Do you sound racist?

I had one of those "hypersensitive" days, when I have to question, "was that racism" or am I reading into things.  Normally, my answer to people questioning that they heard my little town was slightly racist I say "I wouldn't know, I don't give people the time long enough to be racist to me". That being said, it's simply not true and sometimes you have to entertain conversations. Like today:

"Wow, great shoulders, do you work out?"
"Nope, never been to a gym in my life" (as I stand there in underarmour leggings and a tank top that says 'Fit Factory' across my chest)
"There aren't any black women in my gym it's not often you see that"
I stared, smirked and walked away with one eyebrown cocked
Sat down in my car and shook my head.

There’s more to acting racist than just calling people nigger. it’s usually that little thing called dismissing the feelings and input of a specific group or people. or better yet, not seeing an individual but seeing a [insert race] person. (fine example: laura ingraham’s simple ass writing in her trash book “the obama diaries” that michelle obama would eat ribs all day. the same michelle obama who makes a point to work out on a regular basis and sponsors a healthy eating initiative. she didn’t see michelle obama. she saw a black person. and you know how those negros love their pork!) and while you may not BE a racist (at least in your own eyes)…some of ya’ll do and say some racist mess. and after a while the little slights start to add up. so excuse the hell out of some of us for being “hypersensitive”

Sometimes it's actually kind of comical. Today, I"m a little bitter. I'll be fine tomorrow.

Song In My Head - Lose Myself

Thinking about this song lately. It's actually a love song to me abnout myself. The answer is near.


Thinking Out Loud

I met, befriended, dated, became involved, enjoyed and screwed up badly with more than enough men in my lifetime to understand some divine lessons as it arrives at the opposite sex. In fact, I believe it's safe to say that God knew exactly what He was doing when created Adam first.

Lord knows He did.

He knew exactly what he was doing when he put me in a house full of testerone and said "deal with it" too.

During my life here on Earth I have experienced some very powerful emotions - birth of a child, death of a loved one, love, unconditional love, passion and lust, empathy, thrill of victory, agony of defeat, betrayal, forgiveness. And for all of the skipping of heartbeats which each sentiment provoked, there is absolutely none which compared to how a man made me feel.

At times I lay in bed at night with my eyes closed and stir such emotion. And I recall precise moments when the spirit of a men settled perfectly within the chambers of my heart. I remember virtually everything about each men who has touched my heart including the good, the bad, the ugly, my daddy, my uncles and even mny grandfather too. I've taken something from each one in a moment and determined whether they'd be around for the long haul, an aquaintance or if they would left without my help if they were dying on a street corner.

The purest form of woman is a man, if you ask me.

During these thinking moments I have become overwhelmed by immense passion and deep regret, as far as past and sometimes present behavior goes. At the same time, I have matured to the point where I understand that every action or reaction derives from a similar movement. If possible, I would undo all cowardly acts which often damaged the spirit of the opposite sex.

Mines included. Even those that were perhaps influenced by the actions or, should I say, non-actions of the man himself.

In the end, it boils down to the fine line between woman and man allowing one another to dominate, to the point where it resembles oppression. Which, in my opinion, leads to both parties unable to see their true worth. I could be wrong, but just as men respond a certain way towards the transgressions of women ... as women, we are the all too common results of men. (too deep for ya?)

Both good and bad.

So, in essence, it appears that we shoulder a great level of responsibility for one another, regardless of whether we admit, like, accept our position or not.

Again, I've shared words, acted upon those words, became lost in the acts, then turned around and completely took enough men's actions for granted to now suggest the most important lesson - a woman cannot deny any man, as long as she doesn't deny her own worth. I AM Worth it.


Laughter is a great feeling. And it's free, but that hardly has anything to do with it.

As God's creation living in an ungodly world, we all must learn to laugh. Not only because it feels good when we do so, but most importantly, it doesn't feel bad.

Laughter opens our hearts and relieves tension as well as the inner turmoil which constantly affects our spirituality. I personally cannot think of too many times where I've felt any pressure or pain while engaged in laughter. If I could, I'd probably laugh at everything said and done on Earth.

Or, until someone refers to me as being "silly", to which, of course, would bring pause followed by more laughter. I hate when people say you are "silly", in jest.

"The bomb goes boom" is a figure of speech. Often said to remind us as to how we have become so accustomed to witnessing acts of self-destruction that, nowadays, we've become somewhat numb to the aftermath.

Moreover, because we're human, we tend to lessen the implications of such destructiveness until the boom itself has been lowered.

Case in point: I remember a time when hardly anyone possessed guns. Now, almost everyone has guns. Big guns, at that. There is hardly any communication taking place, nowadays. Weapons doing all the talking.

The people who use big guns to injure or kill other people with big guns do so mainly out of frustration, and the inability to defuse anger through our God-given outlet. Whereas laughter creates a mental balance, the only thing anger creates is more anger. To the point where the pent up aggression releases itself.


Which, in turn, gives way to a blow-up of major and sometimes tragic proportions. In the end, a time bomb eventually reaches its final tick.

The results are never a laughing matter.

Helping Me

I think the most important lesson I learned in the past months is that I could control my mind.

The first time I read it, I thought to myself “Bullcrap.” My mind was a dark, dangerous place. I liken my fear of it to Macauley Caulkin’s fear of the furnace in the basement in Home Alone. My fear was justified. Imagine how terrifying it is to be left in the fetal position on your bedroom floor, crying your eyes out, feeling like someone just literally kicked my butt as a result of your own thoughts. The idea that I could not only face my mind, but actually conquer and control it? Nah. I needed hardcore evidence to buy into that.

But as I paid more attention to study the mind and myself, I eventually understood. The mind works like a computer and controlling it is a game of input and output. In the long run, your thoughts will shape your reality so mental wellness relies upon ones ability to keep their mind in check. It requires that you square up with your mind and proudly proclaim: “You’re not the boss of me.”

As I’ve mentioned previously on this blog, not all thoughts are truths. And some thoughts are not only unproductive, but poisonous. The key to recognizing poisonous thoughts is observing your thought process. When I find myself in a bad mood, I try to step outside of my emotions and ask myself “How did I get here?” At the root of that mood is a single thought that I've allowed to spiral out of control. For example:

What am I going to eat for dinner? I could go out for fast food or I could go to the grocery store and grab something I can cook. I really don’t feel like cooking though, and I eat too much fast food as it is. Okay, I need to go to the store. But I don’t feel like going to the store. God, I’m so lazy. A lazy ass bum. What kind of adult can’t cook a meal? This is why I’ll never amount to crap. You know what? Screw it. Since I’m can’t go to the grocery store and cook a meal like an adult, I won’t get any fast food either. I’ll just go to sleep without eating dinner at all. Yeah, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

Now notice, the brain can make this completely illogical rant appear to make sense. As if going to bed hungry is somehow the best solution here. So where did this train of thought go wrong? The answer: “God, I’m so lazy. A lazy ass bum.” With that thought, I've changed this dialogue from an inquiry about a meal to an attack on my self-esteem. There were other ways to handle this situation. I could have said “I know I don’t feel like going to the store, but it’s not really that tedious of a process. I’ll just go grab something I can whip up real quick” or “Okay, I’ll do fast food tonight, but tomorrow I’ll cook something.” That way I avoid the mental lashing and manage to go to bed on a full stomach.

The key to controlling my thoughts: any thought that makes me feel bad about myself has got to go.

 Occasionally, my mind still spirals out of control and it takes some time for me to reel it back in. Most of the time, however, I’m pretty good at stopping the spiral. There are times when I will notice things going downward and literally stop and say out loud “Hey. Shut the the hell up.” Now that may make me look a little crazy, but that’s a sacrifice I’ll make for keeping the real crazy at bay.


Rambling on and on...

I was blessed many years ago with a gift from GOD and that is these precious boys. These little guys makes my heart melt. I used to think that people just said their kids make them stronger just because it sounds good, but it's so true. Because of your kids, you develop strength that you never thought you had. I've been tested in so many ways since I was pregnant and the day I gave birth. When I say I've been tested, I mean I literally have been tested, especially my faith. Yes, I had children out of wedlock; not very smart, but it happens. And when that happens, you get the drama that goes with it because you didn't follow GODs word.

I finally accepted the fact that when I have to deal with things I'm going through now, it’s because I didn't listen to GOD. Satan has tried to do his very best to ruin me. He knew that after having a baby, a woman is very emotional, tired and has all types of feelings and need nothing but peace. Satan said "I'm going to get her when she is at her lowest" and he did. He tried to bring me down; he tried to break the bond with loved ones. He tried to tell me I will burn in hell. He threatened me and told me that he will make sure I burn in hell and even tried to curse my family. Satan really had me worried and concerned to the point where I was on edge.  He even questioned my love for my own son. I finally had to put my faith in GOD and pray CONSTANTLY. I had to anoint my house. I had to cry so many times on my knees. During this time, I was told that I was using GOD to get what I wanted. I mean the devil really tried to turn me off my game. Satan put people in my life only have them flip on me because he knew that they would help him. It was all planned BUT because my bond with the Lord is tighter than what people really think and know, I survived the attacks  and I am able to bond with my children everyday and I'm happy.

When you have GOD in your life, nobody can break that bond. So I won't let ANYONE break my bond with my children, NOBODY!!! You know the one thing I'm learning now is that those who you think aren't religious, are probably more spiritual than you are and the ones that claim they are spiritual aren't as spiritual as you may think. You don't have to prove yourself worthy to man. I now understand Matthew 6:6 in the bible. I prayed to myself so many times, even as a teenager. I've never been one to shout and scream and mention my beliefs in every conversation I engage in just to let folks know I'm a Christian.  GOD saw that I prayed to him and only to please him and not those around me or to church members. Therefore, GOD rewarded me and is still rewarding me.   Some people don't realize that not only can GOD use you but Satan can too IF you allow it. Satan will use any and everything to steer you off in the wrong path until you're dead. He wants you dead because he hates you. He hates you so much that he can't even look at you. He has to use others or his sneaky ways to throw you off. He will confuse the hell out of you and make you think you're crazy. He wishes bad things will happen to you. I will tell you this, I am still going through things now, but I want to save those who may feel like I felt. NEVER lose your faith in Christ. As much as I wanted to and let the devil win, I didn't lose my faith. I believed that GOD would deliver me and he did. Keep praying, stay loving, never change, no matter how hard times may get!!! You will be rewarded for your good works. Trust me, I know!!




Playoff Season - It's Fantastic

Watching Kobe make a killer shot!

wiping toilet seats with clorox before sitting

2011 has been kind

anyone who keeps his or her word

hot days and short shorts

conversation that moves your mind

paying attention to a person's body language

Mint Condition's new CD

thoughts of the women's retreat, I'm excited

the evolution of Nesha

older men who ride big motorcycles with playing oldies loudly with leather vests in 90 degree weather "so cute"


people who don't use turn signals

standing in long lines

The Lakers are down by two and look beaten already

when women say, "whatever!"

when men say "cut it out"

they don't make songs like this anymore

bullies, both kids and adults

my ipod is all over the place again and the playlists need some attention

people who drag their feet when they walk slowly

cleaning up after people who don't care that you fuss about cleaning up after them


Mission NPC

10 weeks out, getting there. I'm enjoying seeing what I"m creating but at the same time I'm nervous. I'm a black woman...I'm leaning out alot! It's effecting some crucial curves but they'll be back.  Decided to post a few, remember....weeks to go. 

Time Number 2 - Random Stuff

Listen. I understand the fact that Hollywood is an entertainment business, all about the almighty dollar, and would stop at nothing to make a dollar. But every so often there arrives a film that, afterward, should never be remade, ever again. In my opinion Juice is one of those serious films. Not only is a remake scheduled, but, bubblegum rap artist Soulja Boy, of all people, is slated to portray the role of Bishop, a character owned by the late Tupac Shakur. Trust, Pac has turned over in his grave.

Lately, I find myself listening to one song in particular by one of my favorite male recording artist Lyfe Jennings. The song, Statistics, is of the "if you don't know, now you know" variety which, of course, in my opinion, are the best kinds of songs. As always, Lyfe breaks down the game in a way that it should remain forever broken. In other words, a woman can never say she was blind to the fact.

Sometimes I believe that, as a woman, I have arrived at the point in my life where I no longer look to obtain new relationships, friendships, bonds. Nowadays, I simply look to make good on all the connections that I have built over the years. I realized that much of my blood, sweat and tears have gone in vain. I figure, I put it down, so it's only natural that I pick it up. Feel me.

Teach Me How To Dougie: Michelle Obama has to be the most down to earth First Lady that my eyes have ever witnessed. Check out this video of her dancing with a group of middle school students in Washington, DC. Being a sista born and raised in Chicago, Illinois, one has to figure that Michelle kept her "street dancing" to a minimum for the camera.

Can't keep asking me to speak me about Osama. Matter of fact, I don't want to speak about Osama.


Starts with a Question - A Poem

It starts with a question
one patient
the other full of anticipation

Bated breath, and teeming desire
seeking the warmth of our love
we huddle around its fire

Seems just right but sometimes
too much
feeling smothered but
still longing for the touch?
So it becomes a struggle
toward the same goal
like running in a
3 leg race
we can win !!!
just keep a slow steady pace
this is us
our love
and affectionate

like an unborn child
waiting for the day to be truly born
having felt and heard the world thru
the womb
ready for the rest of its life


the patient one
has to remind the anxious

....."we will be there love , take it easy

Song In My Head

I was feeling this, words and all...the beautiful ones, everytime.