Powerful Beyond Measure

Son in My Head

2012-01-27T15:54:00.000-08:00

Status Update...Road to NPC

2012-01-15T19:50:00.000-08:00

The life of a figure competitor...my journey continues. So I just decided to put up a few of the recent happenings on my quest to make top 5. To those who are in the circuit Top 5 is what a competitor aspires for and after that the obsession takes over. Me, Nesha is a bit backward though so although I haven't had a top 5 call out, I have completely skipped that in my mind and have gone to the center spot. I want the Top prize. The sword, the overall. I've become slightly insane in my journey too.

I'm the passenger in the car, looking out the window. No one need to ask me what I'm thinking about. They already know. My eyes wake up in the morning and I say "thank you Lord" in my mind and the next thought is "gotta go hard today". By nature I'm a little girl. Little, literally. I'm small boned, small muscled. The only thing big about me is my hands and my feet. This is probably the toughest obession I could have picked up for several reasons. It's a dog fight EVERY single day to build this muscle, its expensive, it's time consuming. I don't care about any of that. I want the sword.

My mom flew back to Texas last week and before she departed she said that she thought broccolli was one of her favorite foods before visiting my house. She has grown to detest the smell of broccolli and grilled chicken. I'm sure the men in my house agree. Hey, if I gotta clean up turf beads and sweaty socks all day, they have to smell my clean food. I'm ten weeks out from the Governor's Cup in Sacramento. I see my body changing but not enough for me. I'm hoping I'll be more pleased in another two weeks or so. Time is growing short and I'm beginning to feel anxious. I know I need to unwind. All those who matter say I'm night and day from my last competition, however if it's not going to get me Top 5, it's worthless in my opinion. Gotta go, time to eat.

Likes/Dislikes

2012-01-15T19:40:00.000-08:00

LIKES

Idris (with his fine self) won a Golden Globe
Revelations 22:3

RealPlayer downloads YouTube videos

I see progress, slowly (10 weeks to go)

My NO Saints, I still love them, win or lose

The new Kobe Commercial (gotta be a Kobe fan)
living one day at a time

DISLIKES

when my toes are ice cold

the beginning of a new semester in school

justice is blind, literally

President Obama signed NDAA

they don't make songs like this anymore

taking that first step out of bed on winter mornings

Real Housewives

slow progress (10 weeks to go)

the way Patron leaves me feeling

the boys are into Polo now...expensive as hell

Tomorrow isn't promised

So I'm a Flake

2012-01-11T17:27:00.001-08:00

All I have in this world is my balls and my word! Ok scratch the “balls” I don’t have those! But who would want em anyway. They’re wrinkled, sweaty, and don’t serve much purpose ESPECIALLY if they hang lower than Mr. Winky. Wait, what was I taking about again? My word! Oh yes, my word! I was examining the history of my word when I realized: I AM A TOTAL FLAKE and SUPREME PROCRASTINATOR!!! I’m sure the people close to me already figured this out, but after 30+ years being me it just hit me today. And I’m talking like a swift Ike Turner punch to the face. I do believe there is nothing worse than a coked out punch from Ike!

Now before you turn your nose up (like your butt is perfect) let me explain. I often make plans and I really do intend on attending but I get tired easily, especially after a long day of errands, work, kid activities and training. So I don’t show up, but I do call and let them know I’m not coming. Sometimes I get a non-response other times I get a non-invite for 6 months. As far as the procrastination goes, I want to do a lot but I don’t have the time. Granted my attention span is shorter than Emmanuel Lewis in ballet flats, I"m working on it.
Is there some kind of rehab that I can check myself into! I can’t die from flakiness and bull-crapinness (let’s pretend this is a word). I’m real sad about today’s self discovery. BUT HEARETH ME YE: on this day I declareth to NOT flaketh thou friends and Procrastinateth against thou self!!! Wish me luck, Lord knows I have a feeling I am going to flake out on this…….

Rambling Thoughts

2012-01-11T17:16:00.001-08:00

Inception is a remarkable documentary with a very unique storyline. I recommend to all who have yet to see. Just when you think that you have witnessed, read or heard it all, here comes a screenplay which leaves you captivated, and discussing the plot long after the final credits have rolled. Think The Sixth Sense meets The Matrix.

Where they do dat at: Here it is 2011 and I am amazed there are still people who turn their backs on the very ones who had been there for them, time and time again. If that isn't enough, these same people will turn around and be there for the ones who turned their backs on them in the first place.

If I have ever learned anything in life: I have learned that society might discriminate upon the color of your skin, economic status, hairstyle, gender, beliefs, your troubled past, educational background, insecurities, whatever. But regardless of those supposed drawbacks, please understand one thing; the most important thing - they can never ever knock your hustle. I swear to God.

Cool points to anyone who can name the recording artist who spoke these sentiments: "Mommas, don't let your kids watch television, until they know how to read. Or else all they'll know how to do is cut, fight and bleed. No child is bad from the beginning. They only imitate their atmosphere."
Looking forward to the game this weekend against the Saints and the Niners. I will be there sitting amongst Niners fans and daring them to say a word as I cheer my Saint.
Lastly, I appreciate all who frequent Powerful Beyond Measure and offer discussion upon various subjects and views being discussed. I love reading and writing blogs and value the emails that encourage me to keep posting - I will try to keep the blog updated.

I am writing a romantic short story. I'm making sure to edit and re-edit and I refuse to put any disclaimers on it.

Blessings, Nesha

All Things Me

2012-01-10T18:52:00.000-08:00

I take pleasure in my transformations. I look quiet and consistent, but few know how many women there are in me. - Me-

So I'll admit it, I'm a bit of a bipolar, multipersonality, sociopathic, egotistical, self-analyzing, forever critiquing myself mess...at times. I know this and at least I'll admit it. I want more, want to be more, am reaching for me, dream about more. Nesha is never quite enough for Nesha. In the midst of mi vida loca I want it all and still more. I saw the Crossfit Challenge Finals on tv last week and thought to myself "if they didn't look like they would tear a rotor cuff or break a collar bone in some of those movements I might actually try to win that thing before I turn 40. I bought Rosetta Stone so I could learn spanish, I am still contemplating piano lessons. I dream of a long bucket list of a million things I wish to aspire to before my half century mark. Currently is my next contest in just under 11 weeks. I'm a bit short of where I wanted to be but I'm hoping to be able to make some major improvements in the next few weeks and go into over-drive. Top 5, I'm coming for you.

In other news, the 18 year olds went against me forbidden them and gave themselves a much begged for birthday present. I'm disappointed but in the day of tattoos on the neck, forearms and back I'm happy its in an easily hideable place. Twin B said it was nothing like what he thought. He had no idea why people would think this was addictive and never wanted another one. Twin A was quick to let me know Twin B cried through most of the inking process. "The Strength of a Family is like an Army" are the inscribed words. hhhhmmmm, at least they stuck to something intelligent and that's all I have to say about that.

In the meantime I've found a new favorite song. I love it. Sooooo, what do you think?

Do Unto Others

2012-01-03T16:44:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can remember I've always been the type of person who believed that if you treated people good and kind-heartedly, in turn, they'd treat you the same. To me, this is a growing concept which makes perfect sense. Not only does such reciprocity garners respect, but it actually bodes well for humanity.
Imagine that.
It also forces spirituality. Which I believe to be exactly what Jesus Christ had in mind when He inhabited the Earth and attempted to show its inhabitants a better way. The only way, really. But, as life would have it, and as Jesus himself learned, The Golden Rule isn't necessarily practiced here. Not on a whole it isn't. Only preached. Apparently, not everyone received the memo.
Just a few. The limited number whose souls won't allow them to be anything other than of peace and good will, whose eyes are actually watching God. Those who awake to a world where the load appears lighter, grass greener, sun brighter.

Unfortunately, these are the same ones whose good deeds are often overshadowed by the characters who treat people one way and expect to be treated another, mistake kindness for weakness, always plotting.
And, of course, those who are perceived to be angels standing in the light. Yet, are nothing more than devils in the dark. In their hearts.
All of which leads to inner conflict otherwise known as spiritual struggle, where one then questions the struggles between good and bad, right and wrong, peace, war, everlasting life, eternal death, free will. In other words, the world in which we currently live. An infinitely confused world that many somehow believe will better itself.
But why? How? If we as humans on a whole cannot do unto others as we'd have them do unto us, then what does that say about us? And what are we saying towards the God in which we all pray?

I mean, really say?

Happy Birthday To me

2011-12-29T20:27:00.000-08:00

Dear God,

Well, it’s my birthday again. Number 38. I owe you many thanks for keeping me alive on this earth for all these years. I've kept my head held high and taken the good with the bad. You’ve got to admit; you’ve thrown some majorly crummy stuff my way in the past few years and I know I'm suppose to be learning from it. I know, I know…you’re testing me. How about we just admit that I’ve failed so that I can go back to the less challenging Remedial Life class? That way I can keep practicing this life-thing until I get it right.
By the way, I’m extremely grateful for your hand in working things out on so many different fronts. No one rocks like you do, God, when it comes to making the impossible happen. Not even Obama. Instead of birthday presents this year, I hope you’ll agree to a few changes that I’d like to make in order to become an even better person (and a whole lot less neurotic.) Are you ready? You might want to grab a pen and paper to jot these down:

For starters, enough with the stray gray hairs. I mean really. Do you have any idea how depressing it is to pluck those bad boys out every other morning only to see that they’ve reappeared in a different place the next day?
Can I also please grow some bigger quads and delts while I'm still young enough to flaunt them and win a contest or two? No doubt that would be the true definition of Heaven.
I know I’ve been asking for quite a lot here, and I don’t want to be greedy. Is it OK if I ask for a few things for others? For example, can you please give the Banking Industry a conscience? Maybe even a time-out so they can think long and hard about their bad behavior? If you still have those Ten Commandment tablets handy, or can get them back from Moses, the banks could stand to re-learn the parts about not lying, stealing or being greedy. I think they missed them the first time around.

Lastly, can you please give the Republicans in Congress a collective lobotomy? The only thing coming out of their mouths these days is the word NO and it’s making for a difficult life here in the United States. Rather than a plague of locusts, perhaps you can smite them with decency and good sense. If that doesn’t work, please send them all back to kindergarten; they were obviously absent the day that learning how to play nicely with others was discussed.

In closing, I’d like to thank you for surrounding me with such wonderful people for showing your continued agape love and keeping my family healthy. For keeping me around for another year, I’m going to do my best to make it a good one.

Sincerely,
Nesha

The 18th Bday Letter

2011-12-23T20:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Son, (I wrote this for both of you - I mean every word to each of you)

Today is your 18th birthday. It’s such a cliché to say that I can hardly believe it and that time has gone by so quickly, but it’s the truth. I feel tremendous ambivalence on this day, and it is not just the poignancy of a parent watching the maturation of a child and the accelerating passage of time and disbelieving that it could happen so quickly. How could you get to be so big, so independent, so capable, so complex, so funny, so far away? How could eighteen years have elapsed since that astonishing, magical moment that our eyes locked and I saw all that you had ever been and all that you were to become. You were disconcertingly serious, unconditionally present and absolutely real, and I have loved you completely ever since.

Like any first child (children), you were the culmination of such vast trepidations and expectations, the repository of such ineffable hope, the focus of so much concern and love. What I’m feeling as I anticipate your transition to adulthood (whatever that might mean!) is beyond my ability to express with words. In thinking about how well or how badly your father and I have prepared you for the world, I find that I am completely unprepared for how much more perilous and awful it feels to send you into the unknown. There are so many more things I want to teach you, to tell you, to show you.

You are still so young and you’re at a wonderful stage of life, with so many wonderful stages of life still to come, but they are not without their costs and perils. I want you to know that no matter what situation life may bring you, I will be there to see you through, if not in person, then in your heart. There are, and will be more, days that you don’t have the right answers, or any answers at all. You will find cruelty and suffering in your journey through life … but don’t let that close you to new things. Don’t retreat from life, don’t hide or wall yourself off. Be open to new things, new experiences and to new people. If you close your heart to new people, you’ll avoid pain … but you will also lose out on experiencing some incredible people, who will be there during the toughest times of your life and create some of the best times of your life.

Always take responsibility for your actions, good and bad. If you can’t change something, change the way you think about it. You will fail many times but if you allow that to stop you from trying, you will miss out on the amazing feeling of success once you reach new heights with your accomplishments. Failure is a stepping stone to success. You are growing stronger in wisdom with each passing year. Don’t ever use CAN’T as an excuse, ALWAYS TRY. Remember a mistake is not a failure unless you let it keep you down.

You will meet many people who will try to outdo you. Remember, life isn’t a competition. It’s a journey. If you spend that journey always trying to impress others, to outdo others, you’re wasting your journey. Instead, learn to enjoy the journey. Make it a journey of happiness, of constant learning, of continual improvement and above all, of love.

Remember to be kind to others even when you feel they might not deserve it. Let others see the real you from the inside. It’s ok to show your true feeling. Share your amazing spirit with others.

Most of all, love yourself. While others may criticize you, learn not to be so hard on yourself, to think that you’re anything less than the wonderful, sensitive, funny, strong, loyal, multifaceted, intuitive young man that I am so profoundly proud to call my son.

Finally, know that I love you and always will. You are starting out on a weird, scary, daunting, but ultimately incredibly wonderful journey, and I will be there for you when I can.

With all my love
mom

Continued Truth...the ugly

2011-12-16T14:29:00.000-08:00

1.We are all self-centered. Even the most selfless person is actually self-centered. We cannot help it, because we’re human. The sooner you realize that it is in your nature to think of only yourself, the less surprised you are when others put themselves before you. Well..actually…the act of you being appalled that others aren’t thinking of you is pretty self-centered, don’t you think?

2.The world will never be a better place. It’s not supposed to be. As long as we are civilized (in the economical sense), then there will always be poor, dying people in this world. Guess what? Your purpose shouldn’t be to make the world a better place, anyway. Make your world a better place. Many of us don’t get that far (see number 1 for explanation). I know people who spend their lives putting humanitarian effort into other countries but fail to impact the people that exist around them everyday. You live where you live for a reason. Ignore your world, and you’re life won’t make much of a difference globally.

3.Guess what will happen when you die? Not to you, but to the rest of us…still living, I mean. We will go on living. Without you. Great things will happen once you’re gone. God still has a purpose for the rest of us, and yours will cease to exist. So, while you’re here, stop acting like your purpose is the only one that matters.

4.There is an ultimate truth. There has to be. If you believe in scientific fact, then you’ve already opened yourself up to the notion that Absolute Truth exists. But, everything else…is simply your perception. Never. Ever. Mix the two.

5.Kindness trumps self-righteous virtue, any day. The moment you start to think you know better than another human being, the moment you become an enemy of God.

6.FOX News is a cesspool for bigoted, conservative bullies. And they do not represent the Christian stance. Since when does standing up for ”Christian” morals make you a Christian? No matter how you slice it, we are not on the same side.

7.Technically, there is no such thing as love at first sight. Maybe love at first hearing…or like at first sight, but there is no way you can love (in the true sense of the word) by simply seeing another person. Any person who believes in it is slightly misguided.

8.Even in the smallest part, we all end up like our parents. Whether you believe in either side of the Nature or Nurture debate, you’ll still get the same result. Get over it…there’s still so much of you left to figure out.

9.Marijuana makes you an idiot. And if it’s legalized then that will kill the 1.7 billion dollar underground marijuana industry that’s keeping urban America afloat. So, if I were a weed man/connoisseur …I’d keep my indignant rants to myself.

10.Nothing, usually, is ever as serious as you’re making it in the moment. There are nations of people around the world, at this very moment, that are surviving hunger, poverty, attempted genocides of their nation, oppression, abuse, societal rape, natural disasters, etc. Surely, you have all that you need to get through this as well. Just take a second. Do your brain a favor, and give it some extra oxygen. Breathe.

11.God’s given us all the choice to invent & reinvent ourselves into whatever we want, but knowing your Creator intimately is like saying hello to yourself for the first time.

Timing

2011-12-16T14:23:00.000-08:00

I am a dichotomy of sorts. At times my ideals conflict with my actions. One of those being that of timing. I have an awful sense of timing; despite having a strong reverence for the value of time itself. I realize life is too short and many people are dying lately; no words should be left unsaid. Actions are meant to be intentional, meaningful, but sure. We’re only given one life, and a numbered set of chances. Surprisingly, even to myself, I’ve had my brave moments.
I am not, by far, one of those people who go from spontaneous moment to the next. Maybe because I feel peace when something I put work and effort into, actually meets success. Some things are meant to have the accompaniment of planning. Even important, lofty things like dreams cannot become reality without your own two hands’ determined grasp. Regardless, unplanned or thought out, each transition from one season to another is birthed through a single moment. Where you make a decision to move or act. Granted, it’s only 1/18 of a second in light of a lifetime, but these moments are the vehicles of our lives.

The moment where I decided to pick up that pencil and paper and write my first poem.

…Where I filled out that college application.
…Where I committed by body to a healthy lifestyle.
…Where let my guard down to him and opened my heart.
…When I prayed that unforgotten prayer.

I’ve had my brave moments. But I wasn’t alone.

Something was always present; beckoning me on. Calling me higher.

Encouraging me not to live life afraid; hiding from the bad moments.

Which is why I don’t see life as a rollercoaster meant to only be enjoyed and endured until the ride is over. Each turn, rise, and fall is meaningful. The destination is sure to come, but that doesn’t make the journey any less beautiful.
Look up from your grind and notice the handwriting in between each minute on the clock. Pay attention to the hidden pull of Love, and its urgency to call you higher from where you’ve settled.
Timing speaks and it says that there’s more.

Blessings,
Nesha

Me?

2011-12-14T13:06:00.000-08:00

I find it inevitable that I am constantly thinking, like a hamster on a wheel...it's frustrating often but I understand what my truths are. Just decided to list a few of late:

I seem to be easily annoyed by those who lack motivation
Being pushy gets you nowhere with me
I'm constantly analyzing everything and everyone...different from judging...simply analyzing.
I will admit it, I'm constantly stressed worrying about the unknown future
I do not judge loud, obnoxious flashy people, I just have low tolerance for them
Once you enter my heart you are there forever
I am completely shy and reserved in the beginning but once I'm comfortable all bets are off
I'm a bit cautious at first but only because I'm surveying the situation before I react to it.
Don't doubt me...it's bad for you
I like to do everything myself, this way, there is no worrying about something not being done properly
I don't mix well with disorder
You'll only know what I want you to know about me, no more, no less. Trust!
The slightest thing turns me completely off. Unfortunately that goes from everything (people, clothes, food etc)
Sometimes I crave solitary, I don't know why...I just do.
I hate being controlled or smothered
Insult me after I've been kind to you and I will kill you with silent treatment and ignore your whole existence (I know, yuck huh)

I'm working on myelf once again in 2012.

Thoughts on this quarter...

2011-12-14T12:42:00.000-08:00

...and so another quarter down and my journey continues. This one has by far been the most difficult from me with two law classes, my final english course and a philosophy course under my belt. Funny thing is, I started to drop the philsophy course a week in. I found the text book drab and confusing, the text book boring and the questions often frustrating. I thought I'd be better taking it in the classroom. After talking to my adviser, who didn't respond to my email until another week had passed, I figured, "okay, two weeks in and 100% on both of the homework assignments, I guess I'll go for it". I fought it tooth and nail the entire way. In one forum I even stated "this philosophy crap is simply a way to try and prove God does not exist, it's foolery". The week of the whole 'Does God Exist" and write proof that he does and proof that he doesn't, truly wanted to make me throw in the towel. I didn't realize that we were on the downside of the heel and there was light at the end of the tunnel. Last week, I finally turned on my research paper ' My Philosophy On Life'. I figured the professor would think I'm a quack by most of my absurd ramblings and ideas and my thoughts on life. Thursday I woke up to an email stating that he found it "eloquent, poetic at times and a joy to read".
This class has truly opened my mind to things I thought but not shared to most except for my readers here. It made me think beyond "because I said so and that's the way it is". It helped me say "and I believe this because...". Regardless of how I did on the final I'm pleased with my work and happy that I took the class.

On other fronts, Legal turned out great and so did Torts. I'm a legal head, I realize this so I flew through the classes and was excited to take the finals. I await my grade but I've finally reached the knowledge of knowing when I did good on a test and when I bombed it. I bombed the philosophy final and kicked but in the legal classes. The English Final is tonight. Fortunately/Unfortunately it was a course that know one, including me realized that I didn't take. It may save my gpa after a possible bombed philosophy final. I learned a few new things but for the most, I wished I would have taken this english course at the beginning of my college career and will push for the boys to take it, as it may help greatly in not getting back a sea of red on their early essay...if you haven't figured it was Intensive Grammar.

I'm so happy to not have to open any book except my preferred reading on the Nook for a few weeks. I look forward to quiet holidays except for the fact that I'm 15 weeks out from the next contest and dieting has begun. My plain chicken, rice and brocolli have grown old quickly. I'm saving my first day for Christmas. I see myself getting stronger each day and I had an Epic workout today.

blessings to all see you soon.

Jordan's Cola Commercial

2011-12-09T12:44:00.000-08:00

Jordan makes Cayden a mini star for his digital media class. First attempt...pretty good!

On fumes

2011-12-06T10:10:00.000-08:00

So it's about 10am and I'm on some crazy fumes I guess. My anxiety has come and gone and I've been up all night. Philosophy, the dreaded class that has tried my nerves, frustrated me to no end, made me damn near through the lap top across the room, kept me up in the morning and now made me stay up all night is nearly done. 11 weeks ago I began the journey of attempting two law classes and a philosophy class in one semester. I feel tired in my body, but that 7 page philosophical synthesis on ME is finally done. Honestly, I could have probably gone back in this blog and pulled out all my thoughts and opinions and created something grand but my professor might have thought that without my ties to Aristotle, Plato, Kant and Einsten it was worthless. At least by his standards. I have done more citing, quoting and paraphrasing in the last 10 hours than in my entire college career. My mind is mush and I could think of nothing more than to write about it before I slept for a few hours. It is due today at 1:00pm. I submitted it at 3am this morning to the sounds of my family's snores, Trutv, Ledisi and my space heater.
I could have turned it in a week ago, but then, that would be uncharacteristic of Nesha. Instead weekly this class has been a struggle for me and my work has been submitted usually at 12:30pm, a half hour before the deadline. I'm glad it's over. I will say, I know more, but about what? That is a discussion for another day.
At the same time my law classes make me smile. It's coming together. I received an A on my midterm (the only A in the class) and I will take my final next Monday. I'm worried but the material has stuck for the most part. I don't really like this class much. The majority of the students are paralegals and it frustrates me when the professor, an attorney says "when you all go out into your field as paralegals..."...ummm not. Not bias, it's just not my thing.

Okay...I'm wrapping this up. I'm exhausted and rambling. Twin B is the only one playing a sport right now. I sometimes wonder if Twin A misses basketball at all. He's training already for next year's football season. Twin B is having a great time but hasn't quite got his basketball legs under him, hence the hands on knees after three trips up the court. His team won their first tourney this past weekend in Santa Cruz. Nice weekend, but not beach weather. I was so cold the majority of the time and it's nearly impossible to get a cell signal in that hole. Okay, okay enough...until later. Above is an updated picture of me. Season training (diet wise) begins this week. My current weight is 146...yeah you like huh. This is so not cute. I don't have clothes for a 146 lb body, I looked like a stuft potato in most things. I've put on the weight and the muscle and now it's time to trim it down a bit and get ready for March. Enjoy the full face. It will be leaving soon.
Nesha

Not much to say...Football done

2011-11-22T11:16:00.000-08:00

Twins and Ya Ya and Pa pa

High school football is over. I've had a blast. These boys have made me love this game. I mean realistically, I've always liked football. I had a football boyfriend or two and enjoyed watching them on the field but nothing could prepare me for the love I would have for this game once my boys suited up in the pads. The thought that my son would take a role in which every game the defender would be set on crashing him and ripping the ball from his hands as he fought for yardage has made me sick, thrilled, insane, excited and many other indescribable emotions.

Last Friday we lost to a team that was not better than us but, definitely more prepared for the emotions. We showed up to a dog fight in our ballet shoes. (I posted the whole story, then decided against it and erased it). The boys played their hearts out and left nothing on the field. I'm proud and I continue to fall in love with the men they are becoming more each day.

College awaits, back to the bottom of the totem pole on the football field as Twin A continues to ponder his next move. Twin B moves on to basketball and his senior season on the hardwood.

On a side note...CJ and Daddy's team won the championship! CJ enters the Ward realm of building a tradition of champions!

Been Slacking

2011-11-13T11:54:00.000-08:00

So I realize I've been slacking on my updates and life in general. It seems its all just one big day lately. I feel extremely exhausted and there can't possible be enough hours for everything. I'm sitting down to get a good update in but no telling when I'll be able to do it again...lol

This senior year seems to be flying by. I'm saddened that in a little over a month I will be a mother of 18 year old twins. Wow is the only word to describe this. The football season has flown by and last Friday was the first playoff game for the their team. We were ranked #5 and played the #12 seed. This division is so deep though, that could have been ugly. Twin A finished with 3 touch downs and was sat down early in the 3rd to save him for what promises to be a physical game against the #4 spot next week. Twin B also continues his starting role at DB and was on an island by himself daring them to through it for most of the night. Finally score was 47-21 but we went into halftime leading 34-0. All scores thereafter were scored on our second string and a host of sophomores brought up after their season for playoffs.

The first quarter ended well with Twin B pulling out his usual good grades. I'll take his 3.6 any day to the 2.5 I solidly had in high school. Considering he only has 4 classes it should be a bit higher though. Unfortunately, Twin A has a full load complete with two sciences, a math, english, religion, spanish 2 and government. No room for error in his quest to clear the NCAA clearinghouse. He does well for his stringent academic regimine but I feel bad for him on somedays. He pulled out the first quarter just under a 3.0, we'll see how he does with finals this semester.

They have finally decided which schools they will apply to and I'm happy to say only two California schools are in the hunt. The other schools include 2 others still on the west coast and a southern school. Yes, all the same schools. Twin A just finally said it "I don't want to go out of state unless my brother comes". aawww, my heart melted just a bit, but it took him forever to say it.

Finally, senior night wiped me out. I was an emotional wreck for the majority of the day and cried anytime someone asked me how I felt. As the boys ran toward me with their flowers, I could barely see through my tears but wanted to have "no ugly face" pictures so I straightened up. I can't imagine my life without these boys. The love I have for them feels my heart each and everyday.

Lots of talks with them this year and they are sharing some great stuff. I love that they talk to me and share their thoughts on their life, God and the future. I will say, I hate their whole "twitter-swag", but they have to have an outlet so I'll let it be..for now.

Back to my hole and making my nitch in this world, taking care of my family, Jr. Rams, basketball, football, law school (which has become overwhelming lately), and everything that is Nesha.

I've Learned...

2011-11-10T13:28:00.000-08:00

Thinking about my, i've learned yet, if it's changed...if it's the same. Contemplating this morning the many things I've learned:
-pain is weakness leaving your body...this ables to many kinds of pain

-God first, then family...period.

-a person will only do what you allow

-men are much slower at learning life lessons and applying them

-sometimes there are only temporary fixes.

-I posses something much deeper than appears to the naked eye, I finally know that

-love is a powerful thing. That's all

-you cannot change a person but you can be a person’s motivation to change

-set you boundaries early in a relationship and stick to them no matter what. If you don't, you'll regret it

-if you feel like someone is talking to you, most of the time they are

-children are such beautiful blessings

-GOD truly is LOVE

-it’s ok to cry

-relationships are about compromise, not sacrifice
-love does sometimes hurt

-credit is everything

-education is key

-people are always watching you, even when it doesn’t seem like it

-actions speak louder than words

-being independent is good but God created us to be Inter-dependent; NOT dependent, NOT CO-dependent (Joel Olsteen)

-some people just won’t ever get it

-intimacy = in to me see

-I have a deep affect on most people I encounter

-I can’t just give a little. It’s all or nothing

Song in My Head

2011-11-10T13:07:00.000-08:00

PERFECT!

50 Questions

2011-10-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

my mom came up with my name and my dad is the only one who calls me my full name.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

yesterday...had a mini breakdown, but I'm okay now

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

no its horrible

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Salami

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

yeap

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

of course and I would love me too

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?

I should use it a bit less,.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

Yes

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

never

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

raisin bran

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

Not normally

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Physically, yes,.. Emotionally, not so much

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

Chocolate

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Their posture, their hair, smile(teeth), and humour(if any)

15. RED OR PINK?

Neither

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

I let people walk all over me (sometimes)

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

Gran...but my mom right now

18. WHAT IS THE PAUL MCKENNA TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST? hmm.. just following 4 golden rules in general

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

hate shoes

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

Chiptole burrito bowl

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

Judge Judy

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Green

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Vanilla and Donna Karan

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

My Mom

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?

Either

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Track, football, basketball

27. HAIR COLOR? #2 (inside joke)

28. EYE COLOR? BROWN

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

yes, sometimes

30. FAVORITE FOOD?

too many too name but currently I'm loving off season bananas

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

happy endings

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

Mahogany

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

Pink...but i still hate the color

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Summer

35. HUGS OR KISSES?

Hugs, if they smell good

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?

Anything with chocolate in it,..

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?

body building baby!

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?

tele

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

Audacity ...again, The Dream Weaver...a boys journey

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

mouse pads are so last decade

42. FAVORITE SOUND?

giggling little boys and the SMACK OF THE PADS ON FRIDAY NIGHT! - In winter I love the Whoosh of the 3

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?

Hmm both are good,. stones

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

Japan

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

yes, and thats all i have to say about that

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

In a hospital??..

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?

in a big house that makes too many noises in the day time

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE? Err,. brown

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?

which car?

50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS?

nosey

Things I just don't understand...

2011-10-20T16:26:00.001-07:00

• how and why Dr. Conrad Murray is on trial for the death of Michael Jackson, when MJ clearly embraced his spiral towards death

• Men. I thought I did, but I don't.

• Anyone who refers to themselves as a "Relationship Expert", and actually believes it

• Fact that talk show personality Wendy Williams has a live, breathing audience

• Black Entertainment Television airs the same movies, over and over and over again

• People who decline to order anything, yet, soon as your food arrives, they dig their hungry eyes into plate and point, "Let me see what that tastes like."

• why I don't have the patience to allow my phone to fully charge

• Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo. Still. Not sure if he even has himself figured

• why America creates its heroes, builds them up, only to rip every fiber of their being completely apart

• why people place expectations upon others, nevermind how unfair or unrealistic. Then, become unnerved when THEIR expectations aren't met

Ugly Truths...get over it

2011-10-20T16:08:00.000-07:00

1.We are all self-centered. Even the most selfless person is actually self-centered. We cannot help it, because we’re human. The sooner you realize that it is in your nature to think of only yourself, the less surprised you are when others put themselves before you. Well..actually…the act of you being appalled that others aren’t thinking of you is pretty self-centered, don’t you think?

2.The world will never be a better place. It’s not supposed to be. As long as we are civilized (in the economical sense), then there will always be poor, dying people in this world. Guess what? Your purpose shouldn’t be to make the world a better place, anyway. Make your world a better place. Many of us don’t get that far (see number 1 for explanation). I know people who spend their lives putting humanitarian effort into other countries but fail to impact the people that exist around them everyday. You live where you live for a reason. Ignoring your world, and you’re life won’t make much of a difference globally.

3.Guess what will happen when you die? Not to you, but to the rest of us…still living, I mean. We will go on living. Without you. Great things will happen once you’re gone. God still has a purpose for the rest of us, and yours will cease to exist. So, while you’re here, stop acting like your purpose is the only one that matters.

4.There is an ultimate truth. There has to be. If you believe in scientific fact, then you’ve already opened yourself up to the notion that Absolute Truth exists. But, everything else…is simply your perception. Never. Ever. Mix the two.

5.Kindness trumps self-righteous virtue, any day. The moment you start to think you know better than another human being, the moment you become an enemy of God.

6.FOX News is a cesspool for bigoted, conservative bullies. And they do not represent the Christian stance. Since when does standing up for ”Christian” morals make you a Christian? No matter how you slice it, we are not on the same side.

7.Technically, there is no such thing as love at first sight. Maybe love at first hearing…or like at first sight, but there is no way you can love (in the true sense of the word) by simply seeing another person. Any person who believes in it is slightly misguided.

8.Even in the smallest part, we all end up like our parents. Whether you believe in either side of the Nature or Nurture debate, you’ll still get the same result. Get over it…there’s still so much of you left to figure out.

9.The only thing that cures love's brokenheart is love.
10.Nothing, usually, is ever as serious as you’re making it in the moment. There are nations of people around the world, at this very moment, that are surviving hunger, poverty, attempted genocides of their nation, oppression, abuse, societal rape, natural disasters, etc. Surely, you have all that you need to get through this as well. Just take a second. Do your brain a favor, and give it some extra oxygen. Breathe.

11.God’s given us all the choice to invent & reinvent ourselves into whatever we want, but knowing your Creator intimately is like saying hello to yourself for the first time.

Whale vs. Mermaids...really?

2011-10-06T09:38:00.000-07:00

I received this in my inbox this morning. I don’t know who to give credit to, but I wanted to share.
Mermaid or a Whale
Recently, in large city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym .. It said:

¨THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?¨
A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans).. They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don’t exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don’t have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a piece of chocolate with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good gosh, look how smart I am…¨

----------------------------------------
I probably could go on and on about this is another reason to enable people to be unhealthy, the obesity rate, society always talking about loosing weight but making excuses for why they are fat etc.
I won't go there. Instead I will say this. I'd prefer to not be a whale or a mermaid. Instead, I'm currently a cheetah, trying desperately to get to lioness status.

The lion is said to be majestic but elegant and graceful best describes the cheetah. The cheetah is smaller than othercats, but by far the fastest. The cheetah is built for speed. It has long, slim, muscular legs, a small, rounded head set on a long neck, a flexible spine, a deep chest. Cheetah mothers spend a long time teaching their young how to hunt. Unlike most other cats, the cheetah usually hunts during daylight, preferring early morning or early evening, but is also active on moonlit nights. Cheetahs are never run in packs. They prefer to be leaders than followers.

Me in a nutshell. Still the thought being a lioness with all those muscles is still interesting :)

I believe

2011-10-04T16:55:00.000-07:00

There is nothing more powerful in one's mind than the feeling of how inspires your body to continue on when you feel as if you are making progress. I'm beginning to see dreams and goals happen in my life. I'm so honored to be blessed and loved by my God and he knows when I need to feel as if I am moving forward. I can push another day because the light at the end of the tunnel is beginning to shine.

Funny thing about that is, it's simply faith alone. Nothing is going right at this moment. My car seems to be on empty constantly, medically I have a few issues, my computer crashed, my phone crashed, the kids are great but they are still kids and above all that everything still is glowing to me.

I wish we had more sleep, more time, more life right now. The routine becomes old still. there is light.

That Kid

2011-09-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

so I'm bragging just a slight bit. I feel good today. My Bam Bam is having a great year so far. Each morning as I crawl in that closet and ask God to protect my children each day, to keep them blessed, healthy and injury free I wonder if he also knows that in the back of my mind, I wish for a little more. The little more is "Lord, it would be nice if somebody out there took notice"...well I'm pleased with the notice he has received thus far.

Today, Maxpreps rankings came out and check this out. My baby is currently number 15 in the country...whoop whoop...and whoa! Check this one out. Hes number to in the state. I'm elated! Just a small boast on my kid.

Free Write

2011-09-13T11:36:00.000-07:00

So we have this thing in school called Free Write. You remember it. It's wierd you don't edit, you don't think you just write. Got some things in my head. Need to free write today. Some of it are facebook status's I would never say because I don't want people to think I'm crazy, conceited or just have too much time on my hands the way I believe about some of my facebook "friends". Here goes:

Senior year has been a little harder than I thought. I'm watching the boys grow before my eyes. No one has asked me to help them with homework the whole year. I've gone into their room several times and said, "need help". The response...nope, I got it. (big sigh). "okay, well holler if you need me". Not even a glance of the shoulder. Might as well say "aight mom, bounce and shut my door when you leave".

Jalen continues his quest as the feature back. My voice is gone again. I've screamed like crazy the last two weeks and gotten light headed two weeks in a row from holding my breath and enormous, corn-fed, steroid "looking" defense boys attempted to take his head off. I find myself on pins and needles as he breaks tackles and runs the field. I can't breath while he's under the pile until I see his little mighty mouse body pop up.

At the same time, I determined to see my baby boy, twin B get his props and I nearly passed out last week each time a pass comes his way. It's week 2, an interception, Rivas style would be nice. My issues with him are slightly different though. He's a good kid but I see his inner struggle continues. He's enjoying his body lately. I've had to tell him a couple times, you ain't my man, go put some shorts on. Don't be running around the house in your drawers like you pay some bills here dude. He's texting someone new. I haven't figured out who yet though. He's been particularly quiet about who it is. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping it's no one from the past. I haven't met a girl who liked Jordan who I like yet (what, I'm just being honest).

Finally, I feel like if I could split myself in 3 there may be enough to do all the things I need to get done. One morning sleeping in would feel great but on mornings I think I can I remember something I have forgotten to do. School, Training, Work, Jr Rams, Wardsports, House, Bills, Errands, Projects, The Bigs, The Littles. It don't stop.

On another note, no rebound...I'm still there. Gotta grow some muscle, but I'm still the hottest soccer mom...lol (my kids don't play soccer and I don't drive a mini-van).

Thinking Time>>>

2011-08-25T16:48:00.000-07:00

Every so often, I fall introspective. I’m sure anyone who knows me would assume that it happens it doesn't happen too ofte but more than let on. I find myself so completely wrapped up in the happenings of the day, the events to come, the people to meet and meet up with, the conversations to be had and a mysterious sudden rush to go even harder that I, without fail, neglect to be mindful of what I'm getting out of it all. It’s rare, during those times, that I do any substantial amount of contemplative thinking – just reactive. Last thing I think to do is deal, would rather do.
I’m so completely inspired and intrigued by the fitness industry. Right now I've been consumed by it. The way the body changes, the diets, the mechanics, the finished product. While these things/concepts are physical & superficial stimulants, it’s actually human service, a commitment to decolonization, people, learning, truth-seeking that’s intrinsically threaded into my very identity. I believe you have to be a be vain to be a part of this.
I almost always find myself, at the tail end of such a stint, when all is quieted, not holding fast to what it is I ought to be working on. I’m talking about the stuff that contributes to bettering myself as a person, uplifting my spirit, securing my future, and most importantly, strengthening my faith.

It almost always lies in that which I pursue in solitude.

1. Begin reading my Bible daily instead of a few times a week, again.
2. Continue my morning talks with the Lord
3. Read (for my own purposes) at least one hour a day.

4. Write (for my own purposes) at least one hour a day.

5. Limit television.

6. Judge less, affirm more.

7. Develop and maintain an constist relationship with my extended family.

8. Work towards more positive thinking daily.

9. Dont sweat the small stuff.

10. Better control the content of my conversations.

Moving on, there are some matters that have been weighing on my mind. Questions to which answers are, I'm sure, controversial. Assertions that may even seem absurd to some but in an effort to not censor my right mind, I'm putting pen to paper to authenticate.

Something

2011-08-25T16:32:00.000-07:00

Lord knows I need something to write about. So I have here, the 30 Days of Truth List....a sort of blog challenge.

I picked from the list and decided on one of the topics. - NAME SOMETHING YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF

I think I hate my reluctance to verbally assert myself in situations in which it would be appropriate or that require it most. I have really strong views on most things, and the things I don’t have views on, it’s often because I’m indifferent and that’s fine. I don’t have a need to have an opinion about everything. But often times, I’m in situations where the people in my presence will say some absurd, insensitive, self-indulgent, erroneous stuff and depending upon my “readiness,” I may very well not say anything…maybe give a look. My thoughts are often a different story, though. I’ve simply never been boisterous. And while I realize there’s a definitive difference between boisterous and outright passive, I do worry that a retort (esp. in the manner that I tend to give it) would certainly take me there and have me outside of my character. I don’t worry that it’s not in me to speak up, as I’ve been entirely too much for some people in my recent history. It’s not an all the time thing, nevertheless, it can come off as if I don’t have an opinion and not that I generally care about what the individuals in particular think of me, it’s just good practice to speak up in an effort to not let this characterize my nature in people's understanding of me.

....Summer

2011-07-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

The summer continues and life is going...spinning, faster and faster. My Vegas trip last week was nice but EXPENSIVE! Twin B's team lost the first game but went on to win 4 games and lost in the semis of bracket play. In between games I proceeded to put a hurting on my wallet at the roulette table. 24 REFUSED to hit. I hate to play the lines to just say in the game but my hard head lead to quick games and a whole in my pocket. I literally game back from Vegas with $10 bucks in my wallet. Shoulda stayed in the gym.

Jordan was home the next day but 2pm and left at 5 am headed to Anaheim for the Best of the Best - Double Pump tourney. Since he barely noticed I was in Vegas except during games, I let him go to Anaheim this week by himself. They are currently 2-0. I can't believe my baby checked in to a hotel by himself, took a tour of UCLA and could careless about his momma. This year is gonna be hard for me. Twin A is also out of town having a small vacation before the season begins too. The house is quiet but at least there is food in the cabinets.

Youth football has begun as well. Everyday is a scramble to get it together. I love the kids, like the parents and the vibe at the field is good. Praying to God that is stays that way.

Finally, training continues on my continued journey to become a National Figure Competitor. Lots of things going on. Diet for muscle building is interesting. I hope the pancakes continue. Training is intense. Feeling more tired lately, but my health seems good. My back is still bothering me a bit but only when I'm standing. As long as I'm moving, training, doing cardio or wearing heels it's fine. It's truly RETARDED and IRRITATING! I'm still in love and excited about everything happening with my body. Most days I look in the mirror and I'm still amazed. Can't wait to see the rest.

Anyway, life is good. Happy and blessed.

Back in Effect

2011-07-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

Wow! Can't believe it's been so long and I've ignored my page this long. I guess the best way to catch up is to simply just tell everyone what has been going on.

So many things. I have literally been a crazy woman on a mission EVERYDAY! My contest is over and it was exciting, exhilarating, amazing, disappointing, thrilling, and so many other words that I will stop for now.

The buildup was crazy and the last few weeks, were driving me nuts. The water intake and water deprivation, the menu changes, the work outs, the analyzing of my suit, my shoes, my body, my hair and my mental was ridiculous. I was struggling with my quads and my biceps and wether they would come in more defined at the last minute, if my abs would pop (they did, kind of) and was I eating the right things.

I knew I was coming in small; I had no idea how small for choosing Masters (35+). The last minute water deprivation washed me out. I’ll know next time. I probably could have even had some pancakes and syrup that morning 

Competition day was DEEP! I didn’t sleep much for two reasons, I was excited and I didn’t want to mess up my hair…oh and I forgot to mention the most important thing . A week before competition I tweaked my back doing some dead lifts. I really haven’t been quite the same since. I’ve been to the chiropractor, the acupuncturist, the masseuse, had cold packs, heat backs, stretching, left side, right side, back side and front side. Major pain! 3 weeks later I’m still in pain. A shooting pain that runs down my back to the front of my leg. Each day it’s less pain, but still pain nevertheless.

I lift different now because it hurt so bad the day it happened that I can’t get it out of my mind and I feel myself being a bit timid.

I didn’t do well in the competition. Its’ hard for me. I’ve never had to struggle for anything my entire life. I’ve just been GOOD. Good at basketball, good at high jump, good at tiddley winks, chess, spades, whatever it is…I can beat you. Figure competing is different. The mini competitions I’ve down before this have nothing on actually figure competition and it blew me away. For a minute, about the last week or so it’s messed up my self confidence. Now, days later, my confidence has come back with a vengeance. The fuel for my fire is to compete again and take nothing less than the top spot. Initially I planned on November for the Sac competition. Instead I sat down with my trainer and decided on March. That gives me seven months to put on 10-12 lbs of solid muscle. I’m so excited I really haven’t been able to think straight. I’m really happy I took the summer of school off.

The other things that have taken place were, we moved, my babies are now seniors, and I have about 3 semesters of school left to go. Football season for the youth program has begun and kicks off this week. Jordan will be traveling to Vegas and LA this week for basketball and Jalen received Top 100 and an invite to Oklahoma for a work out, along with a few more letters of interest. Life is busy, but life is good.

Musings

2011-06-27T22:43:00.000-07:00

what's on my mind right now.

-Life as we see it, doesn't happen like we like, nor how we planned. Our plans will be in place and LIFE will throw some curve ball at you that will leave you rescheduling, redesigning, rethinking. That's something i've come to learn and deal with.

-I am concentrating my energy now on my family right now and my crafts and everything else secondly.

-What is my purpose here? Do you know your purpose? I think it is one of the hardest questions i have ever been asked. And i would say no at first...because i know what i want, but is that the same as my purpose. I see purpose as contributing in many ways not only to yourself but to the whole of society...so i must ponder on this a while longer.

-Everyone wants to be a writer. Everyone thinks he/she is a writer waiting to published. But truly we must know everyone is not meant to be a writer. Not everyone is gifted with the talent, creativeness to express and convey a new reality. Who are we kidding? Really? I've worked decades on refining my craft and i'm still not satisfied...so i say to all new writers out there. Yes, you may have a gift, a voice, a desire to be known...but if your story don't reside with the masses you are only telling your story to yourself. Refine, practice, redefine, study...not one pianist, dancer, musician, choreographer, artist...relied on just what they believed or what their family believed...it was more. Define who you are, your individuality, your gift...then refine that gift...make it yours. The world is waiting.

-I'm not sure where i'm going from here...i know i have many projects i'm working on and i'm glad everyone is happy with what i've been able to accomplish but some of my projects have suffered, not so much because of my muse, but because i have shifted my priorities and my lack of imagination has led me to lead. I'm not mad at that...in fact in many ways it has helped me to see clearly. but still frustation.

Lately I've been CRAVING an ice cream sundae! For about the last two days! Killin me. I even had a dream about an ice cream sundae sitting on my stomach and I was licking the whip cream. I have issues. I know. The training is killing me. HUNGRY ALL THE TIME.

MIA Sorry...

2011-06-26T19:08:00.000-07:00

So much going on right now. Truly too much to explain. I'm two weeks out from contest date. My body is changing rapidly. Craziness. I'm so caught up in it all it is consuming me. The semester ended. I finished just short all A's. That darn Advanced English kicked my booty!

Boys are SUPER BUSY! Not extremely busy! SUPER BUSY...NOTHING ELSE DESCRIBES the amount of dentist, doctors, camps, clinics, games, football and basketball, swimming, parties, everything goiung on at this moment in time. I'm enjoying it. Cayden will be 6 on Thursday...my baby is grown. All the babies are growing up.

My mind - as clear as it can be for now I guess. Remants of things sometimes floating through my head but I'm too busy to concentrate for too long. I went to the women's retreat this weekend. My soul has been blessed. She whispered to me and said, the only thing you haven't let go of is the fear. Pastor Harper said toss out the Purpose Driven Life, you won't find the purpose for your life in there. I agree. I smile because she said I'm using my gifts, I frown because she said I'm afraid...of what? Life. True.

I haven't written in weeks, more lately...people are hungry, mom must cook.

Song In My Head - Wrap Me in Your Arms

2011-06-26T19:01:00.000-07:00

Nothing else to say. Thank you Lord!

Feeling This Right now..oldie but goodie

2011-06-17T18:53:00.000-07:00

Just Me

2011-06-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

I watched a poetry event last week on tv. And while the actual poetry reads were lackadaisical, the experience thereafter was satisfying. Best thing I've watched in a while. As with all human interaction, you're often forced to confront some things about yourself. For me, it was my less than positive thinking sometimes. Nevertheless, for this one, having little correlation to the event and due to a lack of anything else more inspiring to write about, I’ll discuss my favorites. Some clearly apparent. Some possibly only assumed? Not sure. But, here goes:

Color:

Green, easily, with black running a close race.

Current Quote:

“The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference," when remembering that disdain doesn't equate to a definitive disinterest in a person. Also, the understanding that a general feeling of indifference is wholly, the absence of love - for the moments when I find myself giving the cold shoulder to individuals I genuinely love.
Lauryn Hill

*My favorite quote changes weekly!

Person:

My mom, hands down.

Pair of shoes:

My Black and White Suede Pumas! Hands down, I could sleep in them. I'll buy another pair soon

Author:

Bell Hooks. Attempting to make my way through all of her books. Current read: Yearning: Race, Gender and Cultural Politics.

Fashion trend:

Jeggings, if you knew men then you know how boney I am right new in the season and these are the only thing that still make me look like "damn, she bangin". Everything else is a potato sack.

Singer:

Marsha Ambrosia - Hands down right now, she is reading my mind.

Rapper:

Tupac is my all time favorite but right now Wiz Khalifah and Lupe Fiasco is on heavy rotation.

Poem:

Ego Trippin’ – Nikki Giovanni

Actress:

Jada Pinkett - Smith - Simply Untouchable

Film:

Current Seven Pounds. I love this movie. Like LOVE!

Old Skool - The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh, Imititation of Life, Lady Sings the Blues, Mahogany

Song:

Lose Myself - Marsha Ambrosia

Conversation topic:

love, relationships, books, kids (sorry), the future

Thing(s) to do on a Saturday morning:

Work Out

Places to shop:

H&M and Macy’s.

Food:

All Food

Television show:

The First 48

Quality in myself:

In my 37 years of age, I’ve garnered an ability to quickly determine the limits of a connection with most individuals. I've managed to waste less time….and heartache.

Gadget:

My Blackberry. I feel super typical saying this, but it's true that I can better compose on my Blackberry than on my laptop.

Daily revelation:

I'm stronger than I realize.

So I truly love those who love me

2011-06-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it’s necessary to simply allow people to move through your life. Getting in the way of whatever their purpose was/is is akin to getting in the way of yourself. Regardless of the duration of their stay, there's always a lesson to be learned from their arrival. Grasp the lesson.

***

Sometimes outwardly, but usually subconsciously, I’ve found myself attempting to control or ruminating over the roles individuals play in my life – determining their relevance and at times feeling spiteful. Neither activity is progressive and neither have sharpened my understanding/clarified a decision on how to handle him/her. Both have saddled my mind and spirit with the kind of heavy, unnerving load that misfortune will often heap upon you.

But so far, so good.

Epiphanies happen most often when I choose to loosen my grip on what’s to be expected of life. More recently, I’d begun to question my value in the hearts of those I’ve allowed into my circle. I question it, exhibit reactionary behavior as a result of it (whether it be direct, evasive, passive-aggressive), and then settle in to question why any of “what they feel about me” matters. On several occasions, to my embarrassment, I find that their interest or regard had never shifted to begin with. Easily making real the fear of a sort of unrequited respect, unrequited love.

Long ago, I came back in contact with girl I’d had one of the most tumultuous connections with. It’s been six years since speaking with her and before allowing a conversation to ensue, I had to calm what deep-seated concerns I had. She could easily be considered one of those friends who shook my faith in friendships. Nevertheless, I allowed the line of conversation to take place with subtle trepidation and to my surprise, she seemed to have changed her disruptive ways. Her one frustration was that I cut off contact with her without explanation. A frustration she’d have to get over, and by the close of the conversation, she did. Since, I’ve allowed the friendship to do whatever it’s suppose to do – maintaining boundaries, but thinking very little of it’s direction and development. With my worrying mind, it’s best.

In short, and with regard to the title of this one, it’s become much more easy to love those who love me, care for those who care for me and focus on those individuals. Not in a selfish way or to a neurotic degree, but allowing those friends & family who want to feed you, feed you. And in the interim, when they have been called to tend to the needs of other significant parties/forces in their lives, make productive my time alone (as I do so well). Should the connection dissipate, very simply, our time together was up.

Two tears in a bucket...lol

If they wouldn't judge me

2011-06-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

Couple things I'd (probably) do if I knew noone would judge...

-cut all my hair off and were an Amber Rose

-wear the same black, True Religion skinny jeans everyday for a month. And every other day after that.

-wear house shoes everywhere I went and no shoes to walk to the mailbox

-bear my soul to an extent that even I wouldn't be comfortable with (at least not at first), verbally and in composition, on this blog.

-sit with the most important individuals in my life and tell them how I feel

-write each one of those individuals a letter to express everything I'm sure to fail to verbalize.

-disengage in most everyone else.

-be honest with employers when realizing mid-interview, I don't want the job.

-be less inhibited in discussing love, relationships and sex

-I'd give more hugs

-travel more often, maybe even sometimes, alone.

-go "public" with this blog

-be more upfront about the "story behind the story"

-just do it

Likes / Dislikes

2011-06-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

Likes

Marsha’s entire “Late Nights and Early Mornings” album but this song in particular

A friend who doesn't feel I'm not a friend just because I don't call or email everyday

Clean emails (see dislikes)

The changes I see each morning, new and improved

Expanding my vocabulary

Learning a lesson in the saying “if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans”

The beautifulness that is Lauryn Hill and Erykah Badu

The advice “don’t be concerned with how you come across, just write”

Dislikes

Emails with tons of forwards and forwards and forwards attached
The disrespect that many in our nation continue to give our president

The abrupt ending of friendships/connections

The reality that sometimes first impressions are wrong

What’s considered newsworthy (- Black Women are Less Attractive?)

Suddenly hiccupping while taking a big gulp of water and my morning pills

Drinking fish oil each meal

At times, being the only one to see the duplicity in an individual’s nature

Do you sound racist?

2011-05-31T21:46:00.000-07:00

I had one of those "hypersensitive" days, when I have to question, "was that racism" or am I reading into things. Normally, my answer to people questioning that they heard my little town was slightly racist I say "I wouldn't know, I don't give people the time long enough to be racist to me". That being said, it's simply not true and sometimes you have to entertain conversations. Like today:

"Wow, great shoulders, do you work out?"
"Nope, never been to a gym in my life" (as I stand there in underarmour leggings and a tank top that says 'Fit Factory' across my chest)
"There aren't any black women in my gym it's not often you see that"
I stared, smirked and walked away with one eyebrown cocked
Sat down in my car and shook my head.

There’s more to acting racist than just calling people nigger. it’s usually that little thing called dismissing the feelings and input of a specific group or people. or better yet, not seeing an individual but seeing a [insert race] person. (fine example: laura ingraham’s simple ass writing in her trash book “the obama diaries” that michelle obama would eat ribs all day. the same michelle obama who makes a point to work out on a regular basis and sponsors a healthy eating initiative. she didn’t see michelle obama. she saw a black person. and you know how those negros love their pork!) and while you may not BE a racist (at least in your own eyes)…some of ya’ll do and say some racist mess. and after a while the little slights start to add up. so excuse the hell out of some of us for being “hypersensitive”

Sometimes it's actually kind of comical. Today, I"m a little bitter. I'll be fine tomorrow.

Song In My Head - Lose Myself

2011-05-31T17:03:00.000-07:00

Thinking about this song lately. It's actually a love song to me abnout myself. The answer is near.

Thinking Out Loud

2011-05-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

I met, befriended, dated, became involved, enjoyed and screwed up badly with more than enough men in my lifetime to understand some divine lessons as it arrives at the opposite sex. In fact, I believe it's safe to say that God knew exactly what He was doing when created Adam first.

Lord knows He did.

He knew exactly what he was doing when he put me in a house full of testerone and said "deal with it" too.

During my life here on Earth I have experienced some very powerful emotions - birth of a child, death of a loved one, love, unconditional love, passion and lust, empathy, thrill of victory, agony of defeat, betrayal, forgiveness. And for all of the skipping of heartbeats which each sentiment provoked, there is absolutely none which compared to how a man made me feel.

At times I lay in bed at night with my eyes closed and stir such emotion. And I recall precise moments when the spirit of a men settled perfectly within the chambers of my heart. I remember virtually everything about each men who has touched my heart including the good, the bad, the ugly, my daddy, my uncles and even mny grandfather too. I've taken something from each one in a moment and determined whether they'd be around for the long haul, an aquaintance or if they would left without my help if they were dying on a street corner.

The purest form of woman is a man, if you ask me.

During these thinking moments I have become overwhelmed by immense passion and deep regret, as far as past and sometimes present behavior goes. At the same time, I have matured to the point where I understand that every action or reaction derives from a similar movement. If possible, I would undo all cowardly acts which often damaged the spirit of the opposite sex.

Mines included. Even those that were perhaps influenced by the actions or, should I say, non-actions of the man himself.

In the end, it boils down to the fine line between woman and man allowing one another to dominate, to the point where it resembles oppression. Which, in my opinion, leads to both parties unable to see their true worth. I could be wrong, but just as men respond a certain way towards the transgressions of women ... as women, we are the all too common results of men. (too deep for ya?)

Both good and bad.

So, in essence, it appears that we shoulder a great level of responsibility for one another, regardless of whether we admit, like, accept our position or not.

Again, I've shared words, acted upon those words, became lost in the acts, then turned around and completely took enough men's actions for granted to now suggest the most important lesson - a woman cannot deny any man, as long as she doesn't deny her own worth. I AM Worth it.

Boom

2011-05-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

Laughter is a great feeling. And it's free, but that hardly has anything to do with it.

As God's creation living in an ungodly world, we all must learn to laugh. Not only because it feels good when we do so, but most importantly, it doesn't feel bad.

Laughter opens our hearts and relieves tension as well as the inner turmoil which constantly affects our spirituality. I personally cannot think of too many times where I've felt any pressure or pain while engaged in laughter. If I could, I'd probably laugh at everything said and done on Earth.

Or, until someone refers to me as being "silly", to which, of course, would bring pause followed by more laughter. I hate when people say you are "silly", in jest.

"The bomb goes boom" is a figure of speech. Often said to remind us as to how we have become so accustomed to witnessing acts of self-destruction that, nowadays, we've become somewhat numb to the aftermath.

Moreover, because we're human, we tend to lessen the implications of such destructiveness until the boom itself has been lowered.

Case in point: I remember a time when hardly anyone possessed guns. Now, almost everyone has guns. Big guns, at that. There is hardly any communication taking place, nowadays. Weapons doing all the talking.

The people who use big guns to injure or kill other people with big guns do so mainly out of frustration, and the inability to defuse anger through our God-given outlet. Whereas laughter creates a mental balance, the only thing anger creates is more anger. To the point where the pent up aggression releases itself.

Somewhere.

Which, in turn, gives way to a blow-up of major and sometimes tragic proportions. In the end, a time bomb eventually reaches its final tick.

The results are never a laughing matter.

Helping Me

2011-05-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

I think the most important lesson I learned in the past months is that I could control my mind.

The first time I read it, I thought to myself “Bullcrap.” My mind was a dark, dangerous place. I liken my fear of it to Macauley Caulkin’s fear of the furnace in the basement in Home Alone. My fear was justified. Imagine how terrifying it is to be left in the fetal position on your bedroom floor, crying your eyes out, feeling like someone just literally kicked my butt as a result of your own thoughts. The idea that I could not only face my mind, but actually conquer and control it? Nah. I needed hardcore evidence to buy into that.

But as I paid more attention to study the mind and myself, I eventually understood. The mind works like a computer and controlling it is a game of input and output. In the long run, your thoughts will shape your reality so mental wellness relies upon ones ability to keep their mind in check. It requires that you square up with your mind and proudly proclaim: “You’re not the boss of me.”

As I’ve mentioned previously on this blog, not all thoughts are truths. And some thoughts are not only unproductive, but poisonous. The key to recognizing poisonous thoughts is observing your thought process. When I find myself in a bad mood, I try to step outside of my emotions and ask myself “How did I get here?” At the root of that mood is a single thought that I've allowed to spiral out of control. For example:

What am I going to eat for dinner? I could go out for fast food or I could go to the grocery store and grab something I can cook. I really don’t feel like cooking though, and I eat too much fast food as it is. Okay, I need to go to the store. But I don’t feel like going to the store. God, I’m so lazy. A lazy ass bum. What kind of adult can’t cook a meal? This is why I’ll never amount to crap. You know what? Screw it. Since I’m can’t go to the grocery store and cook a meal like an adult, I won’t get any fast food either. I’ll just go to sleep without eating dinner at all. Yeah, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

Now notice, the brain can make this completely illogical rant appear to make sense. As if going to bed hungry is somehow the best solution here. So where did this train of thought go wrong? The answer: “God, I’m so lazy. A lazy ass bum.” With that thought, I've changed this dialogue from an inquiry about a meal to an attack on my self-esteem. There were other ways to handle this situation. I could have said “I know I don’t feel like going to the store, but it’s not really that tedious of a process. I’ll just go grab something I can whip up real quick” or “Okay, I’ll do fast food tonight, but tomorrow I’ll cook something.” That way I avoid the mental lashing and manage to go to bed on a full stomach.

The key to controlling my thoughts: any thought that makes me feel bad about myself has got to go.

Occasionally, my mind still spirals out of control and it takes some time for me to reel it back in. Most of the time, however, I’m pretty good at stopping the spiral. There are times when I will notice things going downward and literally stop and say out loud “Hey. Shut the the hell up.” Now that may make me look a little crazy, but that’s a sacrifice I’ll make for keeping the real crazy at bay.

Rambling on and on...

2011-05-10T17:10:00.000-07:00

I was blessed many years ago with a gift from GOD and that is these precious boys. These little guys makes my heart melt. I used to think that people just said their kids make them stronger just because it sounds good, but it's so true. Because of your kids, you develop strength that you never thought you had. I've been tested in so many ways since I was pregnant and the day I gave birth. When I say I've been tested, I mean I literally have been tested, especially my faith. Yes, I had children out of wedlock; not very smart, but it happens. And when that happens, you get the drama that goes with it because you didn't follow GODs word.

I finally accepted the fact that when I have to deal with things I'm going through now, it’s because I didn't listen to GOD. Satan has tried to do his very best to ruin me. He knew that after having a baby, a woman is very emotional, tired and has all types of feelings and need nothing but peace. Satan said "I'm going to get her when she is at her lowest" and he did. He tried to bring me down; he tried to break the bond with loved ones. He tried to tell me I will burn in hell. He threatened me and told me that he will make sure I burn in hell and even tried to curse my family. Satan really had me worried and concerned to the point where I was on edge. He even questioned my love for my own son. I finally had to put my faith in GOD and pray CONSTANTLY. I had to anoint my house. I had to cry so many times on my knees. During this time, I was told that I was using GOD to get what I wanted. I mean the devil really tried to turn me off my game. Satan put people in my life only have them flip on me because he knew that they would help him. It was all planned BUT because my bond with the Lord is tighter than what people really think and know, I survived the attacks and I am able to bond with my children everyday and I'm happy.

When you have GOD in your life, nobody can break that bond. So I won't let ANYONE break my bond with my children, NOBODY!!! You know the one thing I'm learning now is that those who you think aren't religious, are probably more spiritual than you are and the ones that claim they are spiritual aren't as spiritual as you may think. You don't have to prove yourself worthy to man. I now understand Matthew 6:6 in the bible. I prayed to myself so many times, even as a teenager. I've never been one to shout and scream and mention my beliefs in every conversation I engage in just to let folks know I'm a Christian. GOD saw that I prayed to him and only to please him and not those around me or to church members. Therefore, GOD rewarded me and is still rewarding me. Some people don't realize that not only can GOD use you but Satan can too IF you allow it. Satan will use any and everything to steer you off in the wrong path until you're dead. He wants you dead because he hates you. He hates you so much that he can't even look at you. He has to use others or his sneaky ways to throw you off. He will confuse the hell out of you and make you think you're crazy. He wishes bad things will happen to you. I will tell you this, I am still going through things now, but I want to save those who may feel like I felt. NEVER lose your faith in Christ. As much as I wanted to and let the devil win, I didn't lose my faith. I believed that GOD would deliver me and he did. Keep praying, stay loving, never change, no matter how hard times may get!!! You will be rewarded for your good works. Trust me, I know!!

Like/Dislike

2011-05-05T14:55:00.000-07:00

LIKES

Playoff Season - It's Fantastic

Watching Kobe make a killer shot!

wiping toilet seats with clorox before sitting

2011 has been kind

anyone who keeps his or her word

hot days and short shorts

conversation that moves your mind

paying attention to a person's body language

Mint Condition's new CD

thoughts of the women's retreat, I'm excited

the evolution of Nesha

older men who ride big motorcycles with playing oldies loudly with leather vests in 90 degree weather "so cute"

DISLIKES

people who don't use turn signals

standing in long lines

The Lakers are down by two and look beaten already

when women say, "whatever!"

when men say "cut it out"

they don't make songs like this anymore

bullies, both kids and adults

my ipod is all over the place again and the playlists need some attention

people who drag their feet when they walk slowly

cleaning up after people who don't care that you fuss about cleaning up after them

Mission NPC

2011-05-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

10 weeks out, getting there. I'm enjoying seeing what I"m creating but at the same time I'm nervous. I'm a black woman...I'm leaning out alot! It's effecting some crucial curves but they'll be back. Decided to post a few, remember....weeks to go.

Time Number 2 - Random Stuff

2011-05-04T19:56:00.000-07:00

Listen. I understand the fact that Hollywood is an entertainment business, all about the almighty dollar, and would stop at nothing to make a dollar. But every so often there arrives a film that, afterward, should never be remade, ever again. In my opinion Juice is one of those serious films. Not only is a remake scheduled, but, bubblegum rap artist Soulja Boy, of all people, is slated to portray the role of Bishop, a character owned by the late Tupac Shakur. Trust, Pac has turned over in his grave.

Lately, I find myself listening to one song in particular by one of my favorite male recording artist Lyfe Jennings. The song, Statistics, is of the "if you don't know, now you know" variety which, of course, in my opinion, are the best kinds of songs. As always, Lyfe breaks down the game in a way that it should remain forever broken. In other words, a woman can never say she was blind to the fact.

Sometimes I believe that, as a woman, I have arrived at the point in my life where I no longer look to obtain new relationships, friendships, bonds. Nowadays, I simply look to make good on all the connections that I have built over the years. I realized that much of my blood, sweat and tears have gone in vain. I figure, I put it down, so it's only natural that I pick it up. Feel me.

Teach Me How To Dougie: Michelle Obama has to be the most down to earth First Lady that my eyes have ever witnessed. Check out this video of her dancing with a group of middle school students in Washington, DC. Being a sista born and raised in Chicago, Illinois, one has to figure that Michelle kept her "street dancing" to a minimum for the camera.

Can't keep asking me to speak me about Osama. Matter of fact, I don't want to speak about Osama.

Starts with a Question - A Poem

2011-05-01T20:56:00.000-07:00

It starts with a question
one patient
the other full of anticipation

Bated breath, and teeming desire
seeking the warmth of our love
we huddle around its fire

Seems just right but sometimes
too much
feeling smothered but
still longing for the touch?
So it becomes a struggle
toward the same goal
like running in a
3 leg race
we can win !!!
just keep a slow steady pace
this is us
our love
endearing
tender
irritating
and affectionate

like an unborn child
waiting for the day to be truly born
having felt and heard the world thru
the womb
ready for the rest of its life

friend
lover
companions

the patient one
has to remind the anxious

....."we will be there love , take it easy

Song In My Head

2011-05-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

I was feeling this, words and all...the beautiful ones, everytime.

I'm on Time Out

2011-04-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

May I admit an uncomfortable truth about myself to you all this morning?

I, NW -Powerful Beyond Measure, am easily influenced.

It doesn’t seem that way, does it? Especially because I’m always waxing poetic about following my own path and not caring what others think. Yes, this is the way that I live my life, but I never said that the influences of the outside world do not enter my mind.

Last night, I was watching Entourage and somehow what should have been another of many good television-watching experiences turned into a full-blown attack on my self-esteem. It was an internal dialogue I’ve had so many times that I could probably recite it backward:

Look at these guys, charging through Hollywood and pursuing their dreams at full-speed. Even when things go bad, do they freak out and quit? No, they stay positive and keep pushing forward. They’re not whining about mental illnesses and why they can’t do it, they just get it done. That’s why your butt is thirty-seven years old, sitting here, and watching this from cowtown USA. For all of your so-called intellect, talent, and charisma, it’s all wasted potential because you’re too weak to make something real of yourself.

Once again battered by the malicious bully in my head, I ended up in tears.

Normally, I would have taken this rant in my head and used it as inspiration to start some new habit or venture that would magically transform me back into the gung-ho “I want to rule the world” girl I was at twenty-five.

But this is what I’ve had to learn: every thought I have isn’t a truth. Every emotion doesn’t deserve an action; especially when you have a mind such as mine that can and will turn against you in a heartbeat. So I sat, in the middle of my bed and let the tears fall until a voice of reason (I like to think it’s the God in me) spoke up.

First of all, when did fame become part of our definition of success? Remember we said our first priority will always be peace of mind? And how are you wasting your talent if you’re school, playing Superwoman, as fit as you've been in your life, running this, doing that, creating this and that? And why are you comparing yourself to fictional TV characters? And why are you acting like your life is over once you hit 40? Stop. You’re trippin.

I exhaled, the tears stopped, and I felt a little better.

The truth is that I’m still wrestling with living my truth. I have a vision for my life. One that is quiet and simple, but it makes me smile when I think of it, so it’s fulfilling. It’s just difficult, sometimes, to hold on to that when the world demands that you move faster, be bigger, and never be satisfied.

Still, I’m proud to say that I win a small battle in the war to control my mind everyday. Who knows? One day, I just might master this whole thing and in my own mind rule the world.

HATERS GON' HATE...congrats CAM

2011-04-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

I caught my blood boiling today while listening to commentators like Steve Young, spew their "knowledge" regarding just how smart they believe Cam is not. Reality is if this kid was "lighter" there wouldn't be a problem in the world with his past issues. The media would say...he's a kid, he was young, his daddy is stupid, that has nothing to do with him. Instead you hate you cause you ain't me. You hate me cause I went to a JC first and did my thing, then transferred and did my thing, and finally went to Auburn and did the DAMN thing, point blank. You hate me cause I am the the alpha male, the BLACK KEN DOLL! 6"6, good hands, good feet, Adonis with a great smile and I'll make more more than you've ever seen. That's the reality of it. deal with it! Cam's daddy thinks highly of his kid. He said what many others think "all that money my son making for ya'll, he should be getting paid", so what...he said it...DAMMIT! AND? What's that got to do with his son? His son made some early mistakes...just cause he isn't Grant Hill who never made a mistake in his life, and you have been perfect and lived straight your entire life. Everybody's story doesn't start out that way. Yeah, I said Grant Hill...ya hurd me!

"I was very immature during my early career playing college football. I will be the first person to say I wasn't ready to play football at the time. And I was too naive to even think that way, but now I'm looking back at it. I wasn't ready to play football during the time I was at Florida," he said.

Stop sitting and judging people that you don't have nothing to do wit'. You mad cause your sperm didn't produce no million dollar babies? Don't be mad! Be happy..now you get to sit and hope he messes up every Sunday. Go Get 'em Cam

Sincerely,
Stop hating

Not Quitting

2011-04-27T18:33:00.000-07:00

In mid-2010, I set a goal. In summary, I set this goal for the following reasons:

*To practice discipline, faith and resilience
*To have a testimony to inspire others
*To have the kind of physique you don't see everyday i.e. differentiate myself
*To change a destructive pattern that I've struggled with for a long time (quitting!)

The first three reasons all support the fourth development goal to break hindering patterns in my life. I've been equally afraid of success and failure for as long as I can remember. I have sabotaged and talked myself out of so many things with my destructive behavior and negative thinking. The health and fitness goals I have for my body and the corresponding requirements are teaching me so much about myself. Historically, when I'd see some growth, I'd gradually start slacking off with my routine. Why do we stop doing things when we clearly see that they are working?? Well, sometimes we're afraid that we won't be able to maintain a consistent, high level of success. It's like being in a relationship where things are good, and it scares us so we sabotage it by acting up before something bad happens. Somehow we feel that we'd rather be in control by ruining it ourselves rather than something outside of our control ruining it. It's backwards, but for many of us, it's a standard method of operation.
Many times when we quit, we don't admit to ourselves that we've quit. We just stop doing the things we need to do. We fall back into old habits and tell ourselves that things will be different this time. We tell ourselves that we're not ready. We have all the excuses in the world. What's changed for me is that I've bumped my head up against the wall for so long trying to make progress with nothing but defeat on my mind, that I have no other choice but to acknowledge that quitting doesn't work for me. It doesn't boost my self-esteem; it damages it. It doesn't make me feel safe anymore; it scares me. Quitting scares me more than failure. I'll take failure any day because it means that I'm alive and I'm making the most of my life and I'm trying. I don't want to just exist, and I don't want my movements through life to be fearful and/or oblivious. Give me determination, patience and purpose.

Hey, maybe that's it. Maybe purpose is what makes the difference. When you're truly passionate about something, you simply can't quit. The pathway can take unexpected turns, and you can end up here instead of there but that purpose remains. Purpose is the only juice you need to keep going.

While I used to believe that it was a long shot for me to ever grow a viewable muscle, I now have no doubt in my mind that I will reach that goal this year. It's only a matter of time and discipline.
Things I keep reminding myself:
*Remember that everything you set your intention to do is about your experiences along the way, not the end result.
*Only commit yourself to things that you believe in with your heart and soul.
*Everytime you make a decision about what to do next, ask yourself if this is the same thing the "old you" would have done. If it is, do the opposite.
*If you fall off, don't abort the whole mission. Pick right back up where you left off as if you never fell off in the first place. For example, if you ate poorly on Monday, don't use it as excuse to not stick to your diet on Tuesday. Get right back on track.
*Visualize. Not just the end result, but also visualize what you want to get out of the experience and imagine the feelings you will feel when you see things through.

Doing my best to hit that number #1 spot.

Creator

2011-04-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

So I had this conversation, one that is hard for me in which I tell those I love everything that is going on with my life. I don't have many people I can talk to in this way, most get the chalk talk, the top surface..you know...kids, life, how everyone is doing and I say fine because I know you don't REALLY want to know, its just the right thing to say. Every now and then I get to get it ALL out! I'm thankful for those moments. Probably the most fulfilling is knowing that the receiver is completely listening and understanding. I'm grateful.

This is one of the reasons I began to write. Part of the reason that a lot of writers write is to exercise control. Life can be chaotic, but when you put that pen on paper, you are in control of the words. You craft the beginning, middle and end. You become the Supreme Creator and changing destiny is as simple as hitting “delete.”

It’s easy to forget that we have similar control in our real lives. While we can’t always control what happens to us we can always write our own endings. Ultimately, we determine the arc of our lives. And the story can end one of two ways: the main character prevails or the main character fails.

I have no interest in writing a Shakespearean life for myself.

I so often need to be reminded that I am not a victim or prisoner of my circumstances. I get so caught up in the settings sometimes that I overlook the plot. I know how this story ends. The heroine will prevail.

I’m prone to so many artistic stereotypes. I’m moody. Temperamental. Insecure about my process. Sometimes I have to stop in the middle of the script and ask “Who is this woman? What does she want? How will she get it?”

But if I can hold on to that vision of the ending and trust in my creative ability to write the heroine out of whatever murky waters she may find herself in, then the happy ending will remain intact.The characters and the settings may change. But the ending doesn’t have to.

I will not lose.

Period.

Memo to self

2011-04-26T21:33:00.000-07:00

This post will probably be brief and a little vague. I’m working some stuff out.

I’ve been fighting some things, a little stress this last week. There are some things in my life that have thrown me off of my game a little. I’ve been pissed, confused, melancholy, excited, mystified, felt vulnerable, incapable and again confused. My usual MO is to shut down and go within when I’m feeling out of sorts. I’m hard-headed. I hate advice and I’ve found that venting/complaining/discussing some of the uncomfortable circumstances of your life often leads to hearing views and opinions. Being the hardheaded capricorn that I am, I know what I need to do but my head and heart want to fight it. If I have yet to make a firm decision about my direction, new insight rarely helps.

I have the kind of mind that rarely forgets and so “not caring what people say” is easier said that done. It’s a gift that I believe I was given to accompany my gift of writing. It’s my purpose to record and recount. It’s easier to do that with a sharp, clear memory. The curse side of this is that it makes moving on particularly difficult. Hard to stay in the present when the past is in HD right in the front of your mind.

I’m still fighting battles in conversations I had months, weeks, days ago.

Memo to self: Leave it alone

Friday

2011-04-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

Welcome, Friday. I've thought about you all week and your presentation did not disappoint: 72 degrees, sunny and pleasant. April is a very demanding month during the week, so I'm living for the weekends to catch my breath.
A blog reader asked that I share 7 facts about myself, so I tried to think of things that you wouldn't already know. Here it goes:

*I'm 5'7" and have really long arms, legs, feet, fingers and toes. Really long.

*I sleep with the tv on ALL NIGHT
*I love full body massages more than anything!.

*I love Reese's peanut butter cups and miss them so much.

*I eat sweet potatoes and tuna a lot right now. Not necessarily together. I think I could live off of those two things though.

*I love movies anything Jada Pinkett, Ray Allen and Kobe Bryant.

*I constantly battle self esteem, but I'm working on it.

I love to save affirmations, excerpts, quotes, scriptures, and any and everything that inspires me or triggers a significant train of thought. It's a great way to stay inspired and make sure you don't forget those spontaneous ideas that pop up.

Here are some things I captured this week:
"You know when you listen to music playing from another room? And you're singing along because it's a tune that you really love? When a door closes or a train passes by so you can't hear the music anymore, but you sing along anyway...then, no matter how much time passes, when you hear the music again, you're still in the exact same time with it. That's what love is like." ~Found this written in an old journal. I don't know who wrote it made me smile.
"Many of us squander precious natural resources - time, creative energy, emotion - comparing the size of our talents to those of others. Today, ask Spirit to call forth your authentic gifts, so that you might know them, acknowledge them, and own them. Do you want to live more abundantly? Have you buried your talents? How can we live richer, deeper, and more passionately if we aren't willing to invest in ourselves? Many of us have played it safe for too long and wonder why we are miserable. Playing it safe is the riskiest choice we can ever make."

~Simple Abundance, Sarah Ban Breathnach
"Discovering who I was and what made me tick also required that I listen to people's criticisms. You can imagine how easy that was for me. Normally, when someone criticized me, I'd feel bad and run around trying to get people to see things my way. In the process, I didn't always tell the truth about what the person said in the first place, which eventually got back to that person and then I'd be in a whole great big mess. When I was afraid that someone wasn't going to like me or was going to be mad at me or leave me, I'd lie. I'd say whatever I thought I needed to say to keep someone from being angry with me or from leaving me. I didn't know it then, but now I understand that I did these things out of fear."

~Doorways of Support and Inspiration, Iyanla Vanzant

Your Heart is Not Broken

2011-04-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

I am not the one to give relationship advice. This is because, in my opinion I have a certain bit of immaturity when it comes to love and relationships, still at my age. I feel everyone is entitled to a certain level of cluelessness about life in general. I’m just figuring things out along the way. However, as a consumer of Black Female Media I am bombarded with our obsession with relationships. It’s constant. And I’m sorry to say, but it’s also rather annoying.

Like many of you, I have read the magazine articles, run out to get the dating books (I practically broke down the door to Borders to get my copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” and the Stevie Harvey Saga) and had the roundtable discussions with both my male and female friends about the current state of relationships. You know what I figured out? None of that mess works. At least not for me or many of my friends.

It took for my life to take some pretty drastic emotional turns (turns that didn’t have anything to do with my love life) for me to realize that the only way that I would gain any wisdom about life and love was to let myself go through it. Some may look at that decision and say “Okay, Nesh. You’re real reckless with your emotions.” But I do not agree. When you go through a difficult time in life, you learn where your true strength lies: your heart. Contrary to popular belief, your heart never breaks or leads you down the “wrong path.” Your heart is all knowing and all trusting, which means that it will not lead you into any situation that it’s not strong enough to see you through. When relationships don’t work out, the first thing we say is “My heart is broken.” Your heart is fine. It’s your ego that’s shattered and on the floor.

Your heart said “I love this person” and your mind said “I have to make this last.” When it ends, it’s your mind that cannot accept that it’s over. Your mind needs a reason, or better yet, it needs someone to blame. It has to be someone’s fault. Were you not pretty, smart, freaky, submissive, aggressive, honest, loving, strong enough? Was he “not worth anything?” Was it those trifling hoes of the world tempting him away from your goodness? Why didn’t it work out? Meanwhile, your heart says, “Who said it didn’t work out? We got what we needed from that experience. We will be fine.” You’re so preoccupied with your analysis that you cannot hear your heart saying “Hellloooo! Didn’t you hear me say I’m fine?”

Right now, I can honestly say that I am blissfully happy. And it got to be that way once I stopped obsessing over how to hold on and just let it flow. I stopped trying to label it or control it or predict it. I stopped dogging it out when things weren’t going my way. I stopped seeking advice. I instead put all of my energy into enjoying every single moment of life that I can.
God Bless

Feeling It

2011-04-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

Just something I found...I like it

Song In My Head

2011-04-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

Should I keep chasing pavements? Even if leads nowhere?

Like/Dilike

2011-04-10T13:19:00.000-07:00

LIKES

Arika Kane's song...Here With Me
the headliners at 2011 Essence Music Festival(bucket list)
my ever-growing laid-back demeanor (proud of me)
my changing figure
emails asking me to write more blog posts
morning calls from my mommy
how horny this song makes me
A's on my assignments
-ending in sight to the kid's school year
this song...eering lyrics...feels me
tanning...its shorts season

DISLIKES

bad april fools day jokes
I love you, just to say it
small waste baskets lined w/ large trash bags
people who post stupid youtubes
people who cannot answer simple questions
they don't make videos like this anymore
Lakers not playing well right now
when teachers seduce students
rihanna still cannot dance
my kids always need money

New Music..new favorite

2011-04-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

While watching tv the other night I fell in love with this song. Decided to share. Her voice is hypnotizing and the words intoxicating. Welcome Miss Arika Kane.

5 words or less in a line

2011-04-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

haven't done this in a while but here goes....

a lot going on
i'm sensitive lately
I've had a headache
14 weeks to go
I stay hungry
I haven’t given up
but I’m EXTREMELY nervous
yall pray for me
I love Top Chef
and all food shows
Ive starting just drinking
the egg white instead of
cooking it, Rocky Style
cooking only vegetables requires thought
it also takes planning
and quietly explore

I love some NCAA
Go VCU - underdog cheerleader
almost shorts season
can't wait!

In Another World

2011-04-03T13:07:00.000-07:00

Would you describe yourself as an extrovert or introvert? It's no surprise that I have a hard time identifying with just one or the other. I'm very self-reflective - always preoccupied with my dreams, visions and thoughts. I require some quiet time to myself; otherwise, I start to feel overwhelmed. And yet, I'm very friendly and outgoing. I like to connect with good people. I tend to take a leadership role in small groups. I'm always paying attention to the emotional currents in my environment like - who was just offended by a comment, who feels uncomfortable to speak but wants to be heard, who's being overbearing and needs to be buffered, etc. My conscious naturally seeks to maintain peace and balance wherever I go. Sometimes I'm so busy noticing the energy and the body language around me that I totally tune out of the conversation. As a result, I often feel like I'm in a different world than everyone else. I suppose we all feel that way for one reason or another.

The Stuff that makes life worth it

2011-03-21T16:21:00.000-07:00

A long while back a friend said I was negative. Okay, he didn’t exactly call me negative, but after he asked a series of questions to which I responded negatively, his face said it all. It really made me analyze myself: Do I see the world through grey colored glasses? Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, but after careful consideration, I admitted to myself, I probably had the tendency to speak of it that way. I think back then I hid my inner Negative Nancy from myself for so long, by adding an upbeat and chipper voice and Colgate grin to all my complaining; and topping it off with a positive spin. But ugly is ugly, both inside and out!

I blog and talk a lot about what confounds me. On my page to you all, in realy life, to those I feel safe with. I’m obsessed with figuring out why the world as I see it- generally odd and scary- is… well, odd and scary. But I see beauty too. I see more beauty than I give myself credit for seeing. As a matter of fact, there’s so much beauty around me that the odd and scary pretty much drive me insane; without it, this world would be amazing. But odd and scary are here to stay-it started with a serpent and who knows how it’ll end- so some things just have to be looked beyond and spoken over.

So whatever tint the glasses are, the world is kaleidoscopic and very few things are better than…

Having a really good Monday. Running into someone who says "Heyyyy, I was just thinking about you". Smiling children who ask for constant hugs. Doing good for others. Waking up earlier than you have to and being okay with it. A conversation with your best friend where neither of you annoy each other. A quiet moment. Taking a nap just because you want to. Realizing you’re a better person than you used to be, even in the most miniscule way. Putting together the perfect outfit. Laughing so hard your belly hurts. Breakfast for dinner. Getting a compliment from another women, it's so hard to now a days. A really good church service. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, frozen. Three day weekends. Full fledge vacations. Staycations with the ones you love. Finding your keys. Hearing the song you used to LOVE when you were younger. Listening to the stories of an elderly person- the nice ones. The end of the semester. Every now and then, letting someone have it who deserves it, so they back off a little. A smirk when a smart alec says something "they think" is incredibily funny. Exes who get fat! Life fulfilling careers. Freedom. The idea of making love in the rain even though I wouldn't because I hate being cold. The hot bubble bath after a long day. An incredible foot massage that is long enough to enjoy. My grandma’s fried cornbread (I miss it). My mother’s hugs. My daddy’s smiles. Life as it is/was/will be.

I'm the It...playlist

2011-03-15T21:42:00.000-07:00

I’m the It list
I’ve always had the need for theme music. Perhaps it was the movies I watched as a little girl with those scenes of confident women strutting to tunes that sung their praises. I wanted to be one of those women whose entrance inspired music.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a band to follow me around through life. Nor do I have a Radio Raheem-like boombox to alert the world to my presence (though it seems that smart phones are the new ghetto blasters these days.). So I have to settle for the “I’m the It” playlist on my iPod, a playlist of songs to remind me of how fly and awesome I am on some days, even those days I have to sell myself on it. I keep a mental playlist of these songs as well and often sing them in my head when I’m feeling particularly amazing.

Everyone, male or female, should have an “I’m the It” playlist. Here’s what’s on mine:

Pretty Girls - Wale. This is kind of a no-brainer.

Caramel Remix - City High featuring Eve. “You can say I’m Plain Jane, but it’s not the same. I ain’t into big names, but I like nice things…” The “Regular Black Girl” anthem. lol

That Girl - Stevie Wonder. An oldie but goodie. Reminds me of my childhood.

Upgrade U - Beyonce featuring Jay-Z. As a woman, you can’t have a list like this and NOT include Bey. You just can’t.

Ya’ll Dead Wrong - Amil. Yes, I still listen to Amil. (Apparently, I’m the only one as I couldn’t find a clip of this song on YouTube. lol) This has been a staple since my high school days. “Cute as a button, can’t tell this broad nothin.” Haha.

Real Women - UGK featuring Talib Kweli and Raheem Devaughn. Any combination of Talib and Bun B is a good time, but this may be my favorite.

There She Goes - Babyface. “Her eyes, her smile, her skin, her smell, her hair… She’s incredible.”

Conceited - Remy Ma. This was my anthem in college. No one could tell me a damn thing. “You gotta have the mindstate like I’m so great. Can’t nobody do it like you do…”

Damn Girl - Justin Timberlake. “Don’t need no Maybelline. Cuz you’s a beauty queen. Don’t need no Loreal. Cuz bitch you’re bad as hell.” This warms my no make-up wearing heart. lol

Movin Cool (The After Party) - Outkast featuring Joi. “I could make a stone cold blind man see a better way…” This is a slept-on classic.

Headturner - Joss Stone. This is another one that I sing in my mind when I’m walking down the street.

Lights Out - Danity Kane. Ok first of all, RIP Danity Kane and eff you Diddy!! The first line of this song gets me. “I’m so hot when I walk, I leave smoke in my tracks…”

Ego - Beyonce. Predictable? Perhaps. But gets the job done nonetheless. “Some call it arrogant, I call it confident…”

Just a sample...I have many lists

Just Writing

2011-03-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

Just finished my last final...stinkin final. I think I bombed it. Hope I smashed it. Done with my bracketology. I set it up. Twin A looked at it and laughed and redid it. He said, "pay attention mom, BYU big man is gone cause he had sex with his girlfriend, they not winning unless Jimmer is Jesus"...ummm okay, you do it then son. So he did. I stilled titled it "Girls Know Basketball"...I'mma win too.

On to my write:

Supposedly, I am a writer.

At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I’M A WRITER!”
The title of “writer” is one that haunts me more than I embrace it. When I tell people (myself included) that I’m a writer, I usually mean it by calling, not by profession. CEO of Ward Tribe International. Even as I pursue this degree, I wonder if being a full-blown professional writer would ever be my future. Not because I doubt my abilities, but because I rather enjoy the balance that comes with a structured job and writing as a hobby.

I talk about writing a lot. I can’t say I’ve actively studied the craft since tenth grade creative writing class. I fall into and out of the habit of daily writing practice. The truth is, I don’t write to become a better writer. I write to purge and make sense of my scrambled thoughts and intense emotions. It is through my fingers that I find logic and peace.

So here I stand, in the middle of scholarship applications, realizing that I’ve got a lot to learn. I’ve started reading creative writing blogs and I’m floored by the amazing things some of the wordsmiths do with language. The pages of my “words” notebook (You know, the one that all writers should use to record and remember new words they come across) fill up weekly and are a wake up call to how limited my writing vernacular can be. Now, I’m more of leisurely reader, skimming works for emotional impact. I’m a student of the written word it intrigues me in the most unusual way.

Sure I’ve been spilling words onto the internet for world wide consumption few years. When my emotional cup runneth over, I can empty here almost effortlessly. The process of taking my catharses, editing them and rewriting them for purposes of review, however, is new to me. As I pass along writing samples from this blog to be critiqued by trusted writer pals, I’m confronted with the thoughts: What will they say? What if I can’t digest their remarks? Am I even any good at this thing at all? I’m humbled, terrified and intrigued all at once.

Is this how it feels to take those first wobbly steps toward the future?

Purpose Driven

2011-03-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

I have a habit of reading certain books repeatedly. Because I am an emotional consumer, I find that I react to books/movies/music differently depending on where I am in life. I’m in the middle of my third reading of Conversations With God and the main premise of it is that humans are made in the image of God, and are therefore the creators of our experiences. It’s reminding me that I have 100% control of my life. My every thought, word and action create my circumstances. This is equally empowering and terrifying but it’s a reality that I’m finally prepared to accept.

Love and Hip Hop...Wrong Time, Right Person?

2011-03-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

I watched "Love and Hip Hop" (I think that's what it's called), the other night. VH1's new show on hip hop drama and love...blah blah blah...not that good. I can tell Jim Jones is a producer without seeing the credits just because there aint no way he'd set him self up to be on a camera that much if he didn't have a stake in the claim...anyway, Mashonda (Swizz's ex) is on there. Yeah, you gotta feel bad for her but at the same time here are my thoughts on it...

People are so caught up in the notion of what life “should” be, they don’t know how to react when anything occurs that goes against it. Love, is like life and stuff happens. Not always in the clean orderly way that we’d like. They fell in love, period. The timing was off for the rest of the world, but right on time for them. Hell, I heard two tracks on Alicia’s album and knew “Oh wait. This ain’t frivolous. They think they’ve found the real thing.” You can hear it in her song.

Have they? Quite possibly. The notion that they’re doomed to “fail” is one that people make up to appease their personal sense of justice. So they didn’t do it the way YOU would have liked. Who the hell are you?

Maybe they’ll go the distance, maybe they’ll at least be the Black Brad and Angie for the next fews years, or maybe they won’t make it at all. Either way, that’s their journey. Their experience to take from it what they will. Everybody needs to have a Coke and a smile and relax...with them being married and a baby now, even Mashonda.

Chris Brown Teaches Us How To Dougie REAL

2011-03-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

I've always been a lover of the underdog. No matter who or what, it's impossible to cheer for the "given" winner. This is probably why I continue to love this cat. Don't get me wrong, because of my love for the hot boy, which seems to have drawn me to that "swag" dude in the past, I have been a victim of domestic violence. I do fault him but I believe I'd dislike him so much more if he was much older and had lived through some life experience.

This is just my own opinion, but he has two issues in his favor that allow me to forgive him...#1 He came from a family of domestic violence and therefore was a witness to it. Statistics show more often than not if you see it, you live it. As much as we would like to say "that should have pushed him further away from using physical violence", its not that simple. Children learn what they see, even if it takes years to manifest itself.

#2 Ms. Ri-Ri also came from a family of violence. She herself has stated she witnessed mommy and daddy throwing bows at each other and its what was normal in her family. This makes me know, when she saw a text coming over from another woman, which I'm sure wasn't the first...she started dropping "bombs" on C. Breezy! It's not an excuse...whatever it's my opinion and unless you have been tagged in your face with force, you don't know what you, as a "young" man not in control of his emotions, may do.

Nuff' said on that. The dude is trying his best to come back...maybe he will, maybe he won't, but he has my support. I'll listen to his records and watch his music...heck, at the end of this video dude made me revamp my Dougie! He has energy and he is excited about life!

Thought In My Head

2011-03-12T09:04:00.000-08:00

life is good. Often when I think I'm unimportant and no one is noticing something I may have accomplished the right words are said. Recently someone said to me "‎Someone you haven't even met yet is wondering what it'd be like to know someone like you."

Good Stuff

about me...

2011-02-24T20:19:00.000-08:00

bag lady.

digital nerd.
beauty junkie.
shoe whore.
sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks.
know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Thinking...

2011-02-24T16:08:00.000-08:00

Had a talk with my college adviser today. He told me the most amazing news. I'm close. Very close. An end is in sight. I've got a full schedule for the next few quarters those but I'm actually proud of myself. Juris Doctorate is close. I'm smiling.

That's all

Listening to...

2011-02-22T14:04:00.000-08:00

Not sure which one I like more, the song of the video.

Reveal

2011-02-22T14:03:00.001-08:00

This woman is so beautiful that I sucked in air when I first saw the commercial...truthful words

Allstar Halftime Show

2011-02-22T13:52:00.000-08:00

So, I'm a bit of a fitness buff, but Rihanna's thighs were KILLING ME! I just kept saying, maybe I do need to eat a few more twinkies. Love the little black mini corset, not really feeling the red extensions. Obviously she realizes she's not the strongest vocalist, however, I can see improvement in her stage presence. She looks like she is having fun and not taking herself too seriously. Go momma! and again...dang your thighs is the TRUTH!

Of Self Love

2011-02-16T18:14:00.000-08:00

Today’s prompt teases me at the top of the page (The One Minute Writer)

Something you love about yourself.

It makes me wonder how we define self-love these days. Is it the Me Me Me culture of social networking, where you fill photo albums with self-portraits and proclaim your awesomeness via status updates? Is it in the way we carry ourselves and perform everyday tasks? Is it the decisions we make about our lives? Or some combination of all these things?

Self-love and depression are sworn enemies. Neither tolerates the other and they’ve had some knock-down, drag out fights in my head. For every kind word I give myself is a counteractive negative thought to discount it.

Me: I love the way I look in tanks and jeans and sneakers.

Depression: Who are you fooling? No one’s checking for your whole ‘I’m so naturally beautiful I’m above being fashionable crap.’ Get you some MAC and a pair of leggings.

Me: *stares in mirror for a few more seconds* You know what? Shut up with that bull. I look good.

So yeah. Self-love can get pretty tricky around these parts.

It’s not the showy “Look at how awesome I think I am” game that it was in my early 20s, but rather a commitment to being kind, gentle and forgiving with myself and being ready to do battle with that nagging voice in my head that tries to tear me down. It’s about embracing myself as I am, respecting my limitations and building a life including people and situations that bring out the best in me.

That’s how I love myself.

Back to the question at hand: What do I love about myself?

1.I love my body. After years of wishing I had a few more pounds of this and couple more inches of that, I have finally learned to love what I’m working with. I spend an extra five minutes in the mirror every morning after my shower and now and then comes that nagging "eewww, too boney". Then I think of what some other folks I know are working with and smile. It’s probably the most vain act of my day, but with poor body image being a nationwide epidemic, I figure I’ve earned these five minutes of daily conceit.

2.I love that I’m a survivor. For every fall I’ve endured, a great comeback has accompanied it.

3.I own my flaws. A practice I learned from Marshall Mathers. Now tell these people something they don’t know about me.

4.I love my writing. I have an intense love/hate relationship with my pen. I try not to absorb critiques or praise too much and just keep the pen moving, but occasionally, I’ll look at something I’ve written and say “Damn. I am kinda good at this.”

That's all for now. I've got a 5 page paper on Aristotle that I've been procrastinating on for 2 months...it's due, tomorrow at noon!

Mental Demons...

2011-02-15T18:17:00.000-08:00

[To keep my pen moving, I’ll be using the 30 Days of Blogging as writing prompts. Today’s prompt: “Something you hate about yourself.” ]

I hate that I’m mentally ill.

I became aware of my illness before I knew how to label it. I was 16 years old, my boyfriend's family had just been transferred to another base and I felt like the lonelist person in the world. One afternoon, as I sat alone in the bedroom laying in my bed with the tv turned on its side so I could watch it the correct way as I layed in my bed I burst into tears. I took an entire bottle of vicodine and went to sleep. God said "not so" and sent a friend over to hang out. We went walking and I walked in a fog the entire time, for hours. I never told anyone. When I got home, I cried again. I cried everyday after that no matter what. I hadn’t hurt myself. I wasn’t watching a sad movie or television show. Out of nowhere, I was overcome by a wave of melancholy that forced my small body into the fetal position each day and leaked down my face. At one point I even had a new boyfriend and still I cried everyday and I had no idea why I cried, In the which scared me and thus made me cry more hysterically. This was not normal. I was crazy.

I wouldn’t acknowledge my depression until just last year. I constantly would go in and out of it. I was fine for months and then it would hit me and I literally had days when I couldn't get out of bed. After delivering my third child I almost lost it completely and the doctor medicated me. The thought that I was nursing, frightened me to not taking it so I MADE myself put on a happy face. I was failing miserably at being a wife, mother, friend, person but I pushed through each day and sometimes cried at night despite being told all my life wha a great job I was doing. I was clueless and crippled by feelings of panic regarding the state of my future. Stopped eating and sleeping. Alienated friends. Considered running away, quitting and suicide. After my second child I found out my tolerance to alcohol had suddenly increased and tequilla numbed the pain enough for me to go to sleep each night. I laughed and joked about two shots of patron, but literally, it helped me get to sleep until 2am, then I would be up for the rest of the night, staring at the ceiling and pacing the floor. Anything to stop the pain. This was more than a hard time. I was sick. Last year, I finally battled back from where I started. I turned to Jesus, layed face in the floor and pleaded for his mercy and to save me from all of this. Turned Marvin Sapp "The best in me" on repeat to ward off whatever evil was trying to attack me. Crawled into bed and slept. I woke up with a new start and I've done my best to give it to him now whenever I feel under attack.
Through all of my depressive episodes I always believed that clinical depression was a phase. A demon, that I’d one day defeat and be rid of for the rest of my life. Following my rededication to the Lord Jesus Christ, my recovery made me feel unstoppable. Depression? It is no match for me.

So I thought. I've had my battles and somedays I fight and plead and tell God to handle this.
Some days to fight it off I am forced to self-evaluate. I've discovered there are behaviors I’d blamed on depression, that were actually just my personality traits. Introspection and emotional intensity weren’t symptoms of an illness, but rather aspects of my personality that made me more vulnerable to the illness. Often it's a daily balancing act. Defeating the illness ultimately meant managing it, and managing it meant accepting that it wasn’t going anywhere any time soon.

Honestly, I hate my depression. I hate that it sometimes gives me limitations that I have to respect for the sake of my well-being. Deep down, there is an ambitious, competitive, take the world by the balls girl who wants to conquer everything. I’m stuck with this mental bully who manipulates that drive and turns it into self-loathing. A mental bully that can kill me. I have to temper my approach to life to protect myself. I wouldn’t run a marathon if I had arthritis in my knees. I can’t rush toward huge life challenges with a mental illness.

So I play the balancing game. Constantly adjusting my responsibilities. Pacing myself in achieving my vision. Analyzing my every thought to differentiate those that push me forward from those looking to bring me down (you’d be shocked at how similar they sound sometimes). I accept that this is who I am and eventually, I will learn to totally love it.

I’m praying that day comes quickly.

What! What did they say?

2011-02-15T14:43:00.000-08:00

That's What She Said?

Some people have WTF moments. Me? I more frequently have “Wait!What did they say?!” moments. Times when I’m only half-paying attention to what’s going on around me, then suddenly pick up on a small piece of something that sounds funny, interesting, or just flat out foolish. I will be randomly documenting my Wait! What did they say?! moments on this blog. You know, to give you folks something to read when I’m not in personal crisis and whatnot.

One of my favorite ways to pass the time when I’m at home is to download and Youtube 90s R&B tracks. Aside from 90s R&B being one of my two favorite music genres, it’s just flat out fun to re-evaluate some of the lyrics to these songs from an adult perspective. I often discover that I either a) had no business listening to and singing some of this stuff or b) didn’t realize how ridiculous some of the lyrics were until I had the wisdom and experience to match them.

Last night was a case of the latter.

After downloading Blackstreet’s “Another Level” album, I wanted to hear the remix of “I Can’t Get You Out of My Mind,” which was featured on the soundtrack to Hav Plenty (a horrible, yet incredible dope indie film from the late 90s). I recalled that I loved the song when it was originally released and couldn’t wait to hear it again so I fired up YouTube in search of the video.

I cranked up and I sang along, I found myself thinking “Wait! What did he say?!” as soon as I hit the second verse.

Baby girl/What can I do/I told you once before, yo’ girl playa hatin’ on you/She played me close/one too many times/I had to put it on her/she was so damn fine

Um. Excuse me sir. Did you just bang your girl’s best friend? And your only defense is that she was so fine and willing that you just couldn’t resist? What?!

Oh, but it gets better folks. Much better.

Well what about the girl in the 64/She didn’t mean a damn thing to me, babe/She needed a ride from the gym/and being the man that I am/I said ‘you can.”/And what about the girl in the drop top/with the lollipop/at the light by the bus stop/You must’ve been fooled into thinkin the kid would slack/but I did my thang and now I want my baby back

So now, you’re picking up random women in random cars? And your woman was crazy to think that you didn’t have a Grade A pimp game. But that’s all out of your system and you want her back. Oh. Ok.

What’s bad is that even though the lyrics of this song are straight foolery, it STILL jams. I found myself playing it back at least five or six times before I was tired of it. Damn you Teddy Riley for your hypnotic production and proper use of that vocoder.

And um speaking of Teddy Riley… what was with folks sitting in empty bathtubs in videos for sad love songs? When I was younger, I assumed this was normal behavior. At 27, I’ve been through a good amount of breakups and can’t recall any desire to sit in an empty bathtub in my sorrow. Or do you only get this urge if you play guitar? Any guitar players reading this? Please advise.

That’s it for today’s installment of Wait! What did he say?!

Good Man - Spotlight Video

2011-02-15T14:25:00.000-08:00

I really like this simply video, all the flashy camera angles are just not needed to get to the point. Song is a little deep, video is eerie...unfortunately on point for someone out there.

Love for the Bullied

2011-02-08T14:53:00.000-08:00

I love Deshawn Jackson's swagger. Often we are told that it's wrong to show to much of that. I love that it's a well deserved swag enclosed in a good heart.

Feeling This...

2011-02-08T14:45:00.001-08:00

Aint nothing like poetry

The Message

2011-02-07T15:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, as in each and every day in life, there was a lesson being taught for the entire world to quietly comprehend.

This lesson took place at Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas during Super Bowl XLV, a football game played between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers.

BLACK AND YELLOW, BLACK AND YELLOW
Pittsburgh, led by celebrated quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, was all but expected to defeat Green Bay with relative ease and proudly walk away with the the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Moreover, Green Bay had barely reached the playoffs this season.

BLACK AND YELLOW, BLACK AND YELLOW

Not only was Pittsburgh anchored by a proven quarterback who had led his team to their third Super Bowl appearance [winning both previous contests] in the past 6 seasons, but, most importantly, Green Bay was led by the basically unknown Aaron Rodgers, who played in the shadows of former Packer QB Brett Favre - one of the greatest to ever man the position.

BLACK AND YELLOW, BLACK AND YELLOW

In fact, if you let the experts tell it, as they did in the weeks leading up to Super Bowl Sunday, Green Bay might as well not even bother to show up to the game.

BLACK AND YELLOW, BLACK AND YELLOW

Well, they did.

The Packers showed up and showed out, and walked away as newly-crowned Super Bowl Champions.

GREEN AND YELLOW, GREEN AND YELLOW

In other NFL news, New England Patriots star quarterback Tom Brady was unanimously named 2010-11 NFL's Most Valuable Player award. Brady received all 50 votes.

Somehow, I find it hard to believe that Philadelphia Eagles QB Michael Vick wasn't worthy of a single vote.

Hmm. Again, there is a message in everything.

It's up to you and I to decode it.

Twin B's School is highlighted Next Level Media

2011-02-07T14:47:00.000-08:00

My baby boy had limited time on Friday night but he did enough to make the highlight reel. He is the opening shot and the 3 pointer at the 1.10 mark of the video. Love this boy's pretty little shot. Air Jordan on 'em boo!

Oscar Wilde

2011-02-04T17:08:00.000-08:00

This man is amazing. I've fallen in love with his quotes. Not sure which one I like the most so I decided to post a few:

A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything.

Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.

Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.

Only the shallow know themselves.

Infactuations

2011-02-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

Was thinking this morning that everyone has tiny infactuations, some you share some you keep hidden. Mine, a little of both I guess. Decided to share a few with my bloggers. Things that make me secretly smile, giggle, blush and just say...DAMN!

My Secret Car Crush, the Ashton Marten, When the Lottery Hits and the Kid leave home.

First thing I'll have after shorts season is over. About 8 months away from that taste.

My watch fetish continues and one day I will buy myself that Cartier.

When he is on the screen the air leaves the room. His smile makes me smile at the screen, his style (whoa), his accent is panty wetting and his eyes say "come closer".

The baddest chick in the game. Don't hate her, that's hard work baby. Ava Cowan is in a class by herself.

I like her so much I posted her twice!

MaGhee naked, whoa! Peta knows how to run a campaign huh!?

That token gift you would never buy yourself. I look at this each month in Eastbay but I can't break down to buy them yet.

Theme Music - Getting There

2011-02-03T11:21:00.000-08:00

So my close friends and loved ones know I'm working on something special. Time is going fast, getting there and sometimes I find that song that fits that moment. Right now it's this one. When I can't get through those last three reps. I play this in my head. It walks me through:

"In this very moment I slay Goliath with a sling"

Currently Listening To:

2011-02-01T17:11:00.001-08:00

Love this song...gives me little goosebumps

Quotable

2011-02-01T14:09:00.000-08:00

I’ve learned that there is no competition for me. There ain’t no rat race. I only compete with myself. I think we have to teach our children that you better peer inside of yourself – what are you doing? Are you the best that you can be? Forget what the chick next to you is doing, that’s a non-issue - Jada Pinkett

Just a Message

2011-01-30T20:49:00.000-08:00

I loved this...had to share. A man after my own heart.

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect- you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break- her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there. "
--Bob Marley

On Lock Down - Music

2011-01-27T13:41:00.000-08:00

Laying quiet a few days and decided to remake the play list, deleted a few but added some new stuff to my repertoire. Digging some of my new artists, wanted to share.

Artist Alert - Nitty Scott (She's a bad chick)

Who is Nitty Scott M.C.? One of the hottest up and coming female rappers out right now. Don't let the pretty face fool you- this chick is something serious on the mic. No silly gimmicks required.

Dee-1 is one of the most underrated rappers out right now. The difference between his music and the majority of what's being played on the radio is that there's always a message in his lyrics. In "Jay, 50 and Weezy" the message is that there are emcees who have the money, the power, and the voice to use for a greater purpose yet for some reason choose not to. And he approaches this topic with the utmost respect for each artist. Listen to Dee-1′s debut album David & Goliath, you'll have no choice but to rethink your views on New Orleans hip-hop. The usual money, cars, hoes, club anthems and dope slangin' themes are replaced with catchy thought provoking lyrics that glorify his city, his parents, his family and his come up.

All Me, All the Time

2011-01-25T13:04:00.000-08:00

More ramblings of things I am figuring out about myself.

2011 is going to be a doozy, I can already tell....

1. My heart beats for quality time. Unfortunately, I have very little time to give or receive. Double unfortunate is that I'm spoiled, if you don't like to invest your time in me, it is the equivalent of a slap in the face.

2. I get annoyed really, really easy. And even though I am working on not showing it outwardly, I will always have an inner reaction. Kind of like rolling my eyes at you in my head.

3. I'm still waiting on my BIG MOMENT. Not sure what that means yet. I really feel there is something significant that I haven't done yet. But I know its coming.

4. I enjoy being hospitable. Like, really enjoy it. It's important to me for people to enjoy being around me and my family; comfortable, well-fed, and entertained. I'm often scared I'm not that interesting yet, though.

5. My need to place in this upcoming contest is beginning to consume my life. I look in the mirror daily for changes. I hope on and off the scale. I keep waiting for the cut. The diet itself is killing me alone but I'll do it.

6. I have quite an ear for music. I appreciate actual instruments and harmony in a song...which is why I'm so picky of what I listen to...

7. I'm tapping into my "go with the flow" mode. I'm planning on taking a lot of chances this year, and bounce back 100% times faster if they don't work out.

8. Three things give me a headache without fail: My Health, Stress and the security of my family. Can I make it

9. I don't want anymore close friends right now. I need to cultivate the relationships I have.

10. Last year, I struggled with really wanting to get be happy. I realize now that it all starts with self.

11. Three things I am emersed right now: Books, Welch's Concord Grape Juice, My Nook

12. Above all things, God has been my counselor. I've often create a pretty lonely road, so I'm glad I had/have him to release my pain to so that I can enjoy my loved ones.

Musical Notes

2011-01-25T12:09:00.000-08:00

Music does something incredible for me. Do you know that feeling?

You hear a song for the first time, probably one you’re driven to listen to because it’s by your favorite artist/band. The song is amazing. It’s a great marriage of harmonious melodies, beats, and personally meaningful lyrics. For approximately 2 to 3 minutes, you’re one piece of a musical bond. You wade through the song’s second verse, bridge, and hook; automatically preparing yourself for the ending of the song. You’ve already made up your mind that you’re going to put the song on repeat to enjoy it again. And then it happens…

The singer’s/band’s vocals drop out.

The volume doesn’t fade, but steadies at its current pace.

The instruments spread their wings and soar across your heart, leaving an incredibly warm, resounding feeling behind. It’s as if they were using the song as a mere warm up.

And it’s beautiful.

And surprising.

And nourishing.

Even after the fiftieth time you’ve taken this journey.

It’s like the artist has given you a gift. As if he/she trusts the song’s melody enough to turn away the steady, watchful eye of their voice and allow it to roam and reverberate. The listener undergoes a tiny bit of sadness when approaching the end of a song.

But here, the melody is like a lingering kiss before the goodbye.

I love that feeling. It’s one of the things that I live for in music: when the beat goes on.

Here is a list of my favorite songs that do just that…

1. Do I Do – Stevie Wonder

2. Zoom – Commodores
3. Made to be Together– Trey Songz

4. Got to Give It Up – Marvin Gaye

5. When Everything Is New – Little Brother

6. My Apology– Donnel Jones

11. Butterflies – Michael Jackson

12. Moment In Life – Musiq Soulchild

13. Love Stoned/I Think That She Knows – Justin Timberlake

14. I Keep/Still Here – Jill Scott

15. Umi Says -- Mos Def

Are you Pretty or Sexy?

2011-01-23T14:20:00.000-08:00

So a facebook status today that said "Ladies, would you rather be pretty or sexy"

A couple ladies answered “pretty.” Some of their reasons being: “sexy” is a compliment with lustful connotations and that sexiness really doesn’t last beyond youth, while a woman can be “pretty” forever.

I was among the group of women who picked “sexy.” “Pretty” really only describes one thing: your face. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly appreciate it when people tell me I’m pretty, but I consider my “prettiness” a nod to my gene pool. It’s like “Aww thank you,” but in my head I’m saying I’ll tell my parents you appreciate their handiwork.

Sexiness, on the other hand, can be determined by a multitude of factors. Confidence can be sexy. Grace can be sexy. Intelligence can be sexy. Style can be sexy. Sexy can also be intangible. We all know people who have that “It” quality, a je nais se quoi that makes them irresistible. Sexy is that thing Maya Angelou waxed poetic about in “Phenomenal Woman” that makes “pretty women wonder where the secret lies.” Pretty may catch an eye, but sexy can command an entire room.

I don’t buy into the notion that sexiness doesn’t last beyond youth. Plenty of women maintain their sexiness well into and even beyond middle age. Diahann Carroll and Lenna Horne gave many young girls a run for their money. How long did the late Earth Kitt keep that slender, Catwoman body intact? Stacey Dash???? Just sick sick sick wit' it. Furthermore, “pretty” can be lost to wrinkles and hard living. As a woman you have way more control over your sexy than your pretty. (Unless you have access to plastic surgeons. But how many of those procedures actually maintain one’s attractiveness? You may retain your youth, but plastic ain’t pretty to me.)

And my final point in the battle of pretty vs. sexy, ask any 40+ woman which compliment she relishes more? Nine out of ten, I bet it ain’t pretty.

So what say you, ladies? If you had to choose would you rather be considered pretty or sexy?

More Lists - Just some stuff

2011-01-23T14:10:00.000-08:00

1.Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to - My little sister, Jessica

2. A deceased person you wish you could talk to - My paternal grandma

3. Someone you wish you could meet - Too many to name (Jesus (one day), Oprah, Russel Simmons, Reggie Miller), Barack Obama

4. Someone you admire but never want to meet - Ray Allen (have a feeling his not that nice), Donald Trump, Tyler Perry

5. Favorite Internet Person - HHHmmmmm, still all my amazing mommies

6. What do you dream about? - Good things when eat before 8pm, all bad if I eat after 9pm

7. Something you want to say to your sibling? - I've made all the mistakes in the world. Please learn from them.

8. Your secret crush - Coke in the bottle, I lust after it and just cannot have it but when I do, about once a year, it is SO INCREDIBLY GOOD!

9. Note to your best friend? - I may be distant but I'm close at heart and remember that just because we don't talk every day doesn't mean that I don't care.

10. 4 word sentence to the world - I made a difference.

More...... Things (About Men)

2011-01-19T14:41:00.000-08:00

In my first installment of 10 things for black women, I wrote from the version of me, if I was a black man. These are things I would want my woman to know. I got lots of feedback, most people agreed upon, and some felt I forgot. Even though time changes, many things stay the same such as masculine and feminie nature. The constant struggle to achieve balance and mastering communication. What’s funny about it is, both men and women feel that harmoniousness is far from difficult if you follow a few simple guidelines set by each gender and all will be well, right? Not so much. If only it were that easy! There are so many shades of gray when it comes to the never ending saga of men and women. But let fellas tell it! They say that if women would just do x, y, z they could vastly improve the operational system of coupledom. But let’s define x, y and z shall we? So to please everyone (sometimes you can, sometimes you just can't), here goes...5 more things, EVERY black man NEEDS you to know:

1. I can’t read your mind. We often get attitudes assuming they know why we mad! It starts with a look then an eye roll and then we are mad! The silent treatment. Then when we get to the root of the issue it could be something as simple as we were supposed to go to dinner and a movie that night but he forgot. Okay. Say something! Problem solved. If you don’t tell him what the problem is, how can he fix it?

2. They really do need space sometimes. Just as women do. Just because you like to have your space at the nail shop and trip the mall and he likes to go catch a basketball game with his friends or have drinks after work with his buddies doesn't mean he is "acting like a bachelor". Women need to understand that men need time to process and they do it completely different than a woman would … without the emotion. Women often mistake men needing space as a personal jab and it’s normally the farthest thing from that. If you don't know he's not out banging other women just because he's not around or in a zone for a couple days then you have bigger issues! Just back off sometimes and leave him alone for a little while. Let them miss you even if it's only emotionally.

3. Women need to hush sometimes. Shut your mouth from time to time. Our time together doesn’t have to be filled with verbiage. Silence is okay. If he doesn’t have a whole lot to say some days it doesn't mean it's "over". It’s nothing you did. And yes, I do want to hear about your day but keep it light! Sometimes they don’t need to hear every single detail about who said what to who and what you said back. Wrap it up and put it in a nutshell. Like I said, It’s not that they don’t want to listen but their attention span is limited and if you keep it short you’ll get a better response.

4. Be a freak in the sheets sometimes! Freaky stuff is all good. If a man is horny the only thing that matters is the end result: the bust. They just want that wet wet. They don’t care that you make ugly faces or that you got a little stubble on your legs or on your area! None of that matters. You don’t have to get caught up in the look of things, it’s all beautiful to them and the best part is … it feels good! As long as your clean and smelling good, he's clean and smelling good, get to it? It’s a win, win situation. Your best compliment is ..."girl you make me wanna tell somebody", believe me he won't, but his smile will.

5. Look at yourself in the mirror. If you look at the way the media portrays us, it seems like the obvious question is “what’s wrong with the Black men and why aren’t they available for Black women?” but we can’t entirely blame Black men and we shouldn’t let Black women off the hook either. It's our EXTERIOR that gets a man’s attention (smile, look, personality, confidence and overall attractiveness) and our INTERIOR (our love for God, family, friends, values, support, emotional stability) that keeps a man coming back for more.

Song In My Head

2011-01-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

In terms that the twins understand. It's just a warmup!

Happy Birthday Dr. King

2011-01-17T01:41:00.000-08:00

June 23, 1963

"If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live."

A Science Experiement

2011-01-16T14:06:00.000-08:00

(disclaimer) For my secret readers that send me anoymous posts sometimes about how racist I appear to seem, I apologize, but sometimes you just have to state facts so issues may be exposed to those walking around in blindness. I present to you my science experiment: (presented to my son's psychology course and given to his mommy who he knew would savor it)

There is a current "Scientific Theory" that because an average white scores 15 points higher than blacks on IQ tests, they are inherently, genetically smarter than blacks. Let's test that theory.

1. Here is the experiment: Kidnap a bunch of white american and send them over to african on a slave ship.
2. Force them and their descendants into slave labor for about 100 years. Make sure to break up families and don't forget to disallow education.
3. Then set them free, but subject them to horrific discrimination and oppression for another century or so.
4. Then give them I.Q. tests designed by priviledged black africans.
5. If they still score 15 points higher than blacks, you've proven your hypothesis.

Have fun kids! and remember to get your parents permission before doing the experiment.

Song in My Head - Wande Coal

2011-01-16T13:56:00.001-08:00

This is an amazing song...if you can't feel it, dig deeper

10 Things

2011-01-15T20:06:00.000-08:00

Throughout life, I've had many male friends. They always seemed to be more genuine, honest and generally just deeper than my girlfriends who'd rather hear how wonderful they are than the honest truth. I've been that girl in the past. Now, I hold the truthtellers just a tad higher so they will enable me to be better. Ive listened lately to alot of talk about how "we" believe that black men don't appreciate "us". So untrue. I believe more than anything else, they simply don't KNOW us, or rather we don't allow them to know us. So in honor of that, I've put this list together, 10 things I'd love to say to a black woman.

10. You often have the most beautiful voice in the room, no need to scream, no need to curse, no need for the bitterness, disrespect or to call attention to you. When you speak, people listen. Remaining calm and cool is so completely sexy. Ask any man, the way to a black man's heart is not always through his stomache, often it's through the heaven in your "hello".

9. Your smile is incredible, whether it be a smile or a smirk. Your mean eyebrows...not cute. A black woman's smile, genuine smile, can seal the deal.
8. Who else can make kings out of "bastards". We have the power to grow a boy into a man. To make a small amount of groceries smell like Jesus is coming. To dry tears of pain with our kisses, hug you until it feels better and make massages that put him to sleep. Your nurturing power cannot be replaced.

7. Those potions, lotions, creams and gels all work. Your skin is more beautiful than anything I've ever known. Ever watched your man when you are fresh out of a tub and go through your lotion ritual. You crawl in bed in your underwear and t-shirt and he leans over to touch your thigh? That small moan he makes should tell you. Enjoy it, take care of it, appreciate that it's true "black don't crack".

6. You are a queen, beatiful in all of your splendor. Men only insult you because they are confused. They are trained to destroy or conquer everything they see. They can't figure us out.

5. If you ever see Don Imus in public pay him no mind and know that for every 50 great black men there is a bigot who doesn't understand or appreciate the beauty of your beautiful skin, gorgeous body and the power that you hold.

4. You are like a sunrise in a nation at war. You remind people that there is always something worth waking up to.

3. A man that loves you, truly loves you will love an appreciate everything about you. If you are married he will also help to cook and clean in order to show you that traditional gender roles have no place in a happy marriage. Equality is alive. A happy home consists of two people both working together for the good of all those who they raise and take care of each day.

2. Never ever stop putting your children first, they are our future and if we can't do it for them, then for who?

1. Never stop pushing. This world needs you now more than ever.

Song in My Head

2011-01-15T19:36:00.000-08:00