All Things "Nesha"

So as I continue to struggle for a positive outlook on life, I realize what I want, I simply don't know how to get there. It's as if I refuse to "Trust the Process". I realize that in order for me to find happiness and self-fulfillment "loved ones" may get hurt but I hate to see anyone I love hurt. I know that this stage in my life has to be about me, otherwise the years to come are going to suck! I have to be a better person for Nesha to feel as if I too am getting something out of this life.

I NEED to learn to be comfortable in my skin. I realize that in order for me to put on my face I have to feel pretty but it really doesn't mattr how you look. I need to be able to get out of bed in the morning, put my feet on the floor, breath easy and know that it's going to be OK...no matter what. That...to me is Peace of Mind. I want that, because it is that thing that helps me to sleep at night.

I HAVE to get honest with MYSELF about what works for me and what DOES NOT work for me. I'm trying to surround myself with people that truly love me, support me, care for me and inspire me to be a better person and get through this process. Even if that means only myself sometimes. I read somewhere that many people that come into your life are simply spectators. That is so true. They don't contribute anything.
Not that they necessarily want to see you fail, but they are content to not see you do ANYTHING at all.

In 2009 I need to learn the importance of being FEARLESS! I talk about being fearless but I am afraid of many things. I want to be fearless. Know that no matter what, it WILL be okay. Being fearless is being faithful.

Until next time!

Mr. Paul Does It Again

Getting my Tomboy on. Don't deny that this is BY FAR the best point guard in the league. NUFF SAID!

Friday Fill - In

And...here we go!

1. Saving someone's seat in the backed DMV was my last random act of kindness.

2. Another place I rather be right now is having a massage by Kim with Y.

3. It's all about honesty in matters of the heart.

4. Coffee, tea or room temperature water.

5. We are destined for separate paths.

6. Our children reminds me that there is hope for the future.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a long hot bath and a shot of Grey Goose, tomorrow my plans include painting the white doors in my house a fresh coat of white and Sunday, I want to see my boys and their team kick butt in their first game of the AAU season!

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The Power Of Positive Thinking

When you are not having a great day...WILL IT!!!

I am...and so here are some pics to get me through it! Love to you all. Think positive!

5 Factor Personality Test

You are Extroverted, Conscientious and Neurotic

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time". Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have low agreeableness. Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all. In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted. And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is low. You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable. You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea. While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.

The Five Factor Personality Test

unfortunately I find it hard to disagree with most of this personality test. Some things are sad but true. I wish I could change the trusting part but alas. That is me to the T. I definetly would rather be at the party than be the center of the party. I prefer to sit at a table in the corner and watch with the same drink in my hand all night. The hibernation thing is definetly me. Could there be anything better in the world than being in the house on a raining day near the fireplace watching sportscenter. I honestly wish that I could disagree with the self interest. As I get older this becomes more of a reality for me. Neuroticism is so dead on!!! Mostly I'm cool and collected but sometimes small worries keep me up at night...all night. Now imagine how I react when major drama happens. I'm a walking zombie! Boring is fine with me...it's Nesha. I have walls that are Spanish Sand, boring brown furniture, neutral clothing, and wear about 3 pieces of the same jewelry day after day. It's safe for me. However - I"m still thinking of going outside my comfort zone and splurging on some Boes headphones...lol

just me...thinking outloud

I'm tired this week. I feel like crawling under the covers and not coming out for awhile but it's time to put on the face. You know the face. The face that says all is well in my "perfect world". It's draining sometimes. I'm sure for others who have to do the same, but at this moment I feel as if it's only me... alone.

What do you do when you feel as if the weight of the entire world is on your shoulders and you can't drag yourself through not even one more day? Me, I tend to dress it up...way up. Tighten my ponytail or play with my hair in the mirror until I have big flowing body curls, or either I pluck the hell out of my eyebrows until I say "oh shit, that's gonna take two weeks to fix", sit in hotwater until I'm wrinkled or through the headphones on and close my eyes. More often I put on my prettiest makeup, my "damn I look good in these jeans" outfit, and basically keep it moving and smile at everyone I come in contact with. What else would I do? It's far better than walking around looking as if you can't "handle it" right. Someone told me I always appear to be in control. Good, then it's working! They are all fooled.

Lately, I've felt as if the fight is just not in me though. As if I've been beaten down too many times to get up and survive the next round. Mothers can't give up though. Honestly - I think the saddest thing is a mother who shows that she has given up because if nothing else, my boys truly give me a reason to wake up in the morning. Over the years I've seen friends and acquaintances let someone else take the motherhood reigns, via grandmother, father, etc. I just couldn't wake up and not see their faces each morning simply because "I'd grown too tired".

My thoughts seem to consume me now. They are simply all over the place...truly! This song fits, this movie fits, this poem fits, what did that person mean, what about this, what about that....gggrrr! Enough to drive me mad and it seems my only relief is a blog, undrafted or not.

I Don't Understand How People

I wrote this a while back, thought I'd share just a little:


I don't understand how people
mistake familiarity for love
I don't understand how people
don't have courage to believe in themselves
I don't understand how people
don't have confidence in themselves
I don't understand how people
hate the feeling of what lonely may feel like
I don't understand how people
don't "Trust the Process"
I Don't Understand How People
Can stay in a relationship and hurt
I don't understand how people
let the past eat away at them
I don't understand why people
won't just get over it already
I don't understand how people
take it so personally
I don't understand how people
put themselves last and others first
I don't understand
MYSELF

**Disclaimer** Funny thing - I get emails and have had discussions regarding my blogs. My posts are not always my daily thoughts. Often times I go back in my journal and post some old things, sometimes it's more recent. Just know that if I discuss my personal life with you, you are priviledge. My inner circle is quite small. That being said, not everything is personal "at the moment". Relax a little folks. I love a good poem. More than that, I love myself, but there are times I don't understand myself. I love "in spite of", not "because of".

Friday Fill - In

And...here we go!

1. I'm determined, I'm optimistic, I well-rested.

2. Why do I have a long back and not a "backbone".

3. How does this phone work, anyway?

4. Every morning, I put butter on my toast.

5. I consider myself lucky because I am loved.

6. One day we’ll see a different me.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a great basketball game, tomorrow my plans include the gym and Sunday, I want to got to Barnes and Noble after service!

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