I’ve gotten to know myself a little better. I’m so on top of my game right now. I’m so organized. Dinner is made every night by 5, my house is sparkling, my children are all smiling, my marriage is perfect, every bill is paid, and the world is at my feet. I could not be more perfect. It’s so hard having this S on my chest from day to day. (I’m wiping a bead of sweat off my forehead as we speak. At the end of this day I will have completed every task on my to-do list. I AM Martha Stewart, I AM B. Smith, I am Kimora, Jada, Michelle Obama, Oprah, Vanessa Del Rio and June Cleaver all wrapped into one. I am in CONTROL!
I am... A FAKE!!!
I am absolutely none of these things…in fact as the days roll on I seem to continue to move from that perfect human being I have been trying to be. I am so far from that mark that I wrote about in the first paragraph you might as well start laughing now. I now realize
I’ll never be able to live up to any of those perfect things. There may have been a moment or two in my life where I did feel as though I could conquer the world and still make it home to prepare a gourmet dinner. I know there was definitely a point in time where I believed that I had the power to conquer it all, but now I’m not so sure...in fact, it is not so.
By pretending all these years that I had everything planned in a neat little bow and it was perfect I’ve wasted precious time figuring out how to do it right the first time so I wouldn’t have to wonder if I had actually done it correctly (does that make sense?)I AM the ultimate control freak.
Instead of asking for help, I’ve been secretly going mad…in fact to the point where I AM “mad” and actually have gone on some kind of protest that I truly can’t live up to. Example – I’ve been washing clothes for my boys their entire lives. I don’t agree with kids washing clothes too early. They have their entire lives to wash clothes. Besides, they are simply wasting your money as they attempt to learn. In fact if you notice, the kids who wash their own clothes you can always spot. Their clothes are washed out, too tight, too short and often wrinkled. I’d prefer my boys to actually look like they have a mother at home who is worth a damn (sorry if you don’t agree but it's my blog remember). Last week I decided to “not wash clothes and see what would happen”. Only I couldn’t stomach the results. I saw Jalen washing his white button down mass shirt, along with his green vest, black dress pants and he was actually going to throw his muddy cleats in there too! I took the time to show him how to sort clothes (although I’ve taught him this 4 times) but his theory was, all his other clothes were all washed (thanks mom) and these were the only dirty items left. I threw my hands in the air and walked out of the laundry room only to peek in about 11:00pm, long after he had gone to sleep. I saw that his load hadn’t made it to the dryer even though he needed to be at school at 7:15am. I opened the washer to find, mud and grass all over everything, a dingy white shirt. What’s superwoman to do? Now, had I been MY MOTHER, I would have woken him up with a loud spoon banging on a pot like she did when we fell asleep with a dirty kitchen. I'm a different kind of mother though. Superwoman. I re-washed everything, ironed it, hung it up, put the cleats in his football bag. I finally went to sleep around 3am. When I woke up around 6am Jalen was standing over me in full uniform looking quite handsome and saying “thanks mom”.
Awww, I could have continued my strike but then again I’m too concerned with what the world thinks “his mother let him come out of the house like that” bugs me more than I life lesson that he may or may NOT have learned.
For now, I wonder, will I always need to be in control? Am I really in control? Or do I just fight to control the small things in my life that I can?
Until next time,
disclaimer - this is not a feel bad for me post. please don't email me on tips for how to get my children to wash their own clothes. It's my decision, because I'm quite sure they would be capable of doing it on their own if I pushed the issue. Love you all for your positive thoughts. Nesh