Me - 2010

Periodically I look at a picture of myself (like the one below, for example) and I ask the question: Who is this girl....really?




Question of the decade. Haha.

There were times where it drew blank stares. Grimaces. And sarcastic laughs.

If I were to ask those closest to me...they would give only a resume of my talents.

Husband: My strengths, loves and my favorite things

Others: a long list of likes, dislikes, and moods.

I dare no one would come closer to the truth than my mother...

...but even SHE would miss the essence by a mile.

No one spends more time with me...than me...so how is it that I've spent most of my lifetime stumped by this question?

"I am invisible, understand, simply because others choose not to see me "~Ralph Waldo Emerson

1. I sing at the top of my lungs; getting lost in the melody and emotion. Carefree and joyous. A true lover of music. (I do get a little quieter if I think people can hear me)

2. I write from the depths of my soul. In whatever form it happens to flow into. Not for acclaim. And never for approval. Content takes precedence over grammar. (I lied, I like approval, especially from loved ones. It's important for me to know they know that I have some talent besides nursing babies)

3. I am two opposites joined. Yin and Yang within myself. A more envious form of Bipolar. A healthier version of a Manic-Depressive. I am noisy and I am silence. I am serious and I am humorous. I am introverted and I am bold. I am cautious and I am fearless. Tender and Intense. I am high-top converse's and I am high heels. I am pink ribbons and black nail polish.

4. I believe in Truth. And Beauty. And Love. And I will guard them ferociously.

5. I am the Apple of My Father God's eye. He gave His life for me, and I owe Him my everything. His sacrifice tells me that I am special to Him.

6.. I am still learning. The color on my wings growing more vivacious, the smile on my face increasing in each day. Look into my eyes and you will see it too.

Now...look at that picture again...

Confessions

How I Feel

On my heart today...

Faith Or Fear

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind”

2 Timothy 1:7

Sometimes when I'm worried about something, I'm  reminded of this verse. As I was praying the other morning I had some fears concerning battles in my life that I struggle with sometimes but I had to remember that fear and faith can not occupy the same space. I have to chose one. As the Bible verse above states, fear does not come from God, and if it doesn't come from God, then you know where it came from. The enemy. God gave us the spirit of power and of love and of a sound mind.

You can't have a sound mind if you're scared and worried about something.

Do I want to be fearful, or do I want to be faithful? I choose to believe that God is currently working on my battles on my behalf even as I write this blog entry. I choose to be faithful. I want to have "crazy faith", as Marvin Sapp talks about in the Praise him in Advance- Intro. I'm writing this as a note to my self, because sometimes reality is so up in my face that my faith is pushed way to the back, and I need to get it up front, and keep it there.

On a mission,
Blessings

All Love...

Cayden's Bday Cake

C and Dad

C saying goodbye to mom

Cayden's Preschool Grad Ceremony

Fam

Made it through the week..not a lot to say except for we feel incredibly loved by the small circle of friends that we have...even more loved by friends and acquaintances that said "whatever you need" and meant it. We have adoring friends we've met through our children, work, family and just life. Thank God for them, they helped us make it through. I love them all because the week would not have been possible without them. We managed to get kids to and from a week long football camp, summer school each day, Cayden's birthday, Cayden's graduation, basketball summer league games, a couple airport trips, funeral arrangements, make a slide show, make a funeral program and have minor breakdowns and cry sessions and walks along memory lane about mom along the way. Our friends traveled miles by plane, train, bus, car and so forth on a holiday week even though some knew they would have a 3 hour wait in traffic to get home, they gave beautiful reflections, they sent gorgeous flowers, money and food...most of all support. Cayden had a cake baked for him and a bike bought for him. His cap and gown for graduation from preschool was delivered to the school for us (thank goodness because we arrived just in time to get him in it and in line), and those who couldn't participate called constantly to check on us. I feel loved and blessed to have so many people who helped out this week.  Decided to post just a few pictures and a link to the slideshow. (they've removed the music until it's approved through youtube.com)

Blessings to all,

How I Feel

Philippians 4:13

I can do everything through him who gives me strength

Doin Me...Includes Doin Him

So, when I blogged this last year I had no idea how much my life would be forever changed in the next few months. I re-read it. Still sounds like me somewhat but now I've truly made those changes and day to day I'm actually becoming quite proud of myself and my relationship with my Lord and Savior. I've asked him for some things to change in my life, some of my thinking, judgments etc.  I see myself coming full circle. I feel the happiness that I've been lacking and as I said...it was here all along.

It isn't a new prayer but it's a more meaningful prayer and something that I've thought I could deal with on my own and that's just so. There isn't ANYTHING that can't be dealt with alone, without him. Thank God for understanding.  I was riding late last night in the car with my husband and I told him, "it's such a trip that I can't think of anyone in this world at the moment that I don't like, have animosity towards, would want to see anything bad happen to, I've never felt like I had total peace in my life".

Maybe to you that's not such a big deal but you have to know me. Until just a few months ago, I wouldn't even consider going to dinner with certain people from my childhood because I still remember a joke they said about me in 8th grade. An acquaintance that I had a falling out with a few years ago was still on my most hated list until 2 months ago. I smiled when I saw her because she had apologized but secretly in my head I thought "If you were laying on the street bleeding I wouldn't help you".

I asked God to remove anything from my life that was not like him. This was a hard request, simply because, that means so many things. I knew asking him to do this could even possible mean I could be alienating myself from alot of things I love. I was actually terrified to say it but I said it and meant it.  He's working on me. I feel it. It's a beautiful thing. One of the first scriptures he showed me again leaped off the page at me during bible study. I had seen it for years but it became abunduntly clear if I was to live my life for him.  1 John 4:20 "If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?"



Blessings,
PBM

RIP Cora Jurand

Yesterday, we lost a beautiful woman. To me, her name was mom. She was my mother in law. It was sudden, quick and completely unexpected. I texted her last week and told her I finished my first quarter back to school with a 4.0.

She texted back and said, "I'm proud of you, I love you, lets do lunch next week". She is only one of a very few family members very close to me to die and I'm reminded of how much I continue to say I'm going to tell those I love how the way I feel much more, but continue not to do it.  I'm not sure what God is doing here. I know that's it's not always good but it's always God.

Mom, was such a good mother in law. She never ever took sides. She listened, gave good advice and told me what she would tell her own daughter but would still rally the troops around her son if need be the way I'd do my own son or my mother would do me if her baby was hurt. She never missed sending me a birthday card on any occassion, and I always got an extra special gift from her on my birthday.

If if she couldn't make birthdays she always sent a gift, and you could count on her to come through the door with a huge smile and lighten up the room. One conversation I shared with her about her baby boy being so friendly to EVERYBODY she said, "well, he can't help that, he came by it honestly". I knew exactly what she meant because she would find the person I couldn't stand the most in a room at one of our events and talk their face off and be sure to tell them what a wonderful daughter in law she had.  Mom, you know our last conversation and what it meant to me. Thank you for living me with that. I love you.