Doin Me

So there was a song out on the radio a couple of years ago by someone named Rocko (yeah not really sure who he is) titled Imma do me. Well actually when I googled the song (because I am getting old and out of touch), I found out that it was titled: Umma do me. Lawd! Please save the babies...

So the chorus to the song is as follows: you just do you and Imma do me…Never mind that the rest of the song is filled with the usual boasting and braggadocio of having money, platinum and other things us regular folk can never have… let’s just focus on: you just do you and Imma do me. Not too profound is it?

Years ago I read renowned theologian Howard Thurman’s book The Search for Common Ground and he writes: I have always wanted to be me without making it difficult for you to be you. Profound and insightful is it not? And dare I say the complex, philosophical version of: you just do you and Imma do me…And if I may add, way easier said than done...

Problem is this. I'm a capricorn. A born Ox. It's so hard for me to allow people to "DO THEM" without judging. If you've been reading my blog for a minute then you realize how "black and white" I am. I judge people so harshly at times. I'm really working on it. Some say it's not a big deal but it really is...I'm getting off subject. Let me get back on.

When I first read Thurman’s line years ago it made me pause because I thought about how difficult it is to let someone be who they are or who they want to be without bringing all your own stuff to the table. Parents place extraordinary expectations onto their children, friends have unrealistic demands of friends, spouses project their uncertainties onto spouses, etc, etc. At one point or another we have felt the need to tell somebody about themselves, about how they were living, about what they need to do: go back to school, leave that man alone, take that job, don’t take a risk and move to a different city… And if we haven’t said it to their faces, we’ve thought about it or gossiped with our other friends about it. We have brought our own fears and trepidation about our lives into someone else’s life and tried to stop them from being who they are and who they want to be.

A few years ago, a friend and I had tête à tête. I told her all about herself and what I thought about a certain situation she had been in, not in a mean way per se, but in a matter of fact, I think I’m being helpful and being a friend kinda way…And she retorted by telling me all about herself, her real self...Who she was at the time and who she is now. What she believed then and how she has grown from that situation. She revealed parts of psyche that I never knew (and I mean was I really entitled to knowing the inner workings of her mind) that left me like “oh is that what you been thinking all along? Well I ain't know all that…”

It was days after our exchange I thought about Thurman's line and I had one of those ‘doh’, I coulda had a V8 moments. I realized that I had brought how I would live my life into my friend’s life. And how many of y’all know that doesn’t work? I mean like ever. I had to really accept that just because we're friends or family, just because we share a lot of the same values, hopes and wants in life, doesn't mean that we approach situations the same way. I had brought a little too much of me into her life...

As 2010 approaches I have been thinking about ways that I want to improve, not resolutions that can be broken in a few weeks or a few months, but slight alterations or improvements that might take years of work to see results. And I have decided that I’m committed to doing me. I am ready to examine parts of me that may make it difficult for others to be themselves: my nosiness, my judgmental ways, my refusal to let some things go, my 'I know what's best for you' attitude... I’m committed to living my life and my life only, committed to emitting my inner fabulousness for all the world to enjoy, committed to being the best daughter, sister,friend, wife, mother, etc. that I can be without purposefully encroaching on the lives of others.

Now this isn’t to say that I won’t provide sage advice to those who ask (smile), but it does mean that I’m going to resist telling people (or spend a huge amount of time worrying about) what they need to do to get themselves together. As we get older, I see some friends growing up and getting themselves together, some remaining seemingly stagnant, some making decisions that I question and wonder how that’s going to work out later on, but I am really accepting that we all have our own path to take. And while we need all the support and encouragement as we walk down that road, when it's all said and done, no one can do it for us or make us do anything differently. So you just do you and Imma do me. For real this time.

Theme Music

My New Favorite Song. I think Fergie made it just for me. Reading my thoughts again.

Slighty Schizophrentic or Completely Sane

Fried Ocra? NOT!Talapia is new to me. Are you close to your mother? Your father? Your sister? Your brother?Good friend? Good Father? Good Mother? Are you happy with your decisions? Can you live with them? Is this really real? Do you smile when you feel like frowning? Can you make a way when there is no way? Would you give anything for it? Do you miss her, miss her...or just miss her? Can I get just a little D...elicious buffalo wings? What happened to my ipod? A million trips to Target. Look in my eyes. Cheese. Don't touch that spot. That's my spot. My name is written in the sand. That's so special. I've learned a lot. Changed a lot. Grown a lot. I'm still the same. A college kid? Wow? Boy or Girl? Silence is golden. Who would have thought.

Theme Music

My first love is music. I begin each day with it and I end each night with it. Music is the language of my heart and I could not imagine life without it. Every person has a soundtrack to their life. Songs that signify a special person, a unique place, a family gathering, or even a broken heart. Today, I am having a hard time putting words together. I am finding difficulty in synching my tongue [and fingers] with the body and soul. Therfore I am sharing with you the current melody that my heart beats.




I hope you enjoy. I may just a foolish dreamer but I don't care....

The Makings Of You

There's a time in your life when you find who you are
That's the golden time of day.

-Golden Time of Day, Maze featuring Frankie Beverly

Is this not one of the most beautiful ideas revealed in song? In life? Frankie n'em hit the nail on the head with this line right here. Even though as people we all grow and change, there comes a time when you have to set some standards, principles, convictions, truths about and for yourself. You have to know who you are and where you stand. Now let's not play ourselves, it takes some people longer than others to get there but hopefully everyone will…cause once you do, it's a beautiful thing, but it certainly is a process.

There are two people in my family, my gran and my uncle who was married to gran's daughter, and hearing stories about them has made them legends of sorts in my eyes. Both have now passed away. But whenever someone speaks about them, it's always with a quiet reverence and genuine admiration, like they left more than an impact but an imprint on my family’s soul.

It's interesting to hear what people have to say about someone, and not while their eulogy is being given at the funeral, but after that, years later, decades later even, when people remember the sums that made that person whole. It really says something that everyone has the same view of that person, without having to consult others for agreement, because that person left each individual with the same impression. And that's a powerful thing. Ain't it?

I'm not saying that either of these people walked through life, thinking "let me be this way so people have something good to say when I'm gone." But instead it seems that they knew what kind of people they wanted to be and they lived their lives accordingly. From these seemingly mundane, everyday activities of working, raising a family, character emerged, principles were revealed, and values were affirmed. And the people around them noticed and remembered. Now, I don't know what experiences helped shaped their final decision of how they wanted to live life, but I think that at some point, they had to have looked at life and said, this is how I'm going to navigate it, and this is the kind of person I'm going to be while doing it.

And that's a hard thing. To become a consistent person. To know yourself at your core and then to live your life in such a way that it’s revealed in the seemingly insignificant moments that in actuality string life together. That’s a beautiful thing. But it can take some work getting there. It can take some growing up, some exiting from a state of denial into one of acceptance about one’s flaws and imperfections, some true self examination of where you've been and where you want to go. I’m sure at one point or another; a lot of us have had to stop to ask ourselves: Who am I? What kind of person do I want to become? How do I get there? The hope is that you find the answers along the journey, hopefully in time, to enjoy the sunshine.

Dont Revoke My Pass

So what exactly do y’all think would happen if I gave up my Strong Black Woman card for a few hours, a few days, a few weeks, shit a few years even? Would I ever get it back or would it be permanently revoked? I understand that as Black women we are supposed to be all things to everybody cause that’s how our mamas did it, our grandmas did it, they mamas mamas did it…that’s how us Black women have survived through slavery, brutal rapes, family separation, Jim Crow, the Great Migration, segregation, discrimination, racism, strife, disease, poverty, and just regular day-to-day living. But I gotta admit something, I’m tired. I need a break.

I do have what seems to be that innate gene in Black women that makes us feel that we have to carry the world on our backs, like Atlas. But what if we shrugged? What if we took time for ourselves and did what made us happy for once? Forget what our friends, our family, our church, our co-workers say we need to do, should be doing, haven’t done, please volunteer for this, please cook something and bring it to the potluck, teach Sunday School, chair this committee, read this essay for your cousin applying to college, help mama with this, the dishes need doing,twin A gotta go here and twin B gotta go here, the baby sick, somebody can't find their wallet, and your husband or man needs loving, the kids noses need wiping…what if we just said screw it all and lived for us?

This subject has been on my mind since I saw Keyshia Cole’s reality show The Way It Is on BET. Her sister Neffe went to a medical facility to be tested for STD’s because she found out that her last partner was a drug user. What she found out instead was that she was 6 weeks pregnant. Now this is a woman who already has 3 children, who is separated from her husband and has had a lifetime of hardships and strife. When she found out she was pregnant, her face fell, her whole body language just screamed defeated and you could tell that she was not prepared to have another baby.
Now, I could have gotten on my high horse and criticized her decision making skills, but the following scene with her riding in the car from the clinic shook me to my core. She started yelling and screaming and it was clear that it was misplaced anger about finding out she was pregnant. And then it hit me. She is the face of depression. She is so many Black women who mask their depression by putting on that Angry Black Woman and/or Strong Black Woman façade…you know the two can be interchangeable right? And sometimes they happen at the same time, when we get to sucking our teeth, rolling our necks, cussing and kicking that man out, talking bout we don’t need nobody. Like so many Black women, Neffe had shoved her sadness into a deep, dark place and what we saw was merely a manifestation of that depression.

We are carrying that tired, old, heavy mantra that we “can do it all by our damn selves.” Um, we can’t. We shouldn’t have to. We have to shift some of the weight (easier said than done, I know, I know). Alright then, we’ve got to drop some of the load. Admit that some things and everything just can’t get done. Admit that you need help. Cause you know what happens when you don’t. Depression reveals itself in: anger, overeating, low self esteem, substance abuse, sex, anything to numb the pain. In an effort not to go this route I tend to lean the other way and just not speak...I figure this is my way of not going the "angry black woman" path.

When I look back at my childhood, one thing I admire about my mother was that she always took time out for herself. She always made time to get her nails done, her hair done, to hang out with her friends and be away from work, husband and kids. Sometimes she would close her bedroom door and tell me and my sisters that she needed to be alone and not to bother her unless we were bleeding. And we did as we were told and left her alone.

Sometimes when I tell this story, people (women in particular) can’t comprehend that my mother made time for herself. The fact that she took a few hours to herself seems so selfish. But I think that she understood the importance of being with herself, in stillness, peace and silence. I think this kept her sane, grounded and strong. Really strong. Now sometimes she took on more than she could handle, But she always managed to do for us and herself.

As I get older, I find myself taking on a lot of responsibilities. And sometimes it becomes overwhelming: working, side hustling, volunteering, trying to fulfill my personal dreams and have a social life. And I wonder, who can I turn to if I’m always the one who is called on? When do I get to crack? Sometimes I fear that maybe I say “yes” to too many things, so that I don’t have time to be sad or think to much. And that’s not the way to go either. Balance is necessary. Listening to my body and accepting my emotions are necessary. I am reminded of lyrics from Jill Scott’s song, I Keep : I keep smiling when I come through, and I cry when I need to…So, I am learning to find joy in all aspects of my life. I am learning to stop worrying about what I don’t have yet and just keep moving towards my goals. I’m learning to take care of myself because it’s the most that I can do. I am beginning to accept that I can’t do it all. And I’m not even going to try. So let me get that Strong Black Woman guest pass.

That’s my time y’all!

Superwoman

I am Superwoman because
in a single bound I can make a smile out of a frown
because....
bad moments roll of my chest
like hot ones off a bullet proof vest
because.....
I can work, work it out, cook a tasty meal
give the kids a bath, perm my hair
and still have give him something he can feel
because.....
I can smell bullsh** coming
like Ray Charles can hear
a hummingbird humming
because...
I can tear down a persons brick wall
without using my hands at all
because....
I can balance being a mother, a wife, and a friend
all on one hand.
because...
I know although I'm just one person
I can help God give many blessings day to day.
I am Superwoman and with me there is no Superman

I Am

Bring me to a place....
where i dont belong...
and im sure,
that ill find my way home...
Im lost in a sea,
full of many things,
most of them dreams....
or things that are unseen.....
No one feels my struggle,
no one sees my pain....
No one understands my restraint...
my withdraw from the world....
from the society that surrounds me....
No one can see the things that haunt me....
No one can understand my fear....
They dont know why i dont want to get near....
They are so quick to judge,
They are so quick to nudge,
They are so quick to assume,
But no one dares to ask why,
why, sometimes at night i cry,
and sometimes i feel like i should die,
and sometimes...i feel like i shouldnt try....
But i keep on going anyway....
For those who understand,
for those who know,
For those who seen and watch me grow.....
For those whose seen those sleepless nights,
and foodless days....
For those who's love strayed away,
For those who had their heart broken,
and couldnt bear the pain...
i carry their burden,
i carry their name,
I am the hope,
I am the dream,
I am everything in between,
I am here to rise and succeed,
I am now what the world needs...
I am love,
I am strength,
I am happiness......
Im the definition of.....