Back from the Lone Star State

So I made it back ya'lllllll. Yes I said ya'llllll...lol. I had a grand time. I loved every single moment of my trip.

Just a few of my favorite things:

I was pleasantly surprised on Monday evening to have my mommy, daddy and sister all pick me up at the airport. My mother, being the kind hearted mom she is felt the need to get out of the car and try to welcome me in baggage claim. I think she forgot first, what a fast walker I am and that I was the first one off the plane and before she could get there I had my bag and was out by the curb. Second she forgot her cellphone when she hopped out of the car so that we spent another 30 minutes looking for her in the airport. (smile) Gotta love her. I also had to love the fact that as soon as we walked in the door she immediately started cooking for me.

Tuesday - what a beautiful glorious day. Starting from the time I woke up and listened....'SILENCE'. No "mommy, I'm hungry", "mommy, I need lunch money", "mom what time are we leaving"...'have you seen my wallet", "where is my cell phone", "did you move the keys?" simple SILENCE! The rest of the day...no words...just the best day ever. It set the tone for the rest of the entire week. I even got to go to the community gym although I don't thing the "good old gals" are used to seeing women lift weight. It was cute to pretend I didn't see them watching me and wondering who the new chick was. On Saturday my parents gave me a tore of the area. I had the BEST SOUL FOOD EVER at Lisa's Soul Food. They thought I came to taste in my cute little Ed Hardy shirt and too tight jeans. I came to get down!!!! I helped myself to two sides of chitterlings, yams, greens, macaroni and cheese, banana pudding and oxtails! Let me not forgot the BEST Sweet Tea I have EVER HAD! I think I heard 5 times "you not gonna eat all that Miss California"...I ate it all!!!!
Following that I was quite impressed with the mini community of Bishop TD Jakes church...beautiful but a little overwelming. I think there are more churches in Texas than california has liquor stores in the ghetto. They got bigger and bigger! Nothing was bigger than the size of the schools. High Schools in Texas are the size of colleges in California. Middle Schools even left me amazed. I'm curious though...what's up with Texas and the water towers? Everyone shows town pride through their water tower I guess. It was cute.

My biggest disappointment of the week though....PAUL QUINN COLLEGE! I can't believe they even have a sign from the freeway pointing to this school. What an embarrassing addition to the HBCU family. What parent who be excited to drop their child off at this college. Sorry if my opinion is appreciated but the appearance of this school is SHAMEFUL. I kept hoping we entered on the OLD side of the school but it was the ENTIRE school in RUINS! Broken windows in dormitories, cardboard covers on windows, dead grass, missing doors, dirt roads leading to classrooms. One whole dormitory had caught on fire and it looked as if kids were inside! There were a few kids around here and there. On the way out we asked the security guard if the students were on spring break because the school seemed so abandoned. He said "nope they are all here, only about 300 kids go here"...hhmmmm. As we were leaving I looked over to the left of the campus and it appeared to be right next door to some projects. It was just sad and everything surrounding it looked sad.

Sunday I had a beautiful day as well and enjoyed my parents and their church home and my mommy cooked a nice dinner. Again it was a very relaxing weekend, full of good thoughts, positive thinking and finally coming to some conclusions on just life in general.

On the otherside of the world my boys all had a great time with dad. My little guys went fishing while I was gone and the big boys had mom off their back. I came back to a beautiful welcome home from them and I couldn't get enough love and hugs from them.

It's time to get back on my blog. I feel like I've been neglecting it lately. I had some good quotes shared with me or I overheard on my journey as well so in no particular order:

"Happiness I can help you with, the peace you have to find within yourself"

"You are alot stronger than you think you are"

"My answer is an emphatic YES"

"One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you can get it"


Turn My Swag On

I woke up this morning to hear "hopped up out of bed...turned my swag" by soldja boy. Why did I know all the lyrics to this song..."took a look in tha mirror said wassup yeeeaaa I'm getting money". this was so funny to me. I thought it was so cute that I knew it but also that it made me feel good.

In a short period of time I'm learning that I've given for a long time. Somewhere along the way, I stopped giving to Nesha. While I've been away resting my head I realize that Nesha has somehow gotten lost in the shuffle. I heard someone say "I got to see Nesha today"...how funny. I didn't realize it until somethings were pointed out to me. So often as women everything is pushed "up" except us. Yes, I occasionally get a pedicure, buy an outfit or get to get away for a few hours. Funny thing is, each time I do this I feel as if I should be somewhere else. Someone should be getting picked up, I should have started dinner, someone must be looking for me. There can't be extra time for this stuff so I must have forgotten something.

You'll have to pardon me while I ramble on here for a bit. Some days I just have to "get it out".

I know that I'm not the Superhero I once wanted to portray myself to be but I'm far from Ms. Wimpy either. I believe in someways I've been playing the latter. All women wear many hats and I have closet full. Problem is that over the years I've not spoken up when I should have. It's still a process. I'm learning.

What do you think of this quote that I found? "The one who loves least controls the relationship". hhhhmmmmm. It made me stop and think. Do you think this is true?


Let The Kids Play!

There were some interesting end of game strategies on Friday and Saturday in the first and second rounds. Siena coach Fran McCaffrey -in the first round against Ohio State- and Gonzaga coach Mark Few - in the second round against Western Kentucky- chose not to call timeouts in the last seconds of the game. It paid off both times.

Actually, it paid off twice for Siena. Ronald Moore hit a 3 pointer to and the game into a second overtime, then hit the winning 3 at the end of the second overtime.

On the other hand, Wisconsin coach Bo Ryan called a timeout at the end of regulation against Florida State - about a second before his guard, Jason Bohannon hit what would have been the game winning 3 pointer. Coach Ryan also called timeout at the end of the first overtime to set up a play. Wisconsin went on to win but only after Trevon Hughes saved them after the play that was called broke down.

Too often coaches don't trust their players to make a play. If you have confidence in your guards, why call a timeout? Heck, you're going to call your favorite end of the game play anyway right? Shouldn't your players already know what that is? Calling a timeout to set up your offense also allows the opposing coach to set up his defense. In a game I watched with my sons' AAU just before heading out last Sunday, we were up by 5 with 59 seconds to go and the ball in our hand. No shot clock in this league. Jay-Whiz brought the ball up and Coach Dad called "you know what to do" from the sideline. The opposing coach looked confused. Twin A then called spread and the ball was passed 5 times to the perimeters before the opposing coach started screaming 'FOUL' to his players at the top of his lungs.

This isn't a plug for Delta Fastbreak or indictment of Coach Ryan, he's one of the best coaches in the country. Rather, it's an an indictment of coaches being way too controlling. It's an extension of what happens throughout the a game: A coach standin and yelling what seems like every second, directing like an orchestra conductor. Why aren't coaches like John Wooden, who actually sat on the bench almost all of his games. He was content that he had taught his players enough in practice. He didn't have to stand and yell the entire 40 minutes. In some cases you'll notice it's almost as if the coach is saying "look at me! I'm on my feet the whole game! I'm really coaching them up!" Sit down already guys.


Mi Dia Perfecto

only smiles. I'm happy ya'll. So very happy. Things are going well. I can't begin to explain how I feel. My mom said tonight that I seemed to be levitating. I came in the room as she was speaking to her friend on the phone. She said, "I think this girl is actually floating". I smiled and crawled into bed between her and my daddy to watch the Cosby Show.


News In My State

A mix of good and bad on this day as I get ready to leave Cali for a few days...

My Saint Mary's Rams Girls are the Beast of Cali! Yesterday they sealed a State Championship...the 5th this decade! Yes, yes...SM Rams do it with not one senior on the squad. Repeat next year girls? I would love to see the boys take one to Arco in the next few year as well. Congrats to our State Champions!

On a much sadder note - Oakland continues to make national news in crime. Following the devasting effect that the BART killing has has had on Oakland, in which Oscar Grant, age 22 was killed by a Bart Police officer who has now been charged with murder, this weekend 3 Oakland SWAT team members were killed following a stand off with a parolee. A fourth officer remains in critical condition. This has been called the worst day in Oakland's police history. Never before have so many officers been killed in one day. The officers were killed following a search for a parolee with an extensive record following a traffic stop. Prayers go out to their families as well as the City of Oakland.

Finally, my March Madness dreams of victory in EVER winning a bracket challenge continue to decrease. The year of the Ox is suppose to be my year! I have 28 of 40 in correct picks and my Cali teams have all been knocked out! I can only hope to make up points in my final four! MARCH MADNESS CONTINUES!!!!


I Love...

Not the whole, God, my family, My life type post...just a list of some things that make me smile

(in no particular order)

Alone time with myself sometimes

Great Sheets that feel good on my skin

Confidence (it's sexy as hell)

Swag (Not over the top but again, it's a confidence thing)

Compliments (I'm a girl)

People who allow me to be me without questioning me

Myself (person I'm becoming, the final phase will be a masterpiece, guaranteed)


Jeans that make my butt look good

great bras

A rush


New Music that moves me

Old Music that moves me

Lyrics that I can relate too

Long car rides with great music :-)

Feeling as if I can be honest with people without hurt feelings


Sneakers that feel good


fresh braids

track jackets

March Madness

Superbowl pools

NBA All Star Weekend

High school playoffs

Track Meets

Summer Festivals

Strawberry yogurt

Carnival Food

Nachos with tons of Jalpenos and spicy cheese

Just catching up

Sooo, I'm ABSOLUTELY a crazy woman this week. I made a list of all the things I did yesterday. It was the full length of an envelope. I started at 7am and NEVER stopped until 8pm last night. It felt great to get so many things done before my trip but my list continues today. I still haven't made my to-do list of things that need to be done while I'm gone. My mom says if I do everything before I leave no one will appreciate what I do while I'm gone. It doesn't matter though. I need to be able to sleep at night while I'm gone and know that everything and everyone is fine. Cayden woke up at 12am with some kind of barking seal cough and kept going with it until 4am. I'm tired but I think I'm on some type of high today. I can't sleep. I'm hoping he won't sleep too long so I can squeeze the gym into my list of things for today. Today is beautiful...I feel so good. What are your plans today? By 1:00pm I think I'll be on pins and needles about my trip. I'm just so excited. What will you be doing at 1:00pm my time? If nothing, then send Nesha warm thoughts :-)

So since I haven't written about the boys in a minute let me catch up. The third quarter has begun and everyone has started with a 4.0 gpa yippppeeee! Twin A dropped last quarter for the first time and couldn't get that Alegebra back up. He finished with a 2.8 for the first time this year. I guess I should be upset but I know he worked his butt off and since I am the last person to ask even one alegebraic (is that a word?) problem I can't get too upset about it. Twin B managed a 3.2. I'll take it because he go received a B+ in Spanish and is beginning to walk around the house and speak spanish to us all. I love it! CJ had his parent teacher conference yesterday and he seems to be doing well. He loves school but because his teacher said he has been caught a few times with his head down in class. I moved his bed time back to 8:30pm. He almost has Green Eggs and Ham memorized, but it's really helping with his fluency. Cayden is Cayden...whoa! That kid has taken a licken and keeps on ticken. OFF THE CHAIN THAT ONE! I've noticed though, when I have more patience with him he seems to have more with me. You have to know Cayden to know what this means.

I haven't ever flown alone, I've never slept in a bed alone. I can count on my hand how many nights I've been away from my kids. Cayden, two nights when I went to a tournament in San Diego last year with the other boys. Can you tell how much I'm looking forward to getting away for a few days. The thought has actually calmed me the last few days. I feel good. Really good.


March Madness!

Few More Days, Lets get this show on the Road!!!!

My final four - LOUISVILLE, DUKE, SYRACUSE AND MEMPHIS...MEMPHIS TAKES IT ALL THIS YEAR FOLKS. I'm disappointed that St. Marys didn't get in, they should have. Arizona shouldn't have. UCLA continues to the 3rd round before Duke smashes them. Gonzaga gets killed by NC in the 3rd round as well. Memphis takes down Cal and Kansas barely beats out Michigan State. What do you think? Let me know folks!


St. Mary's of Stockton #1 in Northern California

What a game that came down to the VERY LAST SHOT! First the boys do it in football and the girls follow up in basketball! Congrats Lady Rams! One team to beat to claim your victory as State Champions! Inglewood High is NOT READY!!!


Friday Fill - In

And...here we go!

1. When I look to the left, I see a load of laundry that needs to be done today.

2. Twin B's bedroom is the room that has the best view in my home.

3. Let it work so that everyone is happy and content.

4. Get it done dirt cheap!

5. Voting is a responsibility that all qualified citizens must share.

6. If you have any advice feel free to keep it to yourself.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to fried fish, tomorrow my plans include getting my hair done (I think) and watching Saint Mary's girls win the championship at Arco and Sunday, I want to hear a good sermon and get some housework done!

To participate in Friday Fill - Ins Click

Busy Nesha

If you don't know me in real life yet then I have a question for you. Someone far away is saying "I have an answer for you". Do you say my name "Nesha" as in -short e-

If so, then you are saying it's wrong. It's sounds like Neesha. But it's not spelled that way so when I send you a personal email and you KNOW ME then please take the time to look at my email address before you reply, Hi Neesha.

Okay, enough of that, I'm feeling silly today!

I'm up late today but I feel good with lots to do. I've been summoned to Texas earlier then expected. The world thinks I've gone a little crazy so I guess I'm going on a little mini R&R. Turns out I'll be flying out in about another week to go see my mommy and daddy. Yes that is what I call them to any and everyone. My mommy says she is cooking all my favorites and I plan to sleep in their bed right between them like always...but only until they fall asleep because they have SNORE WARS! Those two sound like a mini rap concert during the night. Once they fall asleep I'm off to the guest room which I know my mommy has made up like a little hotel with a million pillows...aawwww can't wait!

In the meantime I'm feeling a little superwomanish as I begin to make the list of all there is to do while I'm gone. The time chart of the days events and plans seems to be growing. Emails flying are flying of what needs to be done by this person and this person and this person while I'm gone. I'm the KING OF THE WORLD!

Okay, Okay, I'm putting a bit much on it because the list isn't that long but only because I'm such a control freak I REFUSE to let anyone do certain things that I must do myself to insure they get done correctly. The only demands I've made so far is that the boys don't eat McDonalds every night and that CJ is not left standing alone with the yard duty to be the last child picked up after school.

...and now the count down begins



Words I Hate - Writer's Block At It's Best

So because I'm having a rather wierd day and don't feel like writing about what I'm actually going through, willing to discuss or go into write now I thought I'd put up a list of WORDS I HATE. In my particular order :

any form of bowl movement words such as (boo boo, caca or doodoo) all ick me.
snatch (EEEWWW)
discharge (my skin is crawling just typing it)
alrighty then (hate that phrase)
cute (what a disgusting word)
biatch (who made up this idiotic word, it's overused too)
anything that ends in "izzle or izzy (for-sheezy, my neezy) don't know? ask your kid
nigga ( a or er...all the same to me and all horrible)
hubby, hubster, wifey
surfing the net
"at the end of the day"
"Its all good"

Got some? Feel free to add yours...

UPDATE *March 13th* Hate is such an ugly word, however I "dislike" to delete posts so I'll leave this for now.


Put Your Money Where Your Mouth is Courtney!

I love it! Courtney Paris says she will bet it all!
The All-American senior recently told Sooner fans that if OU doesn't win the national championship this year, she will pay back her scholarship ... all $64,000 of it.

"We're gonna win a national championship. If we don't, which is not even an option, just to put something on the line - and it might take me the rest of my life - I will pay back my scholarship because I didn't do what I said I was going to do."

The guarantee is admirable, if, perhaps, foolhardy. Oklahoma has had a great season and will be a favorite to make the Final Four. If they make it that far though, they'll be big underdogs as Geno Auriemma's undefeated Connecticut squad is said to be one of his best ever. Considering he's won five titles, that's saying something.

In addition, WNBA rookies make around $50,000 per season, with stars bringing in a little over $100,000. (And this presupposes that the WNBA will still be around next year.) If she actually intends to pay back the money, those payments might be hard to come by. (Maybe she'll hit-up her father for the dough. Bubba Paris played eight years in the NFL and won three Super Bowl rings with the San Francisco 49ers.)

Paris said that if they don't win she'll feel like she didn't earn her scholarship. That's where she's wrong. She's the greatest player in Oklahoma history and maybe even Big 12 history too. She was named first-team All-American as a freshman. One year later she won national player of the year honors. On Monday, she won her third straight Big 12 player of the year award. And starting next week, she'll lead the Sooners into the NCAA tournament as a No. 1 seed.

If anything, the $64,000 Oklahoma gave Courtney Paris in tuition was a bargain.


Turning Lemons Into Lemonade

Just some thinking off top -
Being a child of God I realize that one absolute spiritual key to effective self-mastery and Self-Realization is the ability to turn lemons into lemonade. I know that life will not always go according to my preferences. When there are only super strong preferences, we are happy no matter what happens. We still want our preferences met but our happiness is not based on achieving them.

As a student of the Word I also understand that from GOD's perspective everything that happens is positive and should be looked at as a gift. The proper attitude to everything in life is "Not my will but Thine will be done". No matter what happens in life no matter how horrific the example, this is the proper attitude. God says to "Welcome adversity." It's just so hard sometimes to struggle through welcoming the bad things because somehow they are suppose to make me a better person. From GOD's perspective there are no accidents in the universe and everything happens for a reason. The reason is always to Spiritually teach a lesson that needs to be learned.

I do feel as if the sometimes the "negative" things that happen are caused from personal karma. That's a whole other subject though. The truth is it doesn't matter why it happened or where it came from, if it happened, you can be assured that the lesson was needed for some reason and the proper attitude is to welcome it, accept it and look at it as a gift. If I would only believe what I type.

We can respond from our lower self or our Higher Self. We can respond from unconditional love or from fear. We can respond from separation or from oneness. This has been a life long struggle for me. It seems as if my life has been often been filled with a barrage of lemons at once. Not to say that I haven't had sweet and perfect lemonade in between. The question is will I turn the bad into lemonade or will I keep tasting the bitter taste of the lemon. I know this is all governed by my attitude and perspective. I do know that no matter what happens in life and no matter how bad the occurrence, it is my responsibility to turn that experience into lemonade. It's just so hard to stay focused sometimes when the lemon has squirked it's juice in my eye.

I was re-reading the the story of Job in my bible this weekend. This story tells how a man loses everything, and I mean everything, but ultimately turns it into a Spiritual test of his "Righteousness" in believing in GOD. Job's statement in the Bible is one of my favorite quotes where he says: "Naked I come from my mother's womb, and naked shall I leave. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord." I had to remind myself of this on many occasions when I have been asked to give up certain things. No matter what happens in my life the key is to "Focus on what I can do instead of what I can't do!"

I read somewhere that a person who has an optimistic positive attitude will ultimately remain so no matter what happens in their life. A person with a negative, pessimistic attitude will find a way to feel unhappy even if outwardly things are going well. I've realized that the world is nothing more than a projection screen for our attitudes and interpretations.

I know I'm getting a bit religious but if I can curse with no shame I have to be able to rejoice in my Lord. Making lemonade out of lemons. Jesus did this well. He knew that when he was on the cross "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." Jesus saw this situation as a Spiritual test and lesson in forgiveness, and demonstrated this understanding in a most extreme situation.
We've all heard "this is a blessing in disguise". I'm making lemonade out of lemons.

Nesha On Sports

Couple things have me caught up lately...couldn't come at a better time. Right before the start of March Madness! I love this season!

In Order of my greatest this week:

1. Anthony Brock missed his flight from Little Rock, Ark., to Knoxville on Saturday after attending his grandmother’s funeral. Good thing he didn’t miss the game. Brock hit a desperation 3-pointer at the buzzer to secure Alabama’s 70-67 upset of Tennessee on Sunday. The coaching staff had a flight for him and he missed it so he drove ALL NIGHT to get there.

The Vols had grabbed a 67-65 lead on a fastbreak dunk with 1:43 left. Alabama called hit a jumper from the free-throw line to tie the game at 67 with 1:15 left.The Vols ran the clock down, and the game appeared headed to overtime. Brock dribbled through traffic out of Alabama’s timeout and hit the game-winning shot—his only of the second half—as he tripped near the top of the key. Grandma was watching over her baby!

2. Saint Mary's of Stockton Continues their domination. Although I wish the boys were just a bit better (I have a feeling they will be in the upcoming years), the girls are ROLLIN!! They started off the 2008-2009 year ranked No. 1 in the country. After a few mishaps they fell quite a ways but have battled back to No. 21 according to ESPN, and No. 5 in California. Friday night they crushed the Sacramento Dragons to win Saint Marys 10th Section Championship in girls basketball and now the battle is on to be the best in Northern California. I have a feeling this is our year to take the State Championship. Fight on Rams!

Pictured above are Afure Jemerigbye and Chelsea Gray both ranked as Top 10 Juniors in the country.

3. Delta Fastbreak opens the season 2-0! So our little team opens the season in the Tice Valley League leading the pack. The boys have been hard at work since the high school season ended a few weeks ago. Hard work paid off on Sunday as Fastbreak fell right back into the flow of things. Although they had a few fouls, couple turn overs here and there, they stepped it up. First beating Vallejo High followed by the Diablo Valley Tarheels which was a AAU team with combination of stars from around the bay area. Nice work guys!


All Things "Nesha"

So as I continue to struggle for a positive outlook on life, I realize what I want, I simply don't know how to get there. It's as if I refuse to "Trust the Process". I realize that in order for me to find happiness and self-fulfillment "loved ones" may get hurt but I hate to see anyone I love hurt. I know that this stage in my life has to be about me, otherwise the years to come are going to suck! I have to be a better person for Nesha to feel as if I too am getting something out of this life.

I NEED to learn to be comfortable in my skin. I realize that in order for me to put on my face I have to feel pretty but it really doesn't mattr how you look. I need to be able to get out of bed in the morning, put my feet on the floor, breath easy and know that it's going to be OK...no matter what. That...to me is Peace of Mind. I want that, because it is that thing that helps me to sleep at night.

I HAVE to get honest with MYSELF about what works for me and what DOES NOT work for me. I'm trying to surround myself with people that truly love me, support me, care for me and inspire me to be a better person and get through this process. Even if that means only myself sometimes. I read somewhere that many people that come into your life are simply spectators. That is so true. They don't contribute anything.
Not that they necessarily want to see you fail, but they are content to not see you do ANYTHING at all.

In 2009 I need to learn the importance of being FEARLESS! I talk about being fearless but I am afraid of many things. I want to be fearless. Know that no matter what, it WILL be okay. Being fearless is being faithful.

Until next time!


Mr. Paul Does It Again

Getting my Tomboy on. Don't deny that this is BY FAR the best point guard in the league. NUFF SAID!

Friday Fill - In

And...here we go!

1. Saving someone's seat in the backed DMV was my last random act of kindness.

2. Another place I rather be right now is having a massage by Kim with Y.

3. It's all about honesty in matters of the heart.

4. Coffee, tea or room temperature water.

5. We are destined for separate paths.

6. Our children reminds me that there is hope for the future.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a long hot bath and a shot of Grey Goose, tomorrow my plans include painting the white doors in my house a fresh coat of white and Sunday, I want to see my boys and their team kick butt in their first game of the AAU season!

to participate in Friday Fill - In...click here


The Power Of Positive Thinking

When you are not having a great day...WILL IT!!!

I am...and so here are some pics to get me through it! Love to you all. Think positive!


5 Factor Personality Test

You are Extroverted, Conscientious and Neurotic


You have medium extroversion.

You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.

Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.

But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time".


You have medium conscientiousness.

You're generally good at balancing work and play.

When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.

But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.


You have low agreeableness.

Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all.

In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted.

And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently.


You have medium neuroticism.

You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.

Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.

Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is low.

You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable.

You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea.

While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.

unfortunately I find it hard to disagree with most of this personality test. Some things are sad but true. I wish I could change the trusting part but alas. That is me to the T. I definetly would rather be at the party than be the center of the party. I prefer to sit at a table in the corner and watch with the same drink in my hand all night. The hibernation thing is definetly me. Could there be anything better in the world than being in the house on a raining day near the fireplace watching sportscenter. I honestly wish that I could disagree with the self interest. As I get older this becomes more of a reality for me. Neuroticism is so dead on!!! Mostly I'm cool and collected but sometimes small worries keep me up at night...all night. Now imagine how I react when major drama happens. I'm a walking zombie! Boring is fine with me...it's Nesha. I have walls that are Spanish Sand, boring brown furniture, neutral clothing, and wear about 3 pieces of the same jewelry day after day. It's safe for me. However - I"m still thinking of going outside my comfort zone and splurging on some Boes headphones...lol

just me...thinking outloud

I'm tired this week. I feel like crawling under the covers and not coming out for awhile but it's time to put on the face. You know the face. The face that says all is well in my "perfect world". It's draining sometimes. I'm sure for others who have to do the same, but at this moment I feel as if it's only me... alone.

What do you do when you feel as if the weight of the entire world is on your shoulders and you can't drag yourself through not even one more day? Me, I tend to dress it up...way up. Tighten my ponytail or play with my hair in the mirror until I have big flowing body curls, or either I pluck the hell out of my eyebrows until I say "oh shit, that's gonna take two weeks to fix", sit in hotwater until I'm wrinkled or through the headphones on and close my eyes. More often I put on my prettiest makeup, my "damn I look good in these jeans" outfit, and basically keep it moving and smile at everyone I come in contact with. What else would I do? It's far better than walking around looking as if you can't "handle it" right. Someone told me I always appear to be in control. Good, then it's working! They are all fooled.

Lately, I've felt as if the fight is just not in me though. As if I've been beaten down too many times to get up and survive the next round. Mothers can't give up though. Honestly - I think the saddest thing is a mother who shows that she has given up because if nothing else, my boys truly give me a reason to wake up in the morning. Over the years I've seen friends and acquaintances let someone else take the motherhood reigns, via grandmother, father, etc. I just couldn't wake up and not see their faces each morning simply because "I'd grown too tired".

My thoughts seem to consume me now. They are simply all over the place...truly! This song fits, this movie fits, this poem fits, what did that person mean, what about this, what about that....gggrrr! Enough to drive me mad and it seems my only relief is a blog, undrafted or not.