From February - 2010
I'm not complicated, just a little cold, a little unromantic, a little unfeeling
slightly selfish and mildly narcissistic.
Only because I've been easy, warm, romantic, tender, feeling, selfless for so many years.
So maybe I have changed...so what....screw it... I'm different, annoying, petty, materialistic and hostile at times. Fight or Flight Right?
Kid knowledge has a peahead but the hamster in my brain is on constant tilt. Staring at the ceiling God and I have these talks. Sometimes I talk to him. Often times he doesn't talk back. Maybe I just can't hear him. Probably because he knows I haven't revealed all. Hmmm, more contemplation.
Demanding : Hey up there...anybody listening. God - please help me get this mess straight in 2010.
April 2010
Its starting to make sense and I'm figuring it out. I'm smiling, slightly Hoodstruck, a bit sarcastic, emotionally drained, plotting, recognizing, freewriting, disassociated with my inner circle of companions, feeling freedom coming faster, shoulders are hanging slightly lower...BUT..I'm still smiling.
4/30/10
Not My Theme Song
Not feeling it today but it's a great song
I'd love to sing it soon and just laugh
4/29/10
Food For Thought
The pessimist complains about the wind;
the optimist expects it to change;
the realist adjusts the sails.
~ William Arthur Ward
4/28/10
Try Not To React to My Over-reacting
Okay, okay back to my "me" theory. It continues to amaze me how I'm starting to know so much about my self and realize that this is just me. Love me or hate me. I've been told I'm a bit of a primadonna. At times I expect people to read my mind but I think I speak very clearly. Its a matter of if you choose to listen...or not.
Lately I've realized I won't settle on certain things be it love, security, my goals and my happiness. I want it ALL. I may have to sacrifice a little to have it and someone may have their feelings hurt along the way but my ultimately goal is to make sure that I've left nothing to chance, laid my cards on the table for anyone who is in my life, that I feel safe and my family is secure and at the end of each night I go to sleep happy at least on most nights. I realize everyday can't be perfect but I also know that I must stop settling for what is perceived happiness.
This week a had a struggle and a knowing friend came to help. They refused to take no for an answer and realized that I'm bullheaded but that I would at the drop of a dime do the same in return even if I hate to ask for help. I had lunch with another friend and she asked what do I perceive as failure and I said that having to ask for help seemed like failure to me. She enlightened me and I love it. She said asking for help is the exact opposite.
My problem is I've been asked for help many times by people who were not trying to help themselves. I don't want to be or even appear to be like them. I know there is a difference but does the world? Another one of my inner struggles....I'll know soon I guess...but I still hate asking
4/27/10
Catch Up
I've been doing a lot of freewriting, poetry, info, details about Nesha and How I Feels lately but I haven't really talked about me personally so I decide to play a little catch up today on Nesha. Just a few things about life and such.
a. I had a flat this week, it slowed me down but didn't stop me. Kinda flustered at the need for so many tires lately and I really wish I would have just left on the "come wit" tires instead of feeling the need for low profiles with 22' rims on a suburban. I've purchased enough times to invest in Firestone.
b. Twin B decided he wanted to make "himself" sexy. Funny thing about sexy vs. razors. You should ask someone who's done it before FIRST! My baby is all razorburned and walking funny. Great story for the Thanksgiving day to my grandchildren in about 15 years!
c. I've been doing lots of grown up things lately. By grown up, I mean things that I've always had someone else handle for me. It's weird to do them for myself and it makes me smile. I even went to my first movie by myself in 15 years. I think it was the best movie I've ever seen except the first movie I ever saw by myself which was Kill Bill. I sat in the last row with a bottle of water (had to pass on the popcorn) and a bag of grapes and rasberries. It was unexplainable.
d. The first of Cayden's many permanent teeth has finally popped through. I thought my baby would be toothless for ever. I was so happy I asked him if he wanted an apple.
e. Twin A is scheduled for an MRI on May 10th. I'm hoping for good news. I know God works miracles and fixes hips too.
f. I'm back to horrible insomnia. I've been tired lately through the day. It catches up to me about 2:00pm and I have to fight to stay awake sometimes in the evening.
g. Working out diligently towards my fitness goals for the summer. The nutrition plan sucks and its extemely hard with so much fast food around sometimes. I've been craving Haagen Daz chocolate ice cream lately but I'm fighting it. Summer is almost here. I took my measurements and my fat is 30%. I'm far away from where I need to be. 14% is the goal. Right now I'm not seeing it. On another note I jogged outside for the first time since Spring started this morning at 5am. 3 miles and it felt great to be outside.
h. Thank God for people who think I'm special. They make days easier. Yes YOU!
a. I had a flat this week, it slowed me down but didn't stop me. Kinda flustered at the need for so many tires lately and I really wish I would have just left on the "come wit" tires instead of feeling the need for low profiles with 22' rims on a suburban. I've purchased enough times to invest in Firestone.
b. Twin B decided he wanted to make "himself" sexy. Funny thing about sexy vs. razors. You should ask someone who's done it before FIRST! My baby is all razorburned and walking funny. Great story for the Thanksgiving day to my grandchildren in about 15 years!
c. I've been doing lots of grown up things lately. By grown up, I mean things that I've always had someone else handle for me. It's weird to do them for myself and it makes me smile. I even went to my first movie by myself in 15 years. I think it was the best movie I've ever seen except the first movie I ever saw by myself which was Kill Bill. I sat in the last row with a bottle of water (had to pass on the popcorn) and a bag of grapes and rasberries. It was unexplainable.
d. The first of Cayden's many permanent teeth has finally popped through. I thought my baby would be toothless for ever. I was so happy I asked him if he wanted an apple.
e. Twin A is scheduled for an MRI on May 10th. I'm hoping for good news. I know God works miracles and fixes hips too.
f. I'm back to horrible insomnia. I've been tired lately through the day. It catches up to me about 2:00pm and I have to fight to stay awake sometimes in the evening.
g. Working out diligently towards my fitness goals for the summer. The nutrition plan sucks and its extemely hard with so much fast food around sometimes. I've been craving Haagen Daz chocolate ice cream lately but I'm fighting it. Summer is almost here. I took my measurements and my fat is 30%. I'm far away from where I need to be. 14% is the goal. Right now I'm not seeing it. On another note I jogged outside for the first time since Spring started this morning at 5am. 3 miles and it felt great to be outside.
h. Thank God for people who think I'm special. They make days easier. Yes YOU!
4/26/10
Malcolm...
“Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery.” -- Malcolm X
I found this quote while reading an article about Thomas Hagan, formerly known as Talmadge X. He’s the man who looked Malcolm X in his eyes and proceeded to take his life and a big part of the Civil Rights Movement in the process.
On April 28 2010, after 16 unsuccessful parole attempts, Thomas Hagan will also be a free man.
4/25/10
Rotten Apples
"This apple is rotten, just like you are" - D.L. Hugley's mother
please watch this video before reading - I was touched.
We need to be careful what we say to our children. Just recently while shopping in the store I overheard a black mother tell her active child, “Sit your crazy black ass down, Nigga. You are so damn bad. Get on my nerves. Dang!”
Before anyone says, ‘She may have had a bad day.’ I must respond with, before thinking to be nice or politically correct, “I don’t give a damn about her day. That is her child!”
DL Hughley’s mother, in this case, may not have ‘meant’ what she said – but the affects of her statement to him evidently affected him to this day. He did mention it later to his teacher which proves that our minds latch onto hurtful words. Does not matter the intent.
Racism has continued to damage the psyche of the American people. Both, black and white Americans. After watching DL cry I shifted my thought process in an effort to not change my opinions and beliefs – but to address my people’s role in damaging the self concepts of so many black boys and girls.
When I watch that white man sitting beside DL Hughely I think: ‘He did not allow his country’s racist present and past to hinder him from mentoring a black gang banger. There are many like him.
When I think about the destruction that we (black people) inflict on each other I think: ‘We continue to be our BIGGEST obstacle…too. It's so hard to get passed our own sometimes.
We need to remember that we are the first role models our children see. Not Kobe, Not Tiger, Lil Wayne or even Barack. Nothing is more important than how we treat them daily in the home.
Blessings -
Powerful Beyond Measure
please watch this video before reading - I was touched.
We need to be careful what we say to our children. Just recently while shopping in the store I overheard a black mother tell her active child, “Sit your crazy black ass down, Nigga. You are so damn bad. Get on my nerves. Dang!”
Before anyone says, ‘She may have had a bad day.’ I must respond with, before thinking to be nice or politically correct, “I don’t give a damn about her day. That is her child!”
DL Hughley’s mother, in this case, may not have ‘meant’ what she said – but the affects of her statement to him evidently affected him to this day. He did mention it later to his teacher which proves that our minds latch onto hurtful words. Does not matter the intent.
Racism has continued to damage the psyche of the American people. Both, black and white Americans. After watching DL cry I shifted my thought process in an effort to not change my opinions and beliefs – but to address my people’s role in damaging the self concepts of so many black boys and girls.
When I watch that white man sitting beside DL Hughely I think: ‘He did not allow his country’s racist present and past to hinder him from mentoring a black gang banger. There are many like him.
When I think about the destruction that we (black people) inflict on each other I think: ‘We continue to be our BIGGEST obstacle…too. It's so hard to get passed our own sometimes.
We need to remember that we are the first role models our children see. Not Kobe, Not Tiger, Lil Wayne or even Barack. Nothing is more important than how we treat them daily in the home.
Blessings -
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