On fumes

So it's about 10am and I'm on some crazy fumes I guess. My anxiety has come and gone and I've been up all night. Philosophy, the dreaded class that has tried my nerves, frustrated me to no end, made me damn near through the lap top across the room, kept me up in the morning and now made me stay up all night is nearly done.  11 weeks ago I began the journey of attempting two law classes and a philosophy class in one semester. I feel tired in my body, but that 7 page philosophical synthesis on ME is finally done. Honestly, I could have probably gone back in this blog and pulled out all my thoughts and opinions and created something grand but my professor might have thought that without my ties to Aristotle, Plato, Kant and Einsten it was worthless. At least by his standards. I have done more citing, quoting and paraphrasing in the last 10 hours than in my entire college career. My mind is mush and I could think of nothing more than to write about it before I slept for a few hours.  It is due today at 1:00pm. I submitted it at 3am this morning to the sounds of my family's snores, Trutv, Ledisi and my space heater.
I could have turned it in a week ago, but then, that would be uncharacteristic of Nesha. Instead weekly this class has been a struggle for me and my work has been submitted usually at 12:30pm, a half hour before the deadline. I'm glad it's over. I will say, I know more, but about what? That is a discussion for another day.
At the same time my law classes make me smile. It's coming together. I received an A on my midterm (the only A in the class) and I will take my final next Monday. I'm worried but the material has stuck for the most part.  I don't really like this class much. The majority of the students are paralegals and it frustrates me when the professor, an attorney says "when you all go out into your field as paralegals..."...ummm not. Not bias, it's just not my thing.

Okay...I'm wrapping this up. I'm exhausted and rambling. Twin B is the only one playing a sport right now. I sometimes wonder if Twin A misses basketball at all.  He's training already for next year's football season. Twin B is having a great time but hasn't quite got his basketball legs under him, hence the hands on knees after three trips up the court.  His team won their first tourney this past weekend in Santa Cruz. Nice weekend, but not beach weather. I was so cold the majority of the time and it's nearly impossible to get a cell signal in that hole. Okay, okay enough...until later. Above is an updated picture of me. Season training (diet wise) begins this week. My current weight is 146...yeah you like huh. This is so not cute. I don't have clothes for a 146 lb body, I looked like a stuft potato in most things.  I've put on the weight and the muscle and now it's time to trim it down a bit and get ready for March. Enjoy the full face. It will be leaving soon.
Nesha

Not much to say...Football done

Twins and Ya Ya and Pa pa

High school football is over. I've had a blast. These boys have made me love this game. I mean realistically, I've always liked football. I had a football boyfriend or two and enjoyed watching them on the field but nothing could prepare me for the love I would have for this game once my boys suited up in the pads.  The thought that my son would take a role in which every game the defender would be set on crashing him and ripping the ball from his hands as he fought for yardage has made me sick, thrilled, insane, excited and many other indescribable emotions. 

Last Friday we lost to a team that was not better than us but, definitely more prepared for the emotions.  We showed up to a dog fight in our ballet shoes. (I posted the whole story, then decided against it and erased it). The boys played their hearts out and left nothing on the field. I'm proud and I continue to fall in love with the men they are becoming more each day.

College awaits, back to the bottom of the totem pole on the football field as Twin A continues to ponder his next move. Twin B moves on to basketball and his senior season on the hardwood. 

On a side note...CJ and Daddy's team won the championship! CJ enters the Ward realm of building a tradition of champions!

Been Slacking

So I realize I've been slacking on my updates and life in general. It seems its all just one big day lately. I feel extremely exhausted and there can't possible be enough hours for everything. I'm sitting down to get a good update in but no telling when I'll be able to do it again...lol

This senior year seems to be flying by. I'm saddened that in a little over a month I will be a mother of 18 year old twins. Wow is the only word to describe this. The football season has flown by and last Friday was the first playoff game for the their team. We were ranked #5 and played the #12 seed. This division is so deep though, that could have been ugly. Twin A finished with 3 touch downs and was sat down early in the 3rd to save him for what promises to be a physical game against the #4 spot next week. Twin B also continues his starting role at DB and was on an island by himself daring them to through it for most of the night. Finally score was 47-21 but we went into halftime leading 34-0. All scores thereafter were scored on our second string and a host of sophomores brought up after their season for playoffs.

The first quarter ended well with Twin B pulling out his usual good grades. I'll take his 3.6 any day to the 2.5 I solidly had in high school.  Considering he only has 4 classes it should be a bit higher though. Unfortunately, Twin A has a full load complete with two sciences, a math, english, religion, spanish 2 and government. No room for error in his quest to clear the NCAA clearinghouse.  He does well for his stringent academic regimine but I feel bad for him on somedays.  He pulled out the first quarter just under a 3.0, we'll see how he does with finals this semester.

They have finally decided which schools they will apply to and I'm happy to say only two California schools are in the hunt. The other schools include 2 others still on the west coast and a southern school. Yes, all the same schools. Twin A just finally said it "I don't want to go out of state unless my brother comes". aawww, my heart melted  just a bit, but it took him forever to say it.

Finally, senior night wiped me out. I was an emotional wreck for the majority of the day and cried anytime someone asked me how I felt. As the boys ran toward me with their flowers, I could barely see through my tears but wanted to have "no ugly face" pictures so I straightened up. I can't imagine my life without these boys. The love I have for them feels my heart each and everyday.

Lots of talks with them this year and they are sharing some great stuff.  I love that they talk to me and share their thoughts on their life, God and the future.  I will say, I hate their whole "twitter-swag", but they have to have an outlet so I'll let it be..for now.

Back to my hole and making my nitch in this world, taking care of my family, Jr. Rams, basketball, football, law school (which has become overwhelming lately), and everything that is Nesha.

I've Learned...

Thinking about my, i've learned yet, if it's changed...if it's the same. Contemplating this morning the many things I've learned:
-pain is weakness leaving your body...this ables to many kinds of pain

-God first, then family...period.

-a person will only do what you allow

-men are much slower at learning life lessons and applying them

-sometimes there are only temporary fixes.

-I posses something much deeper than appears to the naked eye, I finally know that

-love is a powerful thing. That's all

-you cannot change a person but you can be a person’s motivation to change

-set you boundaries early in a relationship and stick to them no matter what. If you don't, you'll regret it

-if you feel like someone is talking to you, most of the time they are

-children are such beautiful blessings

-GOD truly is LOVE

-it’s ok to cry

-relationships are about compromise, not sacrifice
-love does sometimes hurt

-credit is everything

-education is key

-people are always watching you, even when it doesn’t seem like it

-actions speak louder than words

-being independent is good but God created us to be Inter-dependent; NOT dependent, NOT CO-dependent (Joel Olsteen)

-some people just won’t ever get it

-intimacy = in to me see

-I have a deep affect on most people I encounter

-I can’t just give a little. It’s all or nothing

Song in My Head

PERFECT!

50 Questions

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?


my mom came up with my name and my dad is the only one who calls me my full name.



2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

yesterday...had a mini breakdown, but I'm okay now



3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

no its horrible



4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Salami



5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

yeap



6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

of course and I would love me too



7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?

I should use it a bit less,.



8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

Yes



9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

never



10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

raisin bran



11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

Not normally


12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Physically, yes,.. Emotionally, not so much



13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

Chocolate



14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Their posture, their hair, smile(teeth), and humour(if any)



15. RED OR PINK?

Neither



16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

I let people walk all over me (sometimes)



17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

Gran...but my mom right now


18. WHAT IS THE PAUL MCKENNA TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST? hmm.. just following 4 golden rules in general



19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

hate shoes



20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

Chiptole burrito bowl



21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

Judge Judy



22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Green



23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Vanilla and Donna Karan



24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

My Mom



25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?

Either



26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Track, football, basketball



27. HAIR COLOR? #2 (inside joke)



28. EYE COLOR? BROWN



29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

yes, sometimes



30. FAVORITE FOOD?

too many too name but currently I'm loving off season bananas



31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

happy endings



32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

Mahogany



33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

Pink...but i still hate the color



34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Summer


35. HUGS OR KISSES?

Hugs, if they smell good



36. FAVORITE DESSERT?

Anything with chocolate in it,..



37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?

body building baby!



38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?

tele



39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

Audacity ...again, The Dream Weaver...a boys journey



40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

mouse pads are so last decade



42. FAVORITE SOUND?

giggling little boys and the SMACK OF THE PADS ON FRIDAY NIGHT! - In winter I love the Whoosh of the 3



43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?

Hmm both are good,. stones



44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

Japan



45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

yes, and thats all i have to say about that



46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

In a hospital??..



47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?

in a big house that makes too many noises in the day time



48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE? Err,. brown





49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?

which car?



50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS?

nosey

Things I just don't understand...

• how and why Dr. Conrad Murray is on trial for the death of Michael Jackson, when MJ clearly embraced his spiral towards death




• Men. I thought I did, but I don't.



• Anyone who refers to themselves as a "Relationship Expert", and actually believes it



• Fact that talk show personality Wendy Williams has a live, breathing audience



• Black Entertainment Television airs the same movies, over and over and over again



• People who decline to order anything, yet, soon as your food arrives, they dig their hungry eyes into plate and point, "Let me see what that tastes like."



• why I don't have the patience to allow my phone to fully charge



• Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo. Still. Not sure if he even has himself figured



• why America creates its heroes, builds them up, only to rip every fiber of their being completely apart



• why people place expectations upon others, nevermind how unfair or unrealistic. Then, become unnerved when THEIR expectations aren't met

Ugly Truths...get over it

1.We are all self-centered. Even the most selfless person is actually self-centered. We cannot help it, because we’re human. The sooner you realize that it is in your nature to think of only yourself, the less surprised you are when others put themselves before you. Well..actually…the act of you being appalled that others aren’t thinking of you is pretty self-centered, don’t you think?


2.The world will never be a better place. It’s not supposed to be. As long as we are civilized (in the economical sense), then there will always be poor, dying people in this world. Guess what? Your purpose shouldn’t be to make the world a better place, anyway. Make your world a better place. Many of us don’t get that far (see number 1 for explanation). I know people who spend their lives putting humanitarian effort into other countries but fail to impact the people that exist around them everyday. You live where you live for a reason. Ignoring your world, and you’re life won’t make much of a difference globally.

3.Guess what will happen when you die? Not to you, but to the rest of us…still living, I mean. We will go on living. Without you. Great things will happen once you’re gone. God still has a purpose for the rest of us, and yours will cease to exist. So, while you’re here, stop acting like your purpose is the only one that matters.

4.There is an ultimate truth. There has to be. If you believe in scientific fact, then you’ve already opened yourself up to the notion that Absolute Truth exists. But, everything else…is simply your perception. Never. Ever. Mix the two.

5.Kindness trumps self-righteous virtue, any day. The moment you start to think you know better than another human being, the moment you become an enemy of God.

6.FOX News is a cesspool for bigoted, conservative bullies. And they do not represent the Christian stance. Since when does standing up for ”Christian” morals make you a Christian? No matter how you slice it, we are not on the same side.

7.Technically, there is no such thing as love at first sight. Maybe love at first hearing…or like at first sight, but there is no way you can love (in the true sense of the word) by simply seeing another person. Any person who believes in it is slightly misguided.

8.Even in the smallest part, we all end up like our parents. Whether you believe in either side of the Nature or Nurture debate, you’ll still get the same result. Get over it…there’s still so much of you left to figure out.

9.The only thing that cures love's brokenheart is love.
10.Nothing, usually, is ever as serious as you’re making it in the moment. There are nations of people around the world, at this very moment, that are surviving hunger, poverty, attempted genocides of their nation, oppression, abuse, societal rape, natural disasters, etc. Surely, you have all that you need to get through this as well. Just take a second. Do your brain a favor, and give it some extra oxygen. Breathe.

11.God’s given us all the choice to invent & reinvent ourselves into whatever we want, but knowing your Creator intimately is like saying hello to yourself for the first time.