She's not cute enough or smart enough for my son", "She up there talking about she got diabetes and just fat and eating cookies everytime I see her", "He got a little sugar in his tank, I can tell by the way he walks", "Purple hair is not cute on her".  Who am I to judge someone. It's just foul and wrong. She might like Purple hair but that's not my business. She paid for it. My son may see something in the little chickenhead that I don't (see there I go again). Whatever it is, I need to knock it off, because I'm sure people have plenty to say about me. (but idonthinkso)  :-)

7. My controlfreakishness. This is OUT OF CONTROL. Have to be in control of everything and everyone is not cute. Complaining after you got mad cause they made you the leader and complained that no one knew what they were doing and now you are made cause you are in control is even worse. Nuff said.

8. My need to have a full plan before making any moves kills me. It holds me back and frustrates me to no end. That's all.

Peace Ya'll gotta go. I have a test tonight.


“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”-- Author Unknown

When I first saw that quote, yesterday, I was instantly drawn to it. I can't think of anyone it fits more right now than myself. Gotta keep it together Nesh


Trying to be a Champion

"You can measure a man by the opposition it takes to discourage him."

I don't know much about Robert C. Savage, but I do love that above quote of his on the subject of Courage.
Ah, Courage! The dictionary defines it as: “the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.”
For the past few months I have been facing such fierce opposition that it threatened to swallow me, my courage, and all my little dreams, whole. I’ve been fighting until my fists have been made red with blood, and my punch-drunk mind clouded by the haze of steady discouragement. I’ve been fighting with my wits and my heart, while battling the bullshit parts of my enemy. And though, I haven't been exactly down for the count, the wind was knocked out of me. Coping has been difficult under such adversarial circumstances... and then there's this other nemesis nagging inside my head that screams how: I'll never be a champion, if I keep losing fights!
I’ve also been listening to the other side of my brain... the part that whispers: maybe a True Champion is one who knows which battles are worth the fight.

There have been times in my life when I tried, really TRIED to win a fight, and overcome by the dueling forces of passion and retribution, I did in fact, win. I was never really a tough girl, a thug, or a bully, but those who mistakenly thought I was a punk were in for a rude awakening.

Yet, there are other kinds of fights we encounter in life; fights we try so hard to win, only to end up failing so miserably. Has that ever happened to you?
True Story: A long time ago, I attended a friend's birthday party. It was held at a local bowling alley. I was nine, and had never bowled before. Frankly, it never interested me. But being a keen observer even then, I watched the others go through the motions of giving out their shoe sizes to the clerk, retrieving those butt-ugly rented shoes, slipping into them, and choosing a ball that suited them. I watched each one stepping up, getting into the stance, drawing back, releasing the ball and sending it rolling furiously down the lane. Granted, not everyone bowled a strike or hit all the pins they were aiming for, but at LEAST they managed knocked some pins down.
Cool. Cool. Coolness. Maybe I was way too young to be nervous. Maybe I was too excited at trying this new thing so it never entered my mind that I might not be any good at it. When it came MY turn, I did everything I'd seen the others do. However, in doing so, I displayed absolutely NO style, no grace, no finesse, NO SKILLZ whatsoever in it!

That's when it HIT me: Wow! I REALLLLLLLLLY SUCK at this!

It's a very profound moment when you realize that you truly suck at something.
No doubt, it made for a hideous display. I imagine myself looking beyond pitiful, ugly, uncoordinated and a hundred other unsightly things as I attempted this procedure. The result was that heavy-ass ball rolled, veered and went straight into the gutter, each time. This happened again and again to my utter mortification: GUTTER BALL!
Though this alone was bad enough… the worst part was that, suddenly, I was being whispered about. I could FEEL it... that creepy sensation of sheer foolishness standing still. The edgy chorus of nine and ten-year-old laughter invaded my ears, my heart and my spirit. I was being laughed at, loudly, in stereophonic surround sound! This hurt in a way that seemed to make me crumble, at least internally. Yes, some mild form of pseudo encouragement came from one sensitive parent... but mostly I was just laughed at. Hard! Obviously, I had no sense of humor about myself, and because of this, I was NOT a big fan of this harsh sound of laughter, nor being the actual object of it... at age nine.
Hell, I was not a fan of being laughed at age 18, 19, or 28 or 29 for that matter!
Long story short:I hate bowling.

Perhaps the razor of youthful trauma slices a lasting memory into the skin of us, and it leaves behind something that feels like a deeply wounding incision. The scar remains. This was, for me, a kind of embarrassment that made me stop fighting to win, to stop trying when progress eluded me, and to lose faith in my abilities at achieving VICTORY.
Who needs the slicing jaws of ridicule wrecking all kinds and varieties of havoc on their psyche? Me? I didn't. So, whenever possible, I made it my business to avoid situations where failure was a distinct possibility.

Instead of COURAGE, I chose coolness. Cool people were, by nature, just too damn cool to be embarrassed.
The bigger realization of Cool Nesh: Because of my avoidance of failure at any cost, I ended up lacking the COURAGE and the HEART of a true champion.
The reality is that The Creator Blesses us all with particular gifts. I was in a search of just what GIFTS I'd been given, and how best to use them. If things didn't come easily for me, or if I lacked the grace and courage needed to perform certain feats, I quickly abandoned them for the things I found I could do well. I wanted to engage myself in only what I could exceed in, and to win at. This was the food and the breakfast of my cool.
While rolling that way saved me from the stigma of being the brunt of jokes, it didn't do jack to build and fortify my character. People with the greatest character possess the courage to fall on their faces. They will bust their asses again and again, and yet THEY get back up and they keep trying. Courage. Eventually, many of them achieve the goals they've set for themselves; they reach some success, or at least, they knock those damn pins down in the bowling alleys of life! Courage.
Anyone who knows me would tell you, I'm a pretty optimistic person. That said, I never truly believed in the old adage that we can do anything we put our minds to... because many things in this world are simply beyond our reach, they exceed our grasp, or they venture beyond our inherit abilities. We can try and try until we're red in the eye, but moving mountains is not a human feat. I've had some mountains in my way. Trust! That doesn't necessarily mean that we're supposed to give up, to stop climbing, to throw up both our hands, or wave a white flag and surrender. It may just mean we have to apply a bit more finesse to our approach. Maybe we must refine our swagger, and use our minds (instead of our brawn or our anger) in a different way.
This is something I've learned in the past few years, and the lesson has come a little late. Failure is a part of every human experience. It is through failure that we learn our most valuable life lessons.

Yes, it's important to know what we can do. It's vital that we are aware of our strengths and what we're capable of achieving... and it's also just as important to know our weaknesses, and to be aware that they'll be some limitations in our output.
Lately, I've been asking myself, why have I been so chronically afraid to step out of that little box? You know, the box of limitations I'd placed myself inside of to guard and protect me from the dreaded terror of failure. More to the point, what was I really GAINING from living in that box? After all, what's the worst thing that can happen when stepping out of that comfort zone? I'll fall down, go BOOM... and bust my ass! Big deal! Big shit. I'd only be in the company of tens of billions. What made me think myself so special that I'd arrogantly go through this existence without experiencing defeats, failures, instances of egg on my face, or of suffering the after-effects of a bruised ego? I'm no different than anyone else.

As a resort of this realization, I've been RECLAIMING my inner champion. I’ve stopped running away from my weaknesses. I’m snatching JOY, and pocketing COURAGE! I've stopped dreading becoming that embarrassed and mortified kid at a bowling lane. I am now embarking on the process of conquering some of my fears. NOT all of them at once, mind you... but some of those core and major fears that crippled me emotionally, or left me feeling limited, stunted, sub-par, ineffectual... and by doing so, I am steadily increasing my potential as a person, a woman, a flawed flesh and bone entity.
What I'm discovering (and this is HUGE!) is that I'm a far more resourceful agent for change than I ever believed I could be. I'm exceedingly more capable than I ever allowed myself credit for, and that alone is mad empowering! What I'm realizing is that my greatest opposition in any crisis is NOT some person in a superior position, not naysayers in suits, not some faceless stranger in the way of my heart’s pursuits, not some insecure hater, and not some hardened criminal. The greatest opposition of all had been no one, but me.
Telling ourselves we CAN'T do something, we shouldn't attempt something, or that we are bound to FAIL, THIS is our greatest enemy. We alone must learn to fight that inner negative voice. The voice that screams NO; the voice that doesn't believe in The Self, THAT mofo is our nemesis!
I used to think that I'd never be a champion at anything. I was wrong. A True Champion knows which battles are worth the fight. Courage.
Yes, I am very much a work in progress. Still, I'm aiming for the day, I can personify that famous quote by Robert C. Savage:
"You can measure a man by the opposition it takes to discourage him."

Any Way The Wind Blows

I was blogging surfing today and I came across this one Any Way the Wind Blows. It is the chronicles of James Bland and his quest to become a filmmaker. He moved to Los Angeles recently from FAMU and his journey is interesting. Not over the top but it's kept my attention. Thought I'd share with YOU....


Honestly Untitled

Writing has become my saving grace. A pen in my hand and suddenly anything I feel inside is rinsed from me. White paper could become anything, could create the silliest little wonders or the biggest mistakes; it doesn’t matter. Confessions on paper will mean more to me than voicing them ever could. The words may not mean much to anyone else, but they are the only thing I like about myself some days, most days, especially these days. Someone once told me that I have to find my own salvation; even if I lose the war, at least I’ll have won that battle.

when I say “I wrote you a letter” it really means, I had so much to say to you that I had to write it down before I lost it. it means that somewhere, there are lines and lines, handwritten or typed, amongst which your name may not even appear. it means you’ve crept around my mind so long that the words started coming out in a voice that sounds just like yours. It really means, you’ll never read the pages I have tucked away, but they’re for you, all the same.


Food For Thought

“Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

(This brings comfort to my heart today.)