I'm on Time Out

May I admit an uncomfortable truth about myself to you all this morning?

I, NW -Powerful Beyond Measure, am easily influenced.

It doesn’t seem that way, does it? Especially because I’m always waxing poetic about following my own path and not caring what others think. Yes, this is the way that I live my life, but I never said that the influences of the outside world do not enter my mind.

Last night, I was watching Entourage and somehow what should have been another of many good television-watching experiences turned into a full-blown attack on my self-esteem. It was an internal dialogue I’ve had so many times that I could probably recite it backward:

Look at these guys, charging through Hollywood and pursuing their dreams at full-speed. Even when things go bad, do they freak out and quit? No, they stay positive and keep pushing forward. They’re not whining about mental illnesses and why they can’t do it, they just get it done. That’s why your butt is thirty-seven years old, sitting here, and watching this from cowtown USA. For all of your so-called intellect, talent, and charisma, it’s all wasted potential because you’re too weak to make something real of yourself.

Once again battered by the malicious bully in my head, I ended up in tears.

Normally, I would have taken this rant in my head and used it as inspiration to start some new habit or venture that would magically transform me back into the gung-ho “I want to rule the world” girl I was at twenty-five.

But this is what I’ve had to learn: every thought I have isn’t a truth. Every emotion doesn’t deserve an action; especially when you have a mind such as mine that can and will turn against you in a heartbeat. So I sat, in the middle of my bed and let the tears fall until a voice of reason (I like to think it’s the God in me) spoke up.

First of all, when did fame become part of our definition of success? Remember we said our first priority will always be peace of mind? And how are you wasting your talent if you’re school, playing Superwoman, as fit as you've been in your life, running this, doing that, creating this and that? And why are you comparing yourself to fictional TV characters? And why are you acting like your life is over once you hit 40? Stop. You’re trippin.

I exhaled, the tears stopped, and I felt a little better.

The truth is that I’m still wrestling with living my truth. I have a vision for my life. One that is quiet and simple, but it makes me smile when I think of it, so it’s fulfilling. It’s just difficult, sometimes, to hold on to that when the world demands that you move faster, be bigger, and never be satisfied.

Still, I’m proud to say that I win a small battle in the war to control my mind everyday. Who knows? One day, I just might master this whole thing and in my own mind rule the world.


I caught my blood boiling today while listening to commentators like Steve Young, spew their "knowledge" regarding just how smart they believe Cam is not.  Reality is if this kid was "lighter" there wouldn't be a problem in the world with his past issues.  The media would say...he's a kid, he was young, his daddy is stupid, that has nothing to do with him. Instead you hate you cause you ain't me. You hate me cause I went to a JC first and did my thing, then transferred and did my thing, and finally went to Auburn and did the DAMN thing, point blank. You hate me cause I am the the alpha male, the BLACK KEN DOLL! 6"6, good hands, good feet, Adonis with a great smile and I'll make more more than you've ever seen. That's the reality of it. deal with it!  Cam's daddy thinks highly of his kid. He said what many others think "all that money my son making for ya'll, he should be getting paid", so what...he said it...DAMMIT! AND? What's that got to do with his son? His son made some early mistakes...just cause he isn't Grant Hill who never made a mistake in his life, and you have been perfect and lived straight your entire life. Everybody's story doesn't start out that way. Yeah, I said Grant Hill...ya hurd me!
"I was very immature during my early career playing college football. I will be the first person to say I wasn't ready to play football at the time. And I was too naive to even think that way, but now I'm looking back at it. I wasn't ready to play football during the time I was at Florida," he said.
Stop sitting and judging people that you don't have nothing to do wit'.  You mad cause your sperm didn't produce no million dollar babies? Don't be mad! Be happy..now you get to sit and hope he messes up every Sunday. Go Get 'em Cam

Stop hating


Not Quitting

In mid-2010, I set a goal. In summary, I set this goal for the following reasons:

*To practice discipline, faith and resilience
*To have a testimony to inspire others
*To have the kind of physique you don't see everyday i.e. differentiate myself
*To change a destructive pattern that I've struggled with for a long time (quitting!)

The first three reasons all support the fourth development goal to break hindering patterns in my life. I've been equally afraid of success and failure for as long as I can remember. I have sabotaged and talked myself out of so many things with my destructive behavior and negative thinking. The health and fitness goals I have for my body and the corresponding requirements are teaching me so much about myself. Historically, when I'd see some growth, I'd gradually start slacking off with my routine. Why do we stop doing things when we clearly see that they are working?? Well, sometimes we're afraid that we won't be able to maintain a consistent, high level of success. It's like being in a relationship where things are good, and it scares us so we sabotage it by acting up before something bad happens. Somehow we feel that we'd rather be in control by ruining it ourselves rather than something outside of our control ruining it. It's backwards, but for many of us, it's a standard method of operation.
Many times when we quit, we don't admit to ourselves that we've quit. We just stop doing the things we need to do. We fall back into old habits and tell ourselves that things will be different this time. We tell ourselves that we're not ready. We have all the excuses in the world. What's changed for me is that I've bumped my head up against the wall for so long trying to make progress with nothing but defeat on my mind, that I have no other choice but to acknowledge that quitting doesn't work for me. It doesn't boost my self-esteem; it damages it. It doesn't make me feel safe anymore; it scares me. Quitting scares me more than failure. I'll take failure any day because it means that I'm alive and I'm making the most of my life and I'm trying. I don't want to just exist, and I don't want my movements through life to be fearful and/or oblivious. Give me determination, patience and purpose.

Hey, maybe that's it. Maybe purpose is what makes the difference. When you're truly passionate about something, you simply can't quit. The pathway can take unexpected turns, and you can end up here instead of there but that purpose remains. Purpose is the only juice you need to keep going.

While I used to believe that it was a long shot for me to ever grow a viewable muscle, I now have no doubt in my mind that I will reach that goal this year. It's only a matter of time and discipline.
Things I keep reminding myself:
*Remember that everything you set your intention to do is about your experiences along the way, not the end result.
*Only commit yourself to things that you believe in with your heart and soul.
*Everytime you make a decision about what to do next, ask yourself if this is the same thing the "old you" would have done. If it is, do the opposite.
*If you fall off, don't abort the whole mission. Pick right back up where you left off as if you never fell off in the first place. For example, if you ate poorly on Monday, don't use it as excuse to not stick to your diet on Tuesday. Get right back on track.
*Visualize. Not just the end result, but also visualize what you want to get out of the experience and imagine the feelings you will feel when you see things through.

Doing my best to hit that number #1 spot.



So I had this conversation, one that is hard for me in which I tell those I love everything that is going on with my life. I don't have many people I can talk to in this way, most get the chalk talk, the top surface..you know...kids, life, how everyone is doing and I say fine because I know you don't REALLY want to know, its just the right thing to say. Every now and then I get to get it ALL out! I'm thankful for those moments. Probably the most fulfilling is knowing that the receiver is completely listening and understanding. I'm grateful.

This is one of the reasons I began to write. Part of the reason that a lot of writers write is to exercise control. Life can be chaotic, but when you put that pen on paper, you are in control of the words. You craft the beginning, middle and end. You become the Supreme Creator and changing destiny is as simple as hitting “delete.”

It’s easy to forget that we have similar control in our real lives. While we can’t always control what happens to us we can always write our own endings. Ultimately, we determine the arc of our lives. And the story can end one of two ways: the main character prevails or the main character fails.

I have no interest in writing a Shakespearean life for myself.

I so often need to be reminded that I am not a victim or prisoner of my circumstances. I get so caught up in the settings sometimes that I overlook the plot. I know how this story ends. The heroine will prevail.

I’m prone to so many artistic stereotypes. I’m moody. Temperamental. Insecure about my process. Sometimes I have to stop in the middle of the script and ask “Who is this woman? What does she want? How will she get it?”

But if I can hold on to that vision of the ending and trust in my creative ability to write the heroine out of whatever murky waters she may find herself in, then the happy ending will remain intact.The characters and the settings may change. But the ending doesn’t have to.

I will not lose.


Memo to self

This post will probably be brief and a little vague. I’m working some stuff out.

I’ve been fighting some things, a little stress this last week. There are some things in my life that have thrown me off of my game a little. I’ve been pissed, confused, melancholy, excited, mystified, felt vulnerable, incapable and again confused. My usual MO is to shut down and go within when I’m feeling out of sorts. I’m hard-headed. I hate advice and I’ve found that venting/complaining/discussing some of the uncomfortable circumstances of your life often leads to hearing views and opinions. Being the hardheaded capricorn that I am, I know what I need to do but my head and heart want to fight it. If I have yet to make a firm decision about my direction, new insight rarely helps.

I have the kind of mind that rarely forgets and so “not caring what people say” is easier said that done. It’s a gift that I believe I was given to accompany my gift of writing. It’s my purpose to record and recount. It’s easier to do that with a sharp, clear memory. The curse side of this is that it makes moving on particularly difficult. Hard to stay in the present when the past is in HD right in the front of your mind.

I’m still fighting battles in conversations I had months, weeks, days ago.

Memo to self: Leave it alone



Welcome, Friday. I've thought about you all week and your presentation did not disappoint: 72 degrees, sunny and pleasant. April is a very demanding month during the week, so I'm living for the weekends to catch my breath.
A blog reader asked that  I share 7 facts about myself, so I tried to think of things that you wouldn't already know. Here it goes:

*I'm 5'7" and have really long arms, legs, feet, fingers and toes. Really long.

*I sleep with the tv on ALL NIGHT
*I love full body massages more than anything!.

*I love Reese's peanut butter cups and miss them so much.

*I eat sweet potatoes and tuna a lot right now. Not necessarily together. I think I could live off of those two things though.

*I love movies anything Jada Pinkett, Ray Allen and Kobe Bryant.

*I constantly battle self esteem, but I'm working on it.

 I love to save affirmations, excerpts, quotes, scriptures, and any and everything that inspires me or triggers a significant train of thought. It's a great way to stay inspired and make sure you don't forget those spontaneous ideas that pop up.

Here are some things I captured this week:
"You know when you listen to music playing from another room? And you're singing along because it's a tune that you really love? When a door closes or a train passes by so you can't hear the music anymore, but you sing along anyway...then, no matter how much time passes, when you hear the music again, you're still in the exact same time with it. That's what love is like." ~Found this written in an old journal. I don't know who wrote it made me smile.
"Many of us squander precious natural resources - time, creative energy, emotion - comparing the size of our talents to those of others. Today, ask Spirit to call forth your authentic gifts, so that you might know them, acknowledge them, and own them. Do you want to live more abundantly? Have you buried your talents? How can we live richer, deeper, and more passionately if we aren't willing to invest in ourselves? Many of us have played it safe for too long and wonder why we are miserable. Playing it safe is the riskiest choice we can ever make."

~Simple Abundance, Sarah Ban Breathnach
"Discovering who I was and what made me tick also required that I listen to people's criticisms. You can imagine how easy that was for me. Normally, when someone criticized me, I'd feel bad and run around trying to get people to see things my way. In the process, I didn't always tell the truth about what the person said in the first place, which eventually got back to that person and then I'd be in a whole great big mess. When I was afraid that someone wasn't going to like me or was going to be mad at me or leave me, I'd lie. I'd say whatever I thought I needed to say to keep someone from being angry with me or from leaving me. I didn't know it then, but now I understand that I did these things out of fear."

~Doorways of Support and Inspiration, Iyanla Vanzant


Your Heart is Not Broken

I am not the one to give relationship advice. This is because, in my opinion I have a certain bit of immaturity when it comes to love and relationships, still at my age.  I feel everyone is entitled to a certain level of cluelessness about life in general. I’m just figuring things out along the way. However, as a consumer of Black Female Media I am bombarded with our obsession with relationships. It’s constant. And I’m sorry to say, but it’s also rather annoying.

Like many of you, I have read the magazine articles, run out to get the dating books (I practically broke down the door to Borders to get my copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” and the Stevie Harvey Saga) and had the roundtable discussions with both my male and female friends about the current state of relationships. You know what I figured out? None of that mess works. At least not for me or many of my friends.

It took for my life to take some pretty drastic emotional turns (turns that didn’t have anything to do with my love life) for me to realize that the only way that I would gain any wisdom about life and love was to let myself go through it. Some may look at that decision and say “Okay, Nesh. You’re real reckless with your emotions.” But I do not agree. When you go through a difficult time in life, you learn where your true strength lies: your heart. Contrary to popular belief, your heart never breaks or leads you down the “wrong path.” Your heart is all knowing and all trusting, which means that it will not lead you into any situation that it’s not strong enough to see you through. When relationships don’t work out, the first thing we say is “My heart is broken.” Your heart is fine. It’s your ego that’s shattered and on the floor.

Your heart said “I love this person” and your mind said “I have to make this last.” When it ends, it’s your mind that cannot accept that it’s over. Your mind needs a reason, or better yet, it needs someone to blame. It has to be someone’s fault. Were you not pretty, smart, freaky, submissive, aggressive, honest, loving, strong enough? Was he “not worth anything?” Was it those trifling hoes of the world tempting him away from your goodness? Why didn’t it work out? Meanwhile, your heart says, “Who said it didn’t work out? We got what we needed from that experience. We will be fine.” You’re so preoccupied with your analysis that you cannot hear your heart saying “Hellloooo! Didn’t you hear me say I’m fine?”

Right now, I can honestly say that I am blissfully happy. And it got to be that way once I stopped obsessing over how to hold on and just let it flow. I stopped trying to label it or control it or predict it. I stopped dogging it out when things weren’t going my way. I stopped seeking advice. I instead put all of my energy into enjoying every single moment of life that I can.
God Bless

Feeling It

Just something I found...I like it





Arika Kane's song...Here With Me
the headliners at 2011 Essence Music Festival(bucket list)
my ever-growing laid-back demeanor (proud of me)
my changing figure
emails asking me to write more blog posts
morning calls from my mommy
how horny this song makes me
A's on my assignments
-ending in sight to the kid's school year
this song...eering lyrics...feels me
tanning...its shorts season


bad april fools day jokes
I love you, just to say it
small waste baskets lined w/ large trash bags
people who post stupid youtubes
people who cannot answer simple questions
they don't make videos like this anymore
Lakers not playing well right now
when teachers seduce students
rihanna still cannot dance
my kids always need money


New Music..new favorite

While watching tv the other night I fell in love with this song. Decided to share. Her voice is hypnotizing and the words intoxicating. Welcome Miss Arika Kane.


5 words or less in a line

haven't done this in a while but here goes....

a lot going on
i'm sensitive lately
I've had a headache
14 weeks to go
I stay hungry
I haven’t given up
but I’m EXTREMELY nervous
yall pray for me
I love Top Chef
and all food shows
Ive starting just drinking
the egg white instead of
cooking it, Rocky Style
cooking only vegetables requires thought
it also takes planning
and quietly explore

I love some NCAA
Go VCU - underdog cheerleader
almost shorts season
can't wait!

In Another World

Would you describe yourself as an extrovert or introvert? It's no surprise that I have a hard time identifying with just one or the other. I'm very self-reflective - always preoccupied with my dreams, visions and thoughts. I require some quiet time to myself; otherwise, I start to feel overwhelmed. And yet, I'm very friendly and outgoing. I like to connect with good people. I tend to take a leadership role in small groups. I'm always paying attention to the emotional currents in my environment like - who was just offended by a comment, who feels uncomfortable to speak but wants to be heard, who's being overbearing and needs to be buffered, etc. My conscious naturally seeks to maintain peace and balance wherever I go. Sometimes I'm so busy noticing the energy and the body language around me that I totally tune out of the conversation. As a result, I often feel like I'm in a different world than everyone else. I suppose we all feel that way for one reason or another.