RIP - Dolla

Another life taken to early. Live fast die fast I guess. I wasn't a particular fan of his music but anytime I see a youth die so young I'm moved to tears. This one bothered me all night long for some reason. His eyes seem to tell a story of a kid who thought he had finally "made it"....hhmmmm

Self Actualization - Continued

Do you think there is ever a time when your children will realize the many sacrifices you are willing to make for their success and happiness? I am a mother who will go to the ends of the earth to insure that my children have a life I believe they deserve. Would it change they way they feel or treat me if they knew? Probably not but it doesn't matter. It is my job to give them a good childhood and make sure they have tools to be successful adults. My children are my joy, my "extra-curricular", my inspiration and my life. I cannot begin to imagine what my life would be like if I was never a mother. I realize for most of my life it has been the only thing that even defines me. I've also realized that I will sacrafice ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING for them.Anything,anyone,everything. Is this to my own detriment? Maybe. Do I care? I give not a damn. Will I walk through fire and brimestone for them???? Without a doubt. My answer is an emphatic......YES.

KOBE TIME!

Why

Why do people ask you "do I have anything in my nose" and look up at you? uummm yuck!

Why do people say "call me if you need anything" and then when you call they are too busy?

Why do people say "why didn't you call me?" knowing they didn't really want you to call them and if you had they would have said "I can't right now, sorry"

Why do people say, no thank you to gum when it's offered? If I'm offering, you probably need it.

Why do people send text forwards and email forwards of sexually explicit pictures to people they've never had sex with?

Why do people send text forwards and email forwards of encouraging emails to people they haven't talk to in years and never say anything personal with the attachment?

Why do people who complain about how broke they are and can't pay for anything always seem to have the most expensive car, cellphone or clothes...better yet why they always gone somewhere like out of town, out to dinner or on vacation.

Why do folks walk around with scowls and frowns on their face but always got the nerve to say "I don't like going there, those people arent very friendly"...or "I don't like that person, they always look so men"

Why do folks be saying "I need to go on a diet" but steadily eating a extra large bowl of ice cream.

Why do parents with filthy rooms always have the nerve to tell their kids to get their rooms clean?

Why are all the bad kids at daycare and school named Isiaha, Elijah,Mary, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John....they ought to be named Judas,Goliath,Nebuchadnezzar,Pharoah, Jezebel.

Why do I throw up in my mouth a little bit everytime I see Amy Winehouse or Lil' Wayne without his shirt on (yes he does look like a tree frog people, sorry)

Why do I walk in Walmart to get one thing and walk out with a host of other things.

Why was I so annoyed when I started writing this post but now I feel sooo much better.

I guess it's true..."Don't Sweat the Small Stuff"

Mi nombre es Nesha

So I'm told I need to probably continue to see a counselor and in order to continue to "feel better". Funny thing is that last time I went it went something like this. I go in and sit down with him and begin to talk and next thing you know we spent at least half the session with the counselor spilling his guts to me! At least he was slightly confused by it. It's happened since I was a kid though, people telling me their deepest darkest secrets, crying on my shoulder. It doesn't matter where we are they just can't help themselves. Drunks at parties cornering me to tell me about their marital woes, complete strangers on buses or in stores telling me far more than I need to hear, the teacher in the parent teacher conference. I wonder if there's a sign on my forehead that I can't see, but everyone else can. A part of me wanted to throw a tantrum & stomp my foot & yell "It's not fair, it's MY TURN! I'm paying you to listen to me & help me understand myself". Instead I tried to put my meagre newly learned counseling skills into practice & resigned myself to this taking longer than I'd hoped. Hey, he & I will both come out of this happier & healthier.I went home and told everyone it turned out beautifully and I felt good. Funny thing is after spilling his guts he told me I would feel much better if I started Wellbutrin.

Sometimes I regret my posts and leave them into draft mode so that I don't have to deal with it at the time or because I feel that someone may take it wrong, but I'm sick of presenting the everything ok mask & being the one everyone turns to for help & advice without them being aware that I too have my own major issues & some of them really are overdue for fixing. Part of my upbringing taught me to present the facade to the world "no problems here, just perfection". Meanwhile our family was sometimes imploding in the privacy of our home. I learned at a young age not to write anything about your personal thoughts & feelings & ACTIONS down as there was no such thing as privacy & they will be dragged out & ridiculed, so this is a bit of a who gives a damn anyway gesture on my part.

So here's a little glimpse of me.

Sad thoughts a filigree of shadows on my mind

Haunting lines, fine tracery never seeming to end

Will I ever find a different brush to help me paint another picture

Laughter in bright colours over pale mauve of tears

I let the sky into my heart, but there it changes form

Blue seas of melancholy swell

Grey waves swallow up my smiles

Let me find another palette and mix the colours of my life

Perhaps I'll find a brighter hue to start again

For I dream of radiant colours where the greenest grass grows

That's where we'll meet again soon

You'll gaze into my eyes and smile

...a perfect smile

You The Best - Drake and Swizz

My new "stand in front of the mirror and shake that azz while no one is around song"...better yet, my "get me through those last 10 squats while this plays in my ipod" song.

I am the best huh! LOL

Back Again

So I returned home to my beautiful Cali where the weather is HOT! I really enjoyed Texas but both weekends were rainy...in fact the first Saturday I found myself in the middle of a thunderstorm in which the Dalls Cowboys practice facility even collapsed.

So I return...and feel so appreciated and loved by all. My boys were all waiting for me and Cayden at the airport with flowers, balloons and gifts! Yes, gifts! They replaced my black pumas that I been wearing the hell out of with some fresh new ones. I adore these pumas man! They go with everything. They awesome got me a beautiful top that you'll probably see in a second.

Love it!

My car is in the shop getting new brakes, my house is clean, I had Red Lobster for my belated Mother's Day and beautiful cards too. Wow! I guess absense does make the heart grow fonder.

So my kids were a little annoyed by the fact that I came back with a new favorite song. Lil' Wayne "We Like Her"...interesting and catchy little tune that I won't post at this time until I can find the edited version (smile). I caught myself humming it all weekend.

I also caught up with my baby girl/bff Stacy and enjoyed some time with her. I love her!

My mommy and daddy haven't change. They still are relaxed, give my soul what it needs, fill my belly and let me rest my head. My sister even managed to fly in for a few days so that we could all spend Mother's Day with my mom. Sweeeet!


Now back to our scheduled programming!

Effin It Up for Your Kid---

USC and UCLA scared off by AAU and alleged horrible stepfather. Last week, Renardo Sidney, a 6'10 power forward ranked No. 16 overall in the 2009 Rivals 150, decided to take his game to Mississippi State. It was a minor recruiting coup for the Bulldogs, and slightly out of nowhere: Since when do big power forwards with versatile perimeter games choose Starkville -- and no offense, MSU, but we all know it's true -- over places like USC and UCLA? What made the Bulldogs so appealing?

Well basically, that would be...no choices!

Sidney had already chosen USC. His family threw a lavish party for his signing announcement, and in dramatic fashion, Sidney pulled a USC cap from a box, as the party clapped in celebration. USC rescinded its scholarship offer, and now Sidney is headed back to Mississippi. Huh?

Basically, AD's from both schools have been quoted as saying the risk was just too great.

Though they are from rival schools who often wage intense battles for the same athletes, the sources agreed on this about Sidney: The reward of suiting up such a prodigious talent was not worth the larger risk. Bruins and Trojans sources both say they were wary of potentially intense NCAA scrutiny prompted by these issues: Despite what was perceived as a limited income, the family moved multiple times and resided in upscale homes during Sidney's high school years; and stepfather Renardo Sr. directed a club basketball team with financial backing that was unclear beyond a relatively modest shoe company sponsorship. Plus there was this: A source intimately familiar with Sidney's recruitment said a university official thought the stepfather had strongly hinted that he expected to be compensated if his son signed with the school.

In other words, even USC, a school that took in O.J. Mayo sight unseen and whose football program has been under investigation for what seems like the last five years thought Renardo Sidney's father was too much of a loose cannon to deal with. Same goes for UCLA before them. All jokes about recruiting stuff aside, how often do coaches just walk away from talented recruits like this? How seemingly dirty do you have to be for two major programs to just ... walk away?