Starts with a Question - A Poem

It starts with a question
one patient
the other full of anticipation

Bated breath, and teeming desire
seeking the warmth of our love
we huddle around its fire

Seems just right but sometimes
too much
feeling smothered but
still longing for the touch?
So it becomes a struggle
toward the same goal
like running in a
3 leg race
we can win !!!
just keep a slow steady pace
this is us
our love
endearing
tender
irritating
and affectionate

like an unborn child
waiting for the day to be truly born
having felt and heard the world thru
the womb
ready for the rest of its life

friend
lover
companions


the patient one
has to remind the anxious

....."we will be there love , take it easy

Without you I'm like...

some stuff from scribblings in my hardcopy journal...its sweet, cute, and filled with the perfect words of innocence.

Without you I'm like:

Peanut Butter with no jelly
A sandwich with no bread
Ashanti with no Nelly
A box spring with no bed

A hamburger with no bun
A tan with no sun
a theme park thats no fun
A game that's never won

Without you I'm like
Shoes with no laces
crooked teeth with no laces
spades with no aces
old women with no maces

A car with no gas
a golf course with no grass
a window with no glass
a stripper with no ass

A puppy with no legs
A homeless person that never begs
a party with no kegs
an omelet with no eggs

A car with no tires
a loose bolt; no pliers
a computer with no wires
a grill with no fire

Without you...no smiles...

Mi llama Nesha (Revealing Just a bit)

Working on revealing the real me for so long,
trying to get to the unedited,in stereo, the stuff I never wanted anyone to see
Trying not to be that simple woman, but not too complex,
I wish I had it in me to live in the moment, but I'm afraid of what's next,
I have to set the record straight
I am so tired of being Ms. Misunderstood...

When I look in the mirror I see someone full of bs, a slacker, a regretter
I so badly want to be that" go-getter",
What is it I want to "go get"?
Constant indecision puts out my fire
So many great things to which I aspire

The voices, the demons, insecurity scare away the potential I hold
Taking care of an entire house, but still I fold
my heart and mind are broken and it holds me back
I feel so constantly judged, mourning bad decisions, indecisions and the confidence I lack.
My D&G dreams get lost somewhere in my Target budget reality
stopping myself and I realize I will be alone forever with this mentality

My pain is hidden behind the crooked smirk I call a smile
It's all a front ya'll, I see your mouth moving but my mind is gone a country mile
Therapy continues in my head with every frown, grimace and grin
I'd like to think I'm more complex and my skin wasn't so thin.
where does it come from, all this pain
I close my eyes and search my mind. Damn, I know the reality is that I'm insane.
You know like, the red pill or the blue one, to make it through the day
tired of writing now, where can I lay?

I love it here, it's quiet no doubt
Can't hear what the voices are yellin about,
My mind plays tricks so I can't be alone too long
saving grace is often the 23 Psalms
Sometimes I feed off of human connection
Quite sure I've been a little "off" since inception.
Some people say "not wrapped tight" or a toy short of a happy meal.
I know I've got issues, just keeping it real

Told myself long ago I will not be ruled by what others perceive
It's just the opposite that I have achieved
always worried about this one and that
slowly have become a human doormat
working on allowing myself to get back

....okay I'm tired of this raggedy poem, I'm off to something else...sorry ya'll. Until next time

Just Life...

Everything in my life has truly happened for a reason
The answer to that age old question will come in my season
The question of "Why did that have to happen" in regards to the past
And as much as it hurt to look back into that mirror or glass
I must be reminded that someone had to die so that we may live
And someone sometimes has to be without so that I may give
And sometimes life situations must come to an ending
And sometimes the end is really just the beginning
There is a reason to everything that happens in life
Even the upset, heartbreak, headache, and the strife
It is a deep lesson when going through a painful past
But it is even deeper to share with someone how their pain won't last
Sometimes I wonder about the most simplistic of a thing
I wonder about life and what the future may bring
But I know that there is a reason behind everything that has been done
Even when at first I can't think of one

Some ...

Some say it’s unexplainable
Some say it’s unattainable
Some say it’s a true miracle, like two souls finding their other half.
people say its natural, others it’s near impossible.
Some are born together, some search forever; some well they just never find their other half.
Some meet on the street, at the bus terminal, or by chance of an empty seat.
It’s up to fate, some people say.
Other’s make their own fate, impatience, or dismay?
To me, I believe it’s like two sheets blowing in the breeze on a summer’s day.
Simple.
Like two Swans in a lovers embrace, or a two sided coin in my pocket of change.
Yet, it’s still seems a bit strange this unexplainable feeling of suddenly feeling whole.
But, what if your other half you never meet?
What if you’ve met them, and didn’t realize until they were with someone else?
Where was fate, on a washroom break?
Talking politics by the water cooler?
How does one know if others can’t even describe?
Is there a sign, a feeling, an inner vibe?
Some say its patience

unexpected

worth the wait.

Some say it’s as easy as hello, that initial feeling that love at first sight where you just know.

Some say.

Screw IT!

I am trying
To just live this life
At least survive the day
But when everything keeps hitting
From every side
Just maintaining my foothold
Takes every ounce of strength
That I don't even have
And here I am just trying to believe
Maybe I'll just live today
And then see how it goes
And maybe I'll make it to the next day
I'll see when I get there
For now I just need to find my next step
Found...for one more day.

Simply Truth

I can be irrational and difficult.
Moody and over-analytical.
Guide issues of the heart with the logic in my head.
Sometimes I will use too many seconds doubting and not enough of them noticing that someone thinks I'm perfect in all my imperfections.
simply....still...I am quite happy with who I am at the end of 2009.
I am continuing this work...on me...
Still an emphatic YES.


DISCLAIMER: sometimes my writing means nothing to anyone but me - I wish it were more intuitive at times.This is my continued therapy and as always it keeps me sane. Still I love you

Superwoman

I am Superwoman because
in a single bound I can make a smile out of a frown
because....
bad moments roll of my chest
like hot ones off a bullet proof vest
because.....
I can work, work it out, cook a tasty meal
give the kids a bath, perm my hair
and still have give him something he can feel
because.....
I can smell bullsh** coming
like Ray Charles can hear
a hummingbird humming
because...
I can tear down a persons brick wall
without using my hands at all
because....
I can balance being a mother, a wife, and a friend
all on one hand.
because...
I know although I'm just one person
I can help God give many blessings day to day.
I am Superwoman and with me there is no Superman

I Am

Bring me to a place....
where i dont belong...
and im sure,
that ill find my way home...
Im lost in a sea,
full of many things,
most of them dreams....
or things that are unseen.....
No one feels my struggle,
no one sees my pain....
No one understands my restraint...
my withdraw from the world....
from the society that surrounds me....
No one can see the things that haunt me....
No one can understand my fear....
They dont know why i dont want to get near....
They are so quick to judge,
They are so quick to nudge,
They are so quick to assume,
But no one dares to ask why,
why, sometimes at night i cry,
and sometimes i feel like i should die,
and sometimes...i feel like i shouldnt try....
But i keep on going anyway....
For those who understand,
for those who know,
For those who seen and watch me grow.....
For those whose seen those sleepless nights,
and foodless days....
For those who's love strayed away,
For those who had their heart broken,
and couldnt bear the pain...
i carry their burden,
i carry their name,
I am the hope,
I am the dream,
I am everything in between,
I am here to rise and succeed,
I am now what the world needs...
I am love,
I am strength,
I am happiness......
Im the definition of.....

Loving Myself (Practice Makes Perfect) - A Poem

The Art of Loving myself is one I have yet to master
I have to practice...every single day...
There are times when I peer into the mirror and
the face staring back says...I am unworthy...
it taunts and teases me...attempting to shred
my self esteem
and in those moments...I know I am learning
to love myself...
I come to life and go to war with myself
in order to defend myself...
Civil War on the battleground
of my soul...a place where I fight the
demons of my life...
funny to say I got bounceback...I always say that
everyone believes that is true...everyone but me
I try to do so with no fear
I stand in the face of the old me
the one who hangs her head...
only good to make a bed...or in bed...hhmmm
and squeeze the life from me
she must be dead...in order for the enlightened me to
rise resurrected from ashes...of days gone by
and do so seemingly everyday
for the art of loving myself
is one I have yet to master
I will never stop practicing

I Don't Understand How People

I wrote this a while back, thought I'd share just a little:


I don't understand how people
mistake familiarity for love
I don't understand how people
don't have courage to believe in themselves
I don't understand how people
don't have confidence in themselves
I don't understand how people
hate the feeling of what lonely may feel like
I don't understand how people
don't "Trust the Process"
I Don't Understand How People
Can stay in a relationship and hurt
I don't understand how people
let the past eat away at them
I don't understand why people
won't just get over it already
I don't understand how people
take it so personally
I don't understand how people
put themselves last and others first
I don't understand
MYSELF

**Disclaimer** Funny thing - I get emails and have had discussions regarding my blogs. My posts are not always my daily thoughts. Often times I go back in my journal and post some old things, sometimes it's more recent. Just know that if I discuss my personal life with you, you are priviledge. My inner circle is quite small. That being said, not everything is personal "at the moment". Relax a little folks. I love a good poem. More than that, I love myself, but there are times I don't understand myself. I love "in spite of", not "because of".

Thanks Sam_I_AM

While reading Sam's blog I found a great new site called Mama's Losing It. She provides weekly writing assignments. I love this!!!

Each week she provides a writing assignment prompt. I love it because it definetly gets my brain going when I'm having one of those "farts". This week's prompt:

The Prompts:

1.) If you were starring on American Idol TONIGHT and HAD to sing, what song would you choose and why.

I am not an American Idol fan. I watched it the first season and was so upset when Tamyra Gray was kicked off (she was truly the best) that I just haven't been interested since. I've peeked at it now and then from time to time when Ruben, Kelly, Fantasia and Jennifer were in the top but never on a constant basis. If I was forced to sing a song I think I would sing "Mary had a little lamb"...Hope this tells you how good I can sing. I would absolutely have a heart attack if I had to sing anything in a public forum. This includes Happy Birthday and the Star Spangled Banner. I always mouth the words.

2.) Take a picture of yourself right this minute without primping and explain to us why it is you have not washed your hair today.

I'm passin on this pic for now. I actually did just wash my hair this morning so nothing to see here folks. Keep it moving.



3.) What do you think about the NBA All Star game
I haven't made it to an NBA Allstar game yet although it is one thing I would absolutely love to do before I get to up in age and can't be cute sitting in the stands, especially if Kobe and Ray are still playing. I attended some events when it was in Oakland and was just in the atmosphere but nothing compares to actually being there live in color.

4.) What's your number one pet peeve? Develop a punishment for anyone caught in the act.

My number one pet peeve is people who don't use their blinkers. I can't stand it. Why do you feel you are so important that you can just hop over when ever that hell you feel like it? oooohhhh, you didn't see me behind you? Whateva! I'd love to have a probe come out of my tire wheel that popped the tire of anyone who cut me off. Is that mean? No, I don't think so.

5.) Write about something mean you did to a sibling growing up.
I was a VERY mean older sister. Still am when I need to put the smack down. I'm not sure what is the meanest. I've looked them in closets, poured fish tank water down ears while they were sleeping, I even hit one sister in the back with the phone receiver when she tried to run from me. Putting on scarey masks and robes and chasing them through the house. Sneaking out the house to go knock on their window at bedtime. Probably the worst is one I'm only willing to admit now and that is giving my sister ex-lax chocolate. Hopefully she won't read today.

5 Of My Greats

(pic - Nesha age 21 / Twin A and B 18 months)

As 2009 begins and I'm now beginning to hit my mid-30's in stride,I've had some bumps in the road along with many successes and I believe that I'm a pretty well rounded person. I began to think this evening about the many people who have had a great influence in my life the past years. I've been many places and met a lot of people. I've picked up something from most everyone be it good or bad. My family above all has shaped who I am but there have been some others people who have taught me invaluable lessons that I will take with me forever. In no particular order I give you my 5 most influential non-family members:

1. S. Diane Adamz-Bogus (aka Dr. Bogus) - Dr. Bogus was my English Professor at De Anza College. I've always loved English. It wasn't hard to enjoy this class but she took it to another level. She taught English while also teaching her class about the 7 major Chakras. Although my father, the pastor would be quite dismayed at my being in touch with the new age, I was at peace through the use of chakras while my life was in chaos. I was a new, 20 year old unmarried mother of twins trying to attend school with no money, a car that picked the days it wanted to run and everything in my life falling apart. In Dr. Bogus's class none of that mattered. She was able to teach English in a whole new way and look at you as if she truly knew you. She was able to walk by and touch your shoulder before class started and say "let that go, breath deep, center yourself and let's get to work" I earned at A that year and hated to give up her class.


2. Maya Carter - My own personal little savior in the 9th grade. I was a military brat who had just changed schools for the 3-4 time and appeared at a new school Hawaii in the middle of the year. I had no friends most of the year but a few acquaintances here and there. Just as I felt I'd never have another friend my entire high school career in popped Maya. A military transfer who had attended school in Hawaii in elementary school. Her mom had been transferred back east but then was moved back to Hawaii during Maya's 9th grade year and guess what? Maya knew EVERYONE! Of all the friends she knew she decided to extend a hand to a new friend and she and I were joined at the hip until my father's retirement during my senior year of high school (that's a whole other story). No matter what Maya has remained a true and lifelong bud and shown true friendship in every way.she's been honest whether I liked it or not and has continued to remain true blue.


3. Alicia Due - Another long life friend who has taught me so very much. Through her I have learned what it means to be a good wife, mother, christian and friend. Alicia is one of those people who walks into a room and there is a little glow behind her that could possibly be her little halo and wings. I love the fact that no matter how long it takes me to get back to her church they always welcome me with open arms. She always seems to call me just in time to give me the very best advice and a word of wisdom. The thing is I have very few friends who have known me since childhood and know how TRULY far I've come. "Cousin" Alicia is one of the friends that I wanted to emulate in every way. I couldn't wait to have her be my Maid of Honor at my wedding or the godmother to my children. She is the little angel that sits on my shoulder and I continue to try and make her proud.


4. Leonard Dodd -like Dr. Bogus this is someone who'll never realize that a gesture "mattered". Mr. Dodd is the father of my high school sweetheart and upon my first time meeting him he was very cordial but later in the evening following dinner he pulled me aside to sit me down and tell me that although he thought I was a nice person, I would stay in his good graces by always making sure to treat his son well. He said that his son was very important to him and under no circumstances was he to be hurt. I guess a little earlier into my immature teen years I may have taken this wrong but for some reason the stern voice didn't rattle me at all. Instead it let me know that he loved his son and wanted the best for him. I took it as a challenge after that to be his sons' best girlfriend ever, and I was too, until he eventually moved. Somehow those words from Leonard Dodd have remained with me throughout the years. I think ALL parents should have this same talk with anyone their child, boy or girl take seriously. If people know that you love your child and think they are special they will too and may think differently before treating them badly. I can't wait to have the first little chickenhead walk through the door so I can sit her down (smile)


5. Pastors Willie and Roxanne Harper - Funny how people can effect you in such a way and never even know it because it's just "what they do". This couple has the ability to make you feel as if everytime they see you, they haven't seen you in years. Not only are they always feeled with beautiful spirits of love but they also seem to have that little glow that follows behind their heads as well. As a little girl I watched Sister Harper during church with her long hair flowing all the way down her back and her perfect clothes and when she opened her mouth it was always to offer a kind word of praise. Pastor Harper seemed to always deliver a message that was exactly what I needed at that moment. As a young woman Sister Harper shared some things with me that made me rethink some of the choices I was making in life and how important the next few years would be to myself as well as my children. Now as an adult my children attend school with their youngest son and as I see them in passing at games and sometimes sit with them, they have not changed. They still light up a room as they entire and have that same twinkle in their eyes. I can only hope to touch lives here and there as I grow older and wiser.


I have many more important friends, family members and acquaintances along the way. These are only a few who have shaped a small portion of who Nesha has been, is and is becoming. Please don't be offended if you didn't make this "list". I take something from everyone I come in contact with throughout life. I am blessed to know many and can only hope that one day I'll be in someone else's top 5. Blessing...Nesha

If you look in my life you'll see what I see

Life is changing.

"just a peek"

Another day, another day passes and I'm rolling down this freeway looking at my rearview, see I drive in the rearview looking for the speeders, the police, the texter who is not paying attention or maybe just the little one sucking his thumb falling asleep to the beat that is hittin in the trunk and in my ears, damn I love this song 'I PUT ONNNNN' cause Kanye's bars hit sooo damn hard.

I stare at my own eyes in the rearview, and I think, I could drive all day and be cool with my thoughts that play in my head as long as John Lengend keeps singing "so high". I smile at myself and think, if they only knew, but I can never get far away enough from those thoughts that play in my head. I came to a crossroads and stood dead center in the road. Did I pick the right road? Or did I choose the easy road. Am I finding out now that I'm really just a lyric in an E40 song...cause I hated that song...I don't need to be saved and I damn sure ain't no hoe.

I travel further down the freeway and I almost feel like Larry Fishburne in that straight to video movie, Biker Boyz. I'm just flying down a tunnel and it's moving so fast, I'm focused on the end and there is something there I just can't quite see what it is. I'm pushing everyday to get to it but it seems to move further away as flashbacks of my life are on the sides of my head moving at the speed of light. I seem to make little pit spots along the way just to touch this one and that...and they give me just enough confidence to continue on with my journey.

I see that a crossroads is approaching again and I don't want to get to this one because I know this time I'll be forced to chose the second part of my life and I can't afford to pick the wrong road for my own selfish reasons but if I don't I may truly just die of my own sadness.

Seemed so much easier when life was school, waterbeds, mixtapes, and proms. It's funny cause I don't believe in that palm reader garbage but when I allowed her to touch my hand and read the lines she said my smile was not real and sadness filled my heart and I needed to please myself instead of everyone else and I damn near cried cause that was the same thing that God's been telling me in my prayers to him.



to be continued

Reminisce - With a Drink in my hand

I'm just feeling in the zone right now.
Maybe it's the Midori sore I had a minute ago
or the shot of patron I had after that
possibly this double shot in my hand about to go straight down my throat
but TI telling me I can have whatever I like is making me smile...that's a FACT
I'm looking around feeling like I'm
on Cloud 9 or maybe it's just the smoke in the air
and the fact that I still got it cause I see 'em lookin
but I'm so damn picky I don't even know which one I want to look at
man I'm going back o the bar...I better find my girls
That "GREEN LIGHT" Andre3000 verse comes in so hard!!
I'm on my way to the dance floor moving through the crowd
move the hell out my way cause I'm excited and singing LOUD
and after that they play another HIT
that new song by "T'Wayne" is my SHIT!
"Heeeeyyyy!", Whas Hapnin? all you haters get at me!"
I know all the words if you look at my lips utter the words you'll see
for a second I know I thought you all came to the club to see me
perform all these songs like I do in my bedroom except I'm in the club
in these two hundred something dollar shoes, I know I can't go wrong
...not tonight baby so I know after this dance you ain't putting your number
in my hand, I'm only dancing halfway t hrough then moving back to my girl crew.
I'm just smiling at you, no harm in flirting - so you go to yours and I'll home too
but first I'm headed to the closest place servin breakfast food...Nations in Jack London Square...3am pancakes just ain't fair
and as they let me out at my door, I'm saying damn that's what "Ladies Nights" are for.

Disclaimer - Mommies have fun!

The American Way

The US is on fire! WATCH IT BURN! WATCH IT BURN!
The common man is taking a beating! TAKE YOUR TURN! TAKE YOUR TURN!!
This SUCKA ain't gettin up fa sho!
Let's kick him again and let his simple ass KNOW!
How DARE you grow!
How DARE you show initiative!
Start a small business chump! Let's see how much money THAT GET!
TAX IT!
TAX IT!
TAX IT!
Give back ALL that money the government "stimulus" mailed OUT!
WE need that shit BACK for the NEXT big MULTI-BILLION dollar company we HAVE to BAIL OUT!!
Raise the gas prices HIGHER! Then a little more HIGH!
And don't you DARE look at me funny and ask WHY!
Now GO out and be a good citizen and work to pay back them high interest loans for the rest of your DAYS!
THEN die and pass the debt to your children...cause THAT'S the AMERICAN WAY!



I hope times change...
Tired of the same old Nonsense. Let's get out and Vote people! There is still HOPE for this nation to be everything we used to think it was.

I Feel like Writing

i feel like writing.........
something prolific, but not too deep
nothing like that depressing nonsence that puts people to sleep
nothing like that pause and stop poetry that people are used to
i want to write something that will use you
that'll use your sences and emotions as weapons on your heart
and make you think about things you've done and loves that have feel apart
make you cry and fill you up with enthusiasm to write yourself
then the rest of the day you can't think of anything else
I want to write something that touches the soul and inner being of the average man
Nothing too over the top so the everyone young and old can understand
stuff that will start revolutions in minds like Brother Malcolm, Obama and Dr. King
Words that fill you up with hope that you can do anything
gotta think of something that is like artistic and exciting
damn...thas too much work for all that...i don't feel like writing

Feeling Creative

My thoughts ramble so I truly need to get back to my writing, it releases me and lets folks not ask me so much, "whatcha thinking about"...damn, I'm just sitting here minding my business in my thoughts...can I just sit without there being something wrong? Just some thoughts I woke up with on this morning.

Have you registered to vote?

time to make our dreams and hopes elope
the government has had us hostages for years and
how it's time for them to LET MY PEOPLE GO!!
let my people GROW
I want to let my people know we don't have to be
broke no more
opened up the schools and they are givin out
grants and loans
low interest rates and after you graduate
guaranteed jobs for you to go
don't matter if you got corn rows or a fro
image is nothing but your THIRST is
everything...just so you know
put your best foot foreword and take a step after
that...don't quit
and another and another and start running like
you want a gold medal for it
I tip my hat to your future success
I set it up...now you finish the rest...

I PUT ON!

To be young, a mother, lots on my mind...I'm growing older tryin to get my shit together and "still" trying to be fine.
Got the kids in the back of the 'burb and but I'm singing loud, rolling through the parchochial school parking lot beatin out to "I PUT ONNNNNNNN"....the one they hate worst is the new John Legend cause when Andre's lyrics hit I say "OH HE CAN GET IT, ADMIT IT" they cover their faces...damn them...I'm young too fool. Don't be a hater cause your mamma still got it. Dont be mad cause your mama can still drop it.

When approach the entrance to the school and I turn the beat down....whispering the lyrics cause TI made it just for me - "I can have whatever I likeeeee", all stiff in my seat, handing out money and kisses as my car unloads...."Bye Mrs. Ward"....Mrs. Ward...I'm Nesha Dammit! Mrs. Ward is his mama.

I watch them walk in up the sidewalk to the school like they own that b**** and I think, damn I wish I had that swag at 14, had to wait until I grew a little butt and filled up a bra to actually get some courage.

And as I roll down the block bend the corner out of sight of the prissy, missy, noses in the air, I turn my beat right back up as I hit the road, lean in my seat and ride out....yeah yeah yeah "no one on the corner has swagger like me"...that's right dammit!

ps - if you know me...you laugh at this cause you don't see me, just lettin me hair down for a second now back to our scheduled program.