asheN

I started this post back in February of last year 2008 - It's been in draft form for well over a year. Thought I'd finally publish it today. I wonder how much I've truly changed and how many things remain the same.

I wanted to do an introduction about myself that was really me talking to myself because I don't know how many people would really read this blog. Can I "honestly" evaluate myself and describe what I'm about. I don't know what others think about me but if I look at myself here is what I see.

February 21, 2008

Nesha -

I feel as if I can accomplish more in one day than some people do in a week. Thing is that unless you pay attention or follow me you have no idea how much I do. I'm learning to work on my patience with others but it's a work in progress. I'm not a screamer, yeller or otherwise, I'm simply a control freak. My patience for "you" not doing it correctly makes me intolerable sometimes. I'm methodical in my daily activities. I thought I enjoyed helping others but the more I think about it the more I enjoy helping others if it will somehow benefit me and my family. My mind is always racing which is why I write so much (I have to get the voices out) {smile}. Yeah, you heard me dammit! The voices. If I didn't write I may possibly go insane. I know to others I often appear to be rigid or obstinate. I always want to be the leader even if I begin as the follower. Somehow I keep talking and working until I make my way to the top. I've never been one to to be afraid of responsibility or risk, sometimes to my own detriment. However, sometimes not knowing how to say no tends to make me labor long hours to accomplish a little.

I'm working on trying to be much more positive, thus my introduction that includes "trying to conquer the Secret". I feel like I'm not happy with some of the things in my life therefore my positive outlook is sometimes warped. My common sense often stifles me because I am honest in knowing when it's just simply not going to happen, no matter how much I pray or wish for it. I'll be honest - my main preoccupation in life is my family's security. I am prepared to do whatever is necessary to provide a warm, comfortable and stable life for my children.

I realize that I'm stubborn, strong-minded, individualistic at times. I have a hard time being told what to do. I'm working on ALL of that :-)
I've been told I'm quietly dominant. A woman needs to be dominant "on the under". I like that though. I do tend not to speak my mind to strangers or acquaintances though, but instead go home and vent to my loved ones. I'd rather save your feelings from being hurt. Feel free to step on mine though (another work in progress). I'm always open to conversation as long as it's not while my kids are participating in a sport at the time (shhhh! I'm watching).
Unfortunately, I'm very unforgiving. It takes a long time for me to get over anything. If you've wronged me, after I've put my heart and friendship out there for you then - EFF YOU! If you are bleeding on the street - lay there and die.
I'm told that I hold only my "choosen" at arm's length. If you manage to "get in" though....I'm yours and will move heaven and earth for you as long as you don't take advantage of me.

You know, I'm told that I should give people, outsiders more of a chance but this is the thing, my intuition has never lied to me. I don't tend to make many mistakes in my judgement of others.

So skip to February 2009

Alas, few things have changed in a year. I'll admit I'm a little colder in some areas of my life. Life is changing...and I'm pulling for it. I'm excited about the future and I embrace it with open arms. I have a lot to work on. I'll be honest, I believe that the future will make me a little softer and little more happy and kinder. We'll see. I'll report back in a year.