Do Nice Guys REALLY Finish Last?
Dwayne Cleophus Wayne was a nice guy and he captured the hearts of ice queen Whitley Gilbert AND a nation of future HBCU alumnae. Why? Because he was also smart, cute and funny. And he had the coolest glasses in the history of coolness. Dwayne Wayne was a math geek with swag and I’ve seen a few real life versions of this dude win in real life as well. The fact that they were nice didn’t hold them back; in fact, it kept them from getting big headed about the fact that they could pull a good number of quality women.
Before I continue, I WILL acknowledge that there are some women who like a-holes. In addition to that, there is a confusion about authentic manhood amongst Black folks that does have some sisters searching for a man with “thug appeal”. From my observations, this is the exception and not the rule. So while I will hold this group of women accountable for their desires and however flawed they may be, they don’t render the rest of what I’m finna say invalid. Mmmkay?
When I hear a man complain that he’s being passed over because he’s a nice guy, I usually observe these as the REAL reasons for his romantic failings:
1) He’s Physically Unappealing: I have had it up to here with men who look like they are in their third trimester, dressed in someone’s uncle’s church clothes, talmbout why sisters pass over a good man such as themselves. These same men have no problem talking about a woman’s physique or what kind of girls get no love from them. Gentlemen: welcome to reality, sometimes it’s hard. Women care what you look like, how you dress and in many cases, how tall you are. We are superficial just like you. There is only so much competing you can do with what nature gave you. But while you can’t make yourself taller or more handsome, you can be well-groomed, good smelling and nicely dressed. You can also work out and eat well. If you are unwilling to do ALL of these things, I am wholly unsympathetic to your plight and I would tell a woman the same thing. It’s not about changing who you are to conform or spending hours trying to have a “perfect” body. It’s about being an adult and taking care of yourself. Good looking women want good looking men. Unless you are looking for a schlubby, unstylish woman with little attention to her appearance…I’d suggest you don’t present yourself that way.
2) He’s Shooting In The Wrong Direction: Marginal candidates don’t always land exceptional catches. You might be kinda cute, but the chick you got “dissed” by is drop dead gorgeous and thus had access to some men of higher quality (real or percieved). You might not be as intelligent or interesting as this woman fancies herself or as the other men she meets. You might be trying to get at a woman who’s got it going on, but you haven’t provided adequate evidence that you are "catch". Beyond that, you might be a GREAT guy, but you are pitching outside of the demographic that is likely to want you.
3) He’s Got No Personality: If someone uses nice as the main descriptor for you…that’s something you might want to look at. “Nice” isn’t enough when it comes to shopping for a man and I doubt it does much for women either. Sure, you’re nice…but are you funny? Are you intelligent? Do you tell good stories? Have interesting things to say? Are you fun to be around? ‘Cause women are looking for those things. I’d wager most men are too. I don’t know how long a brother would be interested in a cute woman who was kind-hearted, but had the personality of a small potted plant.
4) He’s A Pushover/Lacks Confidence: The word “swagger” has gotten annoying, I know. But it works so well when describing that certain thing men have that drive women wild. There is something remarkibly appealing about a man who belives in himself. I’m not talking about delusional dickishness, but confidence. Furthermore, if you not only seem to lack self-esteem, but also appear ripe for the taking advantage of…women probably WILL give you that treatment. We want to be adored, but not smothered. We want respect, not total submission. And like men, we do sometimes enjoy a little bit of a challenge. Human beings are attracted to a certain level of confusion and doubt. Sounds crazy, but I believe it to be true. If a man seems like he will go for the okey doke, he’s probably not sending off the protector-provider scent a lot of women look for. He may seem week or defenseless and while there is undoubtebly a market for that, I can say with confidence that most women ain’t buying there.
Ideally “nice” IS something people would call you. BUT, if they can’t come up with much else, then the 50 Cents and Allen Iversons of the world are not the reason you can’t find a woman. It’s great to be “nice” and don’t ever lose your good heart to please any woman. But, if you find that you can’t find a girl despite all your sweetness, I’d suggest looking at some of the other things you might want to improve as well. And you can blame all your romantic disappointments on women who want “bad boys” as much as the average woman can blame hers on men who want to date models. Black women are the only one told to “settle” when it comes to love, as far as I know. It seems like most everyone else is told to shoot for the moon in hopes of at least landing a star. Whomever you are, if you are aiming that high, then make sure you got your rocket ship in order.