Existing? Living?

I finally had the priviledge of watching "The Family that Preys" over the holiday break. It's stuck with me every since. I loved the movie but one line in particular continues to stick with me. "Are you living or just existing?". I've been thinking of that line each morning when I wake up, sometimes thinking of it when I go to sleep at night. Am I? I'm not ready for that discussion yet so I think I'll go another direction.

My imagination can tend to run away from me at times. One iota of evidence, mixed with an already existing tendency towards distrust, can paint a clear picture prematurely. It wasn't until recently that I realized how this way of thinking was sabotaging my life. One of the wisest women I know, tells me, "Believe little of what you hear, and even less of what you see."

Little girls are led away by their pre-existing notions which are usually made concrete by prototypes of the past. It takes a grown woman to recognize that the more life you experience, the less typical life seems to be. I'm beginning to understand that. My defense mechanisms & victim mentality will only aid in keeping me trapped in a self-fulfilling prophecy that I will always stop short of fulfillment. In a constant cycle of disappointment, and with a strong inability to see joy in each breath and sunrise.

The inner corridors of my head are where this battle rages daily. But, I have become more victorious lately. There are far too many dreams and desires close enough within my grasp to continue to nurse wounds that have already scabbed over. The hamster continues to spin on the wheel. Don't mind me.

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