Showing posts with label Just Nesha. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Just Nesha. Show all posts
1/11/12
Rambling Thoughts
Inception is a remarkable documentary with a very unique storyline. I recommend to all who have yet to see. Just when you think that you have witnessed, read or heard it all, here comes a screenplay which leaves you captivated, and discussing the plot long after the final credits have rolled. Think The Sixth Sense meets The Matrix.
Where they do dat at: Here it is 2011 and I am amazed there are still people who turn their backs on the very ones who had been there for them, time and time again. If that isn't enough, these same people will turn around and be there for the ones who turned their backs on them in the first place.
If I have ever learned anything in life: I have learned that society might discriminate upon the color of your skin, economic status, hairstyle, gender, beliefs, your troubled past, educational background, insecurities, whatever. But regardless of those supposed drawbacks, please understand one thing; the most important thing - they can never ever knock your hustle. I swear to God.
Cool points to anyone who can name the recording artist who spoke these sentiments: "Mommas, don't let your kids watch television, until they know how to read. Or else all they'll know how to do is cut, fight and bleed. No child is bad from the beginning. They only imitate their atmosphere."
Looking forward to the game this weekend against the Saints and the Niners. I will be there sitting amongst Niners fans and daring them to say a word as I cheer my Saint.
Lastly, I appreciate all who frequent Powerful Beyond Measure and offer discussion upon various subjects and views being discussed. I love reading and writing blogs and value the emails that encourage me to keep posting - I will try to keep the blog updated.
I am writing a romantic short story. I'm making sure to edit and re-edit and I refuse to put any disclaimers on it.
Blessings, Nesha
12/29/11
Happy Birthday To me
Dear God,
Well, it’s my birthday again. Number 38. I owe you many thanks for keeping me alive on this earth for all these years. I've kept my head held high and taken the good with the bad. You’ve got to admit; you’ve thrown some majorly crummy stuff my way in the past few years and I know I'm suppose to be learning from it. I know, I know…you’re testing me. How about we just admit that I’ve failed so that I can go back to the less challenging Remedial Life class? That way I can keep practicing this life-thing until I get it right.
By the way, I’m extremely grateful for your hand in working things out on so many different fronts. No one rocks like you do, God, when it comes to making the impossible happen. Not even Obama. Instead of birthday presents this year, I hope you’ll agree to a few changes that I’d like to make in order to become an even better person (and a whole lot less neurotic.) Are you ready? You might want to grab a pen and paper to jot these down:
For starters, enough with the stray gray hairs. I mean really. Do you have any idea how depressing it is to pluck those bad boys out every other morning only to see that they’ve reappeared in a different place the next day?
Can I also please grow some bigger quads and delts while I'm still young enough to flaunt them and win a contest or two? No doubt that would be the true definition of Heaven.
I know I’ve been asking for quite a lot here, and I don’t want to be greedy. Is it OK if I ask for a few things for others? For example, can you please give the Banking Industry a conscience? Maybe even a time-out so they can think long and hard about their bad behavior? If you still have those Ten Commandment tablets handy, or can get them back from Moses, the banks could stand to re-learn the parts about not lying, stealing or being greedy. I think they missed them the first time around.
Lastly, can you please give the Republicans in Congress a collective lobotomy? The only thing coming out of their mouths these days is the word NO and it’s making for a difficult life here in the United States. Rather than a plague of locusts, perhaps you can smite them with decency and good sense. If that doesn’t work, please send them all back to kindergarten; they were obviously absent the day that learning how to play nicely with others was discussed.
In closing, I’d like to thank you for surrounding me with such wonderful people for showing your continued agape love and keeping my family healthy. For keeping me around for another year, I’m going to do my best to make it a good one.
Sincerely,
Nesha
Well, it’s my birthday again. Number 38. I owe you many thanks for keeping me alive on this earth for all these years. I've kept my head held high and taken the good with the bad. You’ve got to admit; you’ve thrown some majorly crummy stuff my way in the past few years and I know I'm suppose to be learning from it. I know, I know…you’re testing me. How about we just admit that I’ve failed so that I can go back to the less challenging Remedial Life class? That way I can keep practicing this life-thing until I get it right.
By the way, I’m extremely grateful for your hand in working things out on so many different fronts. No one rocks like you do, God, when it comes to making the impossible happen. Not even Obama. Instead of birthday presents this year, I hope you’ll agree to a few changes that I’d like to make in order to become an even better person (and a whole lot less neurotic.) Are you ready? You might want to grab a pen and paper to jot these down:
For starters, enough with the stray gray hairs. I mean really. Do you have any idea how depressing it is to pluck those bad boys out every other morning only to see that they’ve reappeared in a different place the next day?
Can I also please grow some bigger quads and delts while I'm still young enough to flaunt them and win a contest or two? No doubt that would be the true definition of Heaven.
I know I’ve been asking for quite a lot here, and I don’t want to be greedy. Is it OK if I ask for a few things for others? For example, can you please give the Banking Industry a conscience? Maybe even a time-out so they can think long and hard about their bad behavior? If you still have those Ten Commandment tablets handy, or can get them back from Moses, the banks could stand to re-learn the parts about not lying, stealing or being greedy. I think they missed them the first time around.
Lastly, can you please give the Republicans in Congress a collective lobotomy? The only thing coming out of their mouths these days is the word NO and it’s making for a difficult life here in the United States. Rather than a plague of locusts, perhaps you can smite them with decency and good sense. If that doesn’t work, please send them all back to kindergarten; they were obviously absent the day that learning how to play nicely with others was discussed.
In closing, I’d like to thank you for surrounding me with such wonderful people for showing your continued agape love and keeping my family healthy. For keeping me around for another year, I’m going to do my best to make it a good one.
Sincerely,
Nesha
12/16/11
Continued Truth...the ugly
1.We are all self-centered. Even the most selfless person is actually self-centered. We cannot help it, because we’re human. The sooner you realize that it is in your nature to think of only yourself, the less surprised you are when others put themselves before you. Well..actually…the act of you being appalled that others aren’t thinking of you is pretty self-centered, don’t you think?
2.The world will never be a better place. It’s not supposed to be. As long as we are civilized (in the economical sense), then there will always be poor, dying people in this world. Guess what? Your purpose shouldn’t be to make the world a better place, anyway. Make your world a better place. Many of us don’t get that far (see number 1 for explanation). I know people who spend their lives putting humanitarian effort into other countries but fail to impact the people that exist around them everyday. You live where you live for a reason. Ignore your world, and you’re life won’t make much of a difference globally.
3.Guess what will happen when you die? Not to you, but to the rest of us…still living, I mean. We will go on living. Without you. Great things will happen once you’re gone. God still has a purpose for the rest of us, and yours will cease to exist. So, while you’re here, stop acting like your purpose is the only one that matters.
4.There is an ultimate truth. There has to be. If you believe in scientific fact, then you’ve already opened yourself up to the notion that Absolute Truth exists. But, everything else…is simply your perception. Never. Ever. Mix the two.
5.Kindness trumps self-righteous virtue, any day. The moment you start to think you know better than another human being, the moment you become an enemy of God.
6.FOX News is a cesspool for bigoted, conservative bullies. And they do not represent the Christian stance. Since when does standing up for ”Christian” morals make you a Christian? No matter how you slice it, we are not on the same side.
7.Technically, there is no such thing as love at first sight. Maybe love at first hearing…or like at first sight, but there is no way you can love (in the true sense of the word) by simply seeing another person. Any person who believes in it is slightly misguided.
8.Even in the smallest part, we all end up like our parents. Whether you believe in either side of the Nature or Nurture debate, you’ll still get the same result. Get over it…there’s still so much of you left to figure out.
9.Marijuana makes you an idiot. And if it’s legalized then that will kill the 1.7 billion dollar underground marijuana industry that’s keeping urban America afloat. So, if I were a weed man/connoisseur …I’d keep my indignant rants to myself.
10.Nothing, usually, is ever as serious as you’re making it in the moment. There are nations of people around the world, at this very moment, that are surviving hunger, poverty, attempted genocides of their nation, oppression, abuse, societal rape, natural disasters, etc. Surely, you have all that you need to get through this as well. Just take a second. Do your brain a favor, and give it some extra oxygen. Breathe.
11.God’s given us all the choice to invent & reinvent ourselves into whatever we want, but knowing your Creator intimately is like saying hello to yourself for the first time.
2.The world will never be a better place. It’s not supposed to be. As long as we are civilized (in the economical sense), then there will always be poor, dying people in this world. Guess what? Your purpose shouldn’t be to make the world a better place, anyway. Make your world a better place. Many of us don’t get that far (see number 1 for explanation). I know people who spend their lives putting humanitarian effort into other countries but fail to impact the people that exist around them everyday. You live where you live for a reason. Ignore your world, and you’re life won’t make much of a difference globally.
3.Guess what will happen when you die? Not to you, but to the rest of us…still living, I mean. We will go on living. Without you. Great things will happen once you’re gone. God still has a purpose for the rest of us, and yours will cease to exist. So, while you’re here, stop acting like your purpose is the only one that matters.
4.There is an ultimate truth. There has to be. If you believe in scientific fact, then you’ve already opened yourself up to the notion that Absolute Truth exists. But, everything else…is simply your perception. Never. Ever. Mix the two.
5.Kindness trumps self-righteous virtue, any day. The moment you start to think you know better than another human being, the moment you become an enemy of God.
6.FOX News is a cesspool for bigoted, conservative bullies. And they do not represent the Christian stance. Since when does standing up for ”Christian” morals make you a Christian? No matter how you slice it, we are not on the same side.
7.Technically, there is no such thing as love at first sight. Maybe love at first hearing…or like at first sight, but there is no way you can love (in the true sense of the word) by simply seeing another person. Any person who believes in it is slightly misguided.
8.Even in the smallest part, we all end up like our parents. Whether you believe in either side of the Nature or Nurture debate, you’ll still get the same result. Get over it…there’s still so much of you left to figure out.
9.Marijuana makes you an idiot. And if it’s legalized then that will kill the 1.7 billion dollar underground marijuana industry that’s keeping urban America afloat. So, if I were a weed man/connoisseur …I’d keep my indignant rants to myself.
10.Nothing, usually, is ever as serious as you’re making it in the moment. There are nations of people around the world, at this very moment, that are surviving hunger, poverty, attempted genocides of their nation, oppression, abuse, societal rape, natural disasters, etc. Surely, you have all that you need to get through this as well. Just take a second. Do your brain a favor, and give it some extra oxygen. Breathe.
11.God’s given us all the choice to invent & reinvent ourselves into whatever we want, but knowing your Creator intimately is like saying hello to yourself for the first time.
Timing
I am a dichotomy of sorts. At times my ideals conflict with my actions. One of those being that of timing. I have an awful sense of timing; despite having a strong reverence for the value of time itself. I realize life is too short and many people are dying lately; no words should be left unsaid. Actions are meant to be intentional, meaningful, but sure. We’re only given one life, and a numbered set of chances. Surprisingly, even to myself, I’ve had my brave moments.
I am not, by far, one of those people who go from spontaneous moment to the next. Maybe because I feel peace when something I put work and effort into, actually meets success. Some things are meant to have the accompaniment of planning. Even important, lofty things like dreams cannot become reality without your own two hands’ determined grasp. Regardless, unplanned or thought out, each transition from one season to another is birthed through a single moment. Where you make a decision to move or act. Granted, it’s only 1/18 of a second in light of a lifetime, but these moments are the vehicles of our lives.
The moment where I decided to pick up that pencil and paper and write my first poem.
…Where I filled out that college application.
…Where I committed by body to a healthy lifestyle.
…Where let my guard down to him and opened my heart.
…When I prayed that unforgotten prayer.
I’ve had my brave moments. But I wasn’t alone.
Something was always present; beckoning me on. Calling me higher.
Encouraging me not to live life afraid; hiding from the bad moments.
Which is why I don’t see life as a rollercoaster meant to only be enjoyed and endured until the ride is over. Each turn, rise, and fall is meaningful. The destination is sure to come, but that doesn’t make the journey any less beautiful.
Look up from your grind and notice the handwriting in between each minute on the clock. Pay attention to the hidden pull of Love, and its urgency to call you higher from where you’ve settled.
Timing speaks and it says that there’s more.
Blessings,
Nesha
I am not, by far, one of those people who go from spontaneous moment to the next. Maybe because I feel peace when something I put work and effort into, actually meets success. Some things are meant to have the accompaniment of planning. Even important, lofty things like dreams cannot become reality without your own two hands’ determined grasp. Regardless, unplanned or thought out, each transition from one season to another is birthed through a single moment. Where you make a decision to move or act. Granted, it’s only 1/18 of a second in light of a lifetime, but these moments are the vehicles of our lives.
The moment where I decided to pick up that pencil and paper and write my first poem.
…Where I filled out that college application.
…Where I committed by body to a healthy lifestyle.
…Where let my guard down to him and opened my heart.
…When I prayed that unforgotten prayer.
I’ve had my brave moments. But I wasn’t alone.
Something was always present; beckoning me on. Calling me higher.
Encouraging me not to live life afraid; hiding from the bad moments.
Which is why I don’t see life as a rollercoaster meant to only be enjoyed and endured until the ride is over. Each turn, rise, and fall is meaningful. The destination is sure to come, but that doesn’t make the journey any less beautiful.
Look up from your grind and notice the handwriting in between each minute on the clock. Pay attention to the hidden pull of Love, and its urgency to call you higher from where you’ve settled.
Timing speaks and it says that there’s more.
Blessings,
Nesha
12/14/11
Me?
I find it inevitable that I am constantly thinking, like a hamster on a wheel...it's frustrating often but I understand what my truths are. Just decided to list a few of late:
I'm working on myelf once again in 2012.
- I seem to be easily annoyed by those who lack motivation
- Being pushy gets you nowhere with me
- I'm constantly analyzing everything and everyone...different from judging...simply analyzing.
- I will admit it, I'm constantly stressed worrying about the unknown future
- I do not judge loud, obnoxious flashy people, I just have low tolerance for them
- Once you enter my heart you are there forever
- I am completely shy and reserved in the beginning but once I'm comfortable all bets are off
- I'm a bit cautious at first but only because I'm surveying the situation before I react to it.
- Don't doubt me...it's bad for you
- I like to do everything myself, this way, there is no worrying about something not being done properly
- I don't mix well with disorder
- You'll only know what I want you to know about me, no more, no less. Trust!
- The slightest thing turns me completely off. Unfortunately that goes from everything (people, clothes, food etc)
- Sometimes I crave solitary, I don't know why...I just do.
- I hate being controlled or smothered
- Insult me after I've been kind to you and I will kill you with silent treatment and ignore your whole existence (I know, yuck huh)
Thoughts on this quarter...
...and so another quarter down and my journey continues. This one has by far been the most difficult from me with two law classes, my final english course and a philosophy course under my belt. Funny thing is, I started to drop the philsophy course a week in. I found the text book drab and confusing, the text book boring and the questions often frustrating. I thought I'd be better taking it in the classroom. After talking to my adviser, who didn't respond to my email until another week had passed, I figured, "okay, two weeks in and 100% on both of the homework assignments, I guess I'll go for it". I fought it tooth and nail the entire way. In one forum I even stated "this philosophy crap is simply a way to try and prove God does not exist, it's foolery". The week of the whole 'Does God Exist" and write proof that he does and proof that he doesn't, truly wanted to make me throw in the towel. I didn't realize that we were on the downside of the heel and there was light at the end of the tunnel. Last week, I finally turned on my research paper ' My Philosophy On Life'. I figured the professor would think I'm a quack by most of my absurd ramblings and ideas and my thoughts on life. Thursday I woke up to an email stating that he found it "eloquent, poetic at times and a joy to read".
This class has truly opened my mind to things I thought but not shared to most except for my readers here. It made me think beyond "because I said so and that's the way it is". It helped me say "and I believe this because...". Regardless of how I did on the final I'm pleased with my work and happy that I took the class.
On other fronts, Legal turned out great and so did Torts. I'm a legal head, I realize this so I flew through the classes and was excited to take the finals. I await my grade but I've finally reached the knowledge of knowing when I did good on a test and when I bombed it. I bombed the philosophy final and kicked but in the legal classes. The English Final is tonight. Fortunately/Unfortunately it was a course that know one, including me realized that I didn't take. It may save my gpa after a possible bombed philosophy final. I learned a few new things but for the most, I wished I would have taken this english course at the beginning of my college career and will push for the boys to take it, as it may help greatly in not getting back a sea of red on their early essay...if you haven't figured it was Intensive Grammar.
I'm so happy to not have to open any book except my preferred reading on the Nook for a few weeks. I look forward to quiet holidays except for the fact that I'm 15 weeks out from the next contest and dieting has begun. My plain chicken, rice and brocolli have grown old quickly. I'm saving my first day for Christmas. I see myself getting stronger each day and I had an Epic workout today.
blessings to all see you soon.
This class has truly opened my mind to things I thought but not shared to most except for my readers here. It made me think beyond "because I said so and that's the way it is". It helped me say "and I believe this because...". Regardless of how I did on the final I'm pleased with my work and happy that I took the class.
On other fronts, Legal turned out great and so did Torts. I'm a legal head, I realize this so I flew through the classes and was excited to take the finals. I await my grade but I've finally reached the knowledge of knowing when I did good on a test and when I bombed it. I bombed the philosophy final and kicked but in the legal classes. The English Final is tonight. Fortunately/Unfortunately it was a course that know one, including me realized that I didn't take. It may save my gpa after a possible bombed philosophy final. I learned a few new things but for the most, I wished I would have taken this english course at the beginning of my college career and will push for the boys to take it, as it may help greatly in not getting back a sea of red on their early essay...if you haven't figured it was Intensive Grammar.
I'm so happy to not have to open any book except my preferred reading on the Nook for a few weeks. I look forward to quiet holidays except for the fact that I'm 15 weeks out from the next contest and dieting has begun. My plain chicken, rice and brocolli have grown old quickly. I'm saving my first day for Christmas. I see myself getting stronger each day and I had an Epic workout today.
blessings to all see you soon.
12/6/11
On fumes
I could have turned it in a week ago, but then, that would be uncharacteristic of Nesha. Instead weekly this class has been a struggle for me and my work has been submitted usually at 12:30pm, a half hour before the deadline. I'm glad it's over. I will say, I know more, but about what? That is a discussion for another day.
At the same time my law classes make me smile. It's coming together. I received an A on my midterm (the only A in the class) and I will take my final next Monday. I'm worried but the material has stuck for the most part. I don't really like this class much. The majority of the students are paralegals and it frustrates me when the professor, an attorney says "when you all go out into your field as paralegals..."...ummm not. Not bias, it's just not my thing.
Nesha
11/13/11
Been Slacking
This senior year seems to be flying by. I'm saddened that in a little over a month I will be a mother of 18 year old twins. Wow is the only word to describe this. The football season has flown by and last Friday was the first playoff game for the their team. We were ranked #5 and played the #12 seed. This division is so deep though, that could have been ugly. Twin A finished with 3 touch downs and was sat down early in the 3rd to save him for what promises to be a physical game against the #4 spot next week. Twin B also continues his starting role at DB and was on an island by himself daring them to through it for most of the night. Finally score was 47-21 but we went into halftime leading 34-0. All scores thereafter were scored on our second string and a host of sophomores brought up after their season for playoffs.
The first quarter ended well with Twin B pulling out his usual good grades. I'll take his 3.6 any day to the 2.5 I solidly had in high school. Considering he only has 4 classes it should be a bit higher though. Unfortunately, Twin A has a full load complete with two sciences, a math, english, religion, spanish 2 and government. No room for error in his quest to clear the NCAA clearinghouse. He does well for his stringent academic regimine but I feel bad for him on somedays. He pulled out the first quarter just under a 3.0, we'll see how he does with finals this semester.
They have finally decided which schools they will apply to and I'm happy to say only two California schools are in the hunt. The other schools include 2 others still on the west coast and a southern school. Yes, all the same schools. Twin A just finally said it "I don't want to go out of state unless my brother comes". aawww, my heart melted just a bit, but it took him forever to say it.
Finally, senior night wiped me out. I was an emotional wreck for the majority of the day and cried anytime someone asked me how I felt. As the boys ran toward me with their flowers, I could barely see through my tears but wanted to have "no ugly face" pictures so I straightened up. I can't imagine my life without these boys. The love I have for them feels my heart each and everyday.
Lots of talks with them this year and they are sharing some great stuff. I love that they talk to me and share their thoughts on their life, God and the future. I will say, I hate their whole "twitter-swag", but they have to have an outlet so I'll let it be..for now.
Back to my hole and making my nitch in this world, taking care of my family, Jr. Rams, basketball, football, law school (which has become overwhelming lately), and everything that is Nesha.
9/13/11
Free Write
So we have this thing in school called Free Write. You remember it. It's wierd you don't edit, you don't think you just write. Got some things in my head. Need to free write today. Some of it are facebook status's I would never say because I don't want people to think I'm crazy, conceited or just have too much time on my hands the way I believe about some of my facebook "friends". Here goes:
Senior year has been a little harder than I thought. I'm watching the boys grow before my eyes. No one has asked me to help them with homework the whole year. I've gone into their room several times and said, "need help". The response...nope, I got it. (big sigh). "okay, well holler if you need me". Not even a glance of the shoulder. Might as well say "aight mom, bounce and shut my door when you leave".
Jalen continues his quest as the feature back. My voice is gone again. I've screamed like crazy the last two weeks and gotten light headed two weeks in a row from holding my breath and enormous, corn-fed, steroid "looking" defense boys attempted to take his head off. I find myself on pins and needles as he breaks tackles and runs the field. I can't breath while he's under the pile until I see his little mighty mouse body pop up.
At the same time, I determined to see my baby boy, twin B get his props and I nearly passed out last week each time a pass comes his way. It's week 2, an interception, Rivas style would be nice. My issues with him are slightly different though. He's a good kid but I see his inner struggle continues. He's enjoying his body lately. I've had to tell him a couple times, you ain't my man, go put some shorts on. Don't be running around the house in your drawers like you pay some bills here dude. He's texting someone new. I haven't figured out who yet though. He's been particularly quiet about who it is. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping it's no one from the past. I haven't met a girl who liked Jordan who I like yet (what, I'm just being honest).
Finally, I feel like if I could split myself in 3 there may be enough to do all the things I need to get done. One morning sleeping in would feel great but on mornings I think I can I remember something I have forgotten to do. School, Training, Work, Jr Rams, Wardsports, House, Bills, Errands, Projects, The Bigs, The Littles. It don't stop.
On another note, no rebound...I'm still there. Gotta grow some muscle, but I'm still the hottest soccer mom...lol (my kids don't play soccer and I don't drive a mini-van).
8/25/11
Something
Lord knows I need something to write about. So I have here, the 30 Days of Truth List....a sort of blog challenge.
I picked from the list and decided on one of the topics. - NAME SOMETHING YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF
I think I hate my reluctance to verbally assert myself in situations in which it would be appropriate or that require it most. I have really strong views on most things, and the things I don’t have views on, it’s often because I’m indifferent and that’s fine. I don’t have a need to have an opinion about everything. But often times, I’m in situations where the people in my presence will say some absurd, insensitive, self-indulgent, erroneous stuff and depending upon my “readiness,” I may very well not say anything…maybe give a look. My thoughts are often a different story, though. I’ve simply never been boisterous. And while I realize there’s a definitive difference between boisterous and outright passive, I do worry that a retort (esp. in the manner that I tend to give it) would certainly take me there and have me outside of my character. I don’t worry that it’s not in me to speak up, as I’ve been entirely too much for some people in my recent history. It’s not an all the time thing, nevertheless, it can come off as if I don’t have an opinion and not that I generally care about what the individuals in particular think of me, it’s just good practice to speak up in an effort to not let this characterize my nature in people's understanding of me.
6/2/11
So I truly love those who love me
Sometimes it’s necessary to simply allow people to move through your life. Getting in the way of whatever their purpose was/is is akin to getting in the way of yourself. Regardless of the duration of their stay, there's always a lesson to be learned from their arrival. Grasp the lesson.
***
Sometimes outwardly, but usually subconsciously, I’ve found myself attempting to control or ruminating over the roles individuals play in my life – determining their relevance and at times feeling spiteful. Neither activity is progressive and neither have sharpened my understanding/clarified a decision on how to handle him/her. Both have saddled my mind and spirit with the kind of heavy, unnerving load that misfortune will often heap upon you.
But so far, so good.
Epiphanies happen most often when I choose to loosen my grip on what’s to be expected of life. More recently, I’d begun to question my value in the hearts of those I’ve allowed into my circle. I question it, exhibit reactionary behavior as a result of it (whether it be direct, evasive, passive-aggressive), and then settle in to question why any of “what they feel about me” matters. On several occasions, to my embarrassment, I find that their interest or regard had never shifted to begin with. Easily making real the fear of a sort of unrequited respect, unrequited love.
Long ago, I came back in contact with girl I’d had one of the most tumultuous connections with. It’s been six years since speaking with her and before allowing a conversation to ensue, I had to calm what deep-seated concerns I had. She could easily be considered one of those friends who shook my faith in friendships. Nevertheless, I allowed the line of conversation to take place with subtle trepidation and to my surprise, she seemed to have changed her disruptive ways. Her one frustration was that I cut off contact with her without explanation. A frustration she’d have to get over, and by the close of the conversation, she did. Since, I’ve allowed the friendship to do whatever it’s suppose to do – maintaining boundaries, but thinking very little of it’s direction and development. With my worrying mind, it’s best.
In short, and with regard to the title of this one, it’s become much more easy to love those who love me, care for those who care for me and focus on those individuals. Not in a selfish way or to a neurotic degree, but allowing those friends & family who want to feed you, feed you. And in the interim, when they have been called to tend to the needs of other significant parties/forces in their lives, make productive my time alone (as I do so well). Should the connection dissipate, very simply, our time together was up.
Two tears in a bucket...lol
5/10/11
Rambling on and on...
I was blessed many years ago with a gift from GOD and that is these precious boys. These little guys makes my heart melt. I used to think that people just said their kids make them stronger just because it sounds good, but it's so true. Because of your kids, you develop strength that you never thought you had. I've been tested in so many ways since I was pregnant and the day I gave birth. When I say I've been tested, I mean I literally have been tested, especially my faith. Yes, I had children out of wedlock; not very smart, but it happens. And when that happens, you get the drama that goes with it because you didn't follow GODs word.
I finally accepted the fact that when I have to deal with things I'm going through now, it’s because I didn't listen to GOD. Satan has tried to do his very best to ruin me. He knew that after having a baby, a woman is very emotional, tired and has all types of feelings and need nothing but peace. Satan said "I'm going to get her when she is at her lowest" and he did. He tried to bring me down; he tried to break the bond with loved ones. He tried to tell me I will burn in hell. He threatened me and told me that he will make sure I burn in hell and even tried to curse my family. Satan really had me worried and concerned to the point where I was on edge. He even questioned my love for my own son. I finally had to put my faith in GOD and pray CONSTANTLY. I had to anoint my house. I had to cry so many times on my knees. During this time, I was told that I was using GOD to get what I wanted. I mean the devil really tried to turn me off my game. Satan put people in my life only have them flip on me because he knew that they would help him. It was all planned BUT because my bond with the Lord is tighter than what people really think and know, I survived the attacks and I am able to bond with my children everyday and I'm happy.
When you have GOD in your life, nobody can break that bond. So I won't let ANYONE break my bond with my children, NOBODY!!! You know the one thing I'm learning now is that those who you think aren't religious, are probably more spiritual than you are and the ones that claim they are spiritual aren't as spiritual as you may think. You don't have to prove yourself worthy to man. I now understand Matthew 6:6 in the bible. I prayed to myself so many times, even as a teenager. I've never been one to shout and scream and mention my beliefs in every conversation I engage in just to let folks know I'm a Christian. GOD saw that I prayed to him and only to please him and not those around me or to church members. Therefore, GOD rewarded me and is still rewarding me. Some people don't realize that not only can GOD use you but Satan can too IF you allow it. Satan will use any and everything to steer you off in the wrong path until you're dead. He wants you dead because he hates you. He hates you so much that he can't even look at you. He has to use others or his sneaky ways to throw you off. He will confuse the hell out of you and make you think you're crazy. He wishes bad things will happen to you. I will tell you this, I am still going through things now, but I want to save those who may feel like I felt. NEVER lose your faith in Christ. As much as I wanted to and let the devil win, I didn't lose my faith. I believed that GOD would deliver me and he did. Keep praying, stay loving, never change, no matter how hard times may get!!! You will be rewarded for your good works. Trust me, I know!!
I finally accepted the fact that when I have to deal with things I'm going through now, it’s because I didn't listen to GOD. Satan has tried to do his very best to ruin me. He knew that after having a baby, a woman is very emotional, tired and has all types of feelings and need nothing but peace. Satan said "I'm going to get her when she is at her lowest" and he did. He tried to bring me down; he tried to break the bond with loved ones. He tried to tell me I will burn in hell. He threatened me and told me that he will make sure I burn in hell and even tried to curse my family. Satan really had me worried and concerned to the point where I was on edge. He even questioned my love for my own son. I finally had to put my faith in GOD and pray CONSTANTLY. I had to anoint my house. I had to cry so many times on my knees. During this time, I was told that I was using GOD to get what I wanted. I mean the devil really tried to turn me off my game. Satan put people in my life only have them flip on me because he knew that they would help him. It was all planned BUT because my bond with the Lord is tighter than what people really think and know, I survived the attacks and I am able to bond with my children everyday and I'm happy.
When you have GOD in your life, nobody can break that bond. So I won't let ANYONE break my bond with my children, NOBODY!!! You know the one thing I'm learning now is that those who you think aren't religious, are probably more spiritual than you are and the ones that claim they are spiritual aren't as spiritual as you may think. You don't have to prove yourself worthy to man. I now understand Matthew 6:6 in the bible. I prayed to myself so many times, even as a teenager. I've never been one to shout and scream and mention my beliefs in every conversation I engage in just to let folks know I'm a Christian. GOD saw that I prayed to him and only to please him and not those around me or to church members. Therefore, GOD rewarded me and is still rewarding me. Some people don't realize that not only can GOD use you but Satan can too IF you allow it. Satan will use any and everything to steer you off in the wrong path until you're dead. He wants you dead because he hates you. He hates you so much that he can't even look at you. He has to use others or his sneaky ways to throw you off. He will confuse the hell out of you and make you think you're crazy. He wishes bad things will happen to you. I will tell you this, I am still going through things now, but I want to save those who may feel like I felt. NEVER lose your faith in Christ. As much as I wanted to and let the devil win, I didn't lose my faith. I believed that GOD would deliver me and he did. Keep praying, stay loving, never change, no matter how hard times may get!!! You will be rewarded for your good works. Trust me, I know!!
5/4/11
Time Number 2 - Random Stuff
Lately, I find myself listening to one song in particular by one of my favorite male recording artist Lyfe Jennings. The song, Statistics, is of the "if you don't know, now you know" variety which, of course, in my opinion, are the best kinds of songs. As always, Lyfe breaks down the game in a way that it should remain forever broken. In other words, a woman can never say she was blind to the fact.
Sometimes I believe that, as a woman, I have arrived at the point in my life where I no longer look to obtain new relationships, friendships, bonds. Nowadays, I simply look to make good on all the connections that I have built over the years. I realized that much of my blood, sweat and tears have gone in vain. I figure, I put it down, so it's only natural that I pick it up. Feel me.
Teach Me How To Dougie: Michelle Obama has to be the most down to earth First Lady that my eyes have ever witnessed. Check out this video of her dancing with a group of middle school students in Washington, DC. Being a sista born and raised in Chicago, Illinois, one has to figure that Michelle kept her "street dancing" to a minimum for the camera.
Can't keep asking me to speak me about Osama. Matter of fact, I don't want to speak about Osama.
4/26/11
Creator
So I had this conversation, one that is hard for me in which I tell those I love everything that is going on with my life. I don't have many people I can talk to in this way, most get the chalk talk, the top surface..you know...kids, life, how everyone is doing and I say fine because I know you don't REALLY want to know, its just the right thing to say. Every now and then I get to get it ALL out! I'm thankful for those moments. Probably the most fulfilling is knowing that the receiver is completely listening and understanding. I'm grateful.
This is one of the reasons I began to write. Part of the reason that a lot of writers write is to exercise control. Life can be chaotic, but when you put that pen on paper, you are in control of the words. You craft the beginning, middle and end. You become the Supreme Creator and changing destiny is as simple as hitting “delete.”
It’s easy to forget that we have similar control in our real lives. While we can’t always control what happens to us we can always write our own endings. Ultimately, we determine the arc of our lives. And the story can end one of two ways: the main character prevails or the main character fails.
I have no interest in writing a Shakespearean life for myself.
I so often need to be reminded that I am not a victim or prisoner of my circumstances. I get so caught up in the settings sometimes that I overlook the plot. I know how this story ends. The heroine will prevail.
I’m prone to so many artistic stereotypes. I’m moody. Temperamental. Insecure about my process. Sometimes I have to stop in the middle of the script and ask “Who is this woman? What does she want? How will she get it?”
But if I can hold on to that vision of the ending and trust in my creative ability to write the heroine out of whatever murky waters she may find herself in, then the happy ending will remain intact.The characters and the settings may change. But the ending doesn’t have to.
I will not lose.
Period.
This is one of the reasons I began to write. Part of the reason that a lot of writers write is to exercise control. Life can be chaotic, but when you put that pen on paper, you are in control of the words. You craft the beginning, middle and end. You become the Supreme Creator and changing destiny is as simple as hitting “delete.”
It’s easy to forget that we have similar control in our real lives. While we can’t always control what happens to us we can always write our own endings. Ultimately, we determine the arc of our lives. And the story can end one of two ways: the main character prevails or the main character fails.
I have no interest in writing a Shakespearean life for myself.
I so often need to be reminded that I am not a victim or prisoner of my circumstances. I get so caught up in the settings sometimes that I overlook the plot. I know how this story ends. The heroine will prevail.
I’m prone to so many artistic stereotypes. I’m moody. Temperamental. Insecure about my process. Sometimes I have to stop in the middle of the script and ask “Who is this woman? What does she want? How will she get it?”
But if I can hold on to that vision of the ending and trust in my creative ability to write the heroine out of whatever murky waters she may find herself in, then the happy ending will remain intact.The characters and the settings may change. But the ending doesn’t have to.
I will not lose.
Period.
Memo to self
This post will probably be brief and a little vague. I’m working some stuff out.
I’ve been fighting some things, a little stress this last week. There are some things in my life that have thrown me off of my game a little. I’ve been pissed, confused, melancholy, excited, mystified, felt vulnerable, incapable and again confused. My usual MO is to shut down and go within when I’m feeling out of sorts. I’m hard-headed. I hate advice and I’ve found that venting/complaining/discussing some of the uncomfortable circumstances of your life often leads to hearing views and opinions. Being the hardheaded capricorn that I am, I know what I need to do but my head and heart want to fight it. If I have yet to make a firm decision about my direction, new insight rarely helps.
I have the kind of mind that rarely forgets and so “not caring what people say” is easier said that done. It’s a gift that I believe I was given to accompany my gift of writing. It’s my purpose to record and recount. It’s easier to do that with a sharp, clear memory. The curse side of this is that it makes moving on particularly difficult. Hard to stay in the present when the past is in HD right in the front of your mind.
I’m still fighting battles in conversations I had months, weeks, days ago.
Memo to self: Leave it alone
I’ve been fighting some things, a little stress this last week. There are some things in my life that have thrown me off of my game a little. I’ve been pissed, confused, melancholy, excited, mystified, felt vulnerable, incapable and again confused. My usual MO is to shut down and go within when I’m feeling out of sorts. I’m hard-headed. I hate advice and I’ve found that venting/complaining/discussing some of the uncomfortable circumstances of your life often leads to hearing views and opinions. Being the hardheaded capricorn that I am, I know what I need to do but my head and heart want to fight it. If I have yet to make a firm decision about my direction, new insight rarely helps.
I have the kind of mind that rarely forgets and so “not caring what people say” is easier said that done. It’s a gift that I believe I was given to accompany my gift of writing. It’s my purpose to record and recount. It’s easier to do that with a sharp, clear memory. The curse side of this is that it makes moving on particularly difficult. Hard to stay in the present when the past is in HD right in the front of your mind.
I’m still fighting battles in conversations I had months, weeks, days ago.
Memo to self: Leave it alone
4/12/11
Your Heart is Not Broken
I am not the one to give relationship advice. This is because, in my opinion I have a certain bit of immaturity when it comes to love and relationships, still at my age. I feel everyone is entitled to a certain level of cluelessness about life in general. I’m just figuring things out along the way. However, as a consumer of Black Female Media I am bombarded with our obsession with relationships. It’s constant. And I’m sorry to say, but it’s also rather annoying.
Like many of you, I have read the magazine articles, run out to get the dating books (I practically broke down the door to Borders to get my copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” and the Stevie Harvey Saga) and had the roundtable discussions with both my male and female friends about the current state of relationships. You know what I figured out? None of that mess works. At least not for me or many of my friends.
It took for my life to take some pretty drastic emotional turns (turns that didn’t have anything to do with my love life) for me to realize that the only way that I would gain any wisdom about life and love was to let myself go through it. Some may look at that decision and say “Okay, Nesh. You’re real reckless with your emotions.” But I do not agree. When you go through a difficult time in life, you learn where your true strength lies: your heart. Contrary to popular belief, your heart never breaks or leads you down the “wrong path.” Your heart is all knowing and all trusting, which means that it will not lead you into any situation that it’s not strong enough to see you through. When relationships don’t work out, the first thing we say is “My heart is broken.” Your heart is fine. It’s your ego that’s shattered and on the floor.
Your heart said “I love this person” and your mind said “I have to make this last.” When it ends, it’s your mind that cannot accept that it’s over. Your mind needs a reason, or better yet, it needs someone to blame. It has to be someone’s fault. Were you not pretty, smart, freaky, submissive, aggressive, honest, loving, strong enough? Was he “not worth anything?” Was it those trifling hoes of the world tempting him away from your goodness? Why didn’t it work out? Meanwhile, your heart says, “Who said it didn’t work out? We got what we needed from that experience. We will be fine.” You’re so preoccupied with your analysis that you cannot hear your heart saying “Hellloooo! Didn’t you hear me say I’m fine?”
Right now, I can honestly say that I am blissfully happy. And it got to be that way once I stopped obsessing over how to hold on and just let it flow. I stopped trying to label it or control it or predict it. I stopped dogging it out when things weren’t going my way. I stopped seeking advice. I instead put all of my energy into enjoying every single moment of life that I can.
God Bless
Like many of you, I have read the magazine articles, run out to get the dating books (I practically broke down the door to Borders to get my copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” and the Stevie Harvey Saga) and had the roundtable discussions with both my male and female friends about the current state of relationships. You know what I figured out? None of that mess works. At least not for me or many of my friends.
It took for my life to take some pretty drastic emotional turns (turns that didn’t have anything to do with my love life) for me to realize that the only way that I would gain any wisdom about life and love was to let myself go through it. Some may look at that decision and say “Okay, Nesh. You’re real reckless with your emotions.” But I do not agree. When you go through a difficult time in life, you learn where your true strength lies: your heart. Contrary to popular belief, your heart never breaks or leads you down the “wrong path.” Your heart is all knowing and all trusting, which means that it will not lead you into any situation that it’s not strong enough to see you through. When relationships don’t work out, the first thing we say is “My heart is broken.” Your heart is fine. It’s your ego that’s shattered and on the floor.
Your heart said “I love this person” and your mind said “I have to make this last.” When it ends, it’s your mind that cannot accept that it’s over. Your mind needs a reason, or better yet, it needs someone to blame. It has to be someone’s fault. Were you not pretty, smart, freaky, submissive, aggressive, honest, loving, strong enough? Was he “not worth anything?” Was it those trifling hoes of the world tempting him away from your goodness? Why didn’t it work out? Meanwhile, your heart says, “Who said it didn’t work out? We got what we needed from that experience. We will be fine.” You’re so preoccupied with your analysis that you cannot hear your heart saying “Hellloooo! Didn’t you hear me say I’m fine?”
Right now, I can honestly say that I am blissfully happy. And it got to be that way once I stopped obsessing over how to hold on and just let it flow. I stopped trying to label it or control it or predict it. I stopped dogging it out when things weren’t going my way. I stopped seeking advice. I instead put all of my energy into enjoying every single moment of life that I can.
God Bless
4/3/11
In Another World
Would you describe yourself as an extrovert or introvert? It's no surprise that I have a hard time identifying with just one or the other. I'm very self-reflective - always preoccupied with my dreams, visions and thoughts. I require some quiet time to myself; otherwise, I start to feel overwhelmed. And yet, I'm very friendly and outgoing. I like to connect with good people. I tend to take a leadership role in small groups. I'm always paying attention to the emotional currents in my environment like - who was just offended by a comment, who feels uncomfortable to speak but wants to be heard, who's being overbearing and needs to be buffered, etc. My conscious naturally seeks to maintain peace and balance wherever I go. Sometimes I'm so busy noticing the energy and the body language around me that I totally tune out of the conversation. As a result, I often feel like I'm in a different world than everyone else. I suppose we all feel that way for one reason or another.
3/21/11
The Stuff that makes life worth it
A long while back a friend said I was negative. Okay, he didn’t exactly call me negative, but after he asked a series of questions to which I responded negatively, his face said it all. It really made me analyze myself: Do I see the world through grey colored glasses? Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, but after careful consideration, I admitted to myself, I probably had the tendency to speak of it that way. I think back then I hid my inner Negative Nancy from myself for so long, by adding an upbeat and chipper voice and Colgate grin to all my complaining; and topping it off with a positive spin. But ugly is ugly, both inside and out!
I blog and talk a lot about what confounds me. On my page to you all, in realy life, to those I feel safe with. I’m obsessed with figuring out why the world as I see it- generally odd and scary- is… well, odd and scary. But I see beauty too. I see more beauty than I give myself credit for seeing. As a matter of fact, there’s so much beauty around me that the odd and scary pretty much drive me insane; without it, this world would be amazing. But odd and scary are here to stay-it started with a serpent and who knows how it’ll end- so some things just have to be looked beyond and spoken over.
So whatever tint the glasses are, the world is kaleidoscopic and very few things are better than…
Having a really good Monday. Running into someone who says "Heyyyy, I was just thinking about you". Smiling children who ask for constant hugs. Doing good for others. Waking up earlier than you have to and being okay with it. A conversation with your best friend where neither of you annoy each other. A quiet moment. Taking a nap just because you want to. Realizing you’re a better person than you used to be, even in the most miniscule way. Putting together the perfect outfit. Laughing so hard your belly hurts. Breakfast for dinner. Getting a compliment from another women, it's so hard to now a days. A really good church service. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, frozen. Three day weekends. Full fledge vacations. Staycations with the ones you love. Finding your keys. Hearing the song you used to LOVE when you were younger. Listening to the stories of an elderly person- the nice ones. The end of the semester. Every now and then, letting someone have it who deserves it, so they back off a little. A smirk when a smart alec says something "they think" is incredibily funny. Exes who get fat! Life fulfilling careers. Freedom. The idea of making love in the rain even though I wouldn't because I hate being cold. The hot bubble bath after a long day. An incredible foot massage that is long enough to enjoy. My grandma’s fried cornbread (I miss it). My mother’s hugs. My daddy’s smiles. Life as it is/was/will be.
I blog and talk a lot about what confounds me. On my page to you all, in realy life, to those I feel safe with. I’m obsessed with figuring out why the world as I see it- generally odd and scary- is… well, odd and scary. But I see beauty too. I see more beauty than I give myself credit for seeing. As a matter of fact, there’s so much beauty around me that the odd and scary pretty much drive me insane; without it, this world would be amazing. But odd and scary are here to stay-it started with a serpent and who knows how it’ll end- so some things just have to be looked beyond and spoken over.
So whatever tint the glasses are, the world is kaleidoscopic and very few things are better than…
Having a really good Monday. Running into someone who says "Heyyyy, I was just thinking about you". Smiling children who ask for constant hugs. Doing good for others. Waking up earlier than you have to and being okay with it. A conversation with your best friend where neither of you annoy each other. A quiet moment. Taking a nap just because you want to. Realizing you’re a better person than you used to be, even in the most miniscule way. Putting together the perfect outfit. Laughing so hard your belly hurts. Breakfast for dinner. Getting a compliment from another women, it's so hard to now a days. A really good church service. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, frozen. Three day weekends. Full fledge vacations. Staycations with the ones you love. Finding your keys. Hearing the song you used to LOVE when you were younger. Listening to the stories of an elderly person- the nice ones. The end of the semester. Every now and then, letting someone have it who deserves it, so they back off a little. A smirk when a smart alec says something "they think" is incredibily funny. Exes who get fat! Life fulfilling careers. Freedom. The idea of making love in the rain even though I wouldn't because I hate being cold. The hot bubble bath after a long day. An incredible foot massage that is long enough to enjoy. My grandma’s fried cornbread (I miss it). My mother’s hugs. My daddy’s smiles. Life as it is/was/will be.
2/24/11
about me...
bag lady.
digital nerd.
beauty junkie.
shoe whore.
sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks.
know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.
1/23/11
Are you Pretty or Sexy?
So a facebook status today that said "Ladies, would you rather be pretty or sexy"
A couple ladies answered “pretty.” Some of their reasons being: “sexy” is a compliment with lustful connotations and that sexiness really doesn’t last beyond youth, while a woman can be “pretty” forever.
I was among the group of women who picked “sexy.” “Pretty” really only describes one thing: your face. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly appreciate it when people tell me I’m pretty, but I consider my “prettiness” a nod to my gene pool. It’s like “Aww thank you,” but in my head I’m saying I’ll tell my parents you appreciate their handiwork.
Sexiness, on the other hand, can be determined by a multitude of factors. Confidence can be sexy. Grace can be sexy. Intelligence can be sexy. Style can be sexy. Sexy can also be intangible. We all know people who have that “It” quality, a je nais se quoi that makes them irresistible. Sexy is that thing Maya Angelou waxed poetic about in “Phenomenal Woman” that makes “pretty women wonder where the secret lies.” Pretty may catch an eye, but sexy can command an entire room.
I don’t buy into the notion that sexiness doesn’t last beyond youth. Plenty of women maintain their sexiness well into and even beyond middle age. Diahann Carroll and Lenna Horne gave many young girls a run for their money. How long did the late Earth Kitt keep that slender, Catwoman body intact? Stacey Dash???? Just sick sick sick wit' it. Furthermore, “pretty” can be lost to wrinkles and hard living. As a woman you have way more control over your sexy than your pretty. (Unless you have access to plastic surgeons. But how many of those procedures actually maintain one’s attractiveness? You may retain your youth, but plastic ain’t pretty to me.)
And my final point in the battle of pretty vs. sexy, ask any 40+ woman which compliment she relishes more? Nine out of ten, I bet it ain’t pretty.
So what say you, ladies? If you had to choose would you rather be considered pretty or sexy?
A couple ladies answered “pretty.” Some of their reasons being: “sexy” is a compliment with lustful connotations and that sexiness really doesn’t last beyond youth, while a woman can be “pretty” forever.
I was among the group of women who picked “sexy.” “Pretty” really only describes one thing: your face. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly appreciate it when people tell me I’m pretty, but I consider my “prettiness” a nod to my gene pool. It’s like “Aww thank you,” but in my head I’m saying I’ll tell my parents you appreciate their handiwork.
Sexiness, on the other hand, can be determined by a multitude of factors. Confidence can be sexy. Grace can be sexy. Intelligence can be sexy. Style can be sexy. Sexy can also be intangible. We all know people who have that “It” quality, a je nais se quoi that makes them irresistible. Sexy is that thing Maya Angelou waxed poetic about in “Phenomenal Woman” that makes “pretty women wonder where the secret lies.” Pretty may catch an eye, but sexy can command an entire room.
I don’t buy into the notion that sexiness doesn’t last beyond youth. Plenty of women maintain their sexiness well into and even beyond middle age. Diahann Carroll and Lenna Horne gave many young girls a run for their money. How long did the late Earth Kitt keep that slender, Catwoman body intact? Stacey Dash???? Just sick sick sick wit' it. Furthermore, “pretty” can be lost to wrinkles and hard living. As a woman you have way more control over your sexy than your pretty. (Unless you have access to plastic surgeons. But how many of those procedures actually maintain one’s attractiveness? You may retain your youth, but plastic ain’t pretty to me.)
And my final point in the battle of pretty vs. sexy, ask any 40+ woman which compliment she relishes more? Nine out of ten, I bet it ain’t pretty.
So what say you, ladies? If you had to choose would you rather be considered pretty or sexy?
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