Dear God,
Well, it’s my birthday again. Number 38. I owe you many thanks for keeping me alive on this earth for all these years. I've kept my head held high and taken the good with the bad. You’ve got to admit; you’ve thrown some majorly crummy stuff my way in the past few years and I know I'm suppose to be learning from it. I know, I know…you’re testing me. How about we just admit that I’ve failed so that I can go back to the less challenging Remedial Life class? That way I can keep practicing this life-thing until I get it right.
By the way, I’m extremely grateful for your hand in working things out on so many different fronts. No one rocks like you do, God, when it comes to making the impossible happen. Not even Obama. Instead of birthday presents this year, I hope you’ll agree to a few changes that I’d like to make in order to become an even better person (and a whole lot less neurotic.) Are you ready? You might want to grab a pen and paper to jot these down:
For starters, enough with the stray gray hairs. I mean really. Do you have any idea how depressing it is to pluck those bad boys out every other morning only to see that they’ve reappeared in a different place the next day?
Can I also please grow some bigger quads and delts while I'm still young enough to flaunt them and win a contest or two? No doubt that would be the true definition of Heaven.
I know I’ve been asking for quite a lot here, and I don’t want to be greedy. Is it OK if I ask for a few things for others? For example, can you please give the Banking Industry a conscience? Maybe even a time-out so they can think long and hard about their bad behavior? If you still have those Ten Commandment tablets handy, or can get them back from Moses, the banks could stand to re-learn the parts about not lying, stealing or being greedy. I think they missed them the first time around.
Lastly, can you please give the Republicans in Congress a collective lobotomy? The only thing coming out of their mouths these days is the word NO and it’s making for a difficult life here in the United States. Rather than a plague of locusts, perhaps you can smite them with decency and good sense. If that doesn’t work, please send them all back to kindergarten; they were obviously absent the day that learning how to play nicely with others was discussed.
In closing, I’d like to thank you for surrounding me with such wonderful people for showing your continued agape love and keeping my family healthy. For keeping me around for another year, I’m going to do my best to make it a good one.
Sincerely,
Nesha
12/29/11
12/23/11
The 18th Bday Letter
Dear Son, (I wrote this for both of you - I mean every word to each of you)
Today is your 18th birthday. It’s such a cliché to say that I can hardly believe it and that time has gone by so quickly, but it’s the truth. I feel tremendous ambivalence on this day, and it is not just the poignancy of a parent watching the maturation of a child and the accelerating passage of time and disbelieving that it could happen so quickly. How could you get to be so big, so independent, so capable, so complex, so funny, so far away? How could eighteen years have elapsed since that astonishing, magical moment that our eyes locked and I saw all that you had ever been and all that you were to become. You were disconcertingly serious, unconditionally present and absolutely real, and I have loved you completely ever since.
Like any first child (children), you were the culmination of such vast trepidations and expectations, the repository of such ineffable hope, the focus of so much concern and love. What I’m feeling as I anticipate your transition to adulthood (whatever that might mean!) is beyond my ability to express with words. In thinking about how well or how badly your father and I have prepared you for the world, I find that I am completely unprepared for how much more perilous and awful it feels to send you into the unknown. There are so many more things I want to teach you, to tell you, to show you.
You are still so young and you’re at a wonderful stage of life, with so many wonderful stages of life still to come, but they are not without their costs and perils. I want you to know that no matter what situation life may bring you, I will be there to see you through, if not in person, then in your heart. There are, and will be more, days that you don’t have the right answers, or any answers at all. You will find cruelty and suffering in your journey through life … but don’t let that close you to new things. Don’t retreat from life, don’t hide or wall yourself off. Be open to new things, new experiences and to new people. If you close your heart to new people, you’ll avoid pain … but you will also lose out on experiencing some incredible people, who will be there during the toughest times of your life and create some of the best times of your life.
Always take responsibility for your actions, good and bad. If you can’t change something, change the way you think about it. You will fail many times but if you allow that to stop you from trying, you will miss out on the amazing feeling of success once you reach new heights with your accomplishments. Failure is a stepping stone to success. You are growing stronger in wisdom with each passing year. Don’t ever use CAN’T as an excuse, ALWAYS TRY. Remember a mistake is not a failure unless you let it keep you down.
You will meet many people who will try to outdo you. Remember, life isn’t a competition. It’s a journey. If you spend that journey always trying to impress others, to outdo others, you’re wasting your journey. Instead, learn to enjoy the journey. Make it a journey of happiness, of constant learning, of continual improvement and above all, of love.
Remember to be kind to others even when you feel they might not deserve it. Let others see the real you from the inside. It’s ok to show your true feeling. Share your amazing spirit with others.
Most of all, love yourself. While others may criticize you, learn not to be so hard on yourself, to think that you’re anything less than the wonderful, sensitive, funny, strong, loyal, multifaceted, intuitive young man that I am so profoundly proud to call my son.
Finally, know that I love you and always will. You are starting out on a weird, scary, daunting, but ultimately incredibly wonderful journey, and I will be there for you when I can.
With all my love
mom
Today is your 18th birthday. It’s such a cliché to say that I can hardly believe it and that time has gone by so quickly, but it’s the truth. I feel tremendous ambivalence on this day, and it is not just the poignancy of a parent watching the maturation of a child and the accelerating passage of time and disbelieving that it could happen so quickly. How could you get to be so big, so independent, so capable, so complex, so funny, so far away? How could eighteen years have elapsed since that astonishing, magical moment that our eyes locked and I saw all that you had ever been and all that you were to become. You were disconcertingly serious, unconditionally present and absolutely real, and I have loved you completely ever since.
Like any first child (children), you were the culmination of such vast trepidations and expectations, the repository of such ineffable hope, the focus of so much concern and love. What I’m feeling as I anticipate your transition to adulthood (whatever that might mean!) is beyond my ability to express with words. In thinking about how well or how badly your father and I have prepared you for the world, I find that I am completely unprepared for how much more perilous and awful it feels to send you into the unknown. There are so many more things I want to teach you, to tell you, to show you.
You are still so young and you’re at a wonderful stage of life, with so many wonderful stages of life still to come, but they are not without their costs and perils. I want you to know that no matter what situation life may bring you, I will be there to see you through, if not in person, then in your heart. There are, and will be more, days that you don’t have the right answers, or any answers at all. You will find cruelty and suffering in your journey through life … but don’t let that close you to new things. Don’t retreat from life, don’t hide or wall yourself off. Be open to new things, new experiences and to new people. If you close your heart to new people, you’ll avoid pain … but you will also lose out on experiencing some incredible people, who will be there during the toughest times of your life and create some of the best times of your life.
Always take responsibility for your actions, good and bad. If you can’t change something, change the way you think about it. You will fail many times but if you allow that to stop you from trying, you will miss out on the amazing feeling of success once you reach new heights with your accomplishments. Failure is a stepping stone to success. You are growing stronger in wisdom with each passing year. Don’t ever use CAN’T as an excuse, ALWAYS TRY. Remember a mistake is not a failure unless you let it keep you down.
You will meet many people who will try to outdo you. Remember, life isn’t a competition. It’s a journey. If you spend that journey always trying to impress others, to outdo others, you’re wasting your journey. Instead, learn to enjoy the journey. Make it a journey of happiness, of constant learning, of continual improvement and above all, of love.
Remember to be kind to others even when you feel they might not deserve it. Let others see the real you from the inside. It’s ok to show your true feeling. Share your amazing spirit with others.
Most of all, love yourself. While others may criticize you, learn not to be so hard on yourself, to think that you’re anything less than the wonderful, sensitive, funny, strong, loyal, multifaceted, intuitive young man that I am so profoundly proud to call my son.
Finally, know that I love you and always will. You are starting out on a weird, scary, daunting, but ultimately incredibly wonderful journey, and I will be there for you when I can.
With all my love
mom
12/16/11
Continued Truth...the ugly
1.We are all self-centered. Even the most selfless person is actually self-centered. We cannot help it, because we’re human. The sooner you realize that it is in your nature to think of only yourself, the less surprised you are when others put themselves before you. Well..actually…the act of you being appalled that others aren’t thinking of you is pretty self-centered, don’t you think?
2.The world will never be a better place. It’s not supposed to be. As long as we are civilized (in the economical sense), then there will always be poor, dying people in this world. Guess what? Your purpose shouldn’t be to make the world a better place, anyway. Make your world a better place. Many of us don’t get that far (see number 1 for explanation). I know people who spend their lives putting humanitarian effort into other countries but fail to impact the people that exist around them everyday. You live where you live for a reason. Ignore your world, and you’re life won’t make much of a difference globally.
3.Guess what will happen when you die? Not to you, but to the rest of us…still living, I mean. We will go on living. Without you. Great things will happen once you’re gone. God still has a purpose for the rest of us, and yours will cease to exist. So, while you’re here, stop acting like your purpose is the only one that matters.
4.There is an ultimate truth. There has to be. If you believe in scientific fact, then you’ve already opened yourself up to the notion that Absolute Truth exists. But, everything else…is simply your perception. Never. Ever. Mix the two.
5.Kindness trumps self-righteous virtue, any day. The moment you start to think you know better than another human being, the moment you become an enemy of God.
6.FOX News is a cesspool for bigoted, conservative bullies. And they do not represent the Christian stance. Since when does standing up for ”Christian” morals make you a Christian? No matter how you slice it, we are not on the same side.
7.Technically, there is no such thing as love at first sight. Maybe love at first hearing…or like at first sight, but there is no way you can love (in the true sense of the word) by simply seeing another person. Any person who believes in it is slightly misguided.
8.Even in the smallest part, we all end up like our parents. Whether you believe in either side of the Nature or Nurture debate, you’ll still get the same result. Get over it…there’s still so much of you left to figure out.
9.Marijuana makes you an idiot. And if it’s legalized then that will kill the 1.7 billion dollar underground marijuana industry that’s keeping urban America afloat. So, if I were a weed man/connoisseur …I’d keep my indignant rants to myself.
10.Nothing, usually, is ever as serious as you’re making it in the moment. There are nations of people around the world, at this very moment, that are surviving hunger, poverty, attempted genocides of their nation, oppression, abuse, societal rape, natural disasters, etc. Surely, you have all that you need to get through this as well. Just take a second. Do your brain a favor, and give it some extra oxygen. Breathe.
11.God’s given us all the choice to invent & reinvent ourselves into whatever we want, but knowing your Creator intimately is like saying hello to yourself for the first time.
2.The world will never be a better place. It’s not supposed to be. As long as we are civilized (in the economical sense), then there will always be poor, dying people in this world. Guess what? Your purpose shouldn’t be to make the world a better place, anyway. Make your world a better place. Many of us don’t get that far (see number 1 for explanation). I know people who spend their lives putting humanitarian effort into other countries but fail to impact the people that exist around them everyday. You live where you live for a reason. Ignore your world, and you’re life won’t make much of a difference globally.
3.Guess what will happen when you die? Not to you, but to the rest of us…still living, I mean. We will go on living. Without you. Great things will happen once you’re gone. God still has a purpose for the rest of us, and yours will cease to exist. So, while you’re here, stop acting like your purpose is the only one that matters.
4.There is an ultimate truth. There has to be. If you believe in scientific fact, then you’ve already opened yourself up to the notion that Absolute Truth exists. But, everything else…is simply your perception. Never. Ever. Mix the two.
5.Kindness trumps self-righteous virtue, any day. The moment you start to think you know better than another human being, the moment you become an enemy of God.
6.FOX News is a cesspool for bigoted, conservative bullies. And they do not represent the Christian stance. Since when does standing up for ”Christian” morals make you a Christian? No matter how you slice it, we are not on the same side.
7.Technically, there is no such thing as love at first sight. Maybe love at first hearing…or like at first sight, but there is no way you can love (in the true sense of the word) by simply seeing another person. Any person who believes in it is slightly misguided.
8.Even in the smallest part, we all end up like our parents. Whether you believe in either side of the Nature or Nurture debate, you’ll still get the same result. Get over it…there’s still so much of you left to figure out.
9.Marijuana makes you an idiot. And if it’s legalized then that will kill the 1.7 billion dollar underground marijuana industry that’s keeping urban America afloat. So, if I were a weed man/connoisseur …I’d keep my indignant rants to myself.
10.Nothing, usually, is ever as serious as you’re making it in the moment. There are nations of people around the world, at this very moment, that are surviving hunger, poverty, attempted genocides of their nation, oppression, abuse, societal rape, natural disasters, etc. Surely, you have all that you need to get through this as well. Just take a second. Do your brain a favor, and give it some extra oxygen. Breathe.
11.God’s given us all the choice to invent & reinvent ourselves into whatever we want, but knowing your Creator intimately is like saying hello to yourself for the first time.
Timing
I am a dichotomy of sorts. At times my ideals conflict with my actions. One of those being that of timing. I have an awful sense of timing; despite having a strong reverence for the value of time itself. I realize life is too short and many people are dying lately; no words should be left unsaid. Actions are meant to be intentional, meaningful, but sure. We’re only given one life, and a numbered set of chances. Surprisingly, even to myself, I’ve had my brave moments.
I am not, by far, one of those people who go from spontaneous moment to the next. Maybe because I feel peace when something I put work and effort into, actually meets success. Some things are meant to have the accompaniment of planning. Even important, lofty things like dreams cannot become reality without your own two hands’ determined grasp. Regardless, unplanned or thought out, each transition from one season to another is birthed through a single moment. Where you make a decision to move or act. Granted, it’s only 1/18 of a second in light of a lifetime, but these moments are the vehicles of our lives.
The moment where I decided to pick up that pencil and paper and write my first poem.
…Where I filled out that college application.
…Where I committed by body to a healthy lifestyle.
…Where let my guard down to him and opened my heart.
…When I prayed that unforgotten prayer.
I’ve had my brave moments. But I wasn’t alone.
Something was always present; beckoning me on. Calling me higher.
Encouraging me not to live life afraid; hiding from the bad moments.
Which is why I don’t see life as a rollercoaster meant to only be enjoyed and endured until the ride is over. Each turn, rise, and fall is meaningful. The destination is sure to come, but that doesn’t make the journey any less beautiful.
Look up from your grind and notice the handwriting in between each minute on the clock. Pay attention to the hidden pull of Love, and its urgency to call you higher from where you’ve settled.
Timing speaks and it says that there’s more.
Blessings,
Nesha
I am not, by far, one of those people who go from spontaneous moment to the next. Maybe because I feel peace when something I put work and effort into, actually meets success. Some things are meant to have the accompaniment of planning. Even important, lofty things like dreams cannot become reality without your own two hands’ determined grasp. Regardless, unplanned or thought out, each transition from one season to another is birthed through a single moment. Where you make a decision to move or act. Granted, it’s only 1/18 of a second in light of a lifetime, but these moments are the vehicles of our lives.
The moment where I decided to pick up that pencil and paper and write my first poem.
…Where I filled out that college application.
…Where I committed by body to a healthy lifestyle.
…Where let my guard down to him and opened my heart.
…When I prayed that unforgotten prayer.
I’ve had my brave moments. But I wasn’t alone.
Something was always present; beckoning me on. Calling me higher.
Encouraging me not to live life afraid; hiding from the bad moments.
Which is why I don’t see life as a rollercoaster meant to only be enjoyed and endured until the ride is over. Each turn, rise, and fall is meaningful. The destination is sure to come, but that doesn’t make the journey any less beautiful.
Look up from your grind and notice the handwriting in between each minute on the clock. Pay attention to the hidden pull of Love, and its urgency to call you higher from where you’ve settled.
Timing speaks and it says that there’s more.
Blessings,
Nesha
12/14/11
Me?
I find it inevitable that I am constantly thinking, like a hamster on a wheel...it's frustrating often but I understand what my truths are. Just decided to list a few of late:
I'm working on myelf once again in 2012.
- I seem to be easily annoyed by those who lack motivation
- Being pushy gets you nowhere with me
- I'm constantly analyzing everything and everyone...different from judging...simply analyzing.
- I will admit it, I'm constantly stressed worrying about the unknown future
- I do not judge loud, obnoxious flashy people, I just have low tolerance for them
- Once you enter my heart you are there forever
- I am completely shy and reserved in the beginning but once I'm comfortable all bets are off
- I'm a bit cautious at first but only because I'm surveying the situation before I react to it.
- Don't doubt me...it's bad for you
- I like to do everything myself, this way, there is no worrying about something not being done properly
- I don't mix well with disorder
- You'll only know what I want you to know about me, no more, no less. Trust!
- The slightest thing turns me completely off. Unfortunately that goes from everything (people, clothes, food etc)
- Sometimes I crave solitary, I don't know why...I just do.
- I hate being controlled or smothered
- Insult me after I've been kind to you and I will kill you with silent treatment and ignore your whole existence (I know, yuck huh)
Thoughts on this quarter...
...and so another quarter down and my journey continues. This one has by far been the most difficult from me with two law classes, my final english course and a philosophy course under my belt. Funny thing is, I started to drop the philsophy course a week in. I found the text book drab and confusing, the text book boring and the questions often frustrating. I thought I'd be better taking it in the classroom. After talking to my adviser, who didn't respond to my email until another week had passed, I figured, "okay, two weeks in and 100% on both of the homework assignments, I guess I'll go for it". I fought it tooth and nail the entire way. In one forum I even stated "this philosophy crap is simply a way to try and prove God does not exist, it's foolery". The week of the whole 'Does God Exist" and write proof that he does and proof that he doesn't, truly wanted to make me throw in the towel. I didn't realize that we were on the downside of the heel and there was light at the end of the tunnel. Last week, I finally turned on my research paper ' My Philosophy On Life'. I figured the professor would think I'm a quack by most of my absurd ramblings and ideas and my thoughts on life. Thursday I woke up to an email stating that he found it "eloquent, poetic at times and a joy to read".
This class has truly opened my mind to things I thought but not shared to most except for my readers here. It made me think beyond "because I said so and that's the way it is". It helped me say "and I believe this because...". Regardless of how I did on the final I'm pleased with my work and happy that I took the class.
On other fronts, Legal turned out great and so did Torts. I'm a legal head, I realize this so I flew through the classes and was excited to take the finals. I await my grade but I've finally reached the knowledge of knowing when I did good on a test and when I bombed it. I bombed the philosophy final and kicked but in the legal classes. The English Final is tonight. Fortunately/Unfortunately it was a course that know one, including me realized that I didn't take. It may save my gpa after a possible bombed philosophy final. I learned a few new things but for the most, I wished I would have taken this english course at the beginning of my college career and will push for the boys to take it, as it may help greatly in not getting back a sea of red on their early essay...if you haven't figured it was Intensive Grammar.
I'm so happy to not have to open any book except my preferred reading on the Nook for a few weeks. I look forward to quiet holidays except for the fact that I'm 15 weeks out from the next contest and dieting has begun. My plain chicken, rice and brocolli have grown old quickly. I'm saving my first day for Christmas. I see myself getting stronger each day and I had an Epic workout today.
blessings to all see you soon.
This class has truly opened my mind to things I thought but not shared to most except for my readers here. It made me think beyond "because I said so and that's the way it is". It helped me say "and I believe this because...". Regardless of how I did on the final I'm pleased with my work and happy that I took the class.
On other fronts, Legal turned out great and so did Torts. I'm a legal head, I realize this so I flew through the classes and was excited to take the finals. I await my grade but I've finally reached the knowledge of knowing when I did good on a test and when I bombed it. I bombed the philosophy final and kicked but in the legal classes. The English Final is tonight. Fortunately/Unfortunately it was a course that know one, including me realized that I didn't take. It may save my gpa after a possible bombed philosophy final. I learned a few new things but for the most, I wished I would have taken this english course at the beginning of my college career and will push for the boys to take it, as it may help greatly in not getting back a sea of red on their early essay...if you haven't figured it was Intensive Grammar.
I'm so happy to not have to open any book except my preferred reading on the Nook for a few weeks. I look forward to quiet holidays except for the fact that I'm 15 weeks out from the next contest and dieting has begun. My plain chicken, rice and brocolli have grown old quickly. I'm saving my first day for Christmas. I see myself getting stronger each day and I had an Epic workout today.
blessings to all see you soon.
12/9/11
Jordan's Cola Commercial
Jordan makes Cayden a mini star for his digital media class. First attempt...pretty good!
12/6/11
On fumes
I could have turned it in a week ago, but then, that would be uncharacteristic of Nesha. Instead weekly this class has been a struggle for me and my work has been submitted usually at 12:30pm, a half hour before the deadline. I'm glad it's over. I will say, I know more, but about what? That is a discussion for another day.
At the same time my law classes make me smile. It's coming together. I received an A on my midterm (the only A in the class) and I will take my final next Monday. I'm worried but the material has stuck for the most part. I don't really like this class much. The majority of the students are paralegals and it frustrates me when the professor, an attorney says "when you all go out into your field as paralegals..."...ummm not. Not bias, it's just not my thing.
Nesha
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