Resting place to my thoughts and ramblings, inspiration, writing, hip-hop, mind-release, rants and other instances of complete randomness. Basically, the oil to the hamster that runs on the wheel in my brain.
So, when I blogged this last year I had no idea how much my life would be forever changed in the next few months. I re-read it. Still sounds like me somewhat but now I've truly made those changes and day to day I'm actually becoming quite proud of myself and my relationship with my Lord and Savior. I've asked him for some things to change in my life, some of my thinking, judgments etc. I see myself coming full circle. I feel the happiness that I've been lacking and as I said...it was here all along.
It isn't a new prayer but it's a more meaningful prayer and something that I've thought I could deal with on my own and that's just so. There isn't ANYTHING that can't be dealt with alone, without him. Thank God for understanding. I was riding late last night in the car with my husband and I told him, "it's such a trip that I can't think of anyone in this world at the moment that I don't like, have animosity towards, would want to see anything bad happen to, I've never felt like I had total peace in my life".
Maybe to you that's not such a big deal but you have to know me. Until just a few months ago, I wouldn't even consider going to dinner with certain people from my childhood because I still remember a joke they said about me in 8th grade. An acquaintance that I had a falling out with a few years ago was still on my most hated list until 2 months ago. I smiled when I saw her because she had apologized but secretly in my head I thought "If you were laying on the street bleeding I wouldn't help you".
I asked God to remove anything from my life that was not like him. This was a hard request, simply because, that means so many things. I knew asking him to do this could even possible mean I could be alienating myself from alot of things I love. I was actually terrified to say it but I said it and meant it. He's working on me. I feel it. It's a beautiful thing. One of the first scriptures he showed me again leaped off the page at me during bible study. I had seen it for years but it became abunduntly clear if I was to live my life for him. 1 John 4:20 "If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?"
Yesterday, we lost a beautiful woman. To me, her name was mom. She was my mother in law. It was sudden, quick and completely unexpected. I texted her last week and told her I finished my first quarter back to school with a 4.0.
She texted back and said, "I'm proud of you, I love you, lets do lunch next week". She is only one of a very few family members very close to me to die and I'm reminded of how much I continue to say I'm going to tell those I love how the way I feel much more, but continue not to do it. I'm not sure what God is doing here. I know that's it's not always good but it's always God.
Mom, was such a good mother in law. She never ever took sides. She listened, gave good advice and told me what she would tell her own daughter but would still rally the troops around her son if need be the way I'd do my own son or my mother would do me if her baby was hurt. She never missed sending me a birthday card on any occassion, and I always got an extra special gift from her on my birthday.
If if she couldn't make birthdays she always sent a gift, and you could count on her to come through the door with a huge smile and lighten up the room. One conversation I shared with her about her baby boy being so friendly to EVERYBODY she said, "well, he can't help that, he came by it honestly". I knew exactly what she meant because she would find the person I couldn't stand the most in a room at one of our events and talk their face off and be sure to tell them what a wonderful daughter in law she had. Mom, you know our last conversation and what it meant to me. Thank you for living me with that. I love you.
Thinking about my blog today. I've gone at this blog harder and longer than anything I've committed to in a while. I'm proud of myself mainly because I've been able to stick with something consistently. And with all of the changes that have taken place in my life since my first post, I'd say that this is somewhat of an achievement. Or maybe I'm just a know-it-all....either way. I took a break for a minute but I missed it...Not sure if I miss it or the fact that I'm not quite sure if I have readers anymore who care about it and what I write. It feels wierd to want to ask people did you see what I wrote. I don't want to but it's hard to know that I've put myself into something and not know if someone...anyone is reading. It's actually quite lonely sometimes.
1. This summer is confirming to me that hell is not an option. It's so hot..even at night.
2. I need more fun in my life; whether I have money at the time or not. I've been on a cleaning fit for about a month to keep my mind busy and it's time to let loose just a little.
3. I hate the feeling of knowing that I am the cause of someone else's hurt or pain. Sometimes it makes me feel like such a bad person.
4. I wish I felt some sort of normal right now. I feel in limbo and its' such a terrible feeling.
5. My newest playlist on my ipod has the best songs. I've fallen in love with it.
6. I'm afraid of some of the things happening in my life and in my mind right now. I don't know how to be "open" without feeling as if it's too much. I could really use a wish right now.
I'm still praying God. Can you show me that your listening? Just a little sign would be really nice right now.
Couldn't ask for better lyrics today. Ever been in your car and singing a song loud, saw the person next to you watching you and wondered what you were singing but you didn't care? I did that today...Praise him in Advance.
"You may think you are the only person persuing this. You are wrong. I'm persuing this too, I want this just as much as you do".
After much self-inspection, I am still not sure exactly how I survived the past month. While I am grateful that a Being more sovereign than I saw fit to accompany me every step of the way, acting as a guide/protector, I am still taking inventory of all that my heart has endured. Weeks ago, I would have submerged myself into a mode of self-pity labeled "Victim-mentality", but with 40 less than 5 years away...I'm working on finding a different perspective. On what it means to live. Truly live. But foremost, on how to truly love, honestly and with all my heart. Even when it's tough.
One cannot be sure how strong the bond is between two people unless it has been tested. Taken through a variety of turmoil and even betrayal. However, I feel that it isn't just the strength of the love that is stressed, but the power of the Will of each person and putting God entirely first. At any moment after a crisis, only one person is needed to decide not to continue. To be committed to another person is the weightiest vow a human being can give, because he/she knows that love alone just isn't enough. To give ourselves completely to it is what most just cannot do.
Currently, I am in awe of how much strong my heart is now. Because it has been broken, subtly and repeatedly but ultimately, my love for him has been returned ten fold. It is returned everday. You can see the look in his eyes. My Love for my Beloved is so much stronger than it has ever been. I think that is a wonderful blessing from God. My choice to love him is as fiery and passionate as a summer fling, but it's girded with the stuff that allows Love to see its golden years.
Inspiring to my heart, my soul and everything I believe in. I'm learning more everyday. Laying one brick at a time. I want to do good and I want the world to be better because I was here. "If you aren't making someone else's life better, you are waisting your time." Wow. Powerful stuff
Wanted to take the time to thank all my readers for the emails I've received to checking in to make sure all is well. Believe me, it is. I am so grateful to you. Funny thing is, I don't know the majority of you and yet I have readers who check in on me more than the IRL (in real life) people and have grown to know me through PBM. As my previous post stated, I just need to take a break for a minute to get back on track. I will be back very soon but I'm going through a transitional phase in my life and attention is required. Attention to who? My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ has been trying to get my attention for a long time now. He's tried multiple, subtle hints and not much has phased me in a few years but he has it loud and clear now. I am in the storm but I see beautiful sunshine coming over the horizon. I'm dedicating my life to God, prayer, study, worship and my family right now and I choose to do this mostly away from the computer so that I am focused and not feeling the need for my mind to wander to needless other things. I know that this will make me a whole person...a better christian, wife and mother.