Sometimes it’s necessary to simply allow people to move through your life. Getting in the way of whatever their purpose was/is is akin to getting in the way of yourself. Regardless of the duration of their stay, there's always a lesson to be learned from their arrival. Grasp the lesson.
Sometimes outwardly, but usually subconsciously, I’ve found myself attempting to control or ruminating over the roles individuals play in my life – determining their relevance and at times feeling spiteful. Neither activity is progressive and neither have sharpened my understanding/clarified a decision on how to handle him/her. Both have saddled my mind and spirit with the kind of heavy, unnerving load that misfortune will often heap upon you.
But so far, so good.
Epiphanies happen most often when I choose to loosen my grip on what’s to be expected of life. More recently, I’d begun to question my value in the hearts of those I’ve allowed into my circle. I question it, exhibit reactionary behavior as a result of it (whether it be direct, evasive, passive-aggressive), and then settle in to question why any of “what they feel about me” matters. On several occasions, to my embarrassment, I find that their interest or regard had never shifted to begin with. Easily making real the fear of a sort of unrequited respect, unrequited love.
Long ago, I came back in contact with girl I’d had one of the most tumultuous connections with. It’s been six years since speaking with her and before allowing a conversation to ensue, I had to calm what deep-seated concerns I had. She could easily be considered one of those friends who shook my faith in friendships. Nevertheless, I allowed the line of conversation to take place with subtle trepidation and to my surprise, she seemed to have changed her disruptive ways. Her one frustration was that I cut off contact with her without explanation. A frustration she’d have to get over, and by the close of the conversation, she did. Since, I’ve allowed the friendship to do whatever it’s suppose to do – maintaining boundaries, but thinking very little of it’s direction and development. With my worrying mind, it’s best.
In short, and with regard to the title of this one, it’s become much more easy to love those who love me, care for those who care for me and focus on those individuals. Not in a selfish way or to a neurotic degree, but allowing those friends & family who want to feed you, feed you. And in the interim, when they have been called to tend to the needs of other significant parties/forces in their lives, make productive my time alone (as I do so well). Should the connection dissipate, very simply, our time together was up.
Two tears in a bucket...lol