My life is like a steady stream of chaos right now. My plate is full. Pilled to capacity with rich fattening foods, over-salted vegetables, and well marinated meats. Socially, I have a waiting list of people that I need to hang out with. And I'm thinking about all of them in some way or other.
"Nesha! You're ignoring me! We have to catch up!"
"Hey! When are we going to hang out? Let's go have a drink."
"I want to see you! Can we have lunch tomorrow?"
-slopping on mashed potatoes-
I've been in a game of phone tag with a friend for about 2 weeks and I can't seem to have the time to talk to her.
"Stop ignoring my phone calls!" (via text message)
-piling on mustard greens-
I haven't had a good conversation with my mom in a week. I have 3 classes that all have papers/projects due in the next seven days. I've cooked a real meal in my kitchen twice this week. I'm juggling two projects that need way more attention and the laundry is piling up. I'm worried about the amount of money being spent lately of things that are absolute necessities and gosh darnit I'm back to biting my cuticles. Today, its actually theraputic for me to write and also begin making my menu for Thanksgiving. Grrrrrr, homework to do and this day is almost gone.
-adds a slab of chicken-fried steak-
I'd love one quiet day in bed when my thoughts don't say...this HAS to be done today. I want to sleep. I want to bake cookies and watch a great movie. I want to snuggle and not move an inch.
-add some of that good ole sweet potatoe pie -
No matter what I do, or how hard I try, someone goes without something they need from me. I'm worried about flunking an assignment. Or being a bad friend. Or being undependable. Letting down my family. Forgetting something that my husband may need me to do.
God knows I can't do it alone, so I'm trying to trust him. Meanwhile, keep up with the momentum.
I put this in draft mode...released it today after I added that I received a BEAUTIFUL pair of diamond earrings from boo as an appreciation gift. Thank you God for answering my question regarding if anyone was paying attention.
Showing posts with label iWrite. Show all posts
Showing posts with label iWrite. Show all posts
11/16/10
5/12/10
iWrite...2010
1. I've been working on this script for a minute yet I'm plaqued with these short stores...see "Nonchalant". It's buggin me just a bit.I can't get the creativity flowing. It even spills over into my conversations in life. I can't get the words out.
2. Life and my current situation is like a freaking movie. I just have so many twists and turns right now that it seems most of my energy is just zapped. Sometimes at 5:00am when that alarm goes off and says get to the gym, I just can't cause I've been laying awake for hours. I'm ready for Part II to start already.
3. I'm completly frustrated with my heart and my emotions right now. She is letting me down.
Still, I find some type of peace in coming here and letting go of what I can. At this point I could give a damn if anyone reads or not. I don't need that. Can you tell by how I don't even seem to fix the grammar and spelling errors right now.
I feel so completely out of control of me right now
.
5/5/10
iWrite
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”-- Author Unknown
When I first saw that quote, yesterday, I was instantly drawn to it. I can't think of anyone it fits more right now than myself. Gotta keep it together Nesh
4/15/10
iWrite
I picked the perfect music for me because I still "beat out" while I'm writing to the music on my page. I haven't changed it in a while. It moves me. You won't get it by listening to the words. They fit me...for now.
I've decided to name this entry Dear Diary: Sometimes I Feel Like a Meaningless Scribe Part II. I love that title! I love it the first time. Love it even more now. It's fitting for the moment. I currently am "A Meaningless Scribe".
Focus! Focus! Focus, damn it!
Another long day. Back in the swing of things. The usual bull: a bunch of nothing, turning into a full day with so many unexplainable things in between. Sometimes I feel as if the days simply run into each other. They do. It's just been one long year of meaningless crap for me. I decided to finish up some papers I've been lagging on for a while, when interrupted I was once again shut down with some bull, and folks wonder why I hoard thoughts in my head instead of sharing.
Yes. I have lingering questions inside my soul about whether I was built for this life and what card I'm being dealt now. It still continues to keep me up at night. Had a knot in my throat last week with a urge to say screw it. and so I write, simply to clear my head and keep the demons away. It’s one of the few things on this planet that I KNOW for sure and that is that my words make perfect sense to me alone. Often I question how far to go though, pacing myself as not to hurt the wrong person's feelings as I know that often my blog is an open book for my thoughts and emotions to be shared. Fortunately people don't realize how long I've left my writings undrafted in an attempt to add some slight mystery to my "little" life. Should I save it inside my brain forever? But my lingering question so often becomes: have I chosen the right words without revealing too much of my soul?
I am a private person, by nature. You think not huh? That's how private I am. (I love that line) It makes me believe I'm slightly mysterious. I tried talking it outloud be it never seems to work because I usually regret and wish I hadn't told you that and how long you'll keep it to yourself. My emotions and feelings come sweeping in like tides, swelling and rolling in massive waves inside me sometimes, and I tend to express them in a universal way. That’s my style, my thing, I guess.
A friend once told me to screw the blog cause I “don’t write with honesty." She can tell when I'm going through but refuse to convey, and so I come across as jumbled.
To that, I said: "DAMN LIE!". I write what I want you to know and the rest I write, get it out sometimes sharing and sometimes simply burning in the sink. If I come off as jumbled to you, then you are not suppose to understand. To those I speak to it's perfectly clear, more often than not, those is usually me.
Maybe I don’t give a detailed accounting of all my emotional bowel movements, but everything I write is about WHO I am, or what I feel, or what I question. That's REAL! Everything I write is about what makes my heart beat faster, or gives me a chill, or breaks my face, hurts my spirit, or fundamentally fulfills me. And truthfully, I don’t know any other way to be. I may not put it on a blog for the world to see...but I do write it at some point.
Still, Sometimes I Feel Like a Meaningless Scribe, because the world will never know. I refuse to go any deeper.
Honesty from me makes some people uneasy. It makes me uneasy - at this present time in my life. I catch myself looking in the mirror and saying "When Nesha". I'm ready - but self says "not yet". Can't go deeper.
Sometimes I feel Like a Meaningless Scribe.
I’ve prayed. I’ve purged. I’ve vented. It’s out of me!
Diary, you KNOW, I’ll never be FELT in a blog that takes 30 seconds to read. My creator made me this way: all strange and odd and slightly talented and a little cute and a little ugly and kinda deep, emotional and sad and real, confused ... and human.
Diary, it saddens me that I cannot express with words what I feel often feel and share for the masses.
What is it about these words I write?
Diary - Oh how you understand what I cannot convey.
Feel me? Of course, YOU do. That’s never been the prob.
Oh, Diary. Sometimes I feel like a Meaningless Scribe.
Disclaimer - don't be all sensitive - It's not about you - it's my blog - iWRITE what I want
That’s sad to me. I still feel the need to explain that it's about me and not about you.
I've decided to name this entry Dear Diary: Sometimes I Feel Like a Meaningless Scribe Part II. I love that title! I love it the first time. Love it even more now. It's fitting for the moment. I currently am "A Meaningless Scribe".
Focus! Focus! Focus, damn it!
Another long day. Back in the swing of things. The usual bull: a bunch of nothing, turning into a full day with so many unexplainable things in between. Sometimes I feel as if the days simply run into each other. They do. It's just been one long year of meaningless crap for me. I decided to finish up some papers I've been lagging on for a while, when interrupted I was once again shut down with some bull, and folks wonder why I hoard thoughts in my head instead of sharing.
Yes. I have lingering questions inside my soul about whether I was built for this life and what card I'm being dealt now. It still continues to keep me up at night. Had a knot in my throat last week with a urge to say screw it. and so I write, simply to clear my head and keep the demons away. It’s one of the few things on this planet that I KNOW for sure and that is that my words make perfect sense to me alone. Often I question how far to go though, pacing myself as not to hurt the wrong person's feelings as I know that often my blog is an open book for my thoughts and emotions to be shared. Fortunately people don't realize how long I've left my writings undrafted in an attempt to add some slight mystery to my "little" life. Should I save it inside my brain forever? But my lingering question so often becomes: have I chosen the right words without revealing too much of my soul?
I am a private person, by nature. You think not huh? That's how private I am. (I love that line) It makes me believe I'm slightly mysterious. I tried talking it outloud be it never seems to work because I usually regret and wish I hadn't told you that and how long you'll keep it to yourself. My emotions and feelings come sweeping in like tides, swelling and rolling in massive waves inside me sometimes, and I tend to express them in a universal way. That’s my style, my thing, I guess.
A friend once told me to screw the blog cause I “don’t write with honesty." She can tell when I'm going through but refuse to convey, and so I come across as jumbled.
To that, I said: "DAMN LIE!". I write what I want you to know and the rest I write, get it out sometimes sharing and sometimes simply burning in the sink. If I come off as jumbled to you, then you are not suppose to understand. To those I speak to it's perfectly clear, more often than not, those is usually me.
Maybe I don’t give a detailed accounting of all my emotional bowel movements, but everything I write is about WHO I am, or what I feel, or what I question. That's REAL! Everything I write is about what makes my heart beat faster, or gives me a chill, or breaks my face, hurts my spirit, or fundamentally fulfills me. And truthfully, I don’t know any other way to be. I may not put it on a blog for the world to see...but I do write it at some point.
Still, Sometimes I Feel Like a Meaningless Scribe, because the world will never know. I refuse to go any deeper.
Honesty from me makes some people uneasy. It makes me uneasy - at this present time in my life. I catch myself looking in the mirror and saying "When Nesha". I'm ready - but self says "not yet". Can't go deeper.
Sometimes I feel Like a Meaningless Scribe.
I’ve prayed. I’ve purged. I’ve vented. It’s out of me!
Diary, you KNOW, I’ll never be FELT in a blog that takes 30 seconds to read. My creator made me this way: all strange and odd and slightly talented and a little cute and a little ugly and kinda deep, emotional and sad and real, confused ... and human.
Diary, it saddens me that I cannot express with words what I feel often feel and share for the masses.
What is it about these words I write?
Diary - Oh how you understand what I cannot convey.
Feel me? Of course, YOU do. That’s never been the prob.
Oh, Diary. Sometimes I feel like a Meaningless Scribe.
Disclaimer - don't be all sensitive - It's not about you - it's my blog - iWRITE what I want
That’s sad to me. I still feel the need to explain that it's about me and not about you.
2/24/10
iWrite...Continued
Likes & Dislikes
Likes
Waffles (Not Belgium) and Fresh Orange Juice
Naps to Itunes
Candid pictures that capture emotion and come out just right
Strawberry Mango Margaritas (it's my new favorite)
cute Facebook updates
Smirking over laughing (I don't know why, I just do)
Cult films that represent Black culture (e.g. Coming to America, Mo' Better Blues, School Daze, Which Way is Up)
Learning something new about him
Someone who listens
Feeling peace
A good quote
Dislikes
Feeling rushed
People who constantly take but never try to give
Having someone ask you how is your kid only doing just so they can tell you about theirs.
Paperwork
Crying from frustration
Underhanded comments
Fake Sweetness
That one person that usually messes up the chill vibe in a room
Too much talking and not enjoying the silence of the moment
low-blows
Wants
a laptop (just for me)
more money
more time
to know who to trust
peace and happiness
Needs
acceptance
more discipline with the money I have
intentionally make mental pictures of quiet moments
treat everyone with respect and dignity, whether they deserve it or not
more moments to rest my mind
my degree
finality
Likes
Waffles (Not Belgium) and Fresh Orange Juice
Naps to Itunes
Candid pictures that capture emotion and come out just right
Strawberry Mango Margaritas (it's my new favorite)
cute Facebook updates
Smirking over laughing (I don't know why, I just do)
Cult films that represent Black culture (e.g. Coming to America, Mo' Better Blues, School Daze, Which Way is Up)
Learning something new about him
Someone who listens
Feeling peace
A good quote
Dislikes
Feeling rushed
People who constantly take but never try to give
Having someone ask you how is your kid only doing just so they can tell you about theirs.
Paperwork
Crying from frustration
Underhanded comments
Fake Sweetness
That one person that usually messes up the chill vibe in a room
Too much talking and not enjoying the silence of the moment
low-blows
Wants
a laptop (just for me)
more money
more time
to know who to trust
peace and happiness
Needs
acceptance
more discipline with the money I have
intentionally make mental pictures of quiet moments
treat everyone with respect and dignity, whether they deserve it or not
more moments to rest my mind
my degree
finality
1/30/10
...iWrite...continues
Been thinking, having a moment for the last oh few weeks. Lots on my mind, it's a cross between the boys, their choices, my life and my choices, work, school, the future the past and so on.Sometimes I feel...
nevermind...GOTTA GET IT!
Pardon my rant...just mindless garble.
nevermind...GOTTA GET IT!
Pardon my rant...just mindless garble.
2/23/09
...iWrite...in the beginning
I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.
Margaret Mitchell
So Thursday night I was asked to truly get REAL with myself. Sometimes during a discussion when you are forced to reveal something you've been trying to keep to yourself you just get tired of fighting. I don't mean in terms of fists, shouting, knock down drag out. I mean in terms of fighting with yourself and to try and live up to something you know is impossible. I say you...meaning me. I'm dealing with it now. I have miles to go before I sleep. It's a day to day thing. To my fellow bloggers...how many blogs to you have in draft mode? Blogs that you know you would never post unless no one TRULY knew who you were? hhhhhmmmm
My mood is optimistic, my story is to be continued...
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