I'm on Time Out

May I admit an uncomfortable truth about myself to you all this morning?

I, NW -Powerful Beyond Measure, am easily influenced.

It doesn’t seem that way, does it? Especially because I’m always waxing poetic about following my own path and not caring what others think. Yes, this is the way that I live my life, but I never said that the influences of the outside world do not enter my mind.

Last night, I was watching Entourage and somehow what should have been another of many good television-watching experiences turned into a full-blown attack on my self-esteem. It was an internal dialogue I’ve had so many times that I could probably recite it backward:

Look at these guys, charging through Hollywood and pursuing their dreams at full-speed. Even when things go bad, do they freak out and quit? No, they stay positive and keep pushing forward. They’re not whining about mental illnesses and why they can’t do it, they just get it done. That’s why your butt is thirty-seven years old, sitting here, and watching this from cowtown USA. For all of your so-called intellect, talent, and charisma, it’s all wasted potential because you’re too weak to make something real of yourself.

Once again battered by the malicious bully in my head, I ended up in tears.

Normally, I would have taken this rant in my head and used it as inspiration to start some new habit or venture that would magically transform me back into the gung-ho “I want to rule the world” girl I was at twenty-five.

But this is what I’ve had to learn: every thought I have isn’t a truth. Every emotion doesn’t deserve an action; especially when you have a mind such as mine that can and will turn against you in a heartbeat. So I sat, in the middle of my bed and let the tears fall until a voice of reason (I like to think it’s the God in me) spoke up.

First of all, when did fame become part of our definition of success? Remember we said our first priority will always be peace of mind? And how are you wasting your talent if you’re school, playing Superwoman, as fit as you've been in your life, running this, doing that, creating this and that? And why are you comparing yourself to fictional TV characters? And why are you acting like your life is over once you hit 40? Stop. You’re trippin.

I exhaled, the tears stopped, and I felt a little better.

The truth is that I’m still wrestling with living my truth. I have a vision for my life. One that is quiet and simple, but it makes me smile when I think of it, so it’s fulfilling. It’s just difficult, sometimes, to hold on to that when the world demands that you move faster, be bigger, and never be satisfied.

Still, I’m proud to say that I win a small battle in the war to control my mind everyday. Who knows? One day, I just might master this whole thing and in my own mind rule the world.

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