So I made some promises to myself at the beginning of the year. One of those was that I would not be caught up in depression, remorse, misery, tears and lies in 2010. I promised myself no matter what I would be happy above all. Well, we are 5 days from June and this pity party has continued...until yesterday. Sunday night I woke up and realized that I am the most miserable person alive. The star in my self-victimization (is that a word?) movie is me. My loved ones have told me this in arguments and for some reason this week it's rang so true to me....poor me. I'm not sure if it's the vicodin, the penicillin, the flexerall or the Advil but somewhere in my deep sleep I was pinched wide awake.

I am the reason for ALLL of this. Real or Imagined, I've made this bed. I'll have to lay in it now. I've changed lives. Mostly my own with my "poor me" attitude. I can't make it right, I can't only do my best to mend the wreckage.  Happiness truly comes from within. It is truly vain to demand of others when we aren't happy with ourselves. Faith always restores Happiness. I have Faith in this process. I'll be away for awhile. I need to mend some things and some people.  I can't write at this point in my life. It would be hopeless and continue the train wreck. Fact is, I've already shared too much. I realize this. Last night I shed this miserable carcase of the Old Nesha and today I've started new. I'm doing my best God. Throw me a little rope here. Funny I should say that when the only reason things haven't ended worse than they currently are now is because of God. Last night I listened to Marvin Sapp tell me that "He saw the Best in Me, when everyone else could only see the worst in me". I've listened to it a million times but last night was different. It rings loud and clear. It's always been there. HE has always been there. I just haven't listened, haven't appreciated and been a spoiled bitch. God gave me everything I asked for many years ago down on my knees, pregnant in a dark room alone. When I received it, it came too fast and I had no idea what to do with it. At this point the world doesn't really matter to me. They will think whatever they want. I don't owe anyone anything. I only owe the people that live in this house.  To the others that will judge I say, "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones". I need to surround myself with people who will love me when I'm 80, wrinkled and have a walker. Very few people that I feel matter now will be around months from now anyway, so why do we care what they think.  It's because we don't want to look stupid, eat our words, look like we aren't in control. (All of that is what I've cared about in the past, I don't now). It will be work, but I know it will be so much freeing to not care what others think or say.

When asked what do I want, I realized I keep giving the same answer "complete happiness". It's standing right in front of me and I've refused to reach my hand out for it even though a million times it's reached it's hand out to me. I've slapped it, spit on it, kicked it to the curb. I've decided to make many changes in order to get there and the first is me. People are in charge of their own happiness as well as their own sadness. I intend on being happy under any and all circumstances. I may be disappointed at times but I know it is within my own power to control how I feel.

Best Wishes to all. I will return soon,

Powerful Beyond Measure

1 comment:

  1. awaiting your return. Your writing is uplifting and good for the soul. I'm hoping you find what it is your looking for. Sometimes it's so close to our face that we cannot see it.