just me...thinking outloud

I'm tired this week. I feel like crawling under the covers and not coming out for awhile but it's time to put on the face. You know the face. The face that says all is well in my "perfect world". It's draining sometimes. I'm sure for others who have to do the same, but at this moment I feel as if it's only me... alone.

What do you do when you feel as if the weight of the entire world is on your shoulders and you can't drag yourself through not even one more day? Me, I tend to dress it up...way up. Tighten my ponytail or play with my hair in the mirror until I have big flowing body curls, or either I pluck the hell out of my eyebrows until I say "oh shit, that's gonna take two weeks to fix", sit in hotwater until I'm wrinkled or through the headphones on and close my eyes. More often I put on my prettiest makeup, my "damn I look good in these jeans" outfit, and basically keep it moving and smile at everyone I come in contact with. What else would I do? It's far better than walking around looking as if you can't "handle it" right. Someone told me I always appear to be in control. Good, then it's working! They are all fooled.

Lately, I've felt as if the fight is just not in me though. As if I've been beaten down too many times to get up and survive the next round. Mothers can't give up though. Honestly - I think the saddest thing is a mother who shows that she has given up because if nothing else, my boys truly give me a reason to wake up in the morning. Over the years I've seen friends and acquaintances let someone else take the motherhood reigns, via grandmother, father, etc. I just couldn't wake up and not see their faces each morning simply because "I'd grown too tired".

My thoughts seem to consume me now. They are simply all over the place...truly! This song fits, this movie fits, this poem fits, what did that person mean, what about this, what about that....gggrrr! Enough to drive me mad and it seems my only relief is a blog, undrafted or not.