Time Number 2 - Random Stuff

Listen. I understand the fact that Hollywood is an entertainment business, all about the almighty dollar, and would stop at nothing to make a dollar. But every so often there arrives a film that, afterward, should never be remade, ever again. In my opinion Juice is one of those serious films. Not only is a remake scheduled, but, bubblegum rap artist Soulja Boy, of all people, is slated to portray the role of Bishop, a character owned by the late Tupac Shakur. Trust, Pac has turned over in his grave.



Lately, I find myself listening to one song in particular by one of my favorite male recording artist Lyfe Jennings. The song, Statistics, is of the "if you don't know, now you know" variety which, of course, in my opinion, are the best kinds of songs. As always, Lyfe breaks down the game in a way that it should remain forever broken. In other words, a woman can never say she was blind to the fact.


Sometimes I believe that, as a woman, I have arrived at the point in my life where I no longer look to obtain new relationships, friendships, bonds. Nowadays, I simply look to make good on all the connections that I have built over the years. I realized that much of my blood, sweat and tears have gone in vain. I figure, I put it down, so it's only natural that I pick it up. Feel me.


Teach Me How To Dougie: Michelle Obama has to be the most down to earth First Lady that my eyes have ever witnessed. Check out this video of her dancing with a group of middle school students in Washington, DC. Being a sista born and raised in Chicago, Illinois, one has to figure that Michelle kept her "street dancing" to a minimum for the camera.

Can't keep asking me to speak me about Osama. Matter of fact, I don't want to speak about Osama.

Starts with a Question - A Poem

It starts with a question
one patient
the other full of anticipation

Bated breath, and teeming desire
seeking the warmth of our love
we huddle around its fire

Seems just right but sometimes
too much
feeling smothered but
still longing for the touch?
So it becomes a struggle
toward the same goal
like running in a
3 leg race
we can win !!!
just keep a slow steady pace
this is us
our love
endearing
tender
irritating
and affectionate

like an unborn child
waiting for the day to be truly born
having felt and heard the world thru
the womb
ready for the rest of its life

friend
lover
companions


the patient one
has to remind the anxious

....."we will be there love , take it easy

Song In My Head

I was feeling this, words and all...the beautiful ones, everytime.

I'm on Time Out

May I admit an uncomfortable truth about myself to you all this morning?


I, NW -Powerful Beyond Measure, am easily influenced.

It doesn’t seem that way, does it? Especially because I’m always waxing poetic about following my own path and not caring what others think. Yes, this is the way that I live my life, but I never said that the influences of the outside world do not enter my mind.

Last night, I was watching Entourage and somehow what should have been another of many good television-watching experiences turned into a full-blown attack on my self-esteem. It was an internal dialogue I’ve had so many times that I could probably recite it backward:

Look at these guys, charging through Hollywood and pursuing their dreams at full-speed. Even when things go bad, do they freak out and quit? No, they stay positive and keep pushing forward. They’re not whining about mental illnesses and why they can’t do it, they just get it done. That’s why your butt is thirty-seven years old, sitting here, and watching this from cowtown USA. For all of your so-called intellect, talent, and charisma, it’s all wasted potential because you’re too weak to make something real of yourself.

Once again battered by the malicious bully in my head, I ended up in tears.

Normally, I would have taken this rant in my head and used it as inspiration to start some new habit or venture that would magically transform me back into the gung-ho “I want to rule the world” girl I was at twenty-five.

But this is what I’ve had to learn: every thought I have isn’t a truth. Every emotion doesn’t deserve an action; especially when you have a mind such as mine that can and will turn against you in a heartbeat. So I sat, in the middle of my bed and let the tears fall until a voice of reason (I like to think it’s the God in me) spoke up.

First of all, when did fame become part of our definition of success? Remember we said our first priority will always be peace of mind? And how are you wasting your talent if you’re school, playing Superwoman, as fit as you've been in your life, running this, doing that, creating this and that? And why are you comparing yourself to fictional TV characters? And why are you acting like your life is over once you hit 40? Stop. You’re trippin.

I exhaled, the tears stopped, and I felt a little better.

The truth is that I’m still wrestling with living my truth. I have a vision for my life. One that is quiet and simple, but it makes me smile when I think of it, so it’s fulfilling. It’s just difficult, sometimes, to hold on to that when the world demands that you move faster, be bigger, and never be satisfied.

Still, I’m proud to say that I win a small battle in the war to control my mind everyday. Who knows? One day, I just might master this whole thing and in my own mind rule the world.

HATERS GON' HATE...congrats CAM

I caught my blood boiling today while listening to commentators like Steve Young, spew their "knowledge" regarding just how smart they believe Cam is not.  Reality is if this kid was "lighter" there wouldn't be a problem in the world with his past issues.  The media would say...he's a kid, he was young, his daddy is stupid, that has nothing to do with him. Instead you hate you cause you ain't me. You hate me cause I went to a JC first and did my thing, then transferred and did my thing, and finally went to Auburn and did the DAMN thing, point blank. You hate me cause I am the the alpha male, the BLACK KEN DOLL! 6"6, good hands, good feet, Adonis with a great smile and I'll make more more than you've ever seen. That's the reality of it. deal with it!  Cam's daddy thinks highly of his kid. He said what many others think "all that money my son making for ya'll, he should be getting paid", so what...he said it...DAMMIT! AND? What's that got to do with his son? His son made some early mistakes...just cause he isn't Grant Hill who never made a mistake in his life, and you have been perfect and lived straight your entire life. Everybody's story doesn't start out that way. Yeah, I said Grant Hill...ya hurd me!

"I was very immature during my early career playing college football. I will be the first person to say I wasn't ready to play football at the time. And I was too naive to even think that way, but now I'm looking back at it. I wasn't ready to play football during the time I was at Florida," he said.

Stop sitting and judging people that you don't have nothing to do wit'.  You mad cause your sperm didn't produce no million dollar babies? Don't be mad! Be happy..now you get to sit and hope he messes up every Sunday. Go Get 'em Cam

Sincerely,
Stop hating

Not Quitting

In mid-2010, I set a goal. In summary, I set this goal for the following reasons:


*To practice discipline, faith and resilience
*To have a testimony to inspire others
*To have the kind of physique you don't see everyday i.e. differentiate myself
*To change a destructive pattern that I've struggled with for a long time (quitting!)

The first three reasons all support the fourth development goal to break hindering patterns in my life. I've been equally afraid of success and failure for as long as I can remember. I have sabotaged and talked myself out of so many things with my destructive behavior and negative thinking. The health and fitness goals I have for my body and the corresponding requirements are teaching me so much about myself. Historically, when I'd see some growth, I'd gradually start slacking off with my routine. Why do we stop doing things when we clearly see that they are working?? Well, sometimes we're afraid that we won't be able to maintain a consistent, high level of success. It's like being in a relationship where things are good, and it scares us so we sabotage it by acting up before something bad happens. Somehow we feel that we'd rather be in control by ruining it ourselves rather than something outside of our control ruining it. It's backwards, but for many of us, it's a standard method of operation.
Many times when we quit, we don't admit to ourselves that we've quit. We just stop doing the things we need to do. We fall back into old habits and tell ourselves that things will be different this time. We tell ourselves that we're not ready. We have all the excuses in the world. What's changed for me is that I've bumped my head up against the wall for so long trying to make progress with nothing but defeat on my mind, that I have no other choice but to acknowledge that quitting doesn't work for me. It doesn't boost my self-esteem; it damages it. It doesn't make me feel safe anymore; it scares me. Quitting scares me more than failure. I'll take failure any day because it means that I'm alive and I'm making the most of my life and I'm trying. I don't want to just exist, and I don't want my movements through life to be fearful and/or oblivious. Give me determination, patience and purpose.

Hey, maybe that's it. Maybe purpose is what makes the difference. When you're truly passionate about something, you simply can't quit. The pathway can take unexpected turns, and you can end up here instead of there but that purpose remains. Purpose is the only juice you need to keep going.

While I used to believe that it was a long shot for me to ever grow a viewable muscle, I now have no doubt in my mind that I will reach that goal this year. It's only a matter of time and discipline.
Things I keep reminding myself:
*Remember that everything you set your intention to do is about your experiences along the way, not the end result.
*Only commit yourself to things that you believe in with your heart and soul.
*Everytime you make a decision about what to do next, ask yourself if this is the same thing the "old you" would have done. If it is, do the opposite.
*If you fall off, don't abort the whole mission. Pick right back up where you left off as if you never fell off in the first place. For example, if you ate poorly on Monday, don't use it as excuse to not stick to your diet on Tuesday. Get right back on track.
*Visualize. Not just the end result, but also visualize what you want to get out of the experience and imagine the feelings you will feel when you see things through.

Doing my best to hit that number #1 spot.

Creator

So I had this conversation, one that is hard for me in which I tell those I love everything that is going on with my life. I don't have many people I can talk to in this way, most get the chalk talk, the top surface..you know...kids, life, how everyone is doing and I say fine because I know you don't REALLY want to know, its just the right thing to say. Every now and then I get to get it ALL out! I'm thankful for those moments. Probably the most fulfilling is knowing that the receiver is completely listening and understanding. I'm grateful.

This is one of the reasons I began to write. Part of the reason that a lot of writers write is to exercise control. Life can be chaotic, but when you put that pen on paper, you are in control of the words. You craft the beginning, middle and end. You become the Supreme Creator and changing destiny is as simple as hitting “delete.”


It’s easy to forget that we have similar control in our real lives. While we can’t always control what happens to us we can always write our own endings. Ultimately, we determine the arc of our lives. And the story can end one of two ways: the main character prevails or the main character fails.

I have no interest in writing a Shakespearean life for myself.

I so often need to be reminded that I am not a victim or prisoner of my circumstances. I get so caught up in the settings sometimes that I overlook the plot. I know how this story ends. The heroine will prevail.

I’m prone to so many artistic stereotypes. I’m moody. Temperamental. Insecure about my process. Sometimes I have to stop in the middle of the script and ask “Who is this woman? What does she want? How will she get it?”

But if I can hold on to that vision of the ending and trust in my creative ability to write the heroine out of whatever murky waters she may find herself in, then the happy ending will remain intact.The characters and the settings may change. But the ending doesn’t have to.

I will not lose.

Period.

Memo to self

This post will probably be brief and a little vague. I’m working some stuff out.


I’ve been fighting some things, a little stress this last week. There are some things in my life that have thrown me off of my game a little. I’ve been pissed, confused, melancholy, excited, mystified, felt vulnerable, incapable and again confused. My usual MO is to shut down and go within when I’m feeling out of sorts. I’m hard-headed. I hate advice and I’ve found that venting/complaining/discussing some of the uncomfortable circumstances of your life often leads to hearing views and opinions. Being the hardheaded capricorn that I am, I know what I need to do but my head and heart want to fight it. If I have yet to make a firm decision about my direction, new insight rarely helps.

I have the kind of mind that rarely forgets and so “not caring what people say” is easier said that done. It’s a gift that I believe I was given to accompany my gift of writing. It’s my purpose to record and recount. It’s easier to do that with a sharp, clear memory. The curse side of this is that it makes moving on particularly difficult. Hard to stay in the present when the past is in HD right in the front of your mind.

I’m still fighting battles in conversations I had months, weeks, days ago.

Memo to self: Leave it alone