Happy Birthday To me

Dear God,

Well, it’s my birthday again. Number 38. I owe you many thanks for keeping me alive on this earth for all these years. I've kept my head held high and taken the good with the bad. You’ve got to admit; you’ve thrown some majorly crummy stuff my way in the past few years and I know I'm suppose to be learning from it. I know, I know…you’re testing me. How about we just admit that I’ve failed so that I can go back to the less challenging Remedial Life class? That way I can keep practicing this life-thing until I get it right.
By the way, I’m extremely grateful for your hand in working things out on so many different fronts. No one rocks like you do, God, when it comes to making the impossible happen. Not even Obama. Instead of birthday presents this year, I hope you’ll agree to a few changes that I’d like to make in order to become an even better person (and a whole lot less neurotic.) Are you ready? You might want to grab a pen and paper to jot these down:

For starters, enough with the stray gray hairs. I mean really. Do you have any idea how depressing it is to pluck those bad boys out every other morning only to see that they’ve reappeared in a different place the next day?
Can I also please grow some bigger quads and delts while I'm still young enough to flaunt them and win a contest or two? No doubt that would be the true definition of Heaven.
I know I’ve been asking for quite a lot here, and I don’t want to be greedy. Is it OK if I ask for a few things for others? For example, can you please give the Banking Industry a conscience? Maybe even a time-out so they can think long and hard about their bad behavior? If you still have those Ten Commandment tablets handy, or can get them back from Moses, the banks could stand to re-learn the parts about not lying, stealing or being greedy. I think they missed them the first time around.

Lastly, can you please give the Republicans in Congress a collective lobotomy? The only thing coming out of their mouths these days is the word NO and it’s making for a difficult life here in the United States. Rather than a plague of locusts, perhaps you can smite them with decency and good sense. If that doesn’t work, please send them all back to kindergarten; they were obviously absent the day that learning how to play nicely with others was discussed.

In closing, I’d like to thank you for surrounding me with such wonderful people for showing your continued agape love and keeping my family healthy. For keeping me around for another year, I’m going to do my best to make it a good one.



The 18th Bday Letter

Dear Son, (I wrote this for both of you - I mean every word to each of you)

Today is your 18th birthday. It’s such a cliché to say that I can hardly believe it and that time has gone by so quickly, but it’s the truth. I feel tremendous ambivalence on this day, and it is not just the poignancy of a parent watching the maturation of a child and the accelerating passage of time and disbelieving that it could happen so quickly. How could you get to be so big, so independent, so capable, so complex, so funny, so far away? How could eighteen years have elapsed since that astonishing, magical moment that our eyes locked and I saw all that you had ever been and all that you were to become. You were disconcertingly serious, unconditionally present and absolutely real, and I have loved you completely ever since.

Like any first child (children), you were the culmination of such vast trepidations and expectations, the repository of such ineffable hope, the focus of so much concern and love. What I’m feeling as I anticipate your transition to adulthood (whatever that might mean!) is beyond my ability to express with words. In thinking about how well or how badly your father and I have prepared you for the world, I find that I am completely unprepared for how much more perilous and awful it feels to send you into the unknown. There are so many more things I want to teach you, to tell you, to show you.

You are still so young and you’re at a wonderful stage of life, with so many wonderful stages of life still to come, but they are not without their costs and perils. I want you to know that no matter what situation life may bring you, I will be there to see you through, if not in person, then in your heart.  There are, and will be more, days that you don’t have the right answers, or any answers at all. You will find cruelty and suffering in your journey through life … but don’t let that close you to new things. Don’t retreat from life, don’t hide or wall yourself off. Be open to new things, new experiences and to new people. If you close your heart to new people, you’ll avoid pain … but you will also lose out on experiencing some incredible people, who will be there during the toughest times of your life and create some of the best times of your life.

Always take responsibility for your actions, good and bad. If you can’t change something, change the way you think about it. You will fail many times but if you allow that to stop you from trying, you will miss out on the amazing feeling of success once you reach new heights with your accomplishments. Failure is a stepping stone to success. You are growing stronger in wisdom with each passing year. Don’t ever use CAN’T as an excuse, ALWAYS TRY. Remember a mistake is not a failure unless you let it keep you down.

You will meet many people who will try to outdo you. Remember, life isn’t a competition. It’s a journey. If you spend that journey always trying to impress others, to outdo others, you’re wasting your journey. Instead, learn to enjoy the journey. Make it a journey of happiness, of constant learning, of continual improvement and above all, of love.

Remember to be kind to others even when you feel they might not deserve it. Let others see the real you from the inside. It’s ok to show your true feeling. Share your amazing spirit with others.

Most of all, love yourself. While others may criticize you, learn not to be so hard on yourself, to think that you’re anything less than the wonderful, sensitive, funny, strong, loyal, multifaceted, intuitive young man that I am so profoundly proud to call my son.

Finally, know that I love you and always will. You are starting out on a weird, scary, daunting, but ultimately incredibly wonderful journey, and I will be there for you when I can.

With all my love


Continued Truth...the ugly

1.We are all self-centered. Even the most selfless person is actually self-centered. We cannot help it, because we’re human. The sooner you realize that it is in your nature to think of only yourself, the less surprised you are when others put themselves before you. Well..actually…the act of you being appalled that others aren’t thinking of you is pretty self-centered, don’t you think?

2.The world will never be a better place. It’s not supposed to be. As long as we are civilized (in the economical sense), then there will always be poor, dying people in this world. Guess what? Your purpose shouldn’t be to make the world a better place, anyway. Make your world a better place. Many of us don’t get that far (see number 1 for explanation). I know people who spend their lives putting humanitarian effort into other countries but fail to impact the people that exist around them everyday. You live where you live for a reason. Ignore your world, and you’re life won’t make much of a difference globally.

3.Guess what will happen when you die? Not to you, but to the rest of us…still living, I mean. We will go on living. Without you. Great things will happen once you’re gone. God still has a purpose for the rest of us, and yours will cease to exist. So, while you’re here, stop acting like your purpose is the only one that matters.

4.There is an ultimate truth. There has to be. If you believe in scientific fact, then you’ve already opened yourself up to the notion that Absolute Truth exists. But, everything else…is simply your perception. Never. Ever. Mix the two.

5.Kindness trumps self-righteous virtue, any day. The moment you start to think you know better than another human being, the moment you become an enemy of God.

6.FOX News is a cesspool for bigoted, conservative bullies. And they do not represent the Christian stance. Since when does standing up for ”Christian” morals make you a Christian? No matter how you slice it, we are not on the same side.

7.Technically, there is no such thing as love at first sight. Maybe love at first hearing…or like at first sight, but there is no way you can love (in the true sense of the word) by simply seeing another person. Any person who believes in it is slightly misguided.

8.Even in the smallest part, we all end up like our parents. Whether you believe in either side of the Nature or Nurture debate, you’ll still get the same result. Get over it…there’s still so much of you left to figure out.

9.Marijuana makes you an idiot. And if it’s legalized then that will kill the 1.7 billion dollar underground marijuana industry that’s keeping urban America afloat. So, if I were a weed man/connoisseur …I’d keep my indignant rants to myself.

10.Nothing, usually, is ever as serious as you’re making it in the moment. There are nations of people around the world, at this very moment, that are surviving hunger, poverty, attempted genocides of their nation, oppression, abuse, societal rape, natural disasters, etc. Surely, you have all that you need to get through this as well. Just take a second. Do your brain a favor, and give it some extra oxygen. Breathe.

11.God’s given us all the choice to invent & reinvent ourselves into whatever we want, but knowing your Creator intimately is like saying hello to yourself for the first time.


I am a dichotomy of sorts. At times my ideals conflict with my actions. One of those being that of timing. I have an awful sense of timing; despite having a strong reverence for the value of time itself. I realize life is too short and many people are dying lately; no words should be left unsaid. Actions are meant to be intentional, meaningful, but sure. We’re only given one life, and a numbered set of chances. Surprisingly, even to myself, I’ve had my brave moments.
I am not, by far, one of those people who go from spontaneous moment to the next. Maybe because I feel peace when something I put work and effort into, actually meets success. Some things are meant to have the accompaniment of planning. Even important, lofty things like dreams cannot become reality without your own two hands’ determined grasp. Regardless, unplanned or thought out, each transition from one season to another is birthed through a single moment. Where you make a decision to move or act. Granted, it’s only 1/18 of a second in light of a lifetime, but these moments are the vehicles of our lives.

The moment where I decided to pick up that pencil and paper and write my first poem.

…Where I filled out that college application.
…Where I committed by body to a healthy lifestyle.
…Where let my guard down to him and opened my heart.
…When I prayed that unforgotten prayer.

I’ve had my brave moments. But I wasn’t alone.

Something was always present; beckoning me on. Calling me higher.

Encouraging me not to live life afraid; hiding from the bad moments.

Which is why I don’t see life as a rollercoaster meant to only be enjoyed and endured until the ride is over. Each turn, rise, and fall is meaningful. The destination is sure to come, but that doesn’t make the journey any less beautiful.
Look up from your grind and notice the handwriting in between each minute on the clock. Pay attention to the hidden pull of Love, and its urgency to call you higher from where you’ve settled.
Timing speaks and it says that there’s more.




I find it inevitable that I am constantly thinking, like a hamster on a wheel...it's frustrating often but I understand what my truths are. Just decided to list a few of late:

  • I seem to be easily annoyed by those who lack motivation
  • Being pushy gets you nowhere with me
  • I'm constantly analyzing everything and everyone...different from judging...simply analyzing.
  • I will admit it, I'm constantly stressed worrying about the unknown future
  • I do not judge loud, obnoxious flashy people, I just have low tolerance for them
  • Once you enter my heart you are there forever
  • I am completely shy and reserved in the beginning but once I'm comfortable all bets are off
  • I'm a bit cautious at first but only because I'm surveying the situation before I react to it.
  • Don't doubt me...it's bad for you
  • I like to do everything myself, this way, there is no worrying about something not being done properly
  • I don't mix well with disorder
  • You'll only know what I want you to know about me, no more, no less. Trust!
  • The slightest thing turns me completely off. Unfortunately that goes from everything (people, clothes, food etc)
  • Sometimes I crave solitary, I don't know why...I just do.
  • I hate being controlled or smothered
  • Insult me after I've been kind to you and I will kill you with silent treatment and ignore your whole existence (I know, yuck huh)

I'm working on myelf once again in 2012.

Thoughts on this quarter...

...and so another quarter down and my journey continues. This one has by far been the most difficult from me with two law classes, my final english course and a philosophy course under my belt.  Funny thing is, I started to drop the philsophy course a week in. I found the text book drab and confusing, the text book boring and the questions often frustrating. I thought I'd be better taking it in the classroom. After talking to my adviser, who didn't respond to my email until another week had passed, I figured, "okay, two weeks in and 100% on both of the homework assignments,  I guess I'll go for it".   I fought it tooth and nail the entire way.  In one forum I even stated "this philosophy crap is simply a way to try and prove God does not exist, it's foolery".  The week of the whole 'Does God Exist" and write proof that he does and proof that he doesn't, truly wanted to make me throw in the towel.  I didn't realize that we were on the downside of the heel and there was light at the end of the tunnel.  Last week, I finally turned on my research paper ' My Philosophy On Life'. I figured the professor would think I'm a quack by most of my absurd ramblings and ideas and my thoughts on life.  Thursday I woke up to an email stating that he found it "eloquent, poetic at times and a joy to read". 
This class has truly opened my mind to things I thought but not shared to most except for my readers here. It made me think beyond "because I said so and that's the way it is". It helped me say "and I believe this because...".  Regardless of how I did on the final I'm pleased with my work and happy that  I took the class.

On other fronts, Legal turned out great and so did Torts. I'm a legal head,  I realize this so I flew through the classes and was excited to take the finals. I await my grade but I've finally reached the knowledge of knowing when I did good on a test and when  I bombed it. I bombed the philosophy final and kicked but in the legal classes. The English Final is tonight. Fortunately/Unfortunately it was a course that know one, including me realized that  I didn't take.  It may save my gpa after a possible bombed philosophy final. I learned a few new things but for the most, I wished  I would have taken this english course at the beginning of my college career and will push for the boys to take it, as it may help greatly in not getting back a sea of red on their early essay...if you haven't figured it was Intensive Grammar.

I'm so happy to not have to open any book except my preferred reading on the Nook for a few weeks.  I look forward to quiet holidays except for the fact that I'm 15 weeks out from the next contest and dieting has begun.  My plain chicken, rice and brocolli have grown old quickly. I'm saving my first day for Christmas. I see myself getting stronger each day and  I had an Epic workout today.

blessings to all see you soon.


Jordan's Cola Commercial

Jordan makes Cayden a mini star for his digital media class. First attempt...pretty good!


On fumes

So it's about 10am and I'm on some crazy fumes I guess. My anxiety has come and gone and I've been up all night. Philosophy, the dreaded class that has tried my nerves, frustrated me to no end, made me damn near through the lap top across the room, kept me up in the morning and now made me stay up all night is nearly done.  11 weeks ago I began the journey of attempting two law classes and a philosophy class in one semester. I feel tired in my body, but that 7 page philosophical synthesis on ME is finally done. Honestly, I could have probably gone back in this blog and pulled out all my thoughts and opinions and created something grand but my professor might have thought that without my ties to Aristotle, Plato, Kant and Einsten it was worthless. At least by his standards. I have done more citing, quoting and paraphrasing in the last 10 hours than in my entire college career. My mind is mush and I could think of nothing more than to write about it before I slept for a few hours.  It is due today at 1:00pm. I submitted it at 3am this morning to the sounds of my family's snores, Trutv, Ledisi and my space heater.
I could have turned it in a week ago, but then, that would be uncharacteristic of Nesha. Instead weekly this class has been a struggle for me and my work has been submitted usually at 12:30pm, a half hour before the deadline. I'm glad it's over. I will say, I know more, but about what? That is a discussion for another day.
At the same time my law classes make me smile. It's coming together. I received an A on my midterm (the only A in the class) and I will take my final next Monday. I'm worried but the material has stuck for the most part.  I don't really like this class much. The majority of the students are paralegals and it frustrates me when the professor, an attorney says "when you all go out into your field as paralegals..."...ummm not. Not bias, it's just not my thing.
Okay...I'm wrapping this up. I'm exhausted and rambling. Twin B is the only one playing a sport right now. I sometimes wonder if Twin A misses basketball at all.  He's training already for next year's football season. Twin B is having a great time but hasn't quite got his basketball legs under him, hence the hands on knees after three trips up the court.  His team won their first tourney this past weekend in Santa Cruz. Nice weekend, but not beach weather. I was so cold the majority of the time and it's nearly impossible to get a cell signal in that hole. Okay, okay enough...until later. Above is an updated picture of me. Season training (diet wise) begins this week. My current weight is 146...yeah you like huh. This is so not cute. I don't have clothes for a 146 lb body, I looked like a stuft potato in most things.  I've put on the weight and the muscle and now it's time to trim it down a bit and get ready for March. Enjoy the full face. It will be leaving soon.


Not much to say...Football done

Twins and Ya Ya and Pa pa

High school football is over. I've had a blast. These boys have made me love this game. I mean realistically, I've always liked football. I had a football boyfriend or two and enjoyed watching them on the field but nothing could prepare me for the love I would have for this game once my boys suited up in the pads.  The thought that my son would take a role in which every game the defender would be set on crashing him and ripping the ball from his hands as he fought for yardage has made me sick, thrilled, insane, excited and many other indescribable emotions. 

Last Friday we lost to a team that was not better than us but, definitely more prepared for the emotions.  We showed up to a dog fight in our ballet shoes. (I posted the whole story, then decided against it and erased it). The boys played their hearts out and left nothing on the field. I'm proud and I continue to fall in love with the men they are becoming more each day.

College awaits, back to the bottom of the totem pole on the football field as Twin A continues to ponder his next move. Twin B moves on to basketball and his senior season on the hardwood. 

On a side note...CJ and Daddy's team won the championship! CJ enters the Ward realm of building a tradition of champions!


Been Slacking

So I realize I've been slacking on my updates and life in general. It seems its all just one big day lately. I feel extremely exhausted and there can't possible be enough hours for everything. I'm sitting down to get a good update in but no telling when I'll be able to do it again...lol

This senior year seems to be flying by. I'm saddened that in a little over a month I will be a mother of 18 year old twins. Wow is the only word to describe this. The football season has flown by and last Friday was the first playoff game for the their team. We were ranked #5 and played the #12 seed. This division is so deep though, that could have been ugly. Twin A finished with 3 touch downs and was sat down early in the 3rd to save him for what promises to be a physical game against the #4 spot next week. Twin B also continues his starting role at DB and was on an island by himself daring them to through it for most of the night. Finally score was 47-21 but we went into halftime leading 34-0. All scores thereafter were scored on our second string and a host of sophomores brought up after their season for playoffs.

The first quarter ended well with Twin B pulling out his usual good grades. I'll take his 3.6 any day to the 2.5 I solidly had in high school.  Considering he only has 4 classes it should be a bit higher though. Unfortunately, Twin A has a full load complete with two sciences, a math, english, religion, spanish 2 and government. No room for error in his quest to clear the NCAA clearinghouse.  He does well for his stringent academic regimine but I feel bad for him on somedays.  He pulled out the first quarter just under a 3.0, we'll see how he does with finals this semester.

They have finally decided which schools they will apply to and I'm happy to say only two California schools are in the hunt. The other schools include 2 others still on the west coast and a southern school. Yes, all the same schools. Twin A just finally said it "I don't want to go out of state unless my brother comes". aawww, my heart melted  just a bit, but it took him forever to say it.

Finally, senior night wiped me out. I was an emotional wreck for the majority of the day and cried anytime someone asked me how I felt. As the boys ran toward me with their flowers, I could barely see through my tears but wanted to have "no ugly face" pictures so I straightened up. I can't imagine my life without these boys. The love I have for them feels my heart each and everyday.

Lots of talks with them this year and they are sharing some great stuff.  I love that they talk to me and share their thoughts on their life, God and the future.  I will say, I hate their whole "twitter-swag", but they have to have an outlet so I'll let it be..for now.

Back to my hole and making my nitch in this world, taking care of my family, Jr. Rams, basketball, football, law school (which has become overwhelming lately), and everything that is Nesha.


I've Learned...

Thinking about my, i've learned yet, if it's changed...if it's the same. Contemplating this morning the many things I've learned:
-pain is weakness leaving your body...this ables to many kinds of pain

-God first, then family...period.

-a person will only do what you allow

-men are much slower at learning life lessons and applying them

-sometimes there are only temporary fixes.

-I posses something much deeper than appears to the naked eye, I finally know that

-love is a powerful thing. That's all

-you cannot change a person but you can be a person’s motivation to change

-set you boundaries early in a relationship and stick to them no matter what. If you don't, you'll regret it

-if you feel like someone is talking to you, most of the time they are

-children are such beautiful blessings

-GOD truly is LOVE

-it’s ok to cry

-relationships are about compromise, not sacrifice
-love does sometimes hurt

-credit is everything

-education is key

-people are always watching you, even when it doesn’t seem like it

-actions speak louder than words

-being independent is good but God created us to be Inter-dependent; NOT dependent, NOT CO-dependent (Joel Olsteen)

-some people just won’t ever get it

-intimacy = in to me see

-I have a deep affect on most people I encounter

-I can’t just give a little. It’s all or nothing

Song in My Head



50 Questions


my mom came up with my name and my dad is the only one who calls me my full name.


yesterday...had a mini breakdown, but I'm okay now


no its horrible






of course and I would love me too


I should use it a bit less,.






raisin bran


Not normally

Physically, yes,.. Emotionally, not so much




Their posture, their hair, smile(teeth), and humour(if any)




I let people walk all over me (sometimes)


Gran...but my mom right now

18. WHAT IS THE PAUL MCKENNA TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST? hmm.. just following 4 golden rules in general


hate shoes


Chiptole burrito bowl


Judge Judy




Vanilla and Donna Karan


My Mom




Track, football, basketball

27. HAIR COLOR? #2 (inside joke)



yes, sometimes


too many too name but currently I'm loving off season bananas


happy endings




Pink...but i still hate the color




Hugs, if they smell good


Anything with chocolate in it,..


body building baby!




Audacity ...again, The Dream Weaver...a boys journey


mouse pads are so last decade


giggling little boys and the SMACK OF THE PADS ON FRIDAY NIGHT! - In winter I love the Whoosh of the 3


Hmm both are good,. stones




yes, and thats all i have to say about that


In a hospital??..


in a big house that makes too many noises in the day time



which car?




Things I just don't understand...

• how and why Dr. Conrad Murray is on trial for the death of Michael Jackson, when MJ clearly embraced his spiral towards death

• Men. I thought I did, but I don't.

• Anyone who refers to themselves as a "Relationship Expert", and actually believes it

• Fact that talk show personality Wendy Williams has a live, breathing audience

• Black Entertainment Television airs the same movies, over and over and over again

• People who decline to order anything, yet, soon as your food arrives, they dig their hungry eyes into plate and point, "Let me see what that tastes like."

• why I don't have the patience to allow my phone to fully charge

• Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo. Still. Not sure if he even has himself figured

• why America creates its heroes, builds them up, only to rip every fiber of their being completely apart

• why people place expectations upon others, nevermind how unfair or unrealistic. Then, become unnerved when THEIR expectations aren't met

Ugly Truths...get over it

1.We are all self-centered. Even the most selfless person is actually self-centered. We cannot help it, because we’re human. The sooner you realize that it is in your nature to think of only yourself, the less surprised you are when others put themselves before you. Well..actually…the act of you being appalled that others aren’t thinking of you is pretty self-centered, don’t you think?

2.The world will never be a better place. It’s not supposed to be. As long as we are civilized (in the economical sense), then there will always be poor, dying people in this world. Guess what? Your purpose shouldn’t be to make the world a better place, anyway. Make your world a better place. Many of us don’t get that far (see number 1 for explanation). I know people who spend their lives putting humanitarian effort into other countries but fail to impact the people that exist around them everyday. You live where you live for a reason. Ignoring your world, and you’re life won’t make much of a difference globally.

3.Guess what will happen when you die? Not to you, but to the rest of us…still living, I mean. We will go on living. Without you. Great things will happen once you’re gone. God still has a purpose for the rest of us, and yours will cease to exist. So, while you’re here, stop acting like your purpose is the only one that matters.

4.There is an ultimate truth. There has to be. If you believe in scientific fact, then you’ve already opened yourself up to the notion that Absolute Truth exists. But, everything else…is simply your perception. Never. Ever. Mix the two.

5.Kindness trumps self-righteous virtue, any day. The moment you start to think you know better than another human being, the moment you become an enemy of God.

6.FOX News is a cesspool for bigoted, conservative bullies. And they do not represent the Christian stance. Since when does standing up for ”Christian” morals make you a Christian? No matter how you slice it, we are not on the same side.

7.Technically, there is no such thing as love at first sight. Maybe love at first hearing…or like at first sight, but there is no way you can love (in the true sense of the word) by simply seeing another person. Any person who believes in it is slightly misguided.

8.Even in the smallest part, we all end up like our parents. Whether you believe in either side of the Nature or Nurture debate, you’ll still get the same result. Get over it…there’s still so much of you left to figure out.

9.The only thing that cures love's brokenheart is love.
10.Nothing, usually, is ever as serious as you’re making it in the moment. There are nations of people around the world, at this very moment, that are surviving hunger, poverty, attempted genocides of their nation, oppression, abuse, societal rape, natural disasters, etc. Surely, you have all that you need to get through this as well. Just take a second. Do your brain a favor, and give it some extra oxygen. Breathe.

11.God’s given us all the choice to invent & reinvent ourselves into whatever we want, but knowing your Creator intimately is like saying hello to yourself for the first time.


Whale vs. Mermaids...really?

I received this in my inbox this morning. I don’t know who to give credit to, but I wanted to share.
Mermaid or a Whale
Recently, in large city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym .. It said:

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans).. They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don’t exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don’t have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a piece of chocolate with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good gosh, look how smart I am…¨

I probably could go on and on about this is another reason to enable people to be unhealthy, the obesity rate, society always talking about loosing weight but making excuses for why they are fat etc.
I won't go there. Instead I will say this. I'd prefer to not be a whale or a mermaid.  Instead, I'm currently a cheetah, trying desperately to get to lioness status.

The lion is said to be majestic but elegant and graceful best describes the cheetah. The cheetah is smaller than othercats, but by far the fastest. The cheetah is built for speed. It has long, slim, muscular legs, a small, rounded head set on a long neck, a flexible spine, a deep chest. Cheetah mothers spend a long time teaching their young how to hunt. Unlike most other cats, the cheetah usually hunts during daylight, preferring early morning or early evening, but is also active on moonlit nights. Cheetahs are never run in packs. They prefer to be leaders than followers.

Me in a nutshell. Still the thought being a lioness with all those muscles is still interesting :)


I believe

There is nothing more powerful in one's mind than the feeling of how inspires your body to continue on when you feel as if you are making progress. I'm beginning to see dreams and goals happen in my life. I'm so honored to be blessed and loved by my God and he knows when I need to feel as if I am moving forward.  I can push another day because the light at the end of the tunnel is beginning to shine.

Funny thing about that is, it's simply faith alone. Nothing is going right at this moment. My car seems to be on empty constantly, medically I have a few issues, my computer crashed, my phone crashed, the kids are great but they are still kids and above all that everything still is glowing to me.

I wish we had more sleep, more time, more life right now. The routine becomes old still. there is light.


That Kid

so I'm bragging just a slight bit. I feel good today. My Bam Bam is having a great year so far. Each morning as I crawl in that closet and ask God to protect my children each day, to keep them blessed, healthy and injury free I wonder if he also knows that in the back of my mind, I wish for a little more.  The little more is "Lord, it would be nice if somebody out there took notice"...well I'm pleased with the notice he has received thus far.

Today, Maxpreps rankings came out and check this out. My baby is currently number 15 in the country...whoop whoop...and whoa! Check this one out. Hes number to in the state. I'm elated! Just a small boast on my kid.


Free Write

So we have this thing in school called Free Write. You remember it. It's wierd you don't edit, you don't think you just write. Got some things in my head. Need to free write today.  Some of it are facebook status's I would never say because I don't want people to think I'm crazy, conceited or just have too much time on my hands the way I believe about some of my facebook "friends". Here goes:

Senior year has been a little harder than I thought. I'm watching the boys grow before my eyes.  No one has asked me to help them with homework the whole year. I've gone into their room several times and said, "need help". The response...nope, I got it. (big sigh). "okay, well holler if you need me". Not even a glance of the shoulder. Might as well say "aight mom, bounce and shut my door when you leave". 

Jalen continues his quest as the feature back. My voice is gone again.  I've screamed like crazy the last two weeks and gotten light headed two weeks in a row from holding my breath and enormous, corn-fed, steroid "looking" defense boys attempted to take his head off. I find myself on pins and needles as he breaks tackles and runs the field. I can't breath while he's under the pile until I see his little mighty mouse body pop up.

At the same time, I determined to see my baby boy, twin B get his props and I nearly passed out last week each time a pass comes his way. It's week 2, an interception, Rivas style would be nice.  My issues with him are slightly different though.  He's a good kid but I see his inner struggle continues.  He's enjoying his body lately.  I've had to tell him a couple times, you ain't my man, go put some shorts on. Don't be running around the house in your drawers like you pay some bills here dude.  He's texting someone new. I haven't figured out who yet though. He's been particularly quiet about who it is. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping it's no one from the past. I haven't met a girl who liked Jordan who I like yet (what, I'm just being honest).

Finally, I feel like if I could split myself in 3 there may be enough to do all the things I need to get done. One morning sleeping in would feel great but on mornings I think I can I remember something I have forgotten to do.  School, Training, Work, Jr Rams, Wardsports, House, Bills, Errands, Projects, The Bigs, The Littles. It don't stop.

On another note, no rebound...I'm still there. Gotta grow some muscle, but I'm still the hottest soccer mom...lol (my kids don't play soccer and I don't drive a mini-van).


Thinking Time>>>

Every so often, I fall introspective. I’m sure anyone who knows me would assume that it happens it doesn't happen too ofte but more than  let on. I find myself so completely wrapped up in the happenings of the day, the events to come, the people to meet and meet up with, the conversations to be had and a mysterious sudden rush to go even harder that I, without fail, neglect to be mindful of what I'm getting out of it all. It’s rare, during those times, that I do any substantial amount of contemplative thinking – just reactive. Last thing I think to do is deal, would rather do.
I’m so completely inspired and intrigued by the fitness industry. Right now I've been consumed by it. The way the body changes, the diets, the mechanics, the finished product.  While these things/concepts are physical & superficial stimulants, it’s actually human service, a commitment to decolonization, people, learning, truth-seeking that’s intrinsically threaded into my very identity. I believe you have to be a be vain to be a part of this.
I almost always find myself, at the tail end of such a stint, when all is quieted, not holding fast to what it is I ought to be working on. I’m talking about the stuff that contributes to bettering myself as a person, uplifting my spirit, securing my future, and most importantly, strengthening my faith.

It almost always lies in that which I pursue in solitude.

1. Begin reading my Bible daily instead of a few times a week, again.
2. Continue my morning talks with the Lord
3. Read (for my own purposes) at least one hour a day.

4. Write (for my own purposes) at least one hour a day.

5. Limit television.

6. Judge less, affirm more.

7. Develop and maintain an constist relationship with my extended family.

8. Work towards more positive thinking daily.

9. Dont sweat the small stuff.

10. Better control the content of my conversations.

Moving on, there are some matters that have been weighing on my mind. Questions to which answers are, I'm sure, controversial. Assertions that may even seem absurd to some but in an effort to not censor my right mind, I'm putting pen to paper to authenticate.


Lord knows I need something to write about. So I have here, the 30 Days of Truth List....a sort of blog challenge.

I picked from the list and decided on one of the topics. - NAME SOMETHING YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF

I think I hate my reluctance to verbally assert myself in situations in which it would be appropriate or that require it most. I have really strong views on most things, and the things I don’t have views on, it’s often because I’m indifferent and that’s fine. I don’t have a need to have an opinion about everything. But often times, I’m in situations where the people in my presence will say some absurd, insensitive, self-indulgent, erroneous stuff and depending upon my “readiness,” I may very well not say anything…maybe give a look. My thoughts are often a different story, though. I’ve simply never been boisterous. And while I realize there’s a definitive difference between boisterous and outright passive, I do worry that a retort (esp. in the manner that I tend to give it) would certainly take me there and have me outside of my character. I don’t worry that it’s not in me to speak up, as I’ve been entirely too much for some people in my recent history. It’s not an all the time thing, nevertheless, it can come off as if I don’t have an opinion and not that I generally care about what the individuals in particular think of me, it’s just good practice to speak up in an effort to not let this characterize my nature in people's understanding of me.



The summer continues and life is going...spinning, faster and faster. My Vegas trip last week was nice but EXPENSIVE! Twin B's team lost the first game but went on to win 4 games and lost in the semis of bracket play.  In between games I proceeded to put a hurting on my wallet at the roulette table. 24 REFUSED to hit.  I hate to play the lines to just say in the game but my hard head lead to quick games and a whole in my pocket. I literally game back from Vegas with $10 bucks in my wallet. Shoulda stayed in the gym. 

Jordan was home the next day but 2pm and left at 5 am headed to Anaheim for the Best of the Best - Double Pump tourney. Since he barely noticed I was in Vegas except during games, I let him go to Anaheim this week by himself.  They are currently 2-0. I can't believe my baby checked in to a hotel by himself, took a tour of UCLA and could careless about his momma. This year is gonna be hard for me. Twin A is also out of town having a small vacation before the season begins too. The house is quiet but at least there is food in the cabinets.

Youth football has begun as well. Everyday is a scramble to get it together. I love the kids, like the parents and the vibe at the field is good. Praying to God that is stays that way.

Finally, training continues on my continued journey to become a National Figure Competitor. Lots of things going on. Diet for muscle building is interesting. I hope the pancakes continue.  Training is intense. Feeling more tired lately, but my health seems good. My back is still bothering me a bit but only when I'm standing. As long as I'm moving, training, doing cardio or wearing heels it's fine. It's truly RETARDED and IRRITATING! I'm still in love and excited about everything happening with my body. Most days I look in the mirror and I'm still amazed. Can't wait to see the rest.

Anyway, life is good. Happy and blessed.


Back in Effect

Wow! Can't believe it's been so long and I've ignored my page this long. I guess the best way to catch up is to simply just tell everyone what has been going on.

So many things. I have literally been a crazy woman on a mission EVERYDAY! My contest is over and it was exciting, exhilarating, amazing, disappointing, thrilling, and so many other words that I will stop for now.

The buildup was crazy and the last few weeks, were driving me nuts. The water intake and water deprivation, the menu changes, the work outs, the analyzing of my suit, my shoes, my body, my hair and my mental was ridiculous. I was struggling with my quads and my biceps and wether they would come in more defined at the last minute, if my abs would pop (they did, kind of) and was I eating the right things.

I knew I was coming in small; I had no idea how small for choosing Masters (35+). The last minute water deprivation washed me out. I’ll know next time. I probably could have even had some pancakes and syrup that morning 

Competition day was DEEP! I didn’t sleep much for two reasons, I was excited and I didn’t want to mess up my hair…oh and I forgot to mention the most important thing . A week before competition I tweaked my back doing some dead lifts. I really haven’t been quite the same since. I’ve been to the chiropractor, the acupuncturist, the masseuse, had cold packs, heat backs, stretching, left side, right side, back side and front side. Major pain! 3 weeks later I’m still in pain. A shooting pain that runs down my back to the front of my leg. Each day it’s less pain, but still pain nevertheless.

I lift different now because it hurt so bad the day it happened that I can’t get it out of my mind and I feel myself being a bit timid.

I didn’t do well in the competition. Its’ hard for me. I’ve never had to struggle for anything my entire life. I’ve just been GOOD. Good at basketball, good at high jump, good at tiddley winks, chess, spades, whatever it is…I can beat you. Figure competing is different. The mini competitions I’ve down before this have nothing on actually figure competition and it blew me away. For a minute, about the last week or so it’s messed up my self confidence. Now, days later, my confidence has come back with a vengeance. The fuel for my fire is to compete again and take nothing less than the top spot. Initially I planned on November for the Sac competition. Instead I sat down with my trainer and decided on March. That gives me seven months to put on 10-12 lbs of solid muscle. I’m so excited I really haven’t been able to think straight. I’m really happy I took the summer of school off.

The other things that have taken place were, we moved, my babies are now seniors, and I have about 3 semesters of school left to go. Football season for the youth program has begun and kicks off this week. Jordan will be traveling to Vegas and LA this week for basketball and Jalen received Top 100 and an invite to Oklahoma for a work out, along with a few more letters of interest. Life is busy, but life is good.



what's on my mind right now.

-Life as we see it, doesn't happen like we like, nor how we planned. Our plans will be in place and LIFE will throw some curve ball at you that will leave you rescheduling, redesigning, rethinking. That's something i've come to learn and deal with.

-I am concentrating my energy now on my family right now and my crafts and everything else secondly.

-What is my purpose here? Do you know your purpose? I think it is one of the hardest questions i have ever been asked. And i would say no at first...because i know what i want, but is that the same as my purpose. I see purpose as contributing in many ways not only to yourself but to the whole of society...so i must ponder on this a while longer.

-Everyone wants to be a writer. Everyone thinks he/she is a writer waiting to published. But truly we must know everyone is not meant to be a writer. Not everyone is gifted with the talent, creativeness to express and convey a new reality. Who are we kidding? Really? I've worked decades on refining my craft and i'm still not satisfied...so i say to all new writers out there. Yes, you may have a gift, a voice, a desire to be known...but if your story don't reside with the masses you are only telling your story to yourself. Refine, practice, redefine, study...not one pianist, dancer, musician, choreographer, artist...relied on just what they believed or what their family believed...it was more. Define who you are, your individuality, your gift...then refine that gift...make it yours. The world is waiting.

-I'm not sure where i'm going from here...i know i have many projects i'm working on and i'm glad everyone is happy with what i've been able to accomplish but some of my projects have suffered, not so much because of my muse, but because i have shifted my priorities and my lack of imagination has led me to lead. I'm not mad at that...in fact in many ways it has helped me to see clearly. but still frustation.

Lately I've been CRAVING an ice cream sundae! For about the last two days! Killin me. I even had a dream about an ice cream sundae sitting on my stomach and I was licking the whip cream. I have issues. I know. The training is killing me. HUNGRY ALL THE TIME.


MIA Sorry...

So much going on right now. Truly too much to explain.  I'm two weeks out from contest date. My body is changing rapidly. Craziness. I'm so caught up in it all it is consuming me. The semester ended. I finished just short all A's. That darn Advanced English kicked my booty!

Boys are SUPER BUSY! Not extremely busy! SUPER BUSY...NOTHING ELSE DESCRIBES the amount of dentist, doctors, camps, clinics, games, football and basketball, swimming, parties, everything goiung on at this moment in time. I'm enjoying it. Cayden will be 6 on Thursday...my baby is grown. All the babies are growing up.

My mind - as clear as it can be for now I guess.  Remants of things sometimes floating through my head but I'm too busy to concentrate for too long. I went to the women's retreat this weekend. My soul has been blessed.  She whispered to me and said, the only thing you haven't let go of is the fear.  Pastor Harper said toss out the Purpose Driven Life, you won't find the purpose for your life in there. I agree. I smile because she said I'm using my gifts, I frown because she said I'm afraid...of what? Life. True.

I haven't written in weeks, more lately...people are hungry, mom must cook.

Song In My Head - Wrap Me in Your Arms

Nothing else to say. Thank you Lord!


Just Me

I watched a poetry event last week on tv. And while the actual poetry reads were lackadaisical, the experience thereafter was satisfying. Best thing I've watched in a while. As with all human interaction, you're often forced to confront some things about yourself. For me, it was my less than positive thinking sometimes. Nevertheless, for this one, having little correlation to the event and due to a lack of anything else more inspiring to write about, I’ll discuss my favorites. Some clearly apparent. Some possibly only assumed? Not sure. But, here goes:


Green, easily, with black running a close race.

Current Quote:

“The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference," when remembering that disdain doesn't equate to a definitive disinterest in a person. Also, the understanding that a general feeling of indifference is wholly, the absence of love - for the moments when I find myself giving the cold shoulder to individuals I genuinely love.
Lauryn Hill

*My favorite quote changes weekly!


My mom, hands down.

Pair of shoes:

My Black and White Suede Pumas! Hands down, I could sleep in them. I'll buy another pair soon


 Bell Hooks. Attempting to make my way through all of her books. Current read: Yearning: Race, Gender and Cultural Politics.

Fashion trend:

Jeggings, if you knew men then you know how boney I am right new in the season and these are the only thing that still make me look like "damn, she bangin". Everything else is a potato sack.


Marsha Ambrosia - Hands down right now, she is reading my mind.


Tupac is my all time favorite but right now Wiz Khalifah and Lupe Fiasco is on heavy rotation.


Ego Trippin’ – Nikki Giovanni


Jada Pinkett - Smith - Simply Untouchable


Current Seven Pounds. I love this movie. Like LOVE!

Old Skool - The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh, Imititation of Life, Lady Sings the Blues, Mahogany


Lose Myself - Marsha Ambrosia

Conversation topic:

love, relationships, books, kids (sorry), the future

Thing(s) to do on a Saturday morning:

Work Out

Places to shop:

H&M and Macy’s.


All Food

Television show:

The First 48

Quality in myself:

In my 37 years of age, I’ve garnered an ability to quickly determine the limits of a connection with most individuals. I've managed to waste less time….and heartache.


My Blackberry. I feel super typical saying this, but it's true that I can better compose on my Blackberry than on my laptop.

Daily revelation:

I'm stronger than I realize.

So I truly love those who love me

Sometimes it’s necessary to simply allow people to move through your life. Getting in the way of whatever their purpose was/is is akin to getting in the way of yourself. Regardless of the duration of their stay, there's always a lesson to be learned from their arrival. Grasp the lesson.


Sometimes outwardly, but usually subconsciously, I’ve found myself attempting to control or ruminating over the roles individuals play in my life – determining their relevance and at times feeling spiteful. Neither activity is progressive and neither have sharpened my understanding/clarified a decision on how to handle him/her. Both have saddled my mind and spirit with the kind of heavy, unnerving load that misfortune will often heap upon you.

But so far, so good.

Epiphanies happen most often when I choose to loosen my grip on what’s to be expected of life. More recently, I’d begun to question my value in the hearts of those I’ve allowed into my circle. I question it, exhibit reactionary behavior as a result of it (whether it be direct, evasive, passive-aggressive), and then settle in to question why any of “what they feel about me” matters. On several occasions, to my embarrassment, I find that their interest or regard had never shifted to begin with. Easily making real the fear of a sort of unrequited respect, unrequited love.

 Long ago, I came back in contact with girl I’d had one of the most tumultuous connections with.  It’s been six years since speaking with her and before allowing a conversation to ensue, I had to calm what deep-seated concerns I had. She could easily be considered one of those friends who shook my faith in friendships. Nevertheless, I allowed the line of conversation to take place with subtle trepidation and to my surprise, she seemed to have changed her disruptive ways. Her one frustration was that I cut off contact with her without explanation. A frustration she’d have to get over, and by the close of the conversation, she did. Since, I’ve allowed the friendship to do whatever it’s suppose to do – maintaining boundaries, but thinking very little of it’s direction and development. With my worrying mind, it’s best.

In short, and with regard to the title of this one, it’s become much more easy to love those who love me, care for those who care for me and focus on those individuals. Not in a selfish way or to a neurotic degree, but allowing those friends & family who want to feed you, feed you. And in the interim, when they have been called to tend to the needs of other significant parties/forces in their lives, make productive my time alone (as I do so well). Should the connection dissipate, very simply, our time together was up.

Two tears in a bucket...lol


If they wouldn't judge me

Couple things I'd (probably) do if I knew noone would judge...

-cut all my hair off and were an Amber Rose

-wear the same black, True Religion skinny jeans everyday for a month. And every other day after that.

-wear house shoes everywhere I went and no shoes to walk to the mailbox

-bear my soul to an extent that even I wouldn't be comfortable with (at least not at first), verbally and in composition, on this blog.

-sit with the most important individuals in my life and tell them how I feel

-write each one of those individuals a letter to express everything I'm sure to fail to verbalize.

-disengage in most everyone else.

-be honest with employers when realizing mid-interview, I don't want the job.

-be less inhibited in discussing love, relationships and sex

-I'd give more hugs

-travel more often, maybe even sometimes, alone.

-go "public" with this blog

-be more upfront about the "story behind the story"

-just do it

Likes / Dislikes


Marsha’s entire “Late Nights and Early Mornings” album but this song in particular

A friend who doesn't feel I'm not a friend just because I don't call or email everyday

Clean emails (see dislikes)

The changes I see each morning, new and improved

Expanding my vocabulary

Learning a lesson in the saying “if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans”

The beautifulness that is Lauryn Hill and Erykah Badu

The advice “don’t be concerned with how you come across, just write”


Emails with tons of forwards and forwards and forwards attached
The disrespect that many in our nation continue to give our president

The abrupt ending of friendships/connections

The reality that sometimes first impressions are wrong

What’s considered newsworthy (- Black Women are Less Attractive?)

Suddenly hiccupping while taking a big gulp of water and my morning pills

Drinking fish oil each meal

At times, being the only one to see the duplicity in an individual’s nature


Do you sound racist?

I had one of those "hypersensitive" days, when I have to question, "was that racism" or am I reading into things.  Normally, my answer to people questioning that they heard my little town was slightly racist I say "I wouldn't know, I don't give people the time long enough to be racist to me". That being said, it's simply not true and sometimes you have to entertain conversations. Like today:

"Wow, great shoulders, do you work out?"
"Nope, never been to a gym in my life" (as I stand there in underarmour leggings and a tank top that says 'Fit Factory' across my chest)
"There aren't any black women in my gym it's not often you see that"
I stared, smirked and walked away with one eyebrown cocked
Sat down in my car and shook my head.

There’s more to acting racist than just calling people nigger. it’s usually that little thing called dismissing the feelings and input of a specific group or people. or better yet, not seeing an individual but seeing a [insert race] person. (fine example: laura ingraham’s simple ass writing in her trash book “the obama diaries” that michelle obama would eat ribs all day. the same michelle obama who makes a point to work out on a regular basis and sponsors a healthy eating initiative. she didn’t see michelle obama. she saw a black person. and you know how those negros love their pork!) and while you may not BE a racist (at least in your own eyes)…some of ya’ll do and say some racist mess. and after a while the little slights start to add up. so excuse the hell out of some of us for being “hypersensitive”

Sometimes it's actually kind of comical. Today, I"m a little bitter. I'll be fine tomorrow.

Song In My Head - Lose Myself

Thinking about this song lately. It's actually a love song to me abnout myself. The answer is near.


Thinking Out Loud

I met, befriended, dated, became involved, enjoyed and screwed up badly with more than enough men in my lifetime to understand some divine lessons as it arrives at the opposite sex. In fact, I believe it's safe to say that God knew exactly what He was doing when created Adam first.

Lord knows He did.

He knew exactly what he was doing when he put me in a house full of testerone and said "deal with it" too.

During my life here on Earth I have experienced some very powerful emotions - birth of a child, death of a loved one, love, unconditional love, passion and lust, empathy, thrill of victory, agony of defeat, betrayal, forgiveness. And for all of the skipping of heartbeats which each sentiment provoked, there is absolutely none which compared to how a man made me feel.

At times I lay in bed at night with my eyes closed and stir such emotion. And I recall precise moments when the spirit of a men settled perfectly within the chambers of my heart. I remember virtually everything about each men who has touched my heart including the good, the bad, the ugly, my daddy, my uncles and even mny grandfather too. I've taken something from each one in a moment and determined whether they'd be around for the long haul, an aquaintance or if they would left without my help if they were dying on a street corner.

The purest form of woman is a man, if you ask me.

During these thinking moments I have become overwhelmed by immense passion and deep regret, as far as past and sometimes present behavior goes. At the same time, I have matured to the point where I understand that every action or reaction derives from a similar movement. If possible, I would undo all cowardly acts which often damaged the spirit of the opposite sex.

Mines included. Even those that were perhaps influenced by the actions or, should I say, non-actions of the man himself.

In the end, it boils down to the fine line between woman and man allowing one another to dominate, to the point where it resembles oppression. Which, in my opinion, leads to both parties unable to see their true worth. I could be wrong, but just as men respond a certain way towards the transgressions of women ... as women, we are the all too common results of men. (too deep for ya?)

Both good and bad.

So, in essence, it appears that we shoulder a great level of responsibility for one another, regardless of whether we admit, like, accept our position or not.

Again, I've shared words, acted upon those words, became lost in the acts, then turned around and completely took enough men's actions for granted to now suggest the most important lesson - a woman cannot deny any man, as long as she doesn't deny her own worth. I AM Worth it.


Laughter is a great feeling. And it's free, but that hardly has anything to do with it.

As God's creation living in an ungodly world, we all must learn to laugh. Not only because it feels good when we do so, but most importantly, it doesn't feel bad.

Laughter opens our hearts and relieves tension as well as the inner turmoil which constantly affects our spirituality. I personally cannot think of too many times where I've felt any pressure or pain while engaged in laughter. If I could, I'd probably laugh at everything said and done on Earth.

Or, until someone refers to me as being "silly", to which, of course, would bring pause followed by more laughter. I hate when people say you are "silly", in jest.

"The bomb goes boom" is a figure of speech. Often said to remind us as to how we have become so accustomed to witnessing acts of self-destruction that, nowadays, we've become somewhat numb to the aftermath.

Moreover, because we're human, we tend to lessen the implications of such destructiveness until the boom itself has been lowered.

Case in point: I remember a time when hardly anyone possessed guns. Now, almost everyone has guns. Big guns, at that. There is hardly any communication taking place, nowadays. Weapons doing all the talking.

The people who use big guns to injure or kill other people with big guns do so mainly out of frustration, and the inability to defuse anger through our God-given outlet. Whereas laughter creates a mental balance, the only thing anger creates is more anger. To the point where the pent up aggression releases itself.


Which, in turn, gives way to a blow-up of major and sometimes tragic proportions. In the end, a time bomb eventually reaches its final tick.

The results are never a laughing matter.

Helping Me

I think the most important lesson I learned in the past months is that I could control my mind.

The first time I read it, I thought to myself “Bullcrap.” My mind was a dark, dangerous place. I liken my fear of it to Macauley Caulkin’s fear of the furnace in the basement in Home Alone. My fear was justified. Imagine how terrifying it is to be left in the fetal position on your bedroom floor, crying your eyes out, feeling like someone just literally kicked my butt as a result of your own thoughts. The idea that I could not only face my mind, but actually conquer and control it? Nah. I needed hardcore evidence to buy into that.

But as I paid more attention to study the mind and myself, I eventually understood. The mind works like a computer and controlling it is a game of input and output. In the long run, your thoughts will shape your reality so mental wellness relies upon ones ability to keep their mind in check. It requires that you square up with your mind and proudly proclaim: “You’re not the boss of me.”

As I’ve mentioned previously on this blog, not all thoughts are truths. And some thoughts are not only unproductive, but poisonous. The key to recognizing poisonous thoughts is observing your thought process. When I find myself in a bad mood, I try to step outside of my emotions and ask myself “How did I get here?” At the root of that mood is a single thought that I've allowed to spiral out of control. For example:

What am I going to eat for dinner? I could go out for fast food or I could go to the grocery store and grab something I can cook. I really don’t feel like cooking though, and I eat too much fast food as it is. Okay, I need to go to the store. But I don’t feel like going to the store. God, I’m so lazy. A lazy ass bum. What kind of adult can’t cook a meal? This is why I’ll never amount to crap. You know what? Screw it. Since I’m can’t go to the grocery store and cook a meal like an adult, I won’t get any fast food either. I’ll just go to sleep without eating dinner at all. Yeah, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

Now notice, the brain can make this completely illogical rant appear to make sense. As if going to bed hungry is somehow the best solution here. So where did this train of thought go wrong? The answer: “God, I’m so lazy. A lazy ass bum.” With that thought, I've changed this dialogue from an inquiry about a meal to an attack on my self-esteem. There were other ways to handle this situation. I could have said “I know I don’t feel like going to the store, but it’s not really that tedious of a process. I’ll just go grab something I can whip up real quick” or “Okay, I’ll do fast food tonight, but tomorrow I’ll cook something.” That way I avoid the mental lashing and manage to go to bed on a full stomach.

The key to controlling my thoughts: any thought that makes me feel bad about myself has got to go.

 Occasionally, my mind still spirals out of control and it takes some time for me to reel it back in. Most of the time, however, I’m pretty good at stopping the spiral. There are times when I will notice things going downward and literally stop and say out loud “Hey. Shut the the hell up.” Now that may make me look a little crazy, but that’s a sacrifice I’ll make for keeping the real crazy at bay.


Rambling on and on...

I was blessed many years ago with a gift from GOD and that is these precious boys. These little guys makes my heart melt. I used to think that people just said their kids make them stronger just because it sounds good, but it's so true. Because of your kids, you develop strength that you never thought you had. I've been tested in so many ways since I was pregnant and the day I gave birth. When I say I've been tested, I mean I literally have been tested, especially my faith. Yes, I had children out of wedlock; not very smart, but it happens. And when that happens, you get the drama that goes with it because you didn't follow GODs word.

I finally accepted the fact that when I have to deal with things I'm going through now, it’s because I didn't listen to GOD. Satan has tried to do his very best to ruin me. He knew that after having a baby, a woman is very emotional, tired and has all types of feelings and need nothing but peace. Satan said "I'm going to get her when she is at her lowest" and he did. He tried to bring me down; he tried to break the bond with loved ones. He tried to tell me I will burn in hell. He threatened me and told me that he will make sure I burn in hell and even tried to curse my family. Satan really had me worried and concerned to the point where I was on edge.  He even questioned my love for my own son. I finally had to put my faith in GOD and pray CONSTANTLY. I had to anoint my house. I had to cry so many times on my knees. During this time, I was told that I was using GOD to get what I wanted. I mean the devil really tried to turn me off my game. Satan put people in my life only have them flip on me because he knew that they would help him. It was all planned BUT because my bond with the Lord is tighter than what people really think and know, I survived the attacks  and I am able to bond with my children everyday and I'm happy.

When you have GOD in your life, nobody can break that bond. So I won't let ANYONE break my bond with my children, NOBODY!!! You know the one thing I'm learning now is that those who you think aren't religious, are probably more spiritual than you are and the ones that claim they are spiritual aren't as spiritual as you may think. You don't have to prove yourself worthy to man. I now understand Matthew 6:6 in the bible. I prayed to myself so many times, even as a teenager. I've never been one to shout and scream and mention my beliefs in every conversation I engage in just to let folks know I'm a Christian.  GOD saw that I prayed to him and only to please him and not those around me or to church members. Therefore, GOD rewarded me and is still rewarding me.   Some people don't realize that not only can GOD use you but Satan can too IF you allow it. Satan will use any and everything to steer you off in the wrong path until you're dead. He wants you dead because he hates you. He hates you so much that he can't even look at you. He has to use others or his sneaky ways to throw you off. He will confuse the hell out of you and make you think you're crazy. He wishes bad things will happen to you. I will tell you this, I am still going through things now, but I want to save those who may feel like I felt. NEVER lose your faith in Christ. As much as I wanted to and let the devil win, I didn't lose my faith. I believed that GOD would deliver me and he did. Keep praying, stay loving, never change, no matter how hard times may get!!! You will be rewarded for your good works. Trust me, I know!!




Playoff Season - It's Fantastic

Watching Kobe make a killer shot!

wiping toilet seats with clorox before sitting

2011 has been kind

anyone who keeps his or her word

hot days and short shorts

conversation that moves your mind

paying attention to a person's body language

Mint Condition's new CD

thoughts of the women's retreat, I'm excited

the evolution of Nesha

older men who ride big motorcycles with playing oldies loudly with leather vests in 90 degree weather "so cute"


people who don't use turn signals

standing in long lines

The Lakers are down by two and look beaten already

when women say, "whatever!"

when men say "cut it out"

they don't make songs like this anymore

bullies, both kids and adults

my ipod is all over the place again and the playlists need some attention

people who drag their feet when they walk slowly

cleaning up after people who don't care that you fuss about cleaning up after them


Mission NPC

10 weeks out, getting there. I'm enjoying seeing what I"m creating but at the same time I'm nervous. I'm a black woman...I'm leaning out alot! It's effecting some crucial curves but they'll be back.  Decided to post a few, remember....weeks to go. 

Time Number 2 - Random Stuff

Listen. I understand the fact that Hollywood is an entertainment business, all about the almighty dollar, and would stop at nothing to make a dollar. But every so often there arrives a film that, afterward, should never be remade, ever again. In my opinion Juice is one of those serious films. Not only is a remake scheduled, but, bubblegum rap artist Soulja Boy, of all people, is slated to portray the role of Bishop, a character owned by the late Tupac Shakur. Trust, Pac has turned over in his grave.

Lately, I find myself listening to one song in particular by one of my favorite male recording artist Lyfe Jennings. The song, Statistics, is of the "if you don't know, now you know" variety which, of course, in my opinion, are the best kinds of songs. As always, Lyfe breaks down the game in a way that it should remain forever broken. In other words, a woman can never say she was blind to the fact.

Sometimes I believe that, as a woman, I have arrived at the point in my life where I no longer look to obtain new relationships, friendships, bonds. Nowadays, I simply look to make good on all the connections that I have built over the years. I realized that much of my blood, sweat and tears have gone in vain. I figure, I put it down, so it's only natural that I pick it up. Feel me.

Teach Me How To Dougie: Michelle Obama has to be the most down to earth First Lady that my eyes have ever witnessed. Check out this video of her dancing with a group of middle school students in Washington, DC. Being a sista born and raised in Chicago, Illinois, one has to figure that Michelle kept her "street dancing" to a minimum for the camera.

Can't keep asking me to speak me about Osama. Matter of fact, I don't want to speak about Osama.


Starts with a Question - A Poem

It starts with a question
one patient
the other full of anticipation

Bated breath, and teeming desire
seeking the warmth of our love
we huddle around its fire

Seems just right but sometimes
too much
feeling smothered but
still longing for the touch?
So it becomes a struggle
toward the same goal
like running in a
3 leg race
we can win !!!
just keep a slow steady pace
this is us
our love
and affectionate

like an unborn child
waiting for the day to be truly born
having felt and heard the world thru
the womb
ready for the rest of its life


the patient one
has to remind the anxious

....."we will be there love , take it easy

Song In My Head

I was feeling this, words and all...the beautiful ones, everytime.


I'm on Time Out

May I admit an uncomfortable truth about myself to you all this morning?

I, NW -Powerful Beyond Measure, am easily influenced.

It doesn’t seem that way, does it? Especially because I’m always waxing poetic about following my own path and not caring what others think. Yes, this is the way that I live my life, but I never said that the influences of the outside world do not enter my mind.

Last night, I was watching Entourage and somehow what should have been another of many good television-watching experiences turned into a full-blown attack on my self-esteem. It was an internal dialogue I’ve had so many times that I could probably recite it backward:

Look at these guys, charging through Hollywood and pursuing their dreams at full-speed. Even when things go bad, do they freak out and quit? No, they stay positive and keep pushing forward. They’re not whining about mental illnesses and why they can’t do it, they just get it done. That’s why your butt is thirty-seven years old, sitting here, and watching this from cowtown USA. For all of your so-called intellect, talent, and charisma, it’s all wasted potential because you’re too weak to make something real of yourself.

Once again battered by the malicious bully in my head, I ended up in tears.

Normally, I would have taken this rant in my head and used it as inspiration to start some new habit or venture that would magically transform me back into the gung-ho “I want to rule the world” girl I was at twenty-five.

But this is what I’ve had to learn: every thought I have isn’t a truth. Every emotion doesn’t deserve an action; especially when you have a mind such as mine that can and will turn against you in a heartbeat. So I sat, in the middle of my bed and let the tears fall until a voice of reason (I like to think it’s the God in me) spoke up.

First of all, when did fame become part of our definition of success? Remember we said our first priority will always be peace of mind? And how are you wasting your talent if you’re school, playing Superwoman, as fit as you've been in your life, running this, doing that, creating this and that? And why are you comparing yourself to fictional TV characters? And why are you acting like your life is over once you hit 40? Stop. You’re trippin.

I exhaled, the tears stopped, and I felt a little better.

The truth is that I’m still wrestling with living my truth. I have a vision for my life. One that is quiet and simple, but it makes me smile when I think of it, so it’s fulfilling. It’s just difficult, sometimes, to hold on to that when the world demands that you move faster, be bigger, and never be satisfied.

Still, I’m proud to say that I win a small battle in the war to control my mind everyday. Who knows? One day, I just might master this whole thing and in my own mind rule the world.