Dear Diary -
I've decided to name this entry: Sometimes I Feel Like a Meaningless Scribe. Damn, I love that title! It’s loosely based upon the song “Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child.” It’s a Jazz classic. Awww, you didn't know I had jazz in my repertoire too huh.
Focus! Focus! Focus, damn it!
It’s been another one of THOSE days. You know, the usual crap: a bunch of nothing, turning into a full day with so many unexplainable things in between. Sometimes I feel as if the days simply run into each other.
Yes. I have lingering questions inside my soul about whether I was built for this life and what card I'm being dealt right now. So I write, simply to clear my head and keep the demons away. It’s one of the few things on this planet that I KNOW for sure. Often I question how far to go though. Should I save it inside my brain. But my lingering question so often becomes: have I chosen the right words without revealing too much of my soul?
I am a private person, by nature. You think not huh? That's how private I am. I tried talking it outloud be it never seems to work because I usually regret and wish I hadn't told you that. I wish that I was that quintessential Still Waters Run Deep kinda cat but no. Feelings come sweeping in like tides, swelling and rolling in massive waves inside me sometimes, and I tend to express them in a universal way. That’s my style, my thing, I guess.
The other day my close friend told me that I “don’t write with honesty." She can tell when I'm going through but refuse to convey, and so I come across as jumbled.
To that, I said: "DAMN LIE!". I write what I want you to know and the rest I write, get it out and burn in the sink. If I come off as jumbled to you, then you are not suppose to understand.
Maybe I don’t give a detailed accounting of all my emotional bowel movements, but everything I write is about WHO I am, or what I feel, or what I question. That's REAL! Everything I write is about what makes my heart beat faster, or gives me a chill, or breaks my face, or hurts my spirit, or fundamentally fulfills me. And truthfully, I don’t know any other way to be. I may not put it on a blog for the world to see...but I do write it at some point.
Still, Sometimes I Feel Like a Meaningless Scribe, because the world will never know. I refuse to go go deeper.
Nakedness from me makes some people uncomfortable. It puts me out there as well. Can't go there.
Honesty from me makes some people uneasy. It puts me out there as well. Can't go deeper.
Sometimes I feel Like a Meaningless Scribe.
I’ve prayed. I’ve purged. I’ve vented. It’s out of me!
Diary, you KNOW, I’ll never be FELT in a blog that takes 30 seconds to read. The Creator made me this way: all strange and odd and some what -talented and a little cute and a little ugly and deep and joyous and sad and real, confused ... and human.
Diary, it saddens me that I cannot express with words what I feel often feel and share.
What is it about these words I write?
Diary - Oh how you understand what I cannot convey.
Feel me? Of course, YOU do. That’s never been the prob.
Oh, Diary. Sometimes I feel like a Meaningless Scribe.
Disclaimer - don't be all sensitive - It's not about you - it's my blog - I write what I want -
That’s sad to me. I still feel the need to explain that it's about me and no one else.