Who Am I? Essay work in progress...
I really have been thinking lately about who I am - Why I am important and being reflective about my life in general. An introduction into who I am as a individual with emotions and feelings is a hard one to make. What is the use of knowing about everything else when you do not yet know who you are? When I first begin this whole blog thing I found it very difficult to talk about myself. My life is full of meaningful relationships and memories. God has truly blessed me. My whines and complains would often be something that another with less would love to have as minor "problems" of life.
I am internally hyperative. My mind just seems to race with so many things. I am a chaotic fountain of energy. I hate that question "what are you thinking". It seems to be such a personal question. Often I don't think people would think I'm a bit looney if they really know some of the things that run through my head so instead I usually give some canned answer about something or other. Anyway, back to my emotions...my energy usually comes from my emotions. If I didn't channel the energy through my emotions, writing, working out of some sort I'd probably be an emotional wreck. Honestly I believe these three things give me balance in my life. Without the help of my daily prayers to the Lord to help me make it through each day and the other previous mentioned items I may be another opening scene of "Lady Sings the Blues" in which Diana Ross is strung out on medicine in a padded cell with a straitjacket. If you haven't seen the movie watch it. It's my favorite.
I don't believe there was a single day or instance that I became this way. Life's ups and downs, pitfalls and mountain climbs, experiences have helped shape me. I believe music had a hand in shaping me as well and what that didn't cover, my imagination did. I realized somewhere around 8th grade that music made me more happy or sad than almost anything in the world. I didn't not want to be the one who created the music or even sang it yet certain song lyrics seemed to truly move my soul. As if to say "yes, that is what I was trying to say, someone actually got it". Music is as living as the people who make it. In a certain way, I am addicted to it. If I'm quiet on the outside the music moves me on the inside. Each of my loved ones have theme music to certain things they do. As my boy is streaking towards the endzone I hear "Public Service Announcement" by Jay Z playing in my head. When my other one swishes a 3 during basketball I often hear "Money in the Bank"...lmao! Every person I love has theme music.
Sometimes I have insane thoughts like, "I wonder do eyeballs bounce", "If you poked someone's brain would they feel it". Other thoughts also roam my brain on a daily basis. Top of my list have often been..."Am I really loved or do people just say that", "Would I be missed if I was gone", "Do people really like me and why do I care?"
Really I"m just a small girl in a woman's body. Full of so many thoughts and emotions. I can't imagine not being who I am. If I wasn't able to shrug off the bad things in life and find the energy to keep going would I even be alive? I would think so but I've found things in life that make me happy. Lately I'm sitting quietly trying to listen to the "voice", telling me what should be most important right now. I'm confused but still listening and waiting patiently.
I have had my fair share of hard times. I may still have many more to see, but I now know I can make it no matter what.
To be continued at a later date....